Well, Blandina wanted to go to the Anthropological Buildin'. She said
Professor Todd had recommended it. I should knowed he would choose that
spot in preference to any other. I hadn't a idee what it meant, but
didn't feel obleeged to tell her so, but spozed it wuz sunthin' hard to
tackle, judgin' from the name, but told her I wuz willin' to go to see
_it_ or _her_ or _him_, not knowin' which it would turn out to be. But
come to find out it wuz everything relatin' to the history of man, and
spozed that wuz one reason why Blandina wuz interested in it.
It wuz a monstrous big buildin', and in it and outside on't wuz exhibits
from all the different countries of the world, showin' the difference in
the races of mankind, their difference through all the ages, anatomy,
industries, customs, education, different religious rites, games, books
and pictures, maps illustrating mankind and his works, etc., and I could
fill a dozen pages with etcs., and not half exhaust the contents of the
immense buildin'.
Blandina wuz in her glory here, she wuz studyin' in full magesty the
history of her idol, man. But as I told her, I spozed the term, man,
included woman also. But she looked dubersome, she didn't like the idee
I could see, and Josiah didn't. But I knowed I wuz right, and I guess
Molly thought so too.
This is the most complete gathering of the world's people and races that
has ever been got together, and includes different types, from the
smallest pigmies from Central Africa to the Patagonian giants. Josiah
wuz delighted to learn of the strength of these pigmies, how they kill
elephants and rhinocerhorses, and sez he, "I tell you, Samantha, it
hain't size that counts, it is most always the smallest men that are the
smartest, looked at Napoleon and me."
But I whispered to him to keep still, for he wuz attractin' attention,
and I led the way to see the giants. But he looked coldly on 'em, and
sez he:
"They hain't thought much on, it speaks about their mean statter in the
guide books."
But I thought to myself how handy it would be to have one on 'em in the
neighborhood to rent out by the day to whitewash overhead or shingle the
barn; they wouldn't even have to git up in a chair, and Id'no but they
could lay a chimbly standin' on the ground; they wuz immense.
And there wuz displays of the works and habits and native surroundin's
of the lowest types from the beginnin' of the stun age up to the present
finished glory of Jonesville and the world at large. And I wondered
what, what would be the glory showed off a hundred years from now, what
hites would men stand on, sailin' round through the air and comin' from
other planets to the show like as not jest as easy as we come from
Jonesville. And where will Josiah and I be then? That wuz another
thought that hanted me, and what would we be lookin' on? 'Tennyrate I
hope we will be together wherever it is.
But to resoom. There wuz the skin housen of the Indians from Mexico and
the display of the Ainu tribes from Japan; red negroes from Central
Africa, and all the Indian tribes left in North America, so fast meltin'
away like the leaves of the forest before the march of winter. Basket
makers from California and Arizonia, bead workers, arrow workers, all
carryin' on their work before us and goin' through their ceremonies and
playin' their games.
And there wuz the tradin' post, with the agent cheatin' the Injuns jest
as nateral as life, so I spoze. Mexico had a wonderful collection,
native books on Maguey paper, amulets of gold, sculpture, carved idols,
remarkable lookin', though I wouldn't worship one on 'em not for a
dollar bill.
Egypt, where Civilization first started, had to crumple down and send
her best treasures to the fur away West. Oh, how fur, how fur
Civilization has traveled since she left the Lotus land. And she hadn't
better set down yet and fold her hands. She's got a good many jobs
before her that I could pint out to her right here in America.
And there wuz a hull Egyptian tomb, mummies, ancient pottery, necklaces
and beads took out of old Egyptian tombs. Oh, where wuz the throbbin'
hearts that beat agin them with boundin' life and joy? So much stronger
and greater than the fragile things, yet gone to dust and ashes
centuries ago, while these senseless toys outlive 'em and are brought
thousands of milds to be looked on by a strange race. And there wuz
scarabes, symbols, strange lookin' things as I ever see and piles on
'em.
And there wuz a display showing how they first started fire, which they
worshipped when first discovered as the Red Flower God, and everything
up to its present development. And so with the earliest attempts at
makin' weapons, blades of bamboo and wood, hammered copper up to the
deadly life destroyers of to-day.
