_THE MISDIRECTED ENERGIES OF MR. BRADLEY_.
Mr. Bradley, our inventor, has had some experiences in addition to
those already recorded which may perhaps be entertaining to the
reader. One of the peculiarities of Bradley's contrivances is that
when they are designed to do a specified work, that is conspicuously
the work they cannot possibly be induced to do. There, for instance,
was Bradley's famous steam-pump.
Some years ago Bradley invented a steam-pump for use on shipboard. He
claimed for it that it would pump about three times as many gallons in
a minute as any other pump, and he got some of his political friends
in Congress to use their influence with the Navy Department to have it
tried on one of the navy vessels. Finally he succeeded in having it
introduced upon a small steamer, which we will call the Water Witch;
and when everything was ready, the ship started upon a trial trip.
Soon after she got to sea, Bradley, who was aboard, said he would like
to try the pump upon the bilge-water to see how she worked.
The captain ordered the engineer to turn it on, and the machine
operated apparently in the most beautiful manner. In about an hour one
of the officers reported that the water was gaining rapidly in the
hold, and the captain sent some men down to discover where the leak
was. They came back and reported that they couldn't find the hole, but
that the water was pouring in somewhere in frightful quantities.
Then some of the officers went down and spent half an hour in water
up to their waists feeling around after that awful hole, but they
couldn't ascertain where it was. The only thing that they were certain
of was that the water was steadily gaining on them, and the ship was
certain to sink unless something was done. All this time Mr. Bradley's
pump was working away, and the captain continually enjoined the
engineer to give it greater speed.
Then the captain himself went down and made an examination; and
although he failed to find the leak, he was alarmed to discover a
quantity of codfish and porpoises swimming about in the hold, because
he knew that the hole in the hull must be very large indeed to admit
the fish. And still the water rose steadily all the time, although
Bradley's pump was jerking away at it in a terrific manner and all the
other pumps were running at full speed.
At last the captain made up his mind that he should have to desert the
ship, as she was certain to sink; and so the boats were made ready and
packed with provisions and water and a few little comforts, and by
this time the water in the bilge was nearly up to the furnace fires.
Just then Bradley's pump suddenly stopped; and then the captain turned
pale as death and demanded to know who stopped that pump, while
Bradley buckled a life-preserver around him, corked up a note to his
wife in a bottle, and said that now that the pump had ceased he would
give that steamer just four minutes to reach bottom.
While he was speaking the engineer came up and said,
"Mr. Bradley, what did you say was the capacity of your pump?"
"Six hundred gallons a minute."
"Six hundred. Well, Mr. Bradley, how many gallons do you estimate that
there are in the Atlantic Ocean?"
"Blessed if I know. How in the mischief can I tell that?"
"Oh, it don't make any particular difference, only I thought you might
have some kind of an indistinct idea how long it would take you to run
the ocean through your pump."
"I dunno, I'm sure," said Bradley.
"Well, I merely wanted to say that, whatever your calculations
respecting the number of gallons in the Atlantic, it is perfectly
useless for you to try to load up that ocean in this vessel. She won't
hold more'n half of it."
"What do you mean, sir?" demanded Bradley.
"Why, I mean that that diabolical pump of yours, instead of taking out
the bilge, has been spurting water into this vessel for the past four
hours, and that if you have a theory that you can strike dry land by
that process it is ingenious, but it won't work, for it's going to
sink this ship."
Then the captain swore till the air was blue. Then he put Bradley in
irons, and ripped out his pump, and unpacked the boats, and pumped out
the water, and picked up the codfish and porpoises, and set sail for
home for the purpose of making a report on the subject of the new
invention. The Bradley Improved Marine Steam-pump went right out of
use at the end of the voyage.
Another invention of Bradley's was a scientific system of foretelling
the weather. He had a lot of barometers, hygrometers and such things
in his house, and he claimed that by reading these intelligently
and watching the clouds, in accordance with his theory, a man could
prophesy what kind of weather there would be three days ahead. They
were getting up a Sunday-school picnic in town in May; and as Bradley
ascertained that there would be no rain on a certain Thursday, they
selected that day for the purpose. The sky looked gloomy when they
started; but as Bradley declared that it absolutely _couldn't_ rain on
Thursday, everybody felt that it was safe to go. About two hours after
the party reached the grounds, however, a shower came up, and it
rained so hard that it ruined all the provisions, wet everybody to
the skin and washed the cake into dough. On the following Monday the
agricultural exhibition was to be held; but as Mr. Bradley foresaw
that there would be a terrible north-east storm on that day, he
suggested to the president of the society that it had better be
postponed. So they put it off; and that was the only clear Monday we
had during May. About the first of June, Mr. Bradley announced that
there would not be any rain until the 15th; and consequently we had
showers everyday right along up to that time, with the exception of
the 10th when there was a slight spit of snow. So on the 15th, Bradley
foresaw that the rest of the month would be wet; and by an odd
coincidence a drought set in and it only rained once during the two
weeks, and that was the day on which Bradley informed the base-ball
club that it could play a match, because it would be clear.
On toward the first of July he began to have some doubts if his
improved weather-system was correct; he was convinced that it must
work by contraries. So when Professor Jones asked him if it would be
safe to attempt to have a display of fireworks on the night of the
5th, Bradley brought the improved system into play, and discovered
that it promised rainy weather on that night. So then he was certain
it would be clear; and he told Professor Jones to go ahead.
