In 'Nix on the Bonds,' a Playlet with a Punch.
Suspense, Surprise, Finish, and All the Fixings that Make a
Snappy Dramatic Entertainment in Tabloid Form."
"The mistake that Mr. Wilson made in number six on the program was that
he took it for granted when the Allies welcomed Russland into the
Society of Free Nations, Russia would behave like a new member should
ought to behave, instead of which Russia started right in by giving a
bad check for her initiation fees and first annual dues," Morris said.
"She has also got out of the United States railroad supplies, munitions,
and food, y'understand, and after giving bonds in payment, Abe, she
turns right round and refuses to make good on 'em and at the same time
practically says, 'What are you going to do about it?' and all this is
right on top of Mr. Wilson saying, 'The treatment accorded to Russia by
her sister nations,' y'understand, 'in the months to come,' _verstehst
du mich_, 'will be the acid test of their good-will,' understand me,
'and of their intelligent and unselfish sympathy.'"
"Well, I'll tell you," Abe remarked, "the English which I learned it at
night school, Mawruss, was more or less a popular-price line of
language, and when Mr. Wilson comes across every once in a while with
one of them exclusive models in the way of speeches, using principally
high-grade words in imported designs, understand me, I ain't no more
equipped to handle his stuff than a manufacturer of fly-papers is to
make flying-machines, _but_ as an ignorant business man, Mawruss, which
you would be the last person to admit that I ain't, Mawruss, it seems to
me that the acid test of our good-will is not going to be the way we
treat Russland, but the way Russia treats us; and, in fact, Mawruss,
Russia already poured a little acid on us long before this. But now when
she renigs on her bonds and practically gives us a whole bathful of
acid, Mawruss, for my part the treatment needn't go on for months to
come. I am satisfied with the acid test so far as it's gone _this_
month, Mawruss, because it don't make no difference what kind of acid
you use, Mawruss, a dead beat is a dead beat, understand me, and for a
dead beat nobody has got any sympathy--either intelligent or unselfish,
or unintelligent and selfish. Am I right or wrong, Mawruss?"
"I wouldn't worry my head over that if I was you, Abe," Morris said,
"because, as you said just now, Russland will attend to that number on
the program for herself. But what is troubling me is number one, which
provides that peace shall be made openly, and at the same time does away
with the possibility that some afternoon when you and me gets out of
here, after making up our minds that the war would last for ten years
yet, we would buy a Sporting Extra with Final Wall Street Complete, and
see the whole front page filled up mit the word PEACE in letters a foot
high, understand me, which it has always been in the back of my head
that the next time Colonel House would slip off to Europe no one would
know anything about till the treaty of peace comes back signed 'Woodrow
Wilson, per E.M.H.' But if the first number on the program goes through
as planned, Abe, and we have open covenants of peace openly arrived at,
y'understand, why, then, that will be something else again."
"You bet your life it would be something else again," Abe agreed,
fervently, "and what is more, Mawruss, not only would them covenants of
peace be open, but they would remain open for a long time, because
there's a whole lot of Senators, Congressmen, ex-Senators,
ex-Congressmen, and ex-Presidents which is laying for the opportunity
when peace is proposed, so that they can discuss the peace terms with
one another, openly, frankly, and in the public view, as Mr. Wilson
would say. Yes, Mawruss, there's several political orators in and out of
Congress which has got the word 'traitor' in their system and has got to
get it out again in reference to somebody--preferably a member of the
Cabinet--before peace negotiations is closed, and there is also such
indigestible words like 'pusillanimous,' which gives certain
ex-Presidents a feeling of fullness around the throat, and a couple of
Senators will need time to find out just what the other Senators wants
to do about them peace terms so that they can differ with them; and
looking at it one way and another, Mawruss, if Senator Wadsworth and
Senator McKellar thinks it is taking a long time to get ready for war,
they should wait till we get ready for peace, Mawruss, and if they don't
want to be afterward holding investigations as to why the throat
specialists wasn't mobilized on time, Mawruss, they should start right
in and mobilize the throat specialists, and also it wouldn't do any harm
to find out the available stock of cough-drops is in the hands of the
dealers, so that the lung power of the nation can go forth to holler
for peace equipped to the last menthol lozenge."
"In a way, that ain't no joke, neither, Abe," Morris said. "There is
people that Mr. Wilson didn't include in his war program which is going
to do their utmost to horn in on his peace program at the very best spot
in the bill. Take Mr. Roosevelt, and his friends will no doubt insist
that Mr. Wilson does a supper turn while Mr. Roosevelt goes on
somewheres around nine forty-five, because to-day yet they're talking
about making the Presidency of the United States a coalition affair, in
which Wilson, Roosevelt, and Taft would be equal partners with the same
drawing account and everything."
"And where does Mr. Wilson get off in this coalition business?" Abe
inquired. "Ain't two undivided one-thirds of the Presidency of the
United States for the unexpired portion of his term worth nothing to Mr.
Wilson, even at short rates, Mawruss?"
"Well," Morris replied, "I suppose Roosevelt and Taft would throw in
their experience as Presidents."
"Say!" Abe exclaimed. "There ain't a week goes by nowadays but what Mr.
Wilson gets more experience as President than Taft and Roosevelt did in
both their terms put together, so I don't think you need waste no more
breath about it, Mawruss. When the people last time elected a President
of the United States they chose Mr. Wilson as an individual, not as a
co-partner, and you could take it from me, Mawruss, it don't make no
difference whether it would be a peace program or a war program which
Mr. Wilson is fixing up, the name of the chief performer on it was
settled by the people a year ago last November!"