_House of Commons, Monday, July 17._--"_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" said
GRANDOLPH, a tear glistening on his long eyelashes. Of course he
should have said "_Brute_," but that is not Member for King's Lynn's
name. Remark followed upon incident that ruffled unusually dull
evening. TOMMY was making one of his rare speeches; instructing Chief
Secretary on intricate point in Home-Rule Bill; complaining of an
omission in Amendment under discussion. GRANDOLPH, turning round,
explained to him the bearing of things. Audacious, it is true. "The
attempt," as JEMMY LOWTHER said, "to instruct your grandmother in
the art of imbibing light but nutritious refreshment a slight thing
compared with the temerity of teaching Tommy anything." When he
detected GRANDOLPH in attempt, he for moment fixed him with surprised
stare. Enough in ordinary circumstances to paralyse a rhinoceros.
GRANDOLPH, who from precarious retreat in a tree-top in Central Africa
has watched the noon slumbers of a horde of thirty lions, did not
flinch. Then through the startled House rang TOMMY'S withering rebuke:
"Pray hold your tongue!" an injunction which drew from GRANDOLPH the
pained remark quoted above.
Coming from such a source it was doubly painful. Always understood
that TOMMY founded his Parliamentary style upon GRANDOLPH'S earlier
manner. Whispered that Member for King's Lynn had dreamed a dream of
a new Fourth Party. He of course would play the part of GRANDOLPH;
HANBURY (selected chiefly on account of his height and slimness of
his figure) would stand for Arthur Balfour before he came into his
Princedom. The glories of Gorst would live again in BARTLEY; and TOMMY
had spent sleepless night in doubt as to whether he should enlist
PARKER SMITH or AMBROSE in place of WOLFFY, who now, in distant
Madrid, wears a sombrero, drapes his _svelte_ figure in a cloak, and
interlards his conversation with cries of "_Carramba!_"
This point was decided by curious incident. One afternoon TOMMY came
upon PARKER SMITH conversing with TOMLINSON.
"Don't you think PARKER SMITH'S getting something of a bore?" TOMMY
asked, when that eminent statesman moved away.
[Illustration: "ANGELS IN 'THE HOUSE.'"]
"Now that's very odd indeed," said TOMLINSON. "Just as you came up
PARKER SMITH said to me 'Here comes TOMMY BOWLES; good fellow; means
well; but don't you think he's making himself something of a bore?'"
So PARKER SMITH lost his chance, and perhaps will never know how or
why. Thinking of these things 'tis quaint to find TOMMY turning and
biting the hand which, so to speak, held for him the Parliamentary
bottle. "_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" GRANDOLPH sighed again, thinking of the
days that are no more. "But I ought to have remembered that he who
plays at BOWLES must expect rubbers."
_Business done._--TOMMY declines to make room for his Uncle GRANDOLPH;
even rudely repulses avuncular advances.
_Tuesday._--SEXTON magnanimously relieved Mr. G., JOHN MORLEY, and,
by implication, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD and other Members, from embarrassing
imputation. Sometimes, when gentlemen in PRINCE ARTHUR'S suite have
nothing nastier to say, they sketch lurid pictures of Mr. G. and the
rest drawn at wheels of SEXTON'S chariot. All very well, they say, to
talk of Cabinet Meetings, and statesmanship at Irish Office. The real
boss, as TIM would put it, the arbiter of situation, is SEXTON. When
these things are said, JOHN MORLEY smiles grimly; Mr. G. pretends not
to hear; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD audibly raps fingers on his manly breast;
Liberals cheer ironically; SEXTON blushes, and looks across to see if
JOHN REDMOND is listening.
To-night he feels this thing has gone far enough. There may, perhaps,
be some smattering of truth in it; but its disclosure cannot be
pleasant to his right hon. friends on Treasury Bench. Accordingly
SEXTON rose, and, taking Mr. G. by the hand, as it were, and giving a
finger to JOHN MORLEY, declared that there was no foundation for the
imputation. It was true he had from time to time offered suggestions,
the appositeness and value of which it was not for him to determine.
Occasionally they might have been accepted by the Government. That was
due not to the pressure of dictation, but to the force of reason. Mr.
MORLEY was a statesman not unacquainted with affairs, whilst Mr. G.
had reached an age at which he might be trusted with some share in the
conduct of a Bill. He could assure the House that he was not, in
this matter, dictator. Such a charge was, he added, in burst of
uncompromising self-abnegation, "imbecile."
"And they say," cried WEBSTER, for him unusually mixed, "that Irishmen
have no sense of humour."
