(_A Sketch on Saturday Afternoon._)
SCENE.--_A Confectioner's Shop in a fashionable West-End thoroughfare.
Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and
appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated pastry,
and presided over by an alert and short-tempered_ Manageress. _The
little tables are close together, and crowded with_ Customers, _the
majority of whom are ladies. A couple of over-worked_ Waitresses _are
endeavouring, with but indifferent success, to satisfy everybody at
once._
_Cries from Customers._ Yes, two teas and _one_ roll and butter--no, I
mean, one roll and butter and _two_ teas! "_Have I ordered?_" Why, the
last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that chocolate ready
_yet?_ We shall _never_ catch our train! I say, Waitress, I ordered
coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and all we've got yet is
two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! _Do_ make haste with that tea!
I didn't say a _cup_ of tea--I said a _pot_ of tea, as plain as----!
(&c., &c.)
_Duet of Waitresses._ Yes, Sir, attend to you in one moment. Are
_you_ the cup of tea, Madam? Oh, I'll bring you a fork for your pastry
directly. There'll be some milk coming in a minute, Sir. Bread and
butter? No, Sir, you can have a _roll_ and butter, or cakes, if you
prefer them. Excuse me, Madam, when I've done attending to _this_
lady. No, Sir; it was the other young lady who took your order--not
me. _Would_ you mind letting me have the milk-jug, if you've finished
with it, Madam? We're rather short of them. I'll _see_ if I can get
you a teaspoon, Sir. (&c., &c.)
_The Manageress_ (_all in one breath, without any stops_). Now then
Miss SIMPSON don't you see these cups standing here ready to be taken
and there's that Gentleman in the corner waiting to be attended to and
tell Mrs. BINKS we shall want more milk and there put out those
fancy cakes do two chocolates Miss JONES well you can't have them
yet because I've used all the hot water what does the girl want next
butter it's no use coming _to me_ for butter here take those cups to
be washed up will you you leave me to look after everythink myself and
customers leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw
such girls as you are in all my born days!
_A Man from the Lyceum._ I'm not sure, after all, that IRVING'S finest
moment wasn't in that last scene. I mean, when _Fitzurse_ and those
fellows came in, and he----
_First Lady_ (_at adjoining table--from the Aquarium Theatre_). Sat up
on his _dear_ tail, and struck out with those long hind legs of his,
_sweet_ thing; he took such an _interest_ in it all, didn't he?
_Second Lady_ (_on opposite side of table--who has been to
"Hypatia"_). Oh, and didn't she look _distractingly_ lovely just after
she had finished lecturing; _you_ know, when she----
_Third L._ (_close by, fresh from "Charley's Aunt"_). Stepped out of
the gown, and walked about in the old Lady's cap and false front! I
quite _cried_ with laughing!
_Second L._ I liked the Proconsul--dear me, what _was_ his name?
So _stupid_ of me--but it doesn't matter! I thought he looked so
perfectly Byzantine when he came in with his lictors in the litter----
_Third L._ And played the piano so _beautifully!_
_Second Hypatian L._ And didn't you think TREE was very good?--that
part where he found out about his daughter, and stood towering over
her with a knife in his hand, and----
_Third L._ That enormous cigar stuck in his mouth--he was simply too
_killing!_ [_And so on._
_Miss Camille Leon_ (_by voiceless motion of her lips, and expressive
pantomime, for the guidance of her fiancé_, Mr. FRED FORRIDGE, _who
has gone to the counter to select dainties for her refection_). No,
not _those_--in the _next_ dish--with chocolate outside ... no the
_long_ ones--_oh_, how stupid you are! Yes, if those are preserved
cherries on the iced sugar. Very well, the _pink_ one, then--that will
do.
_Mr. Forridge_ (_returning with a loaded plate_). I hope I've got what
you wanted?
_Miss C. L._ _Just_ what I like--_how_ clever of you! (_She helps
herself, after dainty deliberation._) Quite delicious! Aren't you
going to have any yourself?
_Mr. Forr._ (_engaged in exploring his left-hand pocket
surreptitiously, with a troubled expression_). Oh, thanks--presently,
perhaps. (_To himself._) I must have more than that _somewhere!_
[Illustration: "I must have more than that _somewhere!_"]
_Miss C. L._ (_gaily_). I advise you to make haste--or there'll be
none left. They're too seductive for words. [_She chooses another._
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _is_ one-and-sixpence. Fool I was to
go and forget my sovereign-purse! However--(_hopefully_), two
cups of tea at fourpence--eightpence; say three cakes at
twopence--one-and-twopence--oh, I shall manage it easily, and leave a
margin! (_Aloud._) I think I won't have anything to eat--not _hungry_,
don't you know.
_Miss C. L._ No more am _I!_ (_She takes a third cake._) This has got
cream inside--aren't you tempted?
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself._) Only fourpence to the good now--mustn't
risk it! (_Aloud._) Couldn't indeed--spoil my appetite for dinner.
_Miss C. L._ (_with superiority_). Oh, I never _have_ any appetite
for dinner. I loathe the very sight of food, somehow! But I do _wish_
you'd eat something--it's so _piggish_ of you not to--_really_ it is!