And in one room wuz the priceless treasures of the Vatican, and a
exquisite collection of the Jubilee presents of the Widder Albert carved
ivory gems, beautifully set jewels, fans, feathers, leather work and
wrought gold, carved ebony, sandal-wood, embroidered silk and velvet
caskets, silver prayer wheel (though she never used it I'll warrant, no
quicker than I would) gold boxes from Africa, Burmah and all her
provinces; gold and velvet harnesses and saddle cloths, chains and
plumes; a chair of state of carved ivory; kneeling cushion in rich
embroidered velvet; elephants' tusks mounted on ebony and on rosewood;
there are thirty cases in all, and as I looked on 'em, lent to this
Exposition by his Gracious Majesty, King Edward VII, jest as willin' as
I'd lend sister Bobbett a drawin' of tea, my feelin's pretty nigh
overpowered me and I almost bust into tears, but knowin' Josiah's state
of nerves I kep' up and restrained myself in a measure.
But I noticed Blandina wuz beginin' to act restless and looked at her
watch, and finally she said that Professor Todd had promised to meet her
at the Anthropometric Display.
Sez I, "I should know that of all the places in the world that would be
his chosen rondevoo."
"Yes," sez she, "he has got such exquisite taste--in dress."
I don't believe she had a idee what it wuz, I believe she thought from
what she said that it wuz some kind of men's clothes, or scarf pins
mebby. I myself didn't even hazard a inward guess, but made up my mind
to be resigned to the sight whatever it wuz and bear up under it the
best I could.
But we found out it included all kinds of measures, attitudes and
angles, photographs, moulds, casts and rates of pulsation, measurements
of respiration, tryin' to measure and estimate as well as they can the
different physical values of the different races and people, it wuz a
sight to see it.
Sure enough Professor Todd wuz there, and I willin'ly resigned her into
his care. He offerin' to see her home after the illumination. I knowed
he wuz to be trusted, and they went off, Blandina lookin' up happy and
adorin', he happy, patronizin' and lookin' down. Both on 'em contented
creeters. He leadin' her a willin' victim to where the biggest named
articles wuz and explainin' 'em to her in words more'n two inches long,
I'll bet, but if anybody is happy that's enough. And though it is
puttin' the wagon considerable ways before the horse, I may as well tell
a conversation I overheard between Professor Todd and Blandina later in
the day. Molly and Josiah wuz interested in lookin' at a display a
little ways off, and I'd sot down for a spell restin' my tired head on
my hand, and closed my eyes, for they too wuz so weary I felt I should
almost be ashamed to face them two gray orbs in the lookin'-glass, for I
knowed I had worked 'em too hard, and no knowin' when they would git any
rest, for it seemed as though the more we see the more there wuz to see.
And I sot there lost in wistful retrospection of the view from our back
door where there wuz but one object in front of me, and that wuz a plain
barn with no cupolas or minarets, or towers or domes on it. No, jest a
plain barn with a slidin' door enriched and bejeweled when open only by
the form of my beloved pardner. And the only vista visible the grassy
path that led round the hen house to the ash-barrel, and the only
ornamental water, the waterin' trough embellished only by the green moss
on its sides.
I felt I'd seen too many ornaments, I most knowed I should never hanker
agin for a minaret or a mosque, or a steeple or a crescent, or a wavin'
banner, or gildin', I felt that my heart would never more long and pine
for water to squirt up in the air or drizzle down three or four hundred
feet, nor for statutes or peaks or pillers. No, I almost felt I should
have Dave Yerden saw off the top of the whatnot because it riz up in a
sort of ornamental fashion, and I almost despised the thought of the M.
E. steeple in Jonesville, to such wicked and reckless lengths will
over-weariness lead one. But jest as I wuz rebukin' myself to myself, I
hearn jest on the other side on me the voices of Blandina and Professor
Aspire Todd. He wuz evidently continuing a conversation begun sometime
before.
"Oh, that lost companion of mine! oh, that beauchious female so
humilitous in her sweet humility, so super-conscious of man's superior
attainments, she seemingly only existed to minister to my corporial
necessities."
"Well she might, Professor, well she might," sez Blandina. "Any woman of
right feelin' would feel only too blest and honored to do the same."
"I experienced from the first moment my eyes rested on you," sez the
Professor in solemn axents, "a sensation, or a feeling, as you may say,
that you wuz my affinity, that your soul wuz congenial, and every
transitory period of time that has progressively advanced since then has
but intensified the impression."
