MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Standing at the right of the table below the piano_]

Oh, more imperious, Florence dear! [_Florence and Hossefrosse look at

her._] More of this. [_She lifts her shoulders, eyebrows and chin, to

illustrate her idea of the general hauteur of the line._] Much more.

FLORENCE. [_Vaguely_] Don’t you think she would cry there? [_Mrs.

Pampinelli looks at her steadily for a pause and thinks: then she rests

her lead-pencil on the table and tilts her head a bit to one side._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Do you want to cry there, dear?

FLORENCE. No, but I can if you want me to.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No,--personally, I think she’s speaking more in anger

than in sorrow. You see, dear, you are impersonating a wronged wife.

Now, you yourself, Florence darling, are an unmarried girl:--it is

difficult for you to realize how excessively annoyed with her husband

a married woman can become. I think I would take it with more _lift_.

More of this, you know. [_She repeats her former illustration._]

FLORENCE. [_Endeavoring to imitate the manner of delivery, and speaking

in a deep, tragic tone_] So do I.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Perfect.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Go on?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, go on.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Clearing his throat and trying to summon his attack_]

What is your reason for sneaking into my office at this hour?

FLORENCE. Is it necessary that your wife have a reason for coming to

your office?

HOSSEFROSSE. You wanted to embarrass Mrs. Rush, that was it, wasn’t it?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Waving her hand toward them with an upward

movement_] Tempo, children!

FLORENCE. I wanted to meet my rival.

HOSSEFROSSE. You could have met Mrs. Rush under more candid

circumstances.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Moving around towards them, in front of the table_]

Tempo, children!

FLORENCE. The present ones suited my purposes better.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning away impatiently_] Naturally!--You wanted

a scene! [_He starts over to the right, but Mrs. Pampinelli is

standing right in his way, so he stops short, but maintains the

physical tautness of his character. Florence, too, has turned away,

to the left, and is moving across in front of the table towards the

arm-chair._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Oblivious of Hossefrosse, and still making her

upward waving gesture over his shoulder_] Tempo, Florence! [_Suddenly

becoming conscious that she is obstructing Hossefrosse’s cross, and

stepping below him_] I beg your pardon.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Bowing stiffly_] Not at all. [_He continues over to the

right and stops, right in front of Spindler, and they stand looking

into each other’s eyes; while Mrs. Pampinelli comes up at the left of

the table to the piano._]

FLORENCE. [_Sitting down in the arm-chair_] I think if I were a scenic

woman I’ve had ample opportunity during the last fifteen minutes to

indulge myself.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Still looking into Spindler’s eyes_] You did I think;--

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Beckoning to Spindler_] Mr. Spindler.

HOSSEFROSSE. I had the pleasure of hearing you.

FLORENCE. Was it a pleasure, Clyde?

MRS. PAMPINELLI and HOSSEFROSSE, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Still beckoning to Spindler_] Mr. Spindler!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Whirling around and glaring at Florence_] It appears to

amuse you! [_Spindler steps below Hossefrosse and passes up in front

of him to Mrs. Pampinelli, who whispers something to him._]

FLORENCE. [_Unfastening her neckpiece_] I have an inopportune sense of

humor.

HOSSEFROSSE. You should be able to appreciate the situation, you

created it!

FLORENCE. [_Looking over at him_] I didn’t create her husband.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Making a little gesture of annoyance_] I’m afraid I’m

stuck! [_He tries hard to think, and Mrs. Pampinelli makes a gesture

toward Mrs. Fell to give him the line, but Nelly is occupied in telling

Ritter a story._] But, don’t tell me! [_He feels for the line again,

and Mrs. Pampinelli tries to attract Nelly’s attention._] I guess I’m

gone. [_Suddenly Nelly bursts into a fit of laughing, having made the

point of the story._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What is the line, Nelly? [_Ritter nudges her._]

MRS. FELL. [_Stopping suddenly in her laughter and hitting him with her

fan_] Stop that!

RITTER. Get on your job, you’re holding up the show. [_Nelly looks

excitedly toward Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What is the line, Nelly, please.

MRS. FELL. What! Oh, I beg your pardon, is somebody stuck?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Hossefrosse.

HOSSEFROSSE. Got another mind-blank.

MRS. FELL. Oh, well, now, just wait one minute, please, till I see

where I’m at. [_She searches frantically through the manuscript._] Oh,

yes, here it is! [_Ritter indicates a place on the page. She pushes his

arm out of the way._] I didn’t create her husband. [_Teddy and Twiller

laugh._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI, FLORENCE and HOSSEFROSSE, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, dear, we’ve just passed that.

FLORENCE. I’ve already said that, Nelly.

HOSSEFROSSE. It’s the next line.

MRS. FELL. [_Vaguely, and looking through her lorgnon and spectacles at

the manuscript_] Oh, have we passed that!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. The next line after the one you just read.

MRS. FELL. Oh, I see now where we are! The next line after that is,

“You’ve all been listening to a lot of damned, cheap gossip.”

MRS. PAMPINELLI and HOSSEFROSSE, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. That’s it.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_To Mrs. Pampinelli_] That certainly is my Jonah line.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You’ve all been list--[_Spindler goes around to the

right and sits on the piano-stool, looking near-sightedly at the

music._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to Florence, and assuming his character again_]

You’ve all been listening to a lot of damned, cheap gossip! [_He starts

to cross towards the left, passing between the piano and the table,

but Mrs. Pampinelli is right in his way again, so he is obliged to

stop short and wait._]

FLORENCE. Which should show you that people are talking. [_Mrs.

Pampinelli turns to see why Hossefrosse is not picking up his line._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Stepping out of his way_] I beg your pardon. [_She

circles down at the left of the table again._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Continuing over towards the mantelpiece_] My fault. One

or two old women, perhaps.

FLORENCE. Will it confine itself to those?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning at the mantelpiece and coming back to the middle

of the room_] Well, I can’t control that.

FLORENCE. Have you tried?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Whirling upon her, and literally shouting_] No!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Standing at the right of the table below the piano_]

Excellent.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning and bowing briefly to her_] Thank you very much.

[_Resuming the scene with Florence_] And I don’t intend to. People will

always talk; it may as well be at my expense as anybody else’s.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Leaning towards him across the table, and speaking

with poisonous sweetness_] Anybody’s _else_, dear.

HOSSEFROSSE. Beg pardon?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Would you say anybody’s else; it sounds better.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning back again to Florence_] It may as well be at

my expense as anybody else’s. [_Mr. Spindler’s elbow slips off the

piano onto the keyboard, striking a perfectly villainous chord, and

causing everybody to turn and look in that direction._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Spindler, please.

SPINDLER. [_Adjusting his goggles, which have been slightly dislodged

by the incident_] I’m sorry. [_Mrs. Pampinelli turns back to

Hossefrosse._] Never mind, Mr. Hossefrosse, it will come.

FLORENCE. Your position can’t afford it.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Taking a step towards the right_] I’ve given them

nothing to talk about.

FLORENCE. No? [_He stops abruptly and turns and looks at her._]

HOSSEFROSSE. What? [_He takes a couple of steps towards her._]

FLORENCE. [_Rising_] Please, Clyde!--[_She crosses in front of the

table at the left and goes towards him. Mrs. Ritter gets up from the

partition-seat and comes down to the table at the right, below the

piano._] You’re not talking to your office-boy--[_Mrs. Ritter picks

up the little chair from the left of the table and starts back again

towards the center-door._] Let us get to the point.

HOSSEFROSSE. Very well.

MRS. RITTER and HOSSEFROSSE, together.

MRS. RITTER.--Excuse me, Florence. [_Florence bows and smiles._] And

you, too, Mr. Hossefrosse.

HOSSEFROSSE. What brought you here tonight? [_He turns to see the

cause of the movement behind him._] Don’t mention it. [_Mrs. Ritter

places the chair in front of the partition where she has been sitting,

then crosses to the piano and gets her sewing-basket, returning with

it to the chair and sitting down to sew._]

FLORENCE. Not to quarrel with you, for one thing.

HOSSEFROSSE. You wanted to embarrass Mrs. Rush, that was it, wasn’t it?

FLORENCE. Not at all,--you misunderstood me; I said, “I wanted to

_meet_ Mrs. Rush.” [_Teddy comes in through the center-door from the

right hallway and sits down on the partition-seat at the right. Teddy

is a frail little wisp of a youth around twenty, in dinner clothes. He

has big eyes and good teeth, and laughs on the slightest provocation.

His forehead is defectively high, and his thin hair is plastered back

and brilliantined. His type is always to be found draped upon the

banisters or across the pianos in the houses of the rich,--a kind of

social annoyance, created by wealthy connections and the usual lack of

available men._]

HOSSEFROSSE. What did you want to meet her for? [_Twiller steps through

the center-door from the right hallway and whispers something to Mrs.

Ritter. She answers him, and he steps out into the hallway and fills

himself out a glass of claret from the bowl, then goes up and sits on

the landing of the stairway and watches the rehearsal._]

FLORENCE. Why, I thought that we three might--reason together, [_He

holds her eye for a second, then turns away, and reaches in his

various pockets for his cigarettes._] concerning our respective futures.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_In a lowered tone, to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Forgot my

cigarettes.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Never mind, I only want lines. Go on, Florence.

[_Hossefrosse takes an imaginary cigarette from an imaginary case,

replaces the case, taps the cigarette on the back of his hand, puts it

in his mouth, strikes an imaginary match on his shoe, and lights the

cigarette._]

FLORENCE. I’ve deferred the discussion for a long time, but it may as

well be today as tomorrow.

HOSSEFROSSE. Your plan didn’t work out very well, did it?

FLORENCE. Oh, yes, very well indeed; although hardly as I had

anticipated; thanks to _her_ husband and _your_ lies. [_He blows out

the imaginary match and tosses it onto the floor at the right; then

snaps his head around and glares at Florence. Mrs. Pampinelli glances

down onto the floor, as though to assure herself that Mr. Hossefrosse

hasn’t really thrown a lighted match onto the carpet._] You’ve

evidently told this boy here that Mrs. Rush is your wife.

HOSSEFROSSE. I’ve told him nothing of the kind! [_He starts to cross

again to the right, but Mrs. Pampinelli is again right in his pathway,

standing in front of the table below the piano._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Stepping below him, and going a step or two nearer

Florence_] I beg your pardon.

HOSSEFROSSE. I beg your pardon. [_He continues over to the table below

the window at the right and stands there, pretending to smoke._]

FLORENCE. Then, you’ve allowed him to think so.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Looking straight ahead_] That’s business.