You must take just this weeny little one--to please Me! (_She places
it on his plate._) Now you _can't_ say no!
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). She is the _dearest_ darling! (_Aloud._)
I'd do anything in the world to please you, CAMILLE! (_To himself._)
After all, there's still _twopence!_
_Miss C. L._ Good boy! (_As he eats._) Well, is it a success?
_Mr. Forr._ (_munching_). It isn't bad--got Marchpane, or something of
the kind on it.
_Miss C. L._ How nice! I adore Marchpane! You may go and get me one
just like it, if you're _very_ good.
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, as he obeys her behest_). That cleans me
out! Thank goodness, no gratuities are allowed here, or else--and this
_must_ be the last--she's had three already! If I'd only had another
sixpence, I shouldn't care, but this is running it devilish close!
(_Aloud, as he returns._) This is the nearest I could get.
_Miss C. L._ Thanks, ever so much. Awfully nice tea this is.
(_Suggestively._) They might give one bigger cups, though!
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself, with pathos_). I'd give my life for her,
cheerfully--and I've got to deny her a second cup of tea! But hang
it, I _must_. I can't ask her to lend me fourpence to pay the bill!
(_Aloud._) It's--er--just as well they don't. My sisters have
sworn off afternoon tea altogether; some medical Johnny told them
it--er--had a tendency to make the nose red!
_Miss C. L._ (_to herself_). FRED'S _sisters!_ Very likely! (_Aloud,
coldly._) If you think there is any danger of that in _my_ case, of
course I won't risk another cup.
_Mr. Forr._ Oh--er--well, you never _know_, don't you know.
I--er--_wouldn't_. (_To himself._) Narrow shave that, by Jove!
_Miss C. L._ I think we'd better take a cab back, don't you?
_Mr. Forr._ (_horrified_). M--much jollier walking. Streets as dry as
a bone!
_Miss C. L._ But I want to get home and arrange the table for dinner
to-night. Mother always likes me to do the flowers.
_Mr. Forr._ Lots of time for that You c--can't judge of the effect
till it's dark, _can_ you? And it will be light for hours to come.
_Miss C. L._ Yes, that's true. Then suppose we go and see the
BURNE-JONESES, now we're so near? They don't close till six.
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). It _would_ have been jolly; but,
half-a-crown, when I can't even run to a _catalogue!_ No! (_Aloud._)
It--it's getting so dark--can't do 'em justice by artificial light, do
you think? And--well, to tell you the honest truth, CAMILLE, after the
Old Masters, you know--I--I don't feel--and I _have_ seen them, you
know!
_Miss C. L._ (_pouting_). I thought you might have cared to see them
again--with Me--but it doesn't in the least matter ... FRED, I don't
care about this cake you got me--it's dull. I think I shall leave it,
and try one of these white-and-green ones instead. [_She does._
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself--with a beaded brow_). Broke! And for an
extra twopence! As likely as not, she hasn't even got her purse with
her. And she'll think I'm so beastly mean! Why on earth didn't I let
her go to the Aërated Bread-shop, as she wanted? It would have been
all right then!
_Miss C. L._ I'm afraid you're rather bored, FRED--you don't seem to
be enjoying yourself quite; _do_ you?
_Mr. Forr._ (_in agony_). Oh, I _am_--I'm all right, CAMILLE, only
I--I'm always like this after the Old Masters, you know.
_Miss C. L._ So sorry I made you bring me--don't you think we had
better pay, and go home?
_Mr. Forr._ (_to himself_). Now for it! (_He pulls himself together._)
W--waitress, w--what have I to pay, please?
_Waitress._ Two teas, eightpence; one, two--_six_ cakes you've had, I
think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether.
_Mr. Forr._ (_with a gasp_). Oh! (_He fetches up two coins abjectly
from his pocket_). I--I'm sorry to say that I--I've o--only one
shilling and (_with a start of intense relief_) half-a-sovereign,
so (_with recovered dignity_) I'm afraid I must ask you to give
me change. (_To_ Miss C. L.) I--I was only joking about the
BURNE-JONESES, darling, I'd like to see them _awfully_--with you. And
we can walk home through the Park, or take a cab afterwards, just as
_you_ feel about it. _Do_ say you'll come!
[Miss LEON _graciously consents, and_ Mr. FORRIDGE _follows her out of
the shop with restored equanimity, as Scene closes in._
* * * * *
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--The Dowager Lady CRUMBIE dined out one
night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship caught
a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly hot.
* * * * *
ADVICE GRATIS.--M. WORTH, of Paris, says of the costumes of The
No-Connection "BRADLEY & CO," "You must take them for what they
are----WORTH."
* * * * *
[Illustration: A BROTHERLY LECTURE.
"WHAT! _ANOTHER_ SCRAPE! WHAT AN ASS YOU MUST BE, ALWAYS GETTING INTO
SCRAPES WITH WOMEN! WHY _DO_ YOU? _I_ NEVER GET INTO SCRAPES WITH
WOMEN! NEVER GOT INTO A SCRAPE WITH A WOMAN IN MY LIFE!"]
* * * * *