Though I couldn't see her, I could feel Blandina simper. But at that
minute Josiah interrupted the dialogue by askin' where Samantha wuz, and
I come forward and jined 'em. Blandina looked radiantly happy, and I
motioned to Molly and Josiah to come on, I knowed they would rather have
our room than our company. For I remembered I wuz onmarried myself once,
and though my sperit wuz never incarnated in the personality of a
Blandina, yet I had a vivid remembrance of the time when Love first laid
holt on me, and I well remembered the feelin's I felt at the ardent
attentions of a Josiah.
Professor Todd might not be an object of admiration to me, indeed he wuz
not, fur from it! But one of the last things we learn in life is not to
judge other folks attachments and desires by our own liking, and not to
condemn other people for having fur different ideals than our own. I had
found out that Professor Todd wuz likely and respectable and well off,
and if Blandina had got to git along through life without knowin' much,
she had better git along with a protector and under comfortable
circumstances. So I stood ready to give away the bride at any time, for
to tell the truth I had worried about her future, not knowin' but I had
her on my hands for life. But true to my principles I felt that I would
make no matches nor break none, but would only smooth the path for True
Love to trundle along in.
Josiah wuz blind as a bat to what I see, and wanted to know, "What
Blandina wuz pokin' round with that fool for?"
Truly men can't see through a stun wall or a matrimonial movement with
anything like the clearness of a woman. As I wended my way onwards I
felt jest as sure in my mind how it would end as I did two months
afterwards when I see 'em at the altar.
But to resoom backwards. Josiah, Molly and I wended our way off to
another department of the immense buildin', goin' from one display to
another, and could have stayed a week and seen sunthin' new every
minute.
I took sights of comfort at the Indian schools. Seein' on one side the
old poor oncivilized way of living, habits and customs; and then to see
what education and culture had done and wuz doing for 'em, what swift
strides they wuz makin' along the road that leads upwards. And to see
'em workin' away right before us at all the industrial trades, to see
inteligence in the eyes that had held savagery, to hear the inteligent
conversation in place of gutteral axents, I wuz highly tickled.
And I sez to Josiah and Molly, "I hope Uncle Sam will do well by all the
folks he's gardeen over, the Indians, Negroes, Philippinos and all, I
believe he means well by the hull on 'em, but he has so much on his
hands he don't know which way to turn, and I spoze it will be some time
before he gits 'round to do what he wants to for all on 'em, and," sez
I, "they had better in the mean time try to git along and do all they
can for themselves, it will be best for 'em anyway."
I wuz walkin' along with my Josiah in a quiet part of the grounds, if
any of 'em can be called so, 'tennyrate there wuzn't many round when I
hearn some workmen passin' along say, "There is the President."
And lookin' round eagerly and anxiously I see a good-lookin' man with
eye glasses settin' on a bench readin' a paper. And I knowed to once
that it wuz our Teddy, so dear to the heart of them that set store by
manliness, fearlessness, bravery, bright badges from Heaven's mint
shinin' on the breast of a man faithful to wife, children and country.
He didn't look exactly like his pictures, but I knowed pictures didn't
always favor their originals, specially in newspapers. I wuz highly
tickled to see him, for I had some errents for him, and wanted to advise
him for his good, and I advanced with outstretched hand and sez "Mr.
President, I am delighted to see you!"
He shook hands and said polite, "You have the advantage of me, mom."
"Yes," sez I, "folks see your face in the papers." I mentioned my name
and then went right on to say, "I wanted to tell you the first thing, I
hadn't nothin' to do with that slightin' piece about you you probable
read in the Jonesville Auger. The Nation knew I had writ for it, and for
the Gimlet, and I wuz awful afraid you'd think it wuz me, and be mad at
me, but I'm as innocent as a infant babe. Keturah Snyder writ it, and
she's been through with trials enough to make her bitter but bein' so
mad she sez things she can't prove. Now she thinks you could kep' her
from bein' turned out of the Jonesville post-office and you could keep
the price of meat down. No use arguin' with her, she sez you had it in
your power to squelch some of the Trusts, and didn't do nothin' but
talk.
"And that Post-Office scandal, she said she spozed you wuz goin' to make
public samples of them stealers, but it all squizzled out, nothin' done
about it, only jest talk. And you remember she said in her piece, 'she
wuz turned out of the post-office for borryin' five cents from the
Government, and bein' backward with another five, ten cents in all, and
them post-office clerks in Washington stealin' hundreds of thousands and
nothin' done.'" Here Theodore tried to say sunthin', and knowin' he wuz
such a fluent talker I wuz bound to git my explanation in before he
begun, for I wouldn't interrupted him for the world after he got to
goin'.