FLORENCE. Perhaps it is. It has at least allowed you to be present

at the passing of Mrs. Rush. [_She turns and goes towards the back.

Mrs. Ritter calls her to her and they start discussing the hang of

Florence’s skirt._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Whirling around_] You are deliberately misinterpreting

this situation! [_He starts to move across towards her, passing between

the piano and table._] Yes you are! It’s perfectly ridiculous that a

physician cannot take a woman patient without being subjected to the

whisperings of a lot of vulgar scandal-mongers! [_Nelly Fell goes

into violent laughter at something Ritter has just finished telling

her. Florence and Mrs. Ritter continue their discussion of the dress,

and Mrs. Pampinelli tries by dint of gesturing to attract Florence’s

attention._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Florence dear, please.

FLORENCE. [_Turning suddenly, and continuing her lines_] Oh, I beg your

pardon! [_She moves slowly towards the mantelpiece._] This is not a

romantic age, Clyde.

HOSSEFROSSE. Mrs. Rush is a patient of mine!

FLORENCE. [_Moving down at the left towards Ritter and Mrs. Fell_] She

may have been originally. [_Mrs. Fell bursts out afresh over something

else that Ritter whispers._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Flicking her finger at Nelly_] Sh-sh-Nelly.

MRS. FELL. [_To Florence, who is standing looking at her_] I beg your

pardon.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Standing in the middle of the room_] She is _now_!

FLORENCE. [_Resting one hand on the arm-chair_] I’m not disputing it.

[_He turns away, and stands at the left of the table below the piano._]

But she must have a very persistent malady--

MRS. FELL. Just one minute, Flossie--one minute--

FLORENCE. That hasn’t responded to a treatment of more than six years--

MRS. FELL. Flossie, Flossie, Flossie! [_Florence stops and looks at

her._] Just a minute. [_She looks sharply at her manuscript._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What is the matter, Nelly?

MRS. FELL. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought she’d omitted a line. [_To

Florence_] I beg your pardon.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go on, Florence. [_Ritter says something to Nelly and

she hits him with the manuscript._]

FLORENCE. Not to speak of the innumerable changes of air that she’s

enjoyed--[_Mrs. Pampinelli, standing over at the right below the piano,

takes quite a little coughing spell, and Mrs. Ritter promptly gets up

and goes to the punch-bowl to fill her out a glass of punch._] at

your expense; and under your personal escort. [_Hossefrosse looks over

at her. She raises her hand understandingly, and starts slowly across

in front of the table towards him._] I have the day and date of the

majority of them. So, you see, your chivalry is a bit trying, under the

circumstances. [_He looks straight ahead and tries to look sullen and

defeated._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Up in the center-door, holding aloft a glass of punch_]

Betty!

FLORENCE. But, I haven’t come here to reproach you, or to plead for

your return. Not at all. I think you _love_ this woman.

MRS. RITTER. [_Coming a little further forward_] Betty! [_Mrs.

Pampinelli has another coughing spell._]

FLORENCE. And in that case, I want to offer you your freedom--

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Careful, now, children. [_Mrs. Ritter comes forward to

the table at the left and tries to attract Mrs. Pampinelli’s attention

to the glass of punch._]

FLORENCE. If you want it.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Holding up her forefinger_] One, two, three.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Snapping his head around and shouting at Florence_]

Well, I don’t want it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Good!

HOSSEFROSSE. And I see absolutely no occasion for any such talk. [_Mrs.

Fell drops her bag and reaches for it._]

FLORENCE. You are probably more broad-minded than I. [_Nelly Fell

utters a piercing little shriek, having almost fallen off the chair

in reaching to pick up her bag. Everyone turns and looks, and Teddy

laughs, as usual._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What’s the matter, Nelly?

MRS. FELL. [_Straightening up, with Ritter’s assistance, and laughing_]

I nearly fell off the chair. [_Mrs. Ritter laughs and returns to the

center-door and stands._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go on, Florence.

FLORENCE. And, really, I don’t think your freedom would be a very

good thing for you. You have a form of respectability that requires

a certain anchorage in the conventions. But unless you can reconcile

yourself in the future to a more literal observance of those

conventions, I shall be obliged to insist that you _take_ your freedom.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Look at her, Mr. Hossefrosse.

HOSSEFROSSE. Beg pardon?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a touch of impatience_] Look at her! [_She

begins to cough again._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Oh, yes, yes! [_He turns and glares at Florence, who is

standing just a couple of feet away from him._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Holding the glass of punch aloft again_] Betty!

FLORENCE. I have a couple of growing boys,--[_Mrs. Pampinelli passes

right up between Florence and Hossefrosse to Mrs. Ritter, and takes the

glass of claret._] who are beginning to ask me questions which I find

too difficult to answer: and I will neither lie to them--nor allow

them to pity me.

HOSSEFROSSE. What do you want me to do?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Handing the claret-glass back to Paula, who goes to

the bowl and refills it, and the note-book and pencil to Teddy_] Just

a moment. [_She turns and comes forward in the middle of the room.

Florence turns and moves over to the table at the left, and Hossefrosse

remains standing at the table at the right._] Just one moment. Listen,

Florence dear. [_She uses her handkerchief, then stuffs it into the

bosom of her dress._] I want you, if you can, to make just a little

bit more of that last line. Within the limits of the characterization,

of course; but if you can _feel_ it, I’d like you to give me just the

barest suggestion of a tear. Not too much; but just enough to show

that,--under all her courage--and her threatening, she is still a

woman--and a Mother. You see what I mean, dear?

FLORENCE. More emotion.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. In that last line. You are doing splendidly, darling,

[_Turning to Hossefrosse_] both of you; [_He acknowledges his

excellence with a short bow._] but I have always _felt_ that that last

line--was really the _big_ moment--of the play. It seems to me--[_She

toys with her necklace, narrows her eyes and looks away off._] that it

is there--that she makes her big plea, for her boys, for her home,--for

every woman’s home. And even though that plea _is_ made in the form of

a threat,--somehow or other--I seem to hear her saying, sub-vocally,

of course, “In God’s _name, don’t_ make it necessary for me to do

this thing!” [_She concludes this speech rather dramatically, her arms

outstretched. Mr. Spindler, at this point, engaged in a too curious

examination of the keyboard, accidentally touches D flat above High

C. Everybody turns and looks at him, but his consciousness of guilt

does not permit of his meeting their eyes, so he remains bent over the

keyboard in precisely the attitude he was in when he struck the note._]

MRS. FELL. Oh, go away from that piano, Mr. Spindler! [_Mrs. Ritter

comes forward at the left with a dish of cakes and a glass of claret._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Withdrawing her eyes witheringly from Spindler and

turning back to Florence_] Do you see what I mean, dear?

FLORENCE. I think I do. Do you want me to go back?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, that’s quite all right. We’ll take it right from

Mr. Hossefrosse’s line, [_She turns toward Hossefrosse. And Mrs. Ritter

takes advantage of the circumstance to offer Florence a cake; which, of

course, is declined with thanks. Then she turns to Mrs. Pampinelli and

waits till the lady has finished directing Hossefrosse._] “What do you

want me to do?” [_Mrs. P. turns back, to be confronted with the cakes

and claret; and she takes both. Then she and Paula move back towards

the center-door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Clearing his throat_] What do you want me to do? [_Paula

gives a shriek of laughter, at something Mrs. Pampinelli whispers to

her. Then Paula goes out through the center-door and offers Twiller,

who is still sitting half-way up the stairs, some cake, which he

accepts, and then Teddy, who declines, and finally, after taking

another one herself, sets the plate down on the hallway table and

resumes her chair up at the left; while Mrs. Pampinelli, cake and

claret in hand, wanders forward at the right, passing over between the

piano and the table below it._]

FLORENCE. I’ve already told you.

HOSSEFROSSE. Then, I suppose I’m simply to decline all women patients

in the future, [_She makes a little sound of amusement._] or else

submit them for general approval. [_He now presses the imaginary fire

out of the cigarette on the imaginary tray on the table._]

FLORENCE. Stick to your guns, Clyde.

HOSSEFROSSE. That’s the only thing I see to do. [_Mrs. Pampinelli

stands over at the right watching the scene, and eating and drinking._]

FLORENCE. Your tenacity is commendable, but it’s a lost cause.

[_Looking at him steadily_] I appreciate your embarrassment--

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to her, thrusting his hands into his

coat-pockets, tilting his chin, and looking at her with an absurdly

perky expression_] I’m not embarrassed.

FLORENCE. Desolation, then.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Snapping his fingers at her_] Ha! [_He swings rather

jauntily across and up towards the mantelpiece._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. More nonchalance in the cross, Mr. Hossefrosse.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to her suddenly_] Me?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. More savoir faire, as we say in French. [_She

illustrates the idea with a kind of floating gesture of the hand._]

HOSSEFROSSE. I see. [_He continues over to the left and down towards

Ritter and Mrs. Fell, endeavoring to execute Mrs. Pampinelli’s idea

by raising his shoulders, stiffening his arms, throwing his head back

and swinging his legs, as he walks. Nelly Fell is whispering something

to Ritter behind her fan, so that, when Hossefrosse reaches them, he

is obliged to touch Ritter on the shoulder and suggest with a nod and

a smile that the exigencies of the play require that he shall sit

where Ritter is sitting. So Ritter jumps up and tiptoes across in

front of the table and up to the piano, where he stands leaning--and

watching--particularly Mrs. Pampinelli._]

FLORENCE. [_Moving to the table below the piano_] But, I shall be

magnanimous; having loved and lost myself. So that, really, it may not

be nearly so difficult as you imagine.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Sitting on the chair vacated by Ritter_] Well, I can’t

say that I relish the prospect, with any such misunderstanding as this

between us.

FLORENCE. [_Crossing to the table at the left_] It’s the portion of

half the world, Clyde. [_Twiller gets up from the stairs and comes down

into the right hallway, where he stands watching._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Trying to look sullen, by resting one elbow on his knee

and hunching his shoulders_] It certainly isn’t a very inviting one.

[_Nelly Fell starts to whisper something in his ear._]

FLORENCE. But it has its compensations. [_Mrs. Pampinelli, having

finished her cake and claret, sets the empty glass down on the table

below the piano and uses her handkerchief._] You’ll have your memories,

and I shall have the wisdom of disillusionment;--[_The telephone-bell

rings, up in the left hallway. Mrs. Ritter jumps up, places her

sewing-basket on the chair, and, touching her hair, comes forward

quickly at the right to the table below the piano._] as well as the

consciousness of lots of company.

MRS. RITTER. [_Speaking directly to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Is that my cue?

