We have an English proverb that says, "_He that would thrive must ask
his wife_." It was lucky for me that I had one as much disposed to
industry and frugality as myself. She assisted me cheerfully in my
business, folding and stitching pamphlets, tending shop, purchasing
old linen rags for the paper-makers, etc., etc. We kept no idle
servants; our table was plain and simple, our furniture of the
cheapest. For instance, my breakfast was a long time bread and milk
(no tea), and I ate it out of a twopenny earthen porringer, with a
pewter spoon. But mark how luxury will enter families, and make a
progress, in spite of principle: being called one morning to
breakfast, I found it in a china bowl, with a spoon of silver! They
had been bought for me without my knowledge by my wife, and had cost
her the enormous sum of three-and-twenty shillings, for which she had
no other excuse or apology to make but that she thought _her_ husband
deserved a silver spoon and china bowl as well as any of his
neighbors. This was the first appearance of plate and china in our
house, which afterward, in a course of years, as our wealth increased,
augmented gradually to several hundred pounds in value.
I had been religiously educated as a Presbyterian; and though some of
the dogmas of that persuasion, such as _the eternal decrees of God,
election, reprobation_, etc., appeared to me unintelligible, others
doubtful, and I early absented myself from the public assemblies of
the sect (Sunday being my studying day), I never was without some
religious principles. I never doubted, for instance, the existence of
the Deity; that he made the world, and governed it by his Providence;
that the most acceptable service of God was the doing good to man;
that our souls are immortal; and that all crime will be punished and
virtue rewarded, either here or hereafter. These I esteemed the
essentials of every religion; and being to be found in all the
religions we had in our country, I respected them all, though with
different degrees of respect, as I found them more or less mixed with
other articles, which, without any tendency to inspire, promote, or
confirm morality, served principally to divide us and make us
unfriendly to one another. This respect to all, with an opinion that
the worst had some good effects, induced me to avoid all discourse
that might tend to lessen the good opinion another might have of his
own religion; and as our province increased in people, and new places
of worship were continually wanted, and generally erected by voluntary
contribution, my mite for such purpose, whatever might be the sect,
was never refused.
Though I seldom attended any public worship, I had still an opinion of
its propriety, and of its utility when rightly conducted, and I
regularly paid my annual subscription for the support of the only
Presbyterian minister or meeting we had in Philadelphia. He used to
visit me sometimes as a friend, and admonish me to attend his
administrations; and I was now and then prevailed on to do so, once
for five Sundays successively. Had he been in my opinion a good
preacher, perhaps I might have continued, notwithstanding the occasion
I had for the Sunday's leisure in my course of study; but his
discourses were chiefly either polemic arguments, or explications of
the peculiar doctrines of our sect, and were all to me very dry,
uninteresting, and unedifying, since not a single moral principle was
inculcated or enforced; their aim seeming to be rather to make us
Presbyterians than good citizens.
At length he took for his text that verse of the fourth chapter of
Philippians, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, honest,
just, pure, lovely, or of good report, if there be any virtue or any
praise, think on these things." And I imagined, in a sermon on such a
text, we could not miss of having some morality. But he confined
himself to five points only, as meant by the Apostle, viz.:--1.
Keeping holy the Sabbath day. 2. Being diligent in reading the holy
Scriptures. 3. Attending duly the public worship. 4. Partaking of the
Sacrament. 5. Paying a due respect to God's ministers.--These might be
all good things; but as they were not the kind of good things that I
expected from that text, I despaired of ever meeting with them from
any other, was disgusted, and attended his preaching no more. I had
some years before composed a little liturgy, or form of prayer, for my
own private use (viz., in 1728), entitled 'Articles of Belief and Acts
of Religion.' I returned to the use of this, and went no more to the
public assemblies. My conduct might be blamable, but I leave it,
without attempting further to excuse it; my present purpose being to
relate facts, and not to make apologies for them.
It was about this time I conceived the bold and arduous project of
arriving at moral perfection. I wished to live without committing any
fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural
inclination, custom, or company might lead me into. As I knew, or
thought I knew, what was right and wrong, I did not see why I might
not always do the one and avoid the other....
I made a little book in which I allotted a page for each of the
virtues. I ruled each page with red ink so as to have seven columns,
one for each day of the week, marking each column with a letter for
the day. I crossed these columns with thirteen red lines, marking the
beginning of each line with the first letter of one of the virtues,
on which line, and in its proper column, I might mark, by a little
black spot, every fault I found upon examination to have been
committed respecting that virtue upon that day.
And conceiving God to be the fountain of wisdom, I thought it right
and necessary to solicit his assistance for obtaining it; to this end
I formed the following little prayer, which was prefixed to my tables
of examination, for daily use:--
"O powerful Goodness! bountiful Father! merciful Guide!
Increase in me that wisdom which discovers my truest
interest. Strengthen my resolutions to perform what that
wisdom dictates. Accept my kind offices to thy other children
as the only return in my power for thy continual favors to
me."
I used also sometimes a little prayer which I took from Thomson's
Poems, viz.:--
"Father of light and life, thou Good supreme!
O teach me what is good; teach me thyself!
Save me from folly, vanity, and vice,
From every low pursuit; and fill my soul
With knowledge, conscious peace, and virtue pure;
Sacred, substantial, never-fading bliss!"
I entered upon the execution of this plan for self-examination, and
continued it with occasional intermissions for some time. I was
surprised to find myself so much fuller of faults than I had imagined;
but I had the satisfaction of seeing them diminish.
