was what he paid for bribing the United States Congress."
"Well, say!" Morris exclaimed. "The poor feller had to tell 'em
something, didn't he? Here he is coming back from his trip after losing
his whole territory to his firm's competitors, and naturally he tries to
make a good showing with his expense account, which, believe me, Abe, if
I was a rotten salesman like that, before I would face my employer--and
_such_ an employer, because that _Rosher_ 'ain't got them spike-end
mustaches for nothing, Abe--I would first jump in the river, even if my
expense account showed that I had been staying in a-dollar-and-a-half-a-day
American-plan hotels and had sat up nights in the smoker for big jumps
like from Terre Haute to Paducah."
"Can you imagine the way the Kaiser feels?" Abe said. "I suppose at the
start he was keeping so calm that he bit the end off his fountain pen
and started to light the cap, and probably took one or two puffs before
he noticed anything strange about the flavor, because you could easy
make a mistake like that with a German cigar.
"'_Nu_, Bernstorff,' he says, at last, as he looks at the expense
account, 'before we take up the matter of this here eight-foot shelf of
the world's greatest fiction I would like to hear what you got to say
for yourself, so go ahead mit your lies and make it short.'
"'I suppose you got my letters,' Bernstorff begins, 'the ones I sent you
through the Swede.'
"'What Swede?' the Kaiser says.
"'Yon Yonson, the second assistant ambassador,' Bernstorff answers. 'I
told him if he got them letters through for me that you would give him
an order on the Chancellor for a first-class red eagle, but I guess he'd
be satisfied with one of them old-rose eagles, Class Four B, that we
used to have piled up there in the corner of the shipping-room.'
"'I wouldn't even give him an order on Mike, the Popular Berlin Hatter,
for a two-dollar derby, even,' the Kaiser says. '_Chutzpah!_ Writes me
letter after letter with nothing but weather reports in 'em, and he
wants me I should give this here Yonson a red eagle yet which costs me
thirty-two fifty a dozen wholesale. Seemingly to you, Bernstorff, money
is nothing.'
"Here the old man grabs ahold of the expense account again.
"'Honestly, Bernstorff,' he says, 'I don't see how you had the heart to
spend all that money when you know how things are here in Berlin. If me
and my Gussie sits down once a week to such a piece of meat as
_gedampfte Brustdeckel mit Kartoffelpfannkuchen_, y'understand, that's
already a feast for us, and as for chicken, I assure you we 'ain't had
so much as a soup fowl in the house since my birthday a year ago, and
you got the nerve to send me in an expense account like this. Aint it a
shame and a disgrace?
1916, May 1. Bolo $4.00
5. Bolo 6.00
9. Bolo 3.25
and every other day for week after week you spent on Bolo anywheres from
one to fifteen dollars. Tell me, Bernstorff, how could a man make such a
god out of his stomach?'
"'Why, what do you think Bolo is?' Bernstorff asks.
"'I don't _think_ what Bolo is; I _know_ what Bolo is,' the Kaiser tells
him, and a dreamy look comes into his eyes. 'Many a time I seen my poor
_Grossmutter olav hasholom_ make it. She used to chop up ten onions,
five cents' worth parsley, and a big piece _Knoblauch_, add six eggs and
a half a pound melted butter, and let simmer slowly. Now take your
chicken and--'
"'All right, Boss, I wouldn't argue with you,' Bernstorff says, 'because
them amounts represent only the preliminary lunches which I give this
here Bolo. Further down you would see where he gets the real big money,
and then I'll explain.'
"'Well, explain this,' the old man says. 'Here under date July second,
nineteen sixteen, it stand an item: