_HOW WE CONDUCT A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN_.
The people of Millburg feel a very intense interest in politics, and
during a campaign there is always a good deal of excitement. The
bitterest struggle that the town has had for a long while was that
which preceded the election of a couple of years ago, when I was not a
resident of the place. One incident particularly attracted a good
deal of attention. Mr. Potts related the facts to me in the following
language:
"You know we nominated Bill Slocum for burgess. He was the most
popular man in the place; everybody liked him. And a few days after
the convention adjourned Bill was standing talking to Joe Snowden
about the election, and Bill happened to remark, 'I've got to win.'
Mrs. Martin was going by at the time; and as Bill was speaking very
rapidly, he pronounced it like this: 'I've got t'win;' and Mrs. Martin
thought he was telling Snowden that he'd got _twins_. And Mrs. Martin,
just like all women about such matters, at once went through the
village spreading the report that Mrs. Slocum had twins.
"So, of course, there was a fuss right off; and the boys said that as
Bill was a candidate, and a mighty good fellow anyhow you took him,
it'd be nothing more than fair to congratulate him on his good luck
by getting up some kind of a public demonstration from his
fellow-citizens. Well, sir, you never saw such enthusiasm. The way
that idea took was wonderful, and all hands agreed that we ought
to have a parade. So they ran up the flags on the hotels and the
town-hall, and on the two schooners down at the wharf, and Judge
Twiddler adjourned the court over till the next day, and the
supervisors gave the public schools a holiday and got up a turkey
dinner for the convicts in the jail.
"And some of the folks drummed up the brass band, and it led off, with
Major Slott following, carrying an American flag hung with roses. Then
came the clergy in carriages, followed by the Masons and Odd Fellows
and Knights of Pythias. And the Young Men's Christian Association
turned out with the Sons of Temperance, about forty strong, in full
regalia. And General Trumps pranced along on a white horse ahead of
the Millburg Guards. After them came the judges on foot, followed by
the City Council and the employés of the gas-works, and the members of
the Bible Society and Patriotic Sons of America. Then came citizens
walking two and two, afoot, while a big crowd of men and boys brought
up the rear.
"The band, mind you, all this time playing the most gorgeous
music--'Star-Spangled Banner,' 'Life on the Ocean Wave,' 'Beautiful
Dreamer,' 'Home Again,' and all those things, with cymbals and
Jenkins' colored man spreading himself on the big drum. And Bill never
knew anything about it. It was a perfect surprise to him. And when the
procession stopped in front of his house, they gave him three cheers,
and he came rushing out on the porch to see what all the noise was
about. As soon as he appeared the band struck up 'See, the Conquering
Hero Comes,' and Major Slott lowered the flag, and General Trumps
waved his hat, and the guard fired a salute, and everybody cheered.
"Bill bowed and made a little speech, and said how honored he was by
such a demonstration, and he said he felt certain of victory, and when
he was in office he would do his best to serve his fellow-citizens
faithfully. Bill thought it was a political serenade; and when he got
through, General Trumps cried,
"'Bring out the twins.'
"Bill looked puzzled for a minute, and then he says,
"'I don't think I understand you. What d'you say?'
"'Bring out the twins,' said Judge Twiddler. 'Less look at 'em.'
"'Twins!' says Bill. 'Twins! Why, what d'ye mean, judge?'
"'Why, the twins. Rush 'em out. Hold 'em in the window, so's we can
see 'em,' said Major Slott.
"'Gentlemen,' said Bill, 'there must be some little, some slight
mistake respecting the--that is, you must have been misinformed about
the--the--er--er--Why, there are no twins about this house.'
"Then they thought he was joking, and the band broke in with 'Listen
to the Mocking-bird,' and Bill came down to find out the drift of
Judge Twiddler's remarks. And when he really convinced them that
there wasn't a twin anywhere about the place, you never saw a worse
disgusted crowd in your life. Mad as fury. They said they had no idea
Bill Slocum would descend to such trickery as that.
"So they broke up. The judge went back to the court-room so indignant
he sentenced a prisoner for twenty years, when the law only allowed
him to give ten. The supervisors, they took their spite out by docking
the school-teachers half a day and cutting off the cranberry sauce
from the turkey dinner at the jail. General Trumps got drunk as an
owl. The City Councils held an adjourned meeting and raised the water
rent on Slocum, and Jenkins' nigger burst in the head of the big drum
with a brick. Mad's no word for it. They were wild with rage.
