My rushlight, when first kindled,
Twelve inches long wast thou;
And I behold thee dwindled
To one, my candle, now!
How brief thy span, contrasted
With rushlight's average life!
A happier dip had lasted
A week a happier wife.
Where is my husband got to?
Oh say, expiring light!
A man ought really not to
Stay out so every night.
I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him
To join his tippling lot:
That Bradshaw! I detest him;--
The good-for-nothing sot!
Would that this piece of paper,
Which, ere thy flame expire,
I light from thee, my taper,
Could set that club on fire.
* * * * *
A BLUNDER-BUSS.--Kissing the wrong girl.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR THE MARRIED.--Never dis-pair.
* * * * *
MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins
with a short engagement."
* * * * *
[Illustration: Time--3 A.M.]
_Voice from above._ "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"
_Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory)._ "It's only
about--er--twelve, my dear, I think----"
_The Cuckoo Clock._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
_Brown (grasping situation instantly)._ "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: A WET NURSE]
* * * * *
"LITERA SCRIPTA."--_Wooer._ "Oh, Miss--oh, Lavinia! may I not still
hope?--or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc----"
_Spinster (firmly)._ "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard
it so." _Wooer._ "Then, dearest, may I ask you"--(_producing the
materials from adjacent writing-table_)--"to--ah--put it on papar! I
shall feel safer!"
* * * * *
A "NOISELESS SEWING MACHINE."--A good wife.
* * * * *
PAUCA VERBA.--_Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club)._ "It's
awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" _Brown (in a
whisper)._ "Oh, I shan't say much, you know--'Good morning, dear,' or
something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PLAYING DOWN TO HIM.--_Young couple (who expect the visit
of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are
clearing the room of every sign of luxury._
_Wife (earnestly)._ "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."
_Husband (caustically)._ "Then we had better let the fire out."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Fair Widow._ "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die
I shall be cremated, as my husband was."
_Gallant Captain._ "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful
things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case,
to--er--_cross out the C!_"]
* * * * *
_Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower)._--"Hullo, Tom! That looks a
stiffish bill you've got there!"
_Tom._ "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know
you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would
cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.--Um!"
* * * * *
A WIFE'S VOCATION.--Husbandry.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DECLARATION
"Louisa, you've stolen something."
"Go on!"
"You 'ave."
"You're a----! _What_ 'ave I stole?"
"_My 'eart!_"]
* * * * *