[_Florence stops and turns and looks at her._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Which cue, dear?

MRS. RITTER. [_Taking a step towards Florence, and with a little

questioning, bewildered gesture_] The telephone is my cue, isn’t it?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a touch of impatience_] No, darling, you’re not

on in this scene at all. Go on, Florence. [_Mrs. Ritter puts her hand

to her cheek and looks from one to the other in puzzled embarrassment._]

FLORENCE. [_Turning and resuming her lines to Hossefrosse, who, by this

time, is deep in conversation with Mrs. Fell_] For there are a million

women exactly like me. [_Mrs. Ritter bursts out laughing. So does

Teddy. Twiller reaches over the partition and flips Teddy on the head

with his handkerchief. Jenny appears in the left hallway to answer the

telephone._]

MRS. RITTER and FLORENCE, together.

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Oh, I beg your pardon!

[_She leans across the table explaining to Mrs. Pampinelli, who tries

politely to silence her by suggestion that the scene is in progress._]

I thought that was my cue.

FLORENCE--Secondary women. [_She moves around above the table and

stands just above Hossefrosse._] So don’t look so tragic; you haven’t

lost anything but a lot of time;

JENNY. [_At the telephone_] Hello?

MRS. RITTER, FLORENCE and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. RITTER.--I was thinking of something else, you know, and when I

heard the telephone, I thought it was for me.

FLORENCE.--And that’s always lost when it’s spent on things that are

insusceptible of conclusion.

MRS. FELL. [_Bursting into a perfect shriek of laughter at something

Hossefrosse has just finished telling her, and pushing him away from

her_] Huxley Hossefrosse, you are perfectly dreadful! [_He laughs,

too, and attempts to tell her something else, but she turns away and

waves him aside._] No, No, No.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No dear, that is your own telephone.

JENNY. [_At the telephone still_] Just a minute. [_Mrs. Ritter turns

towards the back of the room._]

MRS. RITTER. Oh, so it is! [_Directly to Ritter_] I knew I had one

telephone cue. [_She goes laughing through the center-door and on out

into the right hallway._]

JENNY. [_Trying to attract Ritter’s attention_] MR. RITTER! [_But

Ritter is absorbed in watching Hossefrosse. Florence stands waiting

for Hossefrosse and Nelly to stop laughing, but as it doesn’t look as

though they will ever stop, she gives Hossefrosse a little dig in the

shoulder with her finger. He straightens up abruptly._]

FLORENCE. [_Prompting him_] I’ve lost her.

JENNY. Mr. Ritter!

HOSSEFROSSE. I’ve lost her.

FLORENCE. That was inevitable in your case, Clyde; you have a

conventional soul. [_Jenny asks Teddy in pantomime to attract Ritter’s

attention._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_In a tone intended to express abysmal despair_] I’ve

lost you. [_Ritter bursts out laughing. Teddy reaches out and indicates

that he is wanted on the telephone. Jenny holds the telephone up, and

he steps quickly out into the hallway to take it from her._]

FLORENCE. That was incidental, eh?

HOSSEFROSSE. But, it seems to me there should be some other way.

FLORENCE. [_Moving to the right, above the table_] There is, my dear

boy,--for lots of people----

RITTER. [_at the telephone_] Hello? [_Jenny goes out._]

FLORENCE. But not for you.

RITTER. Yes.

FLORENCE. You’re too respectable--Physically, I mean. [_She laughs a

little, and stands above the table looking at him._]

RITTER. Well, wait a minute, I’ll talk to you upstairs. [_He sets the

telephone down and starts towards the right to go upstairs. As he

passes the center-door he speaks to Teddy, who is still sitting just

inside the center-door on the right partition-seat._] Hang that up

when I get on, will you, Teddy? [_Teddy jumps up and goes out to the

telephone, and holds it, waiting till Ritter gets on the extension

upstairs._]

FLORENCE. And Mrs. Rush has what it appears to me to be a

rather--primitive husband--[_Hossefrosse gives her a narrow look._] and

you have a very modern wife. So be wise, Clyde; you know what usually

happens to him who “loves the danger.” [_There is a loud knock at the

right door. Hossefrosse jumps to his feet and stands looking fearfully

toward it. Florence assumes all the dignity at her command, drawing

herself up, placing her right hand upon her throat, her left on her

hip, and waiting,--the proud but outraged wife. Mrs. Pampinelli holds

up both hands and looks in the direction of the door, to impress

everybody with the dramatic value of the situation. Teddy hangs up the

receiver and stands watching her. Nelly Fell straightens up briskly and

sits watching the door, in expectant attention. Then Mrs. Pampinelli

makes a gesture to Florence to go on with her lines._] Go into your

office, I’ll talk to this woman. [_Hossefrosse drops his head and

shoulders and slinks across in front of the table, a beaten man. He

continues up to the center-door and out, into the right hallway.

The knock is repeated at the right door. Mrs. Pampinelli motions

to Teddy that that is his cue to open the door. He comes through

the center-door and crosses above the piano to the right door, Mrs.

Pampinelli at the same time moving over to the arm-chair at the right

and enshrining herself. Teddy opens the door; and Mrs. Ritter swishes

in self-consciously. Nelly Fell and Mr. Twiller give a little ripple

of applause, but Mrs. Pampinelli holds one finger up toward Nelly and

shushes her. Mrs. Ritter is wearing a rather bizarre-looking hat,

set at something of a challenging angle, and as she comes forward at

the right of the piano, she bursts into a self-conscious giggle. But

Mrs. Pampinelli reproves her with a look. So she controls herself and

crosses below the piano, Teddy, simultaneously, crossing above the

piano. She stops at the corner of the piano and rests her left hand

upon it. Then she places her right hand upon her hip, and, tilting her

head back, looks at Teddy, who has stopped directly above her. Ritter

appears on the stairway, and moves down a step or two, watching his

wife, narrowly._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Flipping her left hand at Teddy, in an attempt to give a

fly impression_] Hello, kid.

TEDDY. Hello, Mrs. Arlington. [_Mrs. Ritter swishes down towards the

left, shaking her head from side to side and holding her arms akimbo.

She turns around to her left, gives Florence a look, supposed to be a

very contemptuous look, and stands in the middle of the room again,

facing Teddy._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Speaking directly to Teddy_] Is my sweetie in? [_Ritter

moves slowly down to the landing of the stairs, watching his wife as

though she were some baffling phenomenon._]

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t.

MRS. RITTER. [_Drawing her shoulders up, and speaking in a high

unnatural key_] What!

TEDDY. He went about six o’clock.

MRS. RITTER. Why, I had an appointment with _him_!

TEDDY. He might be back, maybe.

MRS. RITTER. But, I can’t wait unless I’m _certain_ that he’s coming

back.

TEDDY. He was expecting you.

MRS. RITTER. [_Still shaking her head and trying generally to appear

bold_] Yes, I know he was. [_Turning to the table at the left, back of

which Florence is standing_] I suppose I’d better leave a note for him.

[_She indicates the table with a waving gesture of her left hand._]

TEDDY. You’ll find that green one is the best pen.

MRS. RITTER. [_Stepping to the table_] Thanks. [_She looks at Florence,

who gives her a withering look over her right shoulder and turns away

to the mantelpiece at the left. Then Mrs. Ritter gives her idea of a

scornful laugh._] Ha! Ha! Ha!

RITTER. [_Sweeping his hand across his brow, groaning, and falling down

the stairs, into the right hallway_] Oh my God!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Seeing him fall, and jumping up_] Oh, my dear!

[_Everybody turns._]

TWILLER. [_Trying to catch him_] Hold it! [_Spindler rushes past Mrs.

Pampinelli and out the center-door into the right hallway. Teddy jumps

into a kneeling position on the right partition-seat and looks over the

partition. Florence and Mrs. Fell rush up to the center-door and try

to see what’s going on, Nelly dodging from one side of Florence to the

other, and peering through her lorgnon._] Are you hurt, old man?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Handing his cane and gloves to Spindler_] Hold those,

please. [_Spindler takes them, and Hossefrosse prepares to assist

Twiller to lift Ritter from the floor._]

TWILLER. Get some water, somebody! [_Spindler rushes out the left

hallway. Mrs. Pampinelli sweeps up from below the table at the right to

the center-door._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Bewildered, in the middle of the room, as Mrs.

Pampinelli passes her_] What is it, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Now, don’t get excited, Paula. [_Mrs. Ritter steps

frantically across to the piano and turns, leaning against it, looking

wide-eyed at Nelly Fell._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Lift up his head.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Looking eagerly out into the right hallway_] Is he

hurt, boys?

TWILLER. I want to get him under the arms. [_They lift Ritter onto a

bench in the hallway. Nelly Fell turns away from the center-door with

an exclamation of distress._]

HOSSEFROSSE. We’d better lay him right here.

MRS. RITTER. Is it Fred, Nelly?

MRS. FELL. I don’t know, dear.

MRS. PAMPINELLI and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Addressing Hossefrosse and Twiller_] You can lay

him right here, boys, I think it’ll be as good as any.

MRS. FELL. What is it, Florence, did Mr. Ritter fall downstairs?

FLORENCE. I think so.

MRS. FELL. [_Covering her eyes and swaying_] Oh, dear child, don’t!

[_Florence puts her arm around her and guides her towards the arm-chair

at the left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Give me one of those pillows, Teddy. [_He hands her a

pillow from the partition-seat where he’s kneeling._]

MRS. FELL. [_Sinking into the arm-chair at the left_] Betty, I think

I’m going to faint!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to her_] Sit down, dear, I’ll get you some

water. [_Calling and beckoning out into the left hallway_] Jenny dear!

come here, please!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Rushing across from the right to the left hallway_] I

think I’d better call Dr. Wentworth. [_He snatches up the telephone and

works the hook violently._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, I would. [_She turns around to her left and

stands looking questioningly at Mrs. Ritter._] Go on with your lines,

Paula.

MRS. RITTER. Well, is he _dead_, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a definite little gesture of her right hand_]

Never mind! [_The curtain commences to descend, and she sweeps

forward._] We will go right on from where Mr. Ritter fell downstairs.

THE CURTAIN IS DOWN

AS IT RISES AGAIN FOR THE PICTURE

HOSSEFROSSE. [_At the telephone_] Landsdowne 8, please,--right away!

[_Spindler rushes in from the left hallway carrying a glass of water,

and followed immediately by Jenny. Twiller is ministering to Ritter.

Mrs. Pampinelli is standing in the middle of the room, facing the

center-door, and holding up both her hands, as a signal to the various

artists that the rehearsal is about to be resumed; so they quickly

step to the various positions in which they respectively were when Mr.

