We know that the achievements of American business experts are often
beyond belief. Whether the following story is true, or is merely a
satire, must be left to the judgment of the acute reader:
"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"
The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man,
standing upon the threshold of his office.
"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the door
and sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, nor
have I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."
"My wife!"
"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I am
informed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia.
You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vast
business interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman,
still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered the
possibilities?"
The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.
"You--" he began.
"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motives
are pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science and
invention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this idea
of efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware,
is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I can
furnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, I
can assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this:
I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when travelling, at a
respectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as well
as business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I do
everything--play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know the
latest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am a
life-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the most
delightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir,
that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all the
strangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mind
where she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seem
commonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me she
is perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happiness
against the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to--"
In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently by
the arm, led him to the door.
"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn't
interest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that she
will actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endure
what little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil my
future. No, sir!"
His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.
"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do not
understand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. In
accordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at a
bridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, for
double the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which is
about half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry and
take her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest of
your life. Sign here, please. Thank you."