For after that Harry began to be in a bad way again. That shelling in
the night and the near concussion of the shell that knocked him over had
been one of those capital shocks of which I have spoken. From that time
on, shell-fire in the open became a special terror, a new favourite
fear; afterwards he told me so. And all that winter we had shell-fire in
the open--even the 'lines' were not trenches, only a string of scattered
shell-holes garrisoned by a few men. Everywhere, night and day, you had
that naked feeling.
Yet in France, at the worst, given proper rest and variety, with a
chance to nurse his courage and soothe his nerves, a resolute man could
struggle on a long time after he began to crack. But Harry had no rest,
no chance. The _affaire Philpott_ was having a rich harvest. For about
three weeks in the February of that awful winter the battalion was
employed solely on working-parties, all sorts of them, digging,
carrying, behind the line, in the line, soft jobs, terrible jobs. Now as
adjutant I used to take particular care that the safe jobs in the rear
should be fairly shared among the companies in a rough rotation, and
that no officers or men should have too many of the bad ones--the night
carrying-parties to the front line. But about now Colonel Philpott began
to exert himself about these parties; he actually issued orders about
the arrangements, and whether by accident or design, his orders had this
particular effect, that Harry took about three times as many of the
dangerous parties as anybody else. We were in a country of rolling down
with long trough-like valleys or ravines between. To get to the front
line you had to cross two of these valleys, and in each of them the
Boche put a terrific barrage all night, and every night. The second
one--the Valley of Death--was about as near to Inferno as I wish to see,
for it was enfiladed from both ends, and you had shell-fire from three
directions. Well, for three weeks Harry took a party through this valley
four or five nights a week.... Each party meant a double passage through
two corners of hell, with a string of weary men to keep together, and
encourage and command, with all that maddening accumulation of
difficulties I have tried already to describe ... and at the end of that
winter, after all he had done, it was too much. I protested to the
Colonel, but it was no good. 'Master Penrose can go on with these
parties,' he said, 'till he learns how to do them properly.'
After ten days of this Harry began to be afraid of himself; or, as he
put it, 'I don't know if I can stand much more of this.' All his old
distrust of himself, which lately I think he had very successfully kept
away, came creeping back. But he made no complaint; he did not ask me to
intercede with Philpott. The more he hated and feared these parties, the
worse he felt, the keener became his determination to stick it out, to
beat Philpott at his own game. Or so I imagine. For by the third week
there was no doubt; what is called his 'nerve' was clean gone; or, as he
put it to me in the soldier's tongue, 'I've got complete wind-up.' He
would have given anything--except his pride--to have escaped one of
those parties; he thought about them all day. I did manage, in sheer
defiance of Philpott, to take him off one of them; but it was only sheer
dogged will-power, and perhaps the knowledge that we were to be relieved
the following week, which carried him through to the end of it....
If we had not gone out I don't know what would have happened. But I can
guess.