Sez I, "I wanted you to know jest what reason she had for bein' so mad
and writin' it, for I knowed you wouldn't feel so mortified about it.
The way on't wuz, she wuz in the Office, and hadn't baked that week
owin' to the cat tippin' over her yeast, she's so petickular she won't
use boughten, and a hull load of company driv up onexpected at leven
forty-five. The baker come and not havin' a cent of change by her, and
he refusin' to trust her jest out of meanness, she knowin' she wuz to
have some money paid her in the mornin', jest borrowed five cents from
Uncle Sam. I don't say it wuz right, she'd better made biscuit, but I
say she wuz punished pretty hash for that and two other small things,
for bein' half distracted by her cares, she forgot to cancel three
letters, the first mistake she'd made in the three years she'd been in
office. One wuz a drop letter, so Uncle Sam wuz only out five cents.
Well, you know Theodore, that when trials come, they come as Shakespeare
said, 'Not as single spiders but hull battles on 'em,' or words to that
effect.
"Right on top of that Baker come the Inspector. He discovered the
deficit of ten cents, and also that other incident, where I got mixed up
in the Jonesville P.O. Scandal. Keturah had to have help in the office
once in awhile, and two men wanted to work for her, Nate Yerden and Sam
Pendergrast. She didn't like Nate, and she did like Sam, and I don't
spoze it made much difference in her feelin's, but Sam kep' sheep and
did gin her yarn for a pair of stockin's, and jest out of pure kindness
I colored it for her in my indigo dye tub.
"I never thought of committin' any sin, let alone one with such a big
name, Misprision of Treason and Maladministration of Justice, I believe
he called it. Why, for a spell I thought I should have to be shot up,
Josiah wuz skairt to death, and told him he never hearn of such crimes,
and sez he, 'I'll bet you can't find 'em in the Velosipeder.'
"He meant the Encyclepeder, but poor man he wuz most crazy. I emptied
out my blue dye and don't know as I shall ever set up another. And
Keturah raveled out her stockin's and gin back the yarn, I got off with
the awfulest talkin' to I ever had, and warnin's never, never to trifle
in such a heedless and wicked way with Public Matters and the sacred
rights of the people. But Keturah, poor thing! wuz jest turned right out
of office root and branch. She knowed what high influence duz in
politics, and she got Thomas Jefferson to argy with the Inspector and
tell him jest how it wuz. But he said the dignity of a great Nation wuz
at stake and out she must go.
"Keturah wep' and cried, and reminded him the yarn wuz gin back and how
small the sum wuz. And he said, 'A straw showed which way the wind
blowed, and the Nation must trust its public servants implicitly, or
where would be the safety of the people.'
"Then Keturah sassed him and said if a straw showed the direction of the
wind in Jonesville, how wuz it with the dead loads and stacks of straw
in Washington, sez she, they're so heavy with rottenness and corruption
they can't blow. You'll remember that powerful figger of speech in the
article. I told her it would make you mad as a hen and I spoze it did.
And I felt it my duty to molify you and tell you that a honester creeter
never lived than Keturah, and it wuz only these extronnery circumstances
that made her borry the ten cents. And workin' out by the day and eatin'
codfish as she duz, makes her more morbid, kinder salts her blood I
believe, and she lays it to you onjustly, for meat bein' so high that
she can't buy any.
"Ive told her time and agin it wuzn't your fault. But she sez you might
hold in the Trusts some if you wuz a minter.
"She sez you had 'em in your power once and could made a sample on 'em
but didn't, and so, sez she, I've got to live on codfish, and the flour
trust is bringin' up flour so Id'no but I'll have to eat saw-dust bread.
You remember them powerful metafors in the Auger. I wanted to explain
all this and I also had some errents of my own."
He made another effort to speak, but knowin' his remarkable eloquence,
and that I wouldn't try to git a word in after he begun, I should enjoy
his talk so, I kep' on:
"I want to be open and above board, Theodore, jest as you are nachelly.
And that other piece you remember that come out about the same time in
the Jonesville Gimlet I'll tell you plain that I approved on it, though
I didn't write it. You remember it begun with this quotation:
"'They enslave their children's children
Who make compromise with sin.'
