"An offer is anyhow an offer, even if it is turned down, Mawruss," Abe
Potash said, the day after Germany proposed terms of peace, "which that
time I sold Harris Immerglick them lots in Brownsville, Mawruss, the
first proposition he made me I pretty near threw him down the
freight-elevator shaft, and when we finally closed the deal I couldn't
tell exactly how much I made on them lots--figuring what I paid in taxes
and assessments while I owned 'em, but it must have been, anyhow, five
hundred dollars, Mawruss, from the way Immerglick gives me such a
cutthroat looks whenever he sees me nowadays."
"Everybody ain't so easy as Harris Immerglick," Morris Perlmutter
commented.
"Maybe not," Abe admitted. "But Harris Immerglick didn't want them lots
not nearly as bad as the Kaiser wants peace, Mawruss, so while the
parties to the proposed contract seems to be at present too wide apart
to make a deal likely, Mawruss, at the same time I look to see the
Kaiser offer a few concessions."
"Perhaps you're right, Abe," Morris said, "but while the Kaiser may have
control of enough property so as to throw in a little here and a little
there, y'understand, in the end it will be the boot money which will
count, Abe, and before this deal is closed, Abe, you could bet your life
that not only would the parties of the first part got to give up
Belgium, Servia, Rumania, Poland, and Alsace-Lorraine, but they would
also got to pay billions and billions of dollars in cash or certified
check upon the delivery of the deed and passing of title under the said
contract, and don't you forget it. So if some of them railroad
presidents which is now drawing a hundred thousand a year salary, Abe,
has got any hopes that President Wilson would hold up taking over the
railroads pending negotiations for peace, y'understand, they must be
blessed with sanguinary dispositions, Abe, because it's going to take a
long time yet the Kaiser would concede enough to justify the Allies in
so much as hesitating on even a single pair of soldiers' pants."
"Say, if anybody thinks the government would let go the railroads when
we make peace with Germany, Mawruss, he don't know no more about
railroads as he does about governments," Abe declared, "because this war
which the government has got with the railroads, meat-packers, oil
trusts, and coal-mine owners wouldn't end when we've licked Germany any
more than it begun when Von Tirpitz started his submarine campaign. Yes,
Mawruss, if we wouldn't leave off fighting Germany till it's agreed
that no fellers like Von Tirpitz, Von Buelow, Von Bethmann-Hollweg, and
all them other Vons can use German subjects and German property for
their own personal purposes, why it's a hundred-to-one proposition that
we ain't going to leave off fighting the railroads till it's agreed that
them Von Tirpitzes, Von Buelows, and Von Hindenbergs of the American
railroads couldn't use the transportation business of this country for
stock-gambling purpose as though the railroads was gold and silver
mining prospects somewhere out in Nevada and didn't have a thing to do
with the food and coal supply of the nation."
"Wait a moment," Morris said, "and I'll ask Jake, the shipping-clerk, to
bring you in a button-box. We 'ain't got no soap-boxes."
"That ain't no soap-box stuff, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "If the
government should do the same thing to the meat-packers as they did to
the railroads, Mawruss, the arguments of them soap-box orators wouldn't
have a soap-box to stand on."
"Well, if the government thinks it is necessary in order to carry on the
war, Abe," Morris said, "it will grab the meat business like it has
taken over the railroads, but we've got enough to do to supply our
soldiers with ammunition without we would spend any time stopping the
ammunition of them soap-box fellers."
"Of course I may be wrong, Mawruss," Abe admitted, "but the way I look
at it, the war ain't an excuse for not cleaning up at home. On the
contrary, Mawruss, I think it is an opportunity for cleaning up, and
when I see in the papers where people writes to the editors that the
prohibitionists, the women suffragists, and the union laborers should
ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments when the
country is so busy over the war, I couldn't help thinking that there
must be people over in Germany which is writing to the _Tageszeitung_
and the _Freie Presse_ that the German Social Democrats and Liberals
should ought to be ashamed of themselves for putting up arguments about
the Kaiser giving them popular government when Germany is so busy over
the war. In other words, it's a stand-off, Mawruss, with the exception
that the Kaiser 'ain't made no speeches so far that Germany would never
make peace with America till the millions of American women which 'ain't
got the vote has some say as to how the war should be carried on and
what the terms of peace should be."
"Do you mean to say that women not having the vote puts our government
in the same class with Germany?" Morris demanded.
"I mean to say that the proposition of German men having the vote sounds
just so foolish to the Kaiser as the proposition of American women
having the vote does to this here Eli U. Root," Abe retorted, "and while
there is only one Kaiser in Germany, Mawruss, we've got an awful lot of
Roots in America, so until Congress gives women the vote, Mawruss, the
Kaiser will continue to have an elegant come-back at President Wilson
for that proclamation of his."
"Well, I'll tell you, Abe," Morris said, "I read this here proclamation
of Mr. Wilson's when it was published in the papers, and while I admit
that it didn't leave so big an impression on me as if it would of been a
murder or a divorce case, y'understand, yet as I recollect it, Abe,
there was enough room in it, so that if the German terms of peace was
sufficiently liberal, y'understand, the German popular government
needn't got to be so awful popular but what it could get by, understand
me."