Ritter fell._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Addressing Teddy_] Yes, I know he was. I s’pose I’d

better leave a note for him.

END OF THE ACT

THE TORCH-BEARERS--ACT II.

NOTE:

The setting for this act consists simply of three wings set in the

middle of the stage about four feet from the footlights, and parallel

to the footlights, the wing in the middle, a plain one, and the one on

either side of it, a door-wing. These doors open toward the footlights,

and the one on the right is hinged to the right, and the one on the

left, to the left. From these door-wings, regular plain wings oblique

off to the back wall; and the whole thing is lashed and stage-screwed

after the fashion of regulation stage-setting. As the doors in the back

flat open, there can be had a glimpse of footlights, and just beyond

them, a neutral drop, in grayish black, to represent an auditorium.

Between the back flat and the stage footlights, (as distinguished from

the regular footlights) the miniature stage is set to represent the

interior of a doctor’s waiting-room. Through the door at the right

can be seen a desk and revolving chair, and a couple of plain chairs

against the wall; and through the left door, a table, littered with

magazines, a cabinet, a revolving bookcase and two more chairs. There

is a bright rug on the floor. Between the back flat and the regular

footlights, over toward the left, there is a stage-screw sticking right

up out of the floor; and between the two doors there is a plain chair

with its back against the flat. Over the door on the right, there is

a row of six electric bulbs with a cord and button depending from it;

and further right, half-way back, there is a wood-wing, set as though

it were the exterior backing for a window in the miniature set. Over at

the left, away back, fastened about head-high against the back wall,

there is a small switchboard-arrangement. Just below this there is an

old chair, without a back, with a newspaper lying upon it.

THE TORCH-BEARERS--ACT II.

_A waltz is being played somewhere off at the right. Florence and Mrs.

Ritter are standing in the middle of the stage, facing the flats,

talking. Florence is wearing a fawn-colored, one-piece coat-dress,

buttoned high at the throat, military fashion, and a toque made of

wine-colored velvet leaves. She wears fawn-colored slippers and

stockings, and carries a fitch muff. Mrs. Ritter is wearing a very

rich-looking coat-suit in blue serge, trimmed at the collar and cuffs

with white monkey-fur. Her hat is dark-blue felt, quite large, with

a bird of paradise set at a decidedly rakish tilt. Her slippers and

stockings are black, and she carries an umbrella. Over at the extreme

left, and forward, Mrs. Fell is hearing Mr. Twiller read his lines

from the manuscript. Mrs. Fell is gowned in a brilliant creation of

silver-cloth trimmed with sea-green satin. There are numerous strings

of crystal beads hanging in the front from the waist to the bottom of

the skirt, and she has a spreading poinsetta in scarlet velvet fastened

at her waist. There is a long, fish-tail train to the gown, lined with

the green satin, and she has a heavy rope of pearls and sea-green beads

around her neck, from which her lorgnon depends. There are diamonds in

her hair, diamonds galore upon her arms and hands, and she’s wearing

her diamond dog-collar. Her slippers and stockings are of pale green.

Mr. Twiller has on a double-breasted blue-serge suit, a black derby,

black shoes and fawn-colored spats, and a perfectly villainous-looking

black mustache, absurdly large, and obviously artificial. He stands

leaning upon a cane, reciting his lines to Mrs. Fell. Mr. Spindler,

in a dinner-suit, is trying desperately to unfasten the stage-screw

from the floor at the left, while Mr. Hossefrosse, wearing a light

business-suit, a light, soft hat, tan shoes and spats, and carrying a

cane and gloves, is pacing back and forth between the left door and the

extreme left, reciting his lines to himself. He is atrociously made up,

with the carmine smeared heavily on his cheek-bones. The stage manager,

in a tan jumper and army shirt, dirty white running-pumps, a battered

old cap adorned with many tobacco-tags, and carrying a hammer, wanders

on from the right and crosses the stage, passing below Florence and

Mrs. Ritter, who turn and look at him curiously, and continues on up

at the left to the switch-board, where he picks up the newspaper from

the broken chair, and, after lighting his pipe, sits down to read. He

is apparently disgusted with the world and utterly oblivious of his

surroundings. The waltz-music stops, and Mr. Hossefrosse comes to a

halt in his pacing, right outside the left door. It is instantly flung

open, knocking him toward the left, and disarranging his hat, and Mrs.

Pampinelli sweeps out--in a princess-gown of ruby-colored velvet, with

a long train, and heavily trimmed about the upper part of the bodice

with ornaments of ruby-colored beads. Her shoulders and arms are bare,

and she has a small string of rubies about her throat;--a bracelet and

several rings of rubies; as well as a high Spanish comb studded with

rubies. Her slippers are of black velvet. Mrs. Ritter gives a little

cry as Mr. Hossefrosse is struck by the door._

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Holding the door ajar_] Oh, did I hit you, Mr.

Hossefrosse! I’m so sorry.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Settling his hat_] That’s all right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To the ladies_] The setting looks splendid, girls!

[_Crossing quickly below Hossefrosse towards the left_] Will you come

here for a moment, Mr. Spindler?

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning away to the right_] I don’t want to see it till

I go on.

FLORENCE. [_As Hossefrosse comes towards her_] You’d better keep away

from that door, Mr. Hossefrosse. [_She and Mrs. Ritter laugh._]

HOSSEFROSSE and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

HOSSEFROSSE. Yes, I think I had.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Up at the left, addressing the stage manager_] Are

you ready, Mr. Stage Manager? [_He continues to read._]

HOSSEFROSSE and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Brushing his clothes_] I don’t think a whisk-broom’d be

out of place on this stage, either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to Spindler, who is still occupied with the

stage-screw_] Mr. Spindler, will you come here, please? [_Turning back

to the stage manager_] Mr. Stage Manager! [_Spindler goes towards her,

and Hossefrosse goes through the left door._]

STAGE MANAGER. [_Looking up from his paper, very peevishly_] Yes?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Are you all ready?

STAGE MANAGER and TWILLER, together.

STAGE MANAGER. Yes, sure, I’m all ready. [_He resumes his newspaper._]

TWILLER. [_Turning sharply to Spindler, who has stopped on his way to

Mrs. Pampinelli to call Mrs. Fell’s attention to the stage-screw, and

to warn her to be careful of it_] Oh, go away! Can’t you see we’re

busy.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. [_Stepping briskly to her side_] Yes, mam?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Come here, please. [_Turning to the stage manager_]

Mr. Stage Manager--[_He looks up._] This young man will give you the

cue for the curtain, in case I am not here.

STAGE MANAGER. All right. [_He resumes his newspaper._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and coming forward again, holding her skirt

up off the floor_] You stand right here, Mr. Spindler, and I’ll give

you the signal when I’m ready.

SPINDLER. All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Hurrying towards the left door_] Now, is everybody

all right?

FLORENCE. Yes.

MRS. RITTER. I think so.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How are _you_, Paula?

MRS. RITTER. [_Giggling_] All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where’s Mr. Hossefrosse? [_She glances frantically

about._]

FLORENCE and MRS. RITTER, together.

FLORENCE. He’s just stepped on the stage.

MRS. RITTER. He was here a minute ago.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Hossefrosse, where are you! [_She opens the left

door._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling_] Mr. Hossefrosse! [_He opens the right door and

comes out._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Yes?

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY. [_Sitting at the desk over at the right, in the miniature set

beyond the flats, to Mrs. Pampinelli, as she comes through the left

door_] There he is.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To Teddy, as she steps into the miniature set,

through the left door_] Where’s Mr. Hossefrosse?

FLORENCE and MRS. RITTER, together.

FLORENCE. [_To Hossefrosse_] Mrs. Pampinelli’s looking for you.

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling_] Here he is, Mrs. Pampinelli! [_Hossefrosse

steps quickly to the left door and starts in, just as Mrs. Pampinelli

comes out through the right door. Florence steps over to the left door

and catches Hossefrosse by the arm, and pulls him back._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming through the right door_] Where _is_ he?

MRS. RITTER. [_Pointing to Hossefrosse_] There he is! [_She laughs._]

FLORENCE. [_Drawing Hossefrosse back_] Mrs. Pampinelli wants you!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_To Mrs. Pampinelli_] I beg your pardon.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, Mr. Hossefrosse!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Crossing to the right towards her_] Yes?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Are you all right?

HOSSEFROSSE. I think so, yes.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How is your make-up?

HOSSEFROSSE. All right, I think.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Indicating the right door_] Would you stand here for

a moment under this light until I see it?

HOSSEFROSSE. Certainly. [_He goes to the right door and stands with

his back against it. The light from the row of electric bulbs over the

door shines down on his face. Mrs. Pampinelli stands off to his right,

surveying his make-up critically._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Very good.

HOSSEFROSSE. Not too much red?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, I shouldn’t say so.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Indicating his right cheek_] Up here, I mean.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, I think the contour of your face requires it. It

heightens the expression. [_She starts across towards the left._] It’s

very good. [_Hossefrosse comes over and chats with the ladies about his

make-up._] Mr. Twiller! [_Twiller turns from Mrs. Fell._]

TWILLER. Yes? [_Turning back to Mrs. Fell_] Excuse me, Nelly.

MRS. FELL. Certainly.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How is your mustache?

TWILLER. [_Touching it gingerly_] All right, I think.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Is it quite secure?

TWILLER. I think so. [_Mrs. Ritter, Florence and Hossefrosse turn and

look._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Stepping back a step from him and looking at the

mustache, with her head tilted a bit to the left side_] You’ve made it

a little smaller, haven’t you?

TWILLER. [_Touching the left side of his mustache_] I cut it down a bit

on this side.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I thought you had.

TWILLER. I was a little conscious of it.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well,--I don’t know but that it’s better for the

characterization.

TWILLER. And how are my eyes? [_He turns and looks out and away off,

widening his eyes as though he were having his picture taken._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_After looking keenly at his eyes for a second_] Very

effective. [_She turns quickly away towards the right, and Twiller

turns back to his left to Mrs. Fell._] Now, is everybody ready? [_They

all smile and nod._] Your gloves and cane, Mr. Hossefrosse?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Crossing above Florence and Mrs. Ritter towards Mrs.

Pampinelli, extending his cane and gloves_] Yes.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning towards Mrs. Fell_] Places, Nelly! Get

ready, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. I’m all ready. [_Mrs. Fell closes the manuscript, excuses

herself to Twiller, and crosses, above him, towards the right. He goes

back at the left and says something to Spindler, then comes forward

again._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the left door_] Are you all right,

Teddy?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats, over at the right_] All right. [_As Mrs.

Fell passes above Florence and Mrs. Ritter, on her way over to

the right, she whispers something to them which causes a general

laugh:--then she continues on over to the door at the right and takes

up her official position, as promptress._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and addressing them generally_] Now, is

everybody all right? [_They all nod._] You both all right, girls?

[_Mrs. Ritter nods._]

FLORENCE. All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning around to the left to Mr. Spindler, and with

an authoritative gesture_] All right, then--take up the curtain!

SPINDLER. [_Waving his hand to the stage manager_] All right, Stage

Manager!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Getting up, very reluctantly_] Are you ready?

MRS. PAMPINELLI and SPINDLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, all ready.

SPINDLER. Let her go!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a kind of ceremonious flourish of the hand_]

Take up the curtain! [_The stage manager tosses his newspaper onto

the chair and steps out of sight, to the left. There is an anxious

pause. Then Mrs. Pampinelli starts violently and grabs the knob of the

left door._] Oh, wait one moment! [_Spindler rushes back at the left,

whistling._]

FLORENCE, MRS. RITTER, TWILLER and HOSSEFROSSE, together, [_as Mrs.

Pampinelli pulls open the left door._]

FLORENCE. Wait a minute!

MRS. RITTER. Oh, wait!

TWILLER. Hold it!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Grabbing the door and holding it open_] Not yet!

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling to the stage manager_] Just a minute!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Going in through the left door_] One moment, please!

[_She vanishes to the right, and there is a slight pause, during which

the curtain, which had been raised four feet, can be seen through the

door to descend again. They all exchange looks of distress and amused

annoyance. Then Mrs. Pampinelli hurries out through the door again._]

All right!

SPINDLER. [_Who has come forward at the left_] Is it all right?

[_Hossefrosse releases the door and it closes._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, it’s all right. [_Spindler goes towards the back

at the left and she follows him half-way._]

SPINDLER. All right, Mr. Stage Manager!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Off at the left_] Are you ready?

MRS. PAMPINELLI and SPINDLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, all ready, Mr. Stage Manager!

SPINDLER. Let her go!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and coming forward at the left_] Take it

up! [_She stands just to the left of the left door, peering through

the flats. Spindler is farther back at the left, peering, also; and

Mrs. Fell is over at the right door, peering. There is a pause. Mr.

Hossefrosse takes up his position outside the left door, preparatory to

making his entrance. He settles his clothes generally, and clears his

throat._] The curtain is going up, Mr. Hossefrosse, go on.

HOSSEFROSSE. Is it up?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, yes, go on! [_He opens the door, rather

magnificently, and swings in. There is a ripple of applause, and the

door closes after him; and they all try to find a crevice between the

flats that will afford a glimpse of the stage beyond. The stage manager

appears from the left carrying a regulation door-slam, which he brings

forward and drops, with a bang, just to the left of the left door. They

all turn and look at him, in resentful astonishment, but he simply

gives them a look of infinite disdain and returns to his chair at the

back to read._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Beyond the flats_] Anybody here, David?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats, over toward the right_] No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Beyond the flats, moving towards the right_] No

telephones?

TEDDY. No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Coming through the right door, without his hat_] Nothing

at all, eh? [_Mrs. Ritter is standing right in front of the door._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Get away from the door, Paula! [_Paula jumps to the

left. Mrs. Fell takes advantage of the crevice caused by the door

being open, to try to see the audience._]

TEDDY. [_Who can be seen through the open door standing at the desk_]

No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Leaning over and laying his cane and gloves on the chair

between the doors_] All right, sir. [_The door begins to swing to

behind him._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Keep that door open, Mr. Hossefrosse! [_Spindler comes

forward at the left to see what’s the matter. Hossefrosse thrusts his

foot back and kicks the door open._]

HOSSEFROSSE. And I think that will do very nicely for this day. [_The

door begins slowly to swing to again._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. There it goes again, Mr. Hossefrosse!

HOSSEFROSSE. It won’t _stay_ open! [_Mrs. Fell looks around the door._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take hold of that door, Nelly! [_Nelly puts one foot

around it, and stands looking at her manuscript. Spindler goes back at

the left and looks through the wings again, at the stage._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_In a frantic whisper_] Telephone!

MRS. FELL. Telephone, somebody!

HOSSEFROSSE. Good Lord!

FLORENCE. Mr. Spindler, telephone! [_Spindler rushes forward at the

left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where is he?

SPINDLER. What?

FLORENCE. The telephone-bell!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where’s your bell?

SPINDLER. [_Pulling the battery-arrangement out of his pocket_] Has the

cue been given?

TEDDY. [_Picking up the telephone on the desk beyond the flats_] Hello?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Ring it! Of course it’s been given! [_He rings the

bell, and Hossefrosse steps through the right door and watches Teddy

anxiously._]

SPINDLER. I didn’t hear it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Annihilating him with a look, and starting over

towards the right door_] Well, why aren’t you over here when your cue’s

given and then you would hear it! [_Spindler trails over after her._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Over his shoulder, to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Shush!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning sharply back towards the left, and directly

to Spindler, who is right behind her_] Shush! [_She passes below him

and continues towards the left._] Keep away from that door, they’ll see

you! [_In attempting to keep out of the way of the door, Spindler turns

sharply and trips over the screw of a stage-brace, falling his length

across the open door. Mrs. Ritter gives a little scream, and Mrs.

Pampinelli whirls round and glares at him. He scrambles to his feet,

and Mrs. Ritter giggles and pulls him to the left, away from the door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Standing in the open door, addressing Teddy_] Mrs.

A.? [_Teddy nods, and Hossefrosse pretends to pick up an imaginary

telephone from a desk just to the left of the right door._] Yes? All

right. [_He pretends to hang up and set the telephone down on the desk

again._] You can clear out of here now, David, any time you like,--Mrs.

Arlington is on her way up.

TEDDY. [_Rising, and settling the various papers on the desk_] All

right.

MRS. RITTER. [_Helping Mr. Spindler to brush off his clothes_] Did

you hurt yourself, Mr. Spindler? [_Mrs. Pampinelli tries to attract

Spindler’s attention to the door-slam._]

SPINDLER. No. [_He hurries over to the door-slam at the left and picks

it up._]

HOSSEFROSSE. I’ll let you off early Monday. [_Florence stands anxiously

outside the left door._]

TEDDY. Oh, that’s all right.

HOSSEFROSSE. And don’t forget to leave that list with the Robinson

people on your way down Monday.

TEDDY. No, sir, I won’t; I have it right here in me pocket. [_Florence

puts her lips against the left door and coughs hard. Then she shuffles

her feet; so does Spindler. Hossefrosse steps through the right door

and looks over toward the left door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Addressing Teddy, in a subdued tone_] Is that someone

coming?

TEDDY. [_Looking toward the left door_] I think so. [_There is a slight

pause, then Mrs. Pampinelli makes a decisive movement to Spindler and

he brings the door-slam down with a thunderous bang. Mrs. Pampinelli

starts violently._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. That’s too loud, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. There’s too much wood in it! [_He starts across to the

right._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Stepping down to Teddy’s desk and picking up his hat_]

That can’t be Mrs. Arlington already. I won’t see anyone else. [_He

starts back towards the door._] Tell them I’ve gone; and don’t let

anybody wait. [_He takes hold of the door as he steps through._] Say

you’re just locking up the office. [_He comes through the door and

tries to close it, but Nelly’s foot is still around it, and she is lost

in the manuscript. He pulls at the door, but she is oblivious._]

MRS. RITTER. Nelly! [_Spindler gives a little whistle to attract her

attention._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Let go of the door, Nelly!

MRS. FELL. [_Jumping out of the way, to the right_] Oh, I beg your

pardon! [_Hossefrosse scowls at her and closes the door. Spindler jumps

to the door and turns a key, which he has in his hand, in the lock,

then touches the button at the end of the cord, extinguishing the row

of lights over the door, then rushes back towards the left door. Mrs.

Ritter is right in his way as he rushes back, and they dodge each other

twice before Mr. Spindler can get past. When he reaches the left door,

he raps violently, Mrs. Pampinelli directing his activities with little

nervous gestures. There is a pause: then the left door is opened by

Teddy. Mrs. Ritter is right in front of it._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Standing to the left of the door_] Get out of the

way, Paula! [_Mrs. Ritter jumps out of the way, to the right, then

looks back at Mrs. Pampinelli and giggles, but Mrs. Pampinelli puts her

finger on her lips._]

FLORENCE. [_Passing through the left door_] Good evening, son.

TEDDY. [_Reaching out and closing the door_] Good evening. [_There

is prolonged applause from beyond the flats, and everybody, having

seen Florence safely through the door, rushes to his favorite crevice

between the wings, or rip in the scenery, to see how she is being

received by the audience._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Isn’t the Doctor in?

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t; he went about six o’clock.

FLORENCE. That’s unfortunate, I wanted to see him. [_Hossefrosse turns

away from the right door, where he’s been peeking, and mops his brow:

then he turns and puts his hat down on the chair._]

SPINDLER. [_Stepping towards him from the left door_] How do you feel?

HOSSEFROSSE. All right; but that door and that telephone got me kind of

rattled.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Looking over from the extreme left of the back flat,

where she has been peeking_] Shush, boys! [_Hossefrosse turns away and

tiptoes towards the right, and the others resume their peeking._]

MRS. FELL. [_Turning to Hossefrosse, as he passes below her_] What’s

the matter, Huxley, did something go wrong? [_Mrs. Pampinelli looks

over again to see who’s talking._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Indicating the right door_] That door kind of got me

rattled for a minute.

MRS. FELL. I don’t think the audience noticed it.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Shush! [_Nelly consults her manuscript, listening at

the same time to the dialogue beyond the flats, and Mr. Hossefrosse

continues to the extreme right and forward, trying to make the squeak

of his new shoes as inaudible as possible. Mrs. Pampinelli puts her ear

to the flat and listens keenly._]

TEDDY. [_Faintly, beyond the flats_] Why, he always asts me to wait

whenever he’s expectin’ his wife downtown. [_Spindler suddenly turns

from the wing where he has been peeking, and, breaking into quite

a jaunty little whistle, starts across towards the left; but Mrs.

Pampinelli turns abruptly and glares him into silence. He clasps his

hand over his mouth and apologizes with an obsequious little gesture._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] I see. And he was expecting her this

evening?

TEDDY. Yes, mam.

FLORENCE. Do you know her? [_Spindler trips and almost falls over the

stage-screw in the floor at the left. Twiller, who has been standing

down at the extreme left, makes an impatient move and goes up towards

the back._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, Mr. Spindler, for Pity’s sake do keep still for

one moment!