My scheme of _Order_ gave me the most trouble; and I found that though
it might be practicable where a man's business was such as to leave
him the disposition of his time,--that of a journeyman printer, for
instance,--it was not possible to be exactly observed by a master, who
must mix with the world, and often receive people of business at their
own hours. _Order_, too, with regard to places for things, papers,
etc., I found extremely difficult to acquire. I had not been early
accustomed to it; and having an exceeding good memory, I was not so
sensible of the inconvenience attending want of method. This article,
therefore, cost me so much painful attention, and my faults in it
vexed me so much, and I made so little progress in amendment, and had
such frequent relapses, that I was almost ready to give up the
attempt, and content myself with a faulty character in that respect;
like the man who in buying an axe of a smith, my neighbor, desired to
have the whole of its surface as bright as the edge. The smith
consented to grind it bright for him if he would turn the wheel; he
turned, while the smith pressed the broad face of the axe hard and
heavily on the stone, which made the turning of it very fatiguing. The
man came every now and then from the wheel to see how the work went
on, and at length would take his axe as it was without farther
grinding. "No," said the smith, "turn on, turn on; we shall have it
bright by-and-by; as yet, it is only speckled." "Yes," says the man,
"_but I think I like a speckled axe best_." And I believe this may
have been the case with many who, having for want of some such means
as I employed, found the difficulty of obtaining good and breaking bad
habits in other points of vice and virtue, have given up the struggle
and concluded that "_a speckled axe was best_": for something that
pretended to be reason was every now and then suggesting to me that
such extreme nicety as I exacted of myself might be a kind of foppery
in morals, which if it were known would make me ridiculous; that a
perfect character might be attended with the inconvenience of being
envied and hated; and that a benevolent man should allow a few faults
in himself, to keep his friends in countenance.
In truth, I found myself incorrigible with respect to order; and now I
am grown old, and my memory bad, I feel very sensibly the want of it.
But on the whole, though I never arrived at the perfection I had been
so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet I was, by the
endeavor, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been
if I had not attempted it; as those who aim at perfect writing by
imitating the engraved copies, though they never reach the wished-for
excellence of those copies, their hand is mended by the endeavor, and
is tolerable while it continues fair and legible.
It may be well my posterity should be informed that to this little
artifice, with the blessing of God, their ancestor owed the constant
felicity of his life down to his 79th year, in which this is written.
What reverses may attend the remainder is in the hand of Providence;
but if they arrive, the reflection on past happiness enjoyed ought to
help his bearing them with more resignation. To Temperance he ascribes
his long-continued health, and what is still left to him of a good
constitution; to Industry and Frugality, the early easiness of his
circumstances and acquisition of his fortune, with all that knowledge
that enabled him to be a useful citizen, and obtained for him some
degree of reputation among the learned; to Sincerity and Justice, the
confidence of his country, and the honorable employs it conferred upon
him; and to the joint influence of the whole mass of the virtues, even
in the imperfect state he was able to acquire them, all that evenness
of temper, and that cheerfulness in conversation, which makes his
company still sought for, and agreeable even to his younger
acquaintance. I hope therefore that some of my descendants may follow
the example and reap the benefit.
It will be remarked that though my scheme was not wholly without
religion, there was in it no mark of any of the distinguishing tenets
of any particular sect. I had purposely avoided them; for being fully
persuaded of the utility and excellency of my method, and that it
might be serviceable to people in all religions, and intending some
time or other to publish it, I would not have anything in it that
should prejudice any one of any sect against it.
In this piece it was my design to explain and enforce this doctrine:
that vicious actions are not hurtful because they are forbidden, but
forbidden because they are hurtful, the nature of man alone
considered; that it was therefore every one's interest to be virtuous,
who wished to be happy even in this world; and I should from this
circumstance (there being always in the world a number of rich
merchants, nobility, States, and princes who have need of honest
instruments for the management of their affairs, and such being so
rare) have endeavored to convince young persons that no qualities were
so likely to make a poor man's fortune as those of probity and
integrity.
My list of virtues contained at first but twelve: but a Quaker friend
having kindly informed me that I was generally thought proud; that my
pride showed itself frequently in conversation; that I was not content
with being in the right when discussing any point, but was overbearing
and rather insolent, of which he convinced me by mentioning several
instances;--I determined endeavoring to cure myself, if I could, of
this vice or folly among the rest, and I added _Humility_ to my list,
giving an extensive meaning to the word.
I cannot boast of much success in acquiring the _reality_ of this
virtue, but I had a good deal with regard to the _appearance_ of it.
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself,
agreeably to the old laws of our Junto, the use of every word or
expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as
_certainly_, _undoubtedly_, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, _I
conceive_, _I apprehend_, or _I imagine_ a thing to be so or so; or it
_so appears to me at present_. When another asserted something that I
thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him
abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his
proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain
cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there _appeared_ or _seemed_ to me some difference, etc. I soon
found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I
engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed
my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction;
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I
more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join
with me when I happened to be in the right.
And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to natural
inclination, became at length so easy and so habitual to me, that
perhaps for these fifty years past no one has ever heard a dogmatical
expression escape me. And to this habit (after my character of
integrity) I think it principally owing that I had early so much
weight with my fellow-citizens when I proposed new institutions, or
alterations in the old, and so much influence in public councils when
I became a member; for I was but a bad speaker, never eloquent,
subject to much hesitation in my choice of words, hardly correct in
language: and yet I generally carried my points.
In reality, there is perhaps no one of our natural passions so hard to
subdue as _pride_. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle
it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will
every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it perhaps
often in this history; for even if I could conceive that I had
completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.