"Did you see on the front page of all the newspapers this morning where
Klaw & Erlanger has had another split with the Shuberts, Mawruss?" Abe
Potash asked, one morning in February.
"Say," Morris Perlmutter replied, "I didn't even know they had ever made
up since the time they split before, and, furthermore, Abe, I think that
even if the most important news a feller in the newspaper business could
get ahold of to print on his front page was an I.O.M.A. convention,
instead of the greatest war in history, y'understand, he would be giving
his readers a great big jolt compared with the thrill they get when they
read about the troubles people has got in the show business."
"Maybe _you_ think so, Mawruss," Abe said, "but Klaw & Erlanger and the
Shuberts don't think so, and when you consider that them two concerns
control all the theayters in the United States and spends millions of
dollars for advertising, Mawruss, a feller in the newspaper business
don't show such poor judgment to give them boys a little space on the
front page whenever they have their semi-annual split."
"Probably you're right, Abe," Morris said; "but if it was you and me
that had a big fight on with our nearest competitors, Abe, advertising
it in the newspapers would be the last thing we would be looking for."
"The garment business ain't the theayter business, Mawruss," Abe said.
"For instance, being a defendant in a divorce suit don't get any one
nowheres in the garment trade, because if a garment-manufacturer would
have such a person working for him practically the only effect it would
have on his business would be that he would be obliged to neglect it two
or three times a day answering telephone inquiries from his wife as to
just how he was putting in his time, y'understand, and so far as
bringing customers into your place who want to see the lady you got
working for you which all the scandal was printed about in the papers,
Mawruss, it wouldn't make any difference _what_ the evidence was, you
couldn't get your trade interested to the extent even of their coming in
to snoop with no intentions to buy, y'understand. But you take it in the
theayter business and big fortunes has been made out of rotten plays
simply because the theayter-going public wanted to see if the leading
lady looked like the pictures which was printed of her in the papers at
the time the court denied her the custody of the child, understand me."
"Then you think that there's going to be a big rush on the theayters
controlled by Klaw & Erlanger and the Shuberts on account people has
been reading in the papers about their scrapping again, Abe?" Morris
inquired.
Abe shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think nothing of the kind,
Mawruss," Abe said; "but there's a whole lot of fellers in the theayter
business which have stories printed about themselves in the Sunday
papers where it tells how they used to was in business and finally
worked their way into the theayter business and what is their favorite
luncheon dish, y'understand, till you would think that the reason people
went to see plays was because the manager formerly run a clothing-store
in Milwaukee, Wis., and is crazy about liver and bacon, Southern style."
"That would be, anyhow, as good a reason as because the leading lady's
home life didn't come up to her husband's expectations," Morris
commented.
"Well, no matter for what reason people do it, Mawruss," Abe concluded,
"buying tickets for a show is as big a gamble as a home-cooked Welsh
rabbit, in especially if you try to go by the advertisements. For
instance, in to-day's paper there is three shows advertised as the
biggest hit in town, four of them says they got more laughs in them than
any other show in town, and there are a lot of assorted 'Biggest Hits in
Years,' 'Biggest Hits Since the "Music Master,"' and 'Biggest Hits in
New York,' so what chance does an outsider stand of knowing which
advertisements is O.K. and which is just pushing the stickers?"
"The plan that I got is never to go on a theayter till the show has been
running for at least three months, Abe," Morris advised.
"But if everybody else followed the same plan, Mawruss," Abe commented,
"what show is going to run three months?"
"Say!" Morris exclaimed. "There would always be plenty of nosy people in
New York City which 'ain't got no more to do with their money than to
find out if what the crickets has got to say in the newspapers about the
new plays is the truth or just kindness of heart, y'understand."
"From what I know of newspaper crickets, Mawruss," Abe said, "when they
praise a show they may be mistaken, but they're never kind-hearted."
"If a play runs three months, Abe, it don't make no difference to me
whether the newspaper crickets praised it because they had kind hearts
or knocked it because they had stomach trouble," Morris said, "I am
willing to risk my two dollars, _anyhow_."
"Maybe it would be better all around, Mawruss, if the newspaper crickets
printed what they think about a play the day after it closes instead of
the day after it opens," Abe observed, "and then they might have
something to go by. As it is, a whole lot of newspaper crickets is like
doctors which says there is absolutely nothing the matter with the
patient only ten days before the automobile cortege leaves his late
residence."
"But there is more of them like doctors which says that the patient may
live two days and he may live two weeks, y'understand, and four weeks
later he is put in Class One and leaves for Camp Upton with the next
contingent," Morris said. "Take even 'Hamlet,' Abe, which I can remember
since 'way before the Spanish war already, and I bet yer when that show
was put on there was some crickets which said that John Drew or whoever
it was which first took 'Hamlet' did the best he could with a rotten
part and headed the article, 'John Drew scores in dull play at
Fifty-first Street Theater.'"
"Even so, Mawruss," Abe said, "that wouldn't feaze J.H. Woods or whoever
the manager was which first put on 'Hamlet,' because we would say, for
example, that the cricket of the New York _Star-Gazette_ said, 'Hamlet'
would be an A-number-one play if it had been written by a pants-presser
in his off moments, but as the serious work of a professional
play-designer it ain't worth a moment's consideration; also the cricket
of the New York _Record_ says, From the liberal applause at the end of
the third act 'Hamlet' might have been the most brilliant drama since
'The Easiest Way' instead of a play full of clack-trap scenes and which
will positively meet the _capora_ it deserves, y'understand.
Furthermore, Mawruss, we would say that every other paper says the same
thing and also roasts the play, y'understand, so what does this here
Woods do? Does he lay right down and notify the operators that under the
by-laws of the Actors' Union they should please consider that they have
received the usual two weeks' notice that the show will close the next
night? _Oser a Stueck!_ The next day he puts in every paper for two
hundred and twenty-five dollars an advertisement:
FIFTY-FIRST STREET THEATER
J.H. WOODS ..... LESSEE
J.H. WOODS
PRESENTS
'HAMLET'
THE SEASON'S SENSATION!