SPINDLER. [_Squatting down and attempting to remove the screw_] We’d

better get this thing out of here, before somebody gets hurt.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Now, don’t take that out of there, Mr. Spindler! You

might loosen the scenery.

SPINDLER. This isn’t connected with the scenery.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You don’t know whether it is or not! Leave it where it

is.

SPINDLER. [_Getting up and moving over towards the right_] Somebody’s

going to get their neck broken, the first thing you know.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Very well, then, that will be their misfortune! We’ve

simply got to be careful, that’s all. Get ready, Paula. [_Mrs. Ritter

giggles and takes up her position outside the left door._]

MRS. FELL. [_As Spindler comes towards her_] What’s the matter, Mr.

Spindler?

SPINDLER. [_In quite a temper, and indicating the stage-screw over at

the left_] Why, that thing there is sticking right up in the middle of

the floor, and the first thing you--

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Shush!--[_He turns and scowls at her, and she glares

at him. He passes below Mrs. Fell and over to Hossefrosse, at the

extreme right and forward, where he whispers his grievance._]

MRS. FELL. You all right, Paula? [_Paula nods yes._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Don’t be nervous, now, Paula. [_Twiller comes forward

at the left._]

MRS. RITTER. I’m not the least bit, dear, really.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well, that’s splendid, dear. I’ll open the door for

you. [_She takes hold of the knob of the left door._]

MRS. RITTER. All right, thank you. [_They stand listening, keenly._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Do you mind if I wait a few minutes, in

case he comes?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats_] Why, I was just going home.

FLORENCE. Oh, were you? [_Twiller lifts his hat and gives it a little

wave at Mrs. Ritter, and she waves her hand back at him._]

TEDDY. Yes, mam; and I have to lock up the office before I go.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Suddenly_] There it is now, dear. [_She opens

the door, and Mrs. Ritter steps back a bit, in order to make a more

effective entrance._] Good luck, darling.

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning to her_] Thank you, dear. [_She steps through

the door, tripping awkwardly over the door-strip. Mrs. Pampinelli makes

a gesture of extreme annoyance. There is an outburst of applause;

then Mrs. Pampinelli closes the door, and they all step to the flats

and peek through, Mrs. Pampinelli at the left door, Mrs. Fell at the

right, Mr. Spindler between them, and Hossefrosse and Twiller about

half-way back at the right and left, respectively. There is a pause;

and then Mrs. Ritter can be heard beyond the flats._] Hello, kid!

TEDDY. Hello, Mrs. Arlington.

MRS. RITTER. Is my sweetie in?

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t.

MRS. RITTER. [_With an unnatural inflection_] What!

MRS. FELL. [_Calling over in a whisper to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Betty!

[_Mrs. Pampinelli doesn’t hear her, so she tiptoes over towards her._]

Betty!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What?

MRS. FELL. Did Paula trip?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming away from the flat, and moving down to Mrs.

Fell_] Yes. [_Mrs. Fell gives an annoyed shake of her head._] But I

don’t see how anyone can get onto _that_ stage _without_ tripping.

MRS. FELL. I don’t either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. It seems an utter impossibility to me for anyone,

especially a woman, to get through those doors without catching her

heel or her skirt or something. [_Spindler crosses to the left, back of

the ladies, and speaks to Twiller._]

MRS. FELL. [_Returning to the right door_] It’s dreadful!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to her left and going back again to the

left door_] I don’t see the necessity of it.

MRS. FELL. [_Opening her manuscript_] I don’t either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Listening keenly_] I’m afraid they’re not hearing

Paula at all.

MRS. FELL. What?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I say, I’m afraid Paula isn’t loud enough.

MRS. FELL. Well, why don’t you speak to her, Betty, she’s sitting right

here. [_She indicates the point right inside the right door, and Mrs.

Pampinelli, picking up her skirt, hurries over. Mrs. Fell steps out of

the way, to the right._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Putting her lips to the joining of the door-wing and

the side wing_] Speak a little louder, Paula! I’m afraid they’re not

hearing you!

MRS. FELL. Can she hear you?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. A little louder, dear! [_The right door is thrust open

by Teddy._]

TEDDY. [_In a frantic whisper_] There’s no pen and ink on the desk!

[_Spindler rushes over from the left._]

SPINDLER. What? [_Mrs. Pampinelli, Mrs. Fell and Mr. Hossefrosse rush

round to him from the right._]

TEDDY. No pen and ink!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What is it, Teddy?

TEDDY and SPINDLER, together.

TEDDY. No pen and ink on the desk!

SPINDLER. No pen and ink!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. My God!

MRS. FELL. Tell her to use a lead-pencil!

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY.--[_To Mrs. Fell_] There’s none on there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Give him a lead-pencil, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. [_Whirling and springing towards the left_] Haven’t got one!

[_Teddy, Mrs. Pampinelli and Mrs. Fell rush after him._]

SPINDLER and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

SPINDLER. Twiller!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, dear, dear!

TWILLER. [_Rushing towards them from the left_] What’s the matter?

SPINDLER and TEDDY, together.

SPINDLER. Got a lead-pencil?

TEDDY. Give him a lead-pencil, Ralph!

TWILLER. [_Dropping his cane_] No! [_They fling him out of the way, to

the left, and rush on back to the stage manager._] What are you trying

to do, knock me off my feet!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Haven’t you got one, Mr. Twiller?

SPINDLER and MRS. FELL, together.

SPINDLER. [_To the stage manager_] Got a lead-pencil, old man?

MRS. FELL. [_At Mrs. Pampinelli’s heels_] There’s one in my bag

somewhere!

MRS. PAMPINELLI, SPINDLER and TEDDY, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to Mrs. Fell_] See what they’re doing out

there, Nelly!

SPINDLER. [_To the stage manager_] Or a fountain-pen!

TEDDY. [_To the stage manager_] They need it on the stage!

MRS. FELL and STAGE MANAGER, together.

MRS. FELL. [_Turning and rushing back towards the right door_]

Certainly, darling!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Feeling in his shirt-pockets_] Well, now, wait a

minute, wait a minute!

MRS. FELL. [_Turning with a despairing gesture, after having opened the

right door and looked in_] My dear, they’re not doing a thing, they’re

just sitting there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to the left_] Hurry, boys! [_Turning to the

right_] Tell them to say something, Nelly! Anything at all! Something

about the weather! [_Nelly runs to the extreme right end of the flat.

Teddy and Spindler come rushing forward at the left._] Did you get it,

Teddy?

TEDDY and SPINDLER, together.

TEDDY. Yes!

SPINDLER. Yes, he’s got it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Indicating the left door_] Go on here, Teddy! [_He

grabs the knob of the door, but it won’t open._]

MRS. FELL. [_Calling through the flats_] Say something, Paula!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You should never leave the stage during a scene, Teddy!

TEDDY and MRS. FELL, together.

TEDDY. [_Wrestling with the door_] Damn these doors!

MRS. FELL. [_Calling through the flats_] Something about the weather!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take hold of this, Mr. Spindler! [_He grabs the knob

of the door and Teddy runs across to the right door._]

TEDDY. I’ll go on here!

MRS. FELL. [_As Teddy goes through the right door_] If you can’t

use one door, use the other! [_The door closes after him; and Mrs.

Pampinelli turns and looks upon Spindler, who is still trying to get

the left door open._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You know, this is _all your fault_, Mr. Spindler. [_He

doesn’t look up._] You said you’d attend to all those properties!

MRS. FELL. What’s the matter with the door, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To Spindler_] Never mind it now. [_She moves towards

the center of the stage._]

SPINDLER. We’d better get it open before somebody has to use it again.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go away from it, I tell you! [_He walks away towards

the left, sulking._] It will probably open all right from the other

side. [_She comes forward slowly, touching her hair and relaxing

generally, then, suddenly, stands stock-still, and listens, wide-eyed.

She looks quickly at Mrs. Fell, who is carefully settling her necklace,

at the right door._] What’s wrong out there, Nelly? [_Nelly turns and

looks through the flats, then turns quickly to Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. I think he’s up!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Frozen to the spot_] Who? [_Nelly looks again, and

then back to Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. All of them!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Picking up her skirt and rushing towards the right

door_] Let me see! [_Nelly jumps out of the way, to the right, and

Twiller and Spindler rush to the left door and peek through. Mrs.

Pampinelli peeks through, and then speaks through the flats._] What’s

the matter, Teddy? Go over and get your hat and coat! [_Turning

frantically to Mrs. Fell_] He’s up in his lines! What is it?

MRS. FELL. [_In a panic_] Up in his lines!

MRS. PAMPINELLI and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Speaking through the flats_] Go over and get your

hat and coat, Teddy! Don’t stand there like a jack!

MRS. FELL. [_Handing the manuscript to Hossefrosse, who is at her

right_] Oh, find that for me, will you, Huxley! [_He takes the

manuscript from her and turns it over furiously, while Nelly opens

her lorgnon._] About page eleven, I think it is! [_She assists him in

finding the place._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What was the last line, Nelly? This is dreadful!

MRS. FELL. Now, wait a moment, darling! Don’t get me nervous, or I’ll

_never_ be able to find it! [_Twiller and Spindler are in a panic of

suspense over at the left door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Here’s page eleven.

MRS. FELL. Is that eleven? Well, now, here it is, right here-- Why, a--

I’ll get you an envelope!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What’s the next?

MRS. FELL. The next is--a--why a--I’ve got to go now--

MRS. FELL and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

MRS. FELL. It takes me nearly an hour to get home!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the flats_] I’ve got to go now!

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats_] I’ve got to go now!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the flats_] It takes me nearly an

hour to get home.

TEDDY. It takes me an hour to get home!

MRS. FELL. Are they all right?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming away from the flats_] Yes, they’re all right

now. But you’d better stand right here, I’m afraid of Paula. [_She

moves towards the left._]

SPINDLER. [_Coming towards her_] You know, I could have _sworn_ I put a

pen and ink on that desk!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Imperiously_] Please, Mr. Spindler, don’t explain

anything! I am interested in results. [_She turns and moves back

again towards the right, and Spindler goes over to the left. Just as

he passes beyond the left door, the entire lock and knob fall to the

floor. He turns nervously, only to find Mrs. Pampinelli, who has turned

quite as nervously, looking at him dangerously._]

SPINDLER. I didn’t _touch_ it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Will you go away, before you ruin the entire

performance! [_He snaps around and goes over to the left and up towards

the back._]

TEDDY. [_Opening the left door and swaying through_] Good night. [_He

is dressed in a brown sack-suit and wears tan shoes._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Good night, son.