"And that killed Bill. They beat him by two hundred majority at the
election, just on account of old Mrs. Martin misunderstanding him.
Rough, wasn't it? But it don't seem to me like the fair thing on
Bill."
Mr. Slocum was defeated, despite the fact that he wished to succeed.
Mr. Walsh, it appears, was disappointed, in the same contest, in a
wholly different manner. Mr. Walsh was the predecessor of our present
coroner, Mr. Maginn. How Mr. Walsh was elected he informed me in these
words:
"You know," said Mr. Walsh, "that I didn't want that position. When
they talked of nominating me, I told them, says I, 'It's no use; you
needn't elect me; I'm not going to serve. D'you s'pose I'm going to
give up a respectable business to become a kind of State undertaker?
I'm opposed to this _post-mortem_ foolery, any way. When a man's blown
up with gunpowder, it don't interest me to know what killed him; so
you needn't make me coroner, for I won't serve.'
"Well, do you believe that they persisted in nominating me on the
Republican ticket--actually put me up as a candidate? So I published a
letter declining the nomination; but they absolutely had the impudence
to keep me on the ticket and to hold mass-meetings, at which they made
speeches in my favor. I was pretty mad about it, because it showed
such a disregard of my feelings; and so I chummed in with the
Democrats, and for about two months I went around to the Democratic
mass-meetings and spoke against myself and in favor of the opposition
candidate. I thought I had them for sure, because I knew more about my
own failings than those other fellows did, and I enlarged upon them
until I made myself out--Well, I heaped up the iniquity until I used
to go home feeling that I was a good deal wickeder sinner than I ever
thought I was before. It did me good, too: I reformed. I've been a
better man ever since.
"Now, you'd a thought people would a considered me pretty fair
authority about my own unfitness for the office, but hang me if the
citizens of this county positively didn't go to the polls and elect me
by about eight hundred majority. I was the worst disappointed of any
man you ever saw. I had repeaters around at the polls, too, voting for
the Democratic candidate, and I paid four of the judges to falsify the
returns, so as to elect him. But it was no use; the majority was too
big. And on election night the Republican executive committee came
round to serenade me, and as soon as the band struck up I opened on
them with a shot-gun and wounded the bass drummer in the leg. But they
kept on playing; and after a while, when they stopped, they poked some
congratulatory resolutions under the front door, and gave me three
cheers and went home. I was never so annoyed in my life.
"Then they sent me round my certificate of election, but I refused to
receive it; and those fellows seized me and held me while Harry Hammer
pushed the certificate into my coat-pocket, and then they all quit.
The next day a man was run over on the railroad, and they wanted me to
tend to him. But I was angry, and I wouldn't. So what does the sheriff
do but come here with a gang of police and carry me out there by
force? And he hunted up a jury, which brought in a verdict. Then they
wanted me to take the fees, but I wouldn't touch them. I said I wasn't
going to give my sanction to the proceedings. But of course it was
no use. I thought I was living in a free country, but I wasn't. The
sheriff drew the money and got a mandamus from the court, and he came
here one day while I was at dinner. When I said I wouldn't touch a
dollar of it, he drew a pistol and said if I didn't take the money
he'd blow my brains out. So what was a man to do? I resigned fifteen
times, but somehow those resignations were suppressed. I never heard
from them. Well, sir, at last I yielded, and for three years I kept
skirmishing around, perfectly disgusted, meditating over folks that
had died suddenly.
[Illustration: FORCED TO DO DUTY]
"And do you know that on toward the end of my term they had the face
to try to nominate me again? It's a positive fact. Those politicians
wanted me to run again; said I was the most popular coroner the county
ever had; said that everybody liked my way of handling a dead person,
it was so full of feeling and sympathy, and a lot more like that. But
what did I do? I wasn't going to run any such risk again. So I went up
to the city, and the day before the convention met I sent word down
that I was dead. Circulated a report that I'd been killed by falling
off a ferry-boat. Then they hung the convention-hall in black and
passed resolutions of respect, and then they nominated Barney Maginn.
"On the day after election I turned up, and you never saw men look so
miserable, so cut to the heart, as those politicians. They said it was
an infamous shame to deceive them in that way, and they declared that
they'd run me for sheriff at the next election to make up for it. If
they do, I'm going to move for good. I'm going to sail for Colorado,
or some other decent place where they'll let a man alone. I'll die in
my tracks before I'll ever take another office in this county. I will,
now mind me!"