"That's my idee, too," Abe declared, "and while I ain't so keen like
this here Lord Handsdown or Landsdown, or whatever the feller's name is,
that we should jump right in and ask the Kaiser if that's the best he
could do and how long would he give us to think it over, y'understand,
yet you've got to remember that we've all had experiences with fellers
like Harris Immerglick, Mawruss, and if the Allies would go at this
thing in a business-like way, y'understand, it might be a case of going
ahead with our business, which is war, and at the same time keeping an
eye on the brokers in the transaction."
"I don't want to wake you up when you've got such pleasant dreams, Abe,"
Morris interrupted, "but the Allies is going to need all the eyes
they've got during the next year or so, and a few binoculars and
periscopes wouldn't go so bad, neither."
"All right," Abe said, "then don't keep an eye on the brokers, but just
the same we could afford to let the matter rest, because you know what
brokers are, Mawruss: when it comes to putting through a swap, the
principals could be a couple of hard-boiled eggs that would sooner make
a present of their properties to the first-mortgagees than accept the
original terms offered, y'understand, but the brokers never give up
hope."
"What are you talking about--brokers?" Morris exclaimed. "There ain't no
brokers in a peace transaction."
"Ain't there?" Abe retorted. "Well, if this here Czernin ain't the
broker representing Austria and Germany, what is he? I can see the
feller right now, the way he walks into Trotzky & Lenine's office with
one of them real-estater smiles that looks as genwine as a twenty-dollar
fur-lined overcoat.
"'_Wie gehts_, Mr. Trotzky!' he says, like it's some one he used to
every afternoon drink coffee together ten years ago and has been
wondering ever since what's become of him that he 'ain't seen him so
long. Only in this case it happens to be Lenine he's talking to.
"'Mr. Trotzky ain't in. This is his partner, Mr. Lenine,' Lenine says.
"'Not Barnett Lenine used to was November & Lenine in the neckwear
business?' Czernin says.
"'No,' Lenine says, and although Czernin tries to look like he expected
as much, it kind of takes the zip out of him, anyhow.
"'Let's see,' he says, 'this must be Chatskel Lenine, married a daughter
of old man Josephthal and has got a sister living in Toledo, Ohio, by
the name Rifkin. The husband runs a clothing-store corner of Tenth and
Main, ain't it?'
"This time he's got him cornered, and Lenine has to admit it, so Czernin
shakes hands with him and gives him the I.O.M.A. grip, with just a
suggestion of the Knights of Phthias and Free Sons of Courland.
"'My name is Czernin--Sig Czernin,' he says. 'I see you don't remember
me. I met you at the house of a party by the name Linkheimer or Linkman,
I forget which, but the brother, Harris Linkheimer--I remember now, it
_was_ Linkheimer--went to the Saint Louis Exposition and was never heard
of afterward.'
"'My _tzuris_!' Lenine says, but this don't feaze Czernin.
"'You see,' he says, 'I never forget a face.'
"'And you 'ain't got such a bad memory for names, neither,' Lenine tells
him.
"'That ain't neither here nor there,' Czernin says, 'because if your
name would be O'Brien or something Swedish, even, I got here a
proposition, Mr. Lenine, which it's a pleasure to me that I got the
opportunity of offering it to you, and even if I do say so myself,
y'understand, such a gilt-edged proposition like this here ain't in the
market every day.'
"And that's the way Czernin sprung them peace propositions on Lenine &
Trotzky, and it don't make no difference that in this particular
instance it's practically a case of Lenine & Trotzky accepting whatever
proposition the Kaiser wants to put to them, y'understand, when it comes
to dickering with the Allies which can afford to act so independent to
the Kaiser that if Czernin is lucky he won't get thrown down-stairs more
than a couple of times, y'understand. He will come right back with the
names and family histories of a few more common acquaintances and a
couple of more concessions on the part of Germany, time after time,
until it'll begin to look like peace is in sight."
"I wish you was right, Abe," Morris said, "but I think you will find
that this here peace contract will be in charge of the diplomats and not
the real-estaters."
"Well, what's the difference?" Abe asked.
"Probably there ain't any," Morris admitted, "because their methods is
practically the same, which when countries goes to war on account of
treaties they claim the other country broke, y'understand, it's usually
just so much the fault of the diplomats which got 'em to sign the
treaties originally, as when business men get into a lawsuit over a
real-estate contract, it is the fault of the real-estate brokers in the
transaction. So therefore, Abe, unless we want to make a peace treaty
with Germany which would sooner or later end up in another war,
y'understand, the best thing for America to do is to depend for peace
not on brokers _oder_ diplomats, but on airyoplanes and guns with the
right kind of soldiers to work 'em. Furthermore, after we've got the
Germans back of the Rhine will be plenty of time to talk about entering
into peace contracts with the Kaiser, because then there will be nothing
left for the _Rosher_ to dicker about, and all we will have to do in the
way of diplomacy will be to say, 'Sign here,' and he'll sign there."