MRS. RITTER. [_Beyond the flats_] Good night, kid.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Going towards him_] You should _never_ walk off the

stage, Teddy, in the middle of a scene! [_He closes the door behind

him, and, pressing his hand to his brow, starts towards the left._] Do

something, no matter what it is! [_He falls backward in a full-length

faint. She catches him._] Oh, dear child! Mr. Spindler! Come here, Mr.

Twiller, Teddy’s fainted! [_Twiller, who has been standing over at

the left, and forward, rushes towards her; and Mrs. Fell, followed by

Hossefrosse, comes rushing from the right._]

MRS. FELL. [_In a panic_] What’s the matter, Betty!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take Teddy over to the door, Mr. Twiller, he’s fainted!

TWILLER. [_Dropping his cane, in his excitement_] I _can’t_ take him

now, I’ve got a cue coming right here in a minute! [_Spindler comes

rushing down from the left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Here, Mr. Spindler, take Teddy over to the door, where

he’ll get some air! He’s sick. Look at the color of him. [_She hands

him to Spindler, who half carries him up at the left; and she and

Twiller follow on behind them._] Hold on to him, now, Mr. Spindler.

MRS. FELL. [_Turning back towards the right door, and addressing

Hossefrosse, who has returned to his former position down at the

right_] I always said he wasn’t strong enough for that part! [_She just

gets past the right door when it is frantically opened and Mrs. Ritter

thrusts her head out._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Breathlessly_] Mr. Twiller! [_The door closes again._]

MRS. FELL. [_Running towards the left_] Mr. Twiller! They’re waiting

for you!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Rushing forward at the left_] What is it?

MRS. FELL. [_In a perfect frenzy_] They’re waiting for Mr. Twiller!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Twiller! [_He snatches up his cane from the floor,

but the hook of it catches in the stage-brace, and he has considerable

yanking to do to get it loose. Mrs. Fell raps on the left door._] Go

on, Mr. Twiller, for Heaven’s sake! the stage is waiting! [_She pulls

the door open for him. He straightens his hat and then raps on the

wing beside the door._] Oh, go on! never mind rapping! that’s been

done! [_He steps through the door and she slams it after him, catching

his left arm and hand. The cane is in his left hand, and it falls at

Mrs. Pampinelli’s feet. She pulls the door open again to release his

arm; then gives the door a definite slam. A burst of applause greets

Twiller’s entrance. Mrs. Pampinelli is in a perfect wrath. She sweeps

across towards the right, and back again all the way across to the

left; then turns and starts back towards the right. As she passes the

left door she sees Twiller’s cane, and, realizing in a flash that he

will have need of it in his scene, she picks it up, opens the left

door slightly, and flings it in onto the stage. Then she continues on

towards the right, turns and crosses back again to the left, holding up

her skirt and bristling with temper._]

MRS. FELL. [_Back at the right door, speaking to Hossefrosse, down at

the right_] How are my eyes? Instead of paying attention to his part!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming across to the right_] People rehearsing

their cues a thousand times, and then don’t know them when they hear

them! It’s positively disgusting! [_She turns and goes back again to

the left, turns, and starts back to the right. Hossefrosse tiptoes

towards her._]

HOSSEFROSSE. What happened to Teddy, did he get sick out there?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, just a little reaction. [_Hossefrosse nods

comprehendingly._] He gives too much to the scene. He doesn’t

understand emotional conservation yet. [_Hossefrosse shakes his head

knowingly and returns to the right, and Mrs. Pampinelli steps to the

left door and listens._]

FLORENCE. [_Just audibly, beyond the flats_] She’s waiting for my

very unpunctual husband. In fact, we are both waiting for him, to be

precise. But I’ve just been telling her I’m afraid we may as well give

it up, for he’s never kept an appointment in his life. I’m sorry he

isn’t here, if you wanted to see him.

TWILLER. [_Beyond the flats_] I don’t know whether I wanted to see him

or not; it depends.

FLORENCE. I don’t understand you.

TWILLER. I don’t fully understand myself! [_There is a very general

laugh from beyond the flats. Mrs. Pampinelli looks anxiously at Nelly,

and Nelly looks up at her from the manuscript._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What was _that_?

MRS. FELL. [_Not having caught what she said_] What?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What was that the audience was laughing at? [_Mrs.

Fell peeks through at the door where she is standing, then turns

desperately to Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. Half of Mr. Twiller’s mustache fell off! [_She looks through

the peek again. Mrs. Pampinelli puts her hand against her brow and

leans upon the stage-brace, the picture of tragedy. Mrs. Fell turns to

her again._] I don’t think the audience noticed it, he stuck it right

on again!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. That doesn’t matter, there is absolutely no excuse for

it! He’s been here since four o’clock this afternoon! [_She crosses

towards the left and back again._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] What sort of a rumor was it, Mr. Rush,

if I may ask?

TWILLER. [_Beyond the flats_] The usual kind. [_There’s another laugh

from beyond the flats, and Mrs. Pampinelli stands petrified, just below

the left door. Mrs. Fell turns quickly and peeks, then turns to Mrs.

Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. [_Despairingly_] It fell off again! [_Mrs. Pampinelli raises

her fists and shakes them._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well, why on earth hasn’t he brains enough to leave it

off!

MRS. FELL. He has his hat on, too! [_Mrs. Pampinelli steps to the left

door and speaks through it._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Leave your mustache _off_, Mr. Twiller! Leave it

_off_!--And take off your _hat_, you’re inside. [_Hossefrosse tiptoes

over from the right._]

HOSSEFROSSE. What’s the matter, did his mustache fall off?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, twice; and he keeps sticking it on again. [_He

shakes his head regretfully and tiptoes back to the right._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Beyond the flats_] It’s perfectly ridiculous!

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Too bad my husband isn’t here.

TWILLER. [_Beyond the flats_] Yes, it is; I had counted upon seeing him.

FLORENCE. I’m sure he’d be able to explain.

TWILLER. Well, I hope he would!--the thing is damned annoying! [_Mrs.

Ritter gives an unearthly laugh, which is supposed to express derision.

Mrs. Fell looks up from her manuscript, and Mrs. Pampinelli smiles and

nods approvingly at her._] Even if _you don’t_ appreciate it!

MRS. FELL. Wonderful. [_She turns and smiles and nods at Hossefrosse;

then they all listen again. The stage manager, who has arisen from his

chair at the sound of Mrs. Ritter’s disdainful laughter, comes forward

at the left, with his pipe in one hand and his newspaper in the other.

He has a puzzled, inquiring expression, and looks from one to the other

quizzically; but Mrs. Pampinelli has her back to him, Mrs. Fell is

looking at her manuscript, and Mr. Hossefrosse’s face is, as usual,

utterly expressionless, so he steps to the juncture of the back flats

with the side wings and peeks through, curiously. Then he returns to

his chair up at the left, shaking his head from side to side._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Beyond the flats_] I don’t know what it is, yet!

TWILLER. [_Beyond the flats_] You know very well what it is!

MRS. RITTER. You haven’t told us.

TWILLER. You’re here, aren’t you!

MRS. RITTER. Yes.

TWILLER. Well, that’s it, exactly! [_Mrs. Pampinelli smiles

approvingly, and moves towards the right._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling Hossefrosse, who is engaged in studying his

lines from a paper, over at the right_] Mr. Hossefrosse.

MRS. FELL. [_Turning to him_] Huxley! [_He looks up, and tiptoes

towards Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How is this hall to speak in?

HOSSEFROSSE. Why, I shouldn’t say it was good.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I thought not.

HOSSEFROSSE. It’s too big for the speaking voice.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a gesture_] You have to _project_ the tone, do

you not?

HOSSEFROSSE. Oh, yes, absolutely.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Taking a step towards the back flat, and listening_]

I’m afraid they’re not hearing Paula at all.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Putting his fingers to his throat_] I’m using my upper

register almost entirely.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Glancing at him_] You’re very fortunate to know how

to do it.

HOSSEFROSSE. Did it sound all right from back here?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, splendid, yes, Mr. Hossefrosse!--your voice is

beautiful. [_He raises his hand deprecatingly._] Really,--I was just

saying to Mrs. Fell, I’m so sorry there isn’t another act, that you

might sing a solo between them. [_He beams and deprecates again,

profusely, and turns to the right. Spindler comes down at the left and

towards Mrs. Pampinelli._] Really! Splendid. [_She sees Spindler._]

Where’s Teddy?

SPINDLER. He’s gone over to the drug store.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. With his make-up on?

SPINDLER. He said he wanted to get some aromatic spirits of ammonia.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You have a cue right here soon, haven’t you?

SPINDLER. [_Taking the telephone-arrangement from his pocket, and

crossing towards the right door_] Where are they?

MRS. FELL. [_Suddenly looking up from her manuscript_] Telephone, Mr.

Spindler!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. There it is now, ring it!

SPINDLER. [_Shaking it desperately_] It won’t ring! [_Mrs. Fell turns

to Hossefrosse in desperation._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI, MRS. FELL and HOSSEFROSSE, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Shake it harder, it rang before!

MRS. FELL. What’s the matter with the fool thing!

HOSSEFROSSE. Hit it against something, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. There’s something the matter with the battery!

FLORENCE. [_Audibly, from beyond the flats_] Hello!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Relaxing_] Let it go,--it’s too late now. [_Spindler

continues to tinker with it._] You’ve missed every other cue, [_She

moves towards the left._] you may as well be consistent for the rest of

the evening.

SPINDLER. [_Following her_] Well, good night! I can’t help it if the

electricity won’t work, can I?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning upon him furiously_] You should have

attended to it beforehand and then it _would_ work! [_Mrs. Fell waves

her hand at them, to be quiet._]

SPINDLER. Well, My God! I can’t be in a half-a-dozen places at the same

time!

MRS. FELL. Shush! [_Hossefrosse tiptoes up to her and deplores the

noise that Mrs. Pampinelli and Spindler are making._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No one is asking you to be in half-a-dozen places at

the same time! You’ve simply been asked to attend to your cues; and

you’ve missed every one you’ve had!

MRS. FELL and HOSSEFROSSE, together. Shush!

SPINDLER. You told me to take care of Teddy, didn’t you?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I told you to take him to the door! I _didn’t_ say to

take him all the way to the drug store!

SPINDLER. Did you want me to let the man wander off somewhere by

himself, and maybe die!

MRS. FELL. [_Waving her manuscript at them_] Shus--sh!

MRS. PAMPINELLI and SPINDLER, together.