_Business done._--SEXTON generously puts Mr. G. right in eyes of
Universe.
[Illustration: "He declared that there was no foundation for the
imputation."]
_Thursday Night._--Been remarked of late, in quarter behind Front
Opposition Bench, that THEOBALD has appeared preternaturally
preoccupied. Thought he was brooding over the drought, or the
prospects of Home Rule. Secret out to-night. Been concocting a joke;
taken him some time; but, then, consider the quality. Some weeks ago
order issued in Ireland prohibiting hoisting of flags on hotels,
and other private buildings. THEOBALD diligently concentrating his
thoughts upon this fresh iniquity, gradually worked out his joke.
Appeared on paper to-night in shape of question addressed to JOHN
MORLEY. Supposing (so it runs) HER MAJESTY should visit Ireland, and
stay in an hotel, would the Government take measures to legalise the
hoisting of the Royal Standard on the building?
Delightful to watch THEOBALD when he had fired this bolt; fixed his
eye attentively on Mr. G., to see how he took it, the paper in his
hand trembling with excitement. Didn't often make a joke; doesn't
remember a former occasion. Work somewhat exhausting, especially in
hot weather; but when he did take his coat off and set to it must be
admitted he turned out a rare article. All very well for JOHN MORLEY
to affect to make light of the business. Not very probable that when
the QUEEN visited Ireland she would put up at an hotel; a hypothetical
question; deal with the question when it arises, and all the rest of
Ministerial commonplaces. THEOBALD'S shaft had gone home, and when he
saw Mr. G. wince, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD grow pale, he felt that the
continuous labour of nights and days was rewarded.
"Didn't think I could do it," he said when I warmly congratulated him.
"Not used to that sort of thing, you know. Never know what you can
do till you try. A little hard at first. The thing is to keep pegging
away. Still, I'm glad it's over. Shan't try another this year. Shall
go away now for a bit of a holiday to recruit."
_Business done._--Got through Clauses Home-Rule Bill. Shall begin now
to pick up dropped threads.
_Friday._--Not heard much lately of HENNIKER-HEATON. Compared with
what my dear old friend RAIKES used to suffer from this quarter,
ARNOLD MORLEY'S withers are unwrung. "You've not given up the crusade,
have you?" I asked HENNIKER, meeting him in the Lobby just now.
"No," he said; "I do not mean to rest till not only I get Ocean Penny
Postage, but have introduced at home a smaller but much-needed reform.
Custom here at Christmas is, as I daresay you know, to give postman
present. That I hold to be a criminal reversal of natural course
of events. It's the Post-Office should give its customers a
Christmas-box, as in some places doth the grocer and eke the milkman.
This tax upon the general public on behalf of a department of
the State is another evidence of the grasping disposition of St.
Martin's-le-Grand. I'll be up and at 'em again soon. Fact is, of late
I've had my own troubles. Have mentioned them in letter to _Times_,
so don't mind talking to you on a subject that has brought me from
unknown admirers many expressions of sympathy, the comfort of which
has, it is true, been somewhat lessened by the fact that postage was
unpaid. It's this Australian Bank business. You know the proud motto
of that great Colony beyond the Sea, 'Advance, Australia!' Well,
having lived there sometime, I thought it only polite to fall in with
the suggestion. I advanced Australia a good deal of money in the way
of purchase of bank stock, which has melted away like snow on the
river. CURRAN'S in the same box: but we shall get over this, and you
may bet a shilling postage-stamp to a halfpenny newspaper-cover we'll
Advance Australia no more."
_Business done._--Entered last compartment Home-Rule Bill.
* * * * *
"VOCES STELLARUM."
A great crowd of theatrical astronomers and star-gazers assembled at
the Lyceum Observatory last Saturday night for the purpose of watching
the movements of the brilliant Lyceum group. HENRY IRVING of the first
magnitude, ELLEN TERRY one of the brightest of the astral bodies, and
the Mars-like TERRIS, with the other lesser brilliancies, all of whom
we shall be unable to reckon as among the "Fixed Stars" until next
Spring, when they shall have returned from their American tour.
Enthusiastic reception from all parts of the House of IRVING-BECKET'S
parting address, which he delivered, standing before the Curtain,
in his monk's habit (one of the old "Orders," "not admitted after
seven"), and wearing the _pallium_, which is the special and peculiar
"property" of the Lyceum See. _Mr. Punch_ wishes them "_Bon voyage_,"
and many happy "returns" after every performance, ending with the
happiest return of all, their reappearance at the Lyceum.
* * * * *