On the night of the 5th, just as the professor got his
Catherine-wheels and sky-rockets all in position, it began to rain;
and that was the most awful storm we had that year: it raised the
river nearly three feet. As soon as it began Bradley got the axe and
went up stairs and smashed his hydrometers, hygrometers, barometers
and thermometers. Then he cut down the pole that upheld the
weathercock and burned the manuscript of the book which he was writing
in explanation of his system. He leans on "Old Probs" now when he
wants to ascertain the probable state of the weather.
* * * * *
When his first baby was born, Bradley invented a self-rocking cradle
for it. He constructed the motive-power of the machine from some old
clockwork which was operated by a huge steel ribbon spring strong
enough to move a horse-car and long enough to run for a week without
rewinding. When the cradle was completed, he put the baby in it upon
a pillow and started the machinery. It worked beautifully, and after
watching it for a while Bradley went to bed in a peaceful and happy
frame of mind. Toward midnight he heard something go r-r-r-rip!
Buzz-z-z-z! Crash! Bang! Then a pin or something of the kind in the
clockwork gave way, and before Bradley could get out of bed the cradle
containing the baby was making ninety revolutions a minute, and
hopping around the room and slamming up against the furniture in a
manner that was simply awful to look at.
[Illustration: BRADLEY'S CRADLE]
How to get the child out was now the only consideration which
presented itself to the mind of the inventor. A happy thought struck
him. He took a slat out of the bedstead and held it under the cradle.
On the next down-stroke it stopped with a jerk, and the baby was
thrown, like a stone out of a catapult, against the washstand,
fortunately with the pillow to break its fall. But the machine kept
whizzing round and round the room as soon as the slat was withdrawn,
and Bradley, in an ecstasy of rage, flung it out the back window into
the yard. It continued to make such a clatter there that he had to go
down and pile up barrels and slop-buckets and bricks and clothes-props
and part of the grape-arbor on it, so that all it could do was to lie
there all night buzzing with a kind of smothered hum and keeping the
next-door neighbors awake, so that they pelted it with bootjacks,
under the impression that it was cats.
Mrs. Bradley expressed such decided views respecting cradles of that
pattern that Mr. Bradley turned his attention to other matters
than those of a domestic character. He resolved to revolutionize
navigation. It occurred to him that some kind of an apparatus might be
devised by which a man could walk upon the surface of the water, and
he went to work at it. The result was that in a few weeks he produced
and patented Bradley's Water Perambulator. It consisted of a couple of
shallow scows, each about four feet long. These were to be fastened to
the feet; and Bradley informed his friends that with a little practice
a man could glide over the bosom of a river with the ease and velocity
with which a good skater skims over the ice.
It looked like a splendid thing. Bradley said that it would certainly
produce a revolution in navigation, and make men wholly independent of
steamers and other vessels when they desired to travel upon water with
rapidity. Bradley intimated that the day would come when a man would
mount a water perambulator and go drifting off to India, sliding over
the bounding billows of the dark blue sea as serenely as if he were
walking along a turnpike.
And one day Bradley asked a select party to come down to the river
to see him make a trial-trip. At the appointed time he appeared with
something that looked like a small frigate under each arm; and when he
had fastened them securely upon his feet, he prepared to lower himself
over the edge of the wharf. He asked the spectators to designate a
point upon the thither shore at which they wished him to land. It was
immaterial to him, he said, whether he went one mile or ten, up stream
or down, because he should glide around upon the surface of the stream
with the ease and grace of a swallow. Then they fixed a point for him;
and when he had dropped into the water, he steadied himself for a
moment by holding to the pier while he fastened his eye upon his
destination and prepared to start.
At last he said the experiment would begin; and he struck out with his
left foot. As he did so the front end of that particular scow scuttled
under water, and as he tried to save himself by bringing forward his
right foot, that section of Bradley's Water Perambulator also dipped
under, and Bradley fell.
[Illustration: THE NEW MOTOR]
A moment later he was hanging head downward in the river, with nothing
visible to the anxious spectators but the bottoms of two four-foot
frigates. The perambulator simply kept the body of Bradley under the
water. Then a man went out in a skiff and pulled the inventor in with
a boat-hook. When he came ashore, they unbuckled his scows, took off
his clothing and rolled him upon an oil-barrel. In half an hour he
revived, and with a deep groan he said,
"Where am I?"
His friends explained his situation to him, and then he asked,
"What drowned me?"
They told him sadly that he was injured during an attempt to
revolutionize navigation and to prepare the way for a walk to India.
"How did I try to do it?" he inquired.
They wept as they reminded him that he had started to skim over the
river like a swallow, with a scow upon each foot, and then he faintly
said,
"Where in thunder are those machines?"
His friends produced, the new motor with which Bradley intended to
break up the steamship lines; and when he had looked at them for a
moment, he fell back and whispered,
"It's no use. I can't do 'em justice. Eight men couldn't cuss 'em to
satisfy me. But split 'em up! Have 'em mashed into kin'lin-wood before
I get well, or the sight of 'em'll set me crazy."
Then he was carried home, and after being in bed about a fortnight he
came out with a pallid cheek, a sorrowful heart and ideas for six or
seven new machines.