"And it went on to talk about our great dignified Nation bein' a pardner
in Saloons, ruinin' men, breakin' wimmen's hearts, starvin' children,
committin' theft, murder, adultery, arson, helpin' on fights, death and
ruin, jest goin' in snux, as you may say with all this for the money got
out of it; it said that though there wuz many great evils to face and
overthrow, there wuz none that brutalized the race and agonized the
hearts of the people like this, and though all sin left its mark, no
other sin changed a man so into the loathsome body and soul wrecks, that
drunkenness did, and all for a little money.
"It wuz a powerful piece, and as full of facts as a brick is of sand. It
told jest how much money Uncle Sam got out of every drunkard he made. My
memory hain't what it wuz, Theodore, and I can't tell exactly jest how
much money it would be in Uncle Sam's pocket to make your four bright
good boys drunkards, and finish up the job and land 'em in the
drunkard's grave, via the saloon and gutter. But if you stood by and see
it goin' on before your face as so many thousands of proud and lovin'
fathers have to, you would think a million dollars of such blood money
wuz too cheap, yes indeed!
"That tells the hull story, Theodore, I could throw statistics at you
till you wuz black and blue, about our country spendin' for what is
useless and ruinous to soul, body and estate, one billion four hundred
millions a year, and about the hundred thousand drunkards that stumble
along into the staggerin' slobberin' ranks every year, and drop into the
drunkard's grave. I could eppisode eloquent to you about all this but
what's the use; you're real smart and you know all about it. You've seen
on every side on you the beast drivin' out the angel in man, you've seen
the staggerin' army march by you to ruin. You've seen the saloons spring
up by the thousands on every side, for the purpose of makin' drunkards,
you've seen wives murdered by them that promised to protect 'em, you've
seen children driv to starvation and the streets by it; you've seen
Poverty drive Prosperity out everywhere the curse fell. And you've seen
nothin' good come from it, nothin' at all, only the money that Uncle Sam
takes with one hand, and pays out with the other, for law's machinery to
punish the criminals he makes, and prisons, jails, reformatories, poor
houses, orphan's homes, cheap coffins, etc.
"No use my tellin' you all this for you know it, but you love your boys,
and I want you to promise me to do by other boys as you'd want me to do
by yourn if I see the Saloon tryin' its best to entice 'em, and see
their bright innocent eyes beginnin' to enjoy the deathly glitter on't.
You'd want me to slam that door to and keep 'em out. Put my shoulder
blade agin it, prop it up with all the strength I could git holt on in
law and gospel, so they couldn't git in. And that's what I want you to
do, Theodore, I want you to help keep out other children jest as dear to
their fathers and mothers as your children are to you. And you know that
you and their mother would ruther see 'em lay dead at your feet, than to
see 'em enter that door with the doom of the place on 'em.
"It's a heavy door, Theodore, loaded down with greed and lowest
passions, you can't shet it alone, nor I can't, but I would feel guilty
as a dog if I didn't try my very best. Public Opinion backed by Law is
what has got to slam that door to and lock it. But you and I can help,
and you can do more than I can, and I want you to promise me to do all
you can."
Agin I see he wuz strugglin' for speech, and I hurried to git my last
words in, "I believe you want to do right, and I will encourage you by
tellin' you that Josiah is goin' to vote for you, though we hain't got
nothin' agin Mr. Parker. He's close-mouthed, which is a good quality,
though it can be carried too fur.
"A neighbor of ourn had warned her girl to not be too familiar with the
hired man, a good Christian he wuz too. And once when her ma wuz gone he
asked her where the milk pail wuz, and she wantin' to be on the safe
side wouldn't say a word. That wuz bein' too cautious, and a good many
think he's been a little too mute about some things, he didn't tell jest
where his politics wuz. But then the tongue is a onruly member and has
to be curbed in, and I guess he means well. And Mr. Davis, too, of
course he's gittin' along in years. But jest think of Methusaler, Mr.
Methusaler's folks would call Mr. Davis nothin' but a child."
Here he blurted right out, "I hain't Theodore, though I've been took for
him before, I'm President of a Gas Company."
I wuz mortified for most a minute, but come to think it over I knowed
such seeds of truth as I'd been a scatterin' couldn't help but do good
even if the sile wuzn't so rich as I'd spozed.