SPINDLER. Just for the sake of not missing a cue!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With bitter amusement_] There is very little danger

of his dying! And even if he did die, your duty is here! [_She points

to the floor with an imperative gesture. The right door is quietly

pushed open, and Twiller, with one-half of his mustache gone, pokes

his head out._]

TWILLER. Shush! [_He glances from one side to the other, withdraws

his head, and quietly closes the door. Spindler crosses below Mrs.

Pampinelli, to the left, then turns and looks at her angrily._]

MRS. FELL. [_Turning to Hossefrosse_] What did I tell you! Making more

noise out here than they are out there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Still holding her gesture, but following Spindler

with her eyes_] Performances are never interrupted simply because one

of the artists happens to die! If you were a professional you’d know

that; but you’re not! [_She turns away from him, towards the right,

and, simultaneously, the left door is opened, almost striking her.

She raises her arm to protect herself. Mrs. Ritter is standing in the

doorway._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Speaking to Twiller, who is still beyond the flats_]

Look and see. [_The telephone-arrangement in Spindler’s hands suddenly

rings wildly._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to him frantically_] Oh, stop that thing!

[_Mrs. Ritter glances furtively over her left shoulder at Mrs.

Pampinelli. Mrs. Fell comes rushing over, motioning to Spindler to stop

the bell._]

SPINDLER. [_Struggling with the bell_] I can’t stop it! [_Mrs. Ritter

hastily steps back through the door and pulls it to after her._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well, then, take it outside, where they can’t hear it!

[_Spindler scrambles towards the back and out of sight at the left.

Mrs. Pampinelli starts back towards the right._]

MRS. FELL. What’s the matter with that Spindler man, anyway!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I don’t know what’s the matter with him! I’ve given up

thinking about him.

MRS. FELL. He acts to me like a person that wouldn’t be in his right

mind! [_She goes back towards the right door._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Standing in the middle of the stage_] He’s simply

not a professional, that’s all. [_The left door opens again and Mrs.

Ritter is standing in it. Mrs. Pampinelli turns suddenly and looks at

her. Mrs. Ritter repeats her unearthly laugh, which again arouses the

curiosity of the stage manager, to the extent that he rises and comes

forward again at the left to get a look at her. Then he returns to

his chair, taking the door-slam with him, and standing it against the

wing._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Addressing Twiller, beyond the flats_] What about the

gentlemen?

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Jealous husbands, chiefly, aren’t they?

[_Twiller comes out through the left door, past Mrs. Ritter._] Didn’t

you want to leave a message for the Doctor, Mr. Rush? [_Twiller turns

right round and goes back to the door._]

TWILLER. Who, me?

FLORENCE. If you wish.

MRS. RITTER. [_Having some difficulty seeing Florence over Twiller’s

right shoulder_] He might leave an apology.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Very much annoyed, and stepping close to the flat,

just to the right of the door_] Get out of the doorway, Mr. Twiller!

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Perhaps we haven’t convinced him of his

mistake.

MRS. PAMPINELLI and MRS. RITTER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Trying desperately to attract Twiller’s attention,

and becoming more emphatic_] Get out of the doorway, Mr. Twiller,

you’re covering Paula up!

MRS. RITTER. [_Trying to talk to Florence over Twiller’s shoulder_]

Well, he’ll apologize to me, whether we’ve convinced him or not.

[_Mrs. Fell and Hossefrosse come over to see if they can be of any

assistance._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI and TWILLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Becoming desperate_] Paula! [_Paula gives her a

nervous glance._] Will one of you go farther in! Mr. Twiller!

TWILLER. [_Addressing Florence_] Have you convinced yourselves? [_He

gives Mrs. Pampinelli an irritated look over his left shoulder._]

FLORENCE. That there has been a mistake?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go farther in, one of you! [_Twiller gives her another

look, then speaks to Florence._]

TWILLER. Yes! [_Mrs. Pampinelli can contain herself no longer, so,

picking up her skirt, and holding her hand against the left side of

her head, she darts across the open door, to the left, and speaks to

them around the edge of the door. Mrs. Fell, taking advantage of the

circumstance of Mrs. Pampinelli’s crossing, tiptoes up to Twiller

and strikes him on the left arm, quite viciously, with the rolled

manuscript. As a polite remonstrance, he shakes his left hand and foot

at her. But, she is not dismayed, and repeats the attack, even more

viciously. Then he turns and glares at her, and she turns away towards

the right, desperately._]

FLORENCE. A great mistake.

MRS. RITTER. Disappointed? Because, you know, we can _invent_ a

scandal, if you insist.

MRS. FELL. Oh, what a man! What a man!

FLORENCE and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

FLORENCE. I’m afraid _my_ presence here would be a bit incongruous,

even for that.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go farther in, Mr. Twiller, don’t both of you stand

wedged in the doorway that way, it looks dreadful!

TWILLER. [_Raising his right arm and resting his hand against the jamb

of the door, completely cutting off Mrs. Ritter’s view of Florence_]

That’s the rub. [_Mrs. Ritter stands on her tiptoes to try and see over

his arm, but being unsuccessful in this effort, stoops a bit, and tries

to look under his arm._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take your arm down, Mr. Twiller! [_Mrs. Ritter reaches

up and quietly but firmly draws Twiller’s arm down. Mrs. Pampinelli

turns away to the left, disgusted._] My God! I never gave any such

direction as that!

FLORENCE. Be at ease, Mr. Rush; if you were not mistaken I should have

known it,--and so should you; I’m not a tragic woman. Did you want to

leave any message for the Doctor, Mrs. Rush?

MRS. RITTER. [_At Twiller’s right_] Yes,--[_Twiller turns his head

sharply and looks right into her eyes. She steps around back of him

and speaks to Florence over his left shoulder._] I wish you’d say that

my husband called--[_Twiller turns and looks into her eyes again, and

she steps around back of him again, to his right._] for my bill. [_She

reaches out and starts to draw the door to. Twiller, very ill at ease,

and awkwardly looking from side to side, not knowing just how to get

out gracefully, makes a full turn round to his right._]

TWILLER. [_Raising his hat to Florence_] Good evening, Mrs. Arlington.

[_Mrs. Ritter closes the door, causing him to drop his cane; but he’s

too excited to notice it._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Standing at the right door, extending his hand_] Great,

old man!

TWILLER. [_Dropping his gloves, as he shakes hands_] Thanks. [_He

continues to the right._]

MRS. FELL. [_As he passes below her_] Splendid, Ralph! What happened to

your mustache? [_She laughs._]

TWILLER. Can you beat that, Nelly! I couldn’t _coax_ that thing off

before I went on!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Holding the knob of the right door_] Shush!

MRS. FELL. I don’t think the audience noticed it.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to them_] Shush! [_Twiller goes down to the

right, and Mrs. Fell returns to her manuscript. The left door is flung

open. They all watch eagerly._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Inside the left door_] If you will, please?

FLORENCE. Certainly.

MRS. RITTER. Thanks.

FLORENCE. Don’t mention it.

MRS. RITTER. [_Trying to appear very bold_] Good bye.

FLORENCE. Good bye. [_Mrs. Ritter gives another famous laugh, sways

through the door, tripping over the door-strip, closes the door,

looks at Mrs. Pampinelli, who is standing at the left, and bursts out

laughing. There is prolonged applause from beyond the flats._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Splendid, Paula!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Listening intently for his cue, from beyond the flats_]

Shush-shush! [_Mrs. Ritter looks at him, still laughing foolishly._]

MRS. FELL. [_Waving at Paula_] Lovely, dear!

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning to Mrs. Pampinelli_] I forgot my umbrella.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where is it?

MRS. RITTER. I left it on the stage.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. That doesn’t matter. [_Hossefrosse tries to silence

them by dint of impatient gesturing with his right hand._]

MRS. RITTER. Oh, Betty, I think I saw Clara Sheppard out there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Not really?

HOSSEFROSSE. Shush!

FLORENCE. [_From beyond the flats_] You can come out now, Clyde,

they’ve gone. [_Hossefrosse yanks the right door open, causing the

wood-wing at the right to topple and fall forward._]

TWILLER. [_Leaping to catch it, before it hits Mrs. Fell_] Hold it!

[_Mrs. Fell hunches her arms and shoulders and screams._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Rushing over from the left_] What is it?

TWILLER. [_Struggling to set the wing up in place again_] This thing

nearly fell! Just got it in time! [_Mrs. Fell moves out of the way,

over to the left, and Mrs. Pampinelli tries to assist Twiller._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Is it all right now?

TWILLER. [_Brushing his hands and clothes, and coming forward at the

right_] Yes, it’s all right now. Just got it in time.

MRS. FELL. [_Rushing up to Mrs. Ritter, who is coming towards her

from the left, and shaking her by the arms_] Oh, you were marvelous,

darling! [_Mrs. Ritter giggles foolishly._] I could just hug you!

MRS. RITTER. I forgot my umbrella.

MRS. FELL. Wonderful performance! [_She steps to the right door and

opens her manuscript. Mrs. Ritter moves a little to the right and

stands looking at the wood-wing._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning from a more precise adjustment of the

wood-wing_] Oh, Mr. Twiller!

TWILLER. Yes?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How did you and Paula get wedged in that door that

way, over there a moment ago?

TWILLER. [_On Mrs. Pampinelli’s right_] Oh, I’m awfully sorry about

that! I got a little twisted on-- [_Mrs. Ritter comes to Mrs.

Pampinelli’s left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to Mrs. Ritter_] I was just asking Mr.

Twiller about that business in the door.

MRS. PAMPINELLI, MRS. RITTER and TWILLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Of course, it really didn’t matter very much.

MRS. RITTER. Oh, my dear, wasn’t that just too dreadful! But I didn’t

know what to do! I knew there was something wrong, but I didn’t know

what it was!

TWILLER. It was _my_ fault. I got a little twisted there in my

business-cues. I got up to the door a couple of speeches too soon.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I don’t think the audience noticed it.

MRS. FELL. [_Frantically searching in the manuscript_] Shush!

MRS. RITTER. Don’t you think they did, Betty?

MRS. FELL. Shush! [_They all turn and look at her. Mrs. Pampinelli

steps towards her._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Is somebody up? [_Nelly simply silences her with a

gesture, and opens the door slightly._]

MRS. FELL. [_Prompting through the door_] You’ve all been listening to

a lot of damned, cheap gossip!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_From beyond the flats_] You’ve all been listening to a

lot of damned, cheap gossip!

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Which should show you that people are

talking.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Somebody up? [_Nelly just shakes her head and

relaxes._] Mr. Hossefrosse?

MRS. FELL. The “damned, cheap gossip” line.