The straggling village looked much the same, the same pigs and turkeys
rooted and strutted, the same stinging turf-smoke came from the doors and
windows (save from one or two cabins unroofed by the Castle tyrant), the
same weeds grew in the potato-patches, the same old men in patched
brogues pulled their caubeens from their heads and their dudeens from
their mouths, as she went past, half-consciously studying the humours for
stage reproduction. It was hard for her to remember she wasn't "the
Quality" in London, or that the Half-and-Half existed simultaneously with
these beloved woods and waters. In only one particular was the village
changed. Golf links had been discovered near it, a club-house had sprung
up and the peasants found themselves enriched by the employment of their
gossoons as caddies. The O'Keeffes were prospering equally--thanks to her
subsidies--although she hadn't yet bought them back their castle. "All's
for the best in the greenest of isles," she told herself, as she sat
basking in family affection.
And yet the wave of melancholia refused to ebb. Indeed, it swelled and
grew blacker. The remedy seemed to intensify the disease; a holiday but
gave her time to possess her soul, and brood upon its stains, her
childhood's scene but enabled her to measure the realities of her
achievement against the visions of girlhood. Life seemed too hopeless,
too absurd. To amuse the gross adult, to instruct the innocent
child--what did it all mean to her own life? She was tired of doing,
she wanted to _be_ something; something for herself. She was always
observing, imitating, caricaturing, but what was _she_? A nothing, a
phantasm, an emptiness.
"Eileen avourneen," said her mother, suddenly. "I wish you were married."
Eileen opened her eyes. "Dear heart, is this another offer from the
castle?" And she laughed gently.
Mrs. O'Keeffe's fingers played uneasily with her bosom's cross. "No, but
I should feel happier about you. It--it settles people."
"It certainly does," Eileen laughed, and her celebrated ditty, "The
Marriage Settlement," flashed upon her. "Oh, dear," and her laugh changed
to a sigh. "The marriages I see around me!"
"What! Isn't Mrs. Lee Carter happy?"
Eileen flushed. "I shouldn't like to be in her shoes," she said
evasively.
"Officers seem to make the best husbands," said Mrs. O'Keeffe.
"Because they are so much away?" queried Eileen, with a vague memory of
her Lieutenant Doherty.
That night the melancholia was heavy as a nightmare, without the partial
unconsciousness of sleep. This blackness must be "the horrors" she had
heard women of her stage-world speak of. She wanted to spring out of bed,
to run to her mother's room. But that would have meant hysteric
confession, so she bit her lips and stuck her nails into the sheet.
Perhaps suicide would be simplest. She was nothing; it would not even be
blowing out a light. No, she _was_ something, she was a retailer of gross
humours, a vile sinner; it might be kindling more than a light, an
eternal flame. "Child of Mary," indeed! She deserved to be strangled with
her white ribbon. And she exaggerated everything with that morbid
mendacity of the confessional.
Two days later she went for a walk along the springy turf of the valley.
The sun shone overhead, but from her spirit the mist had not quite
lifted. Suddenly a small white ball came scudding towards her feet. She
looked round and saw herself amid little flags sticking in the ground.
Distant voices came to her ear.
"This must be the new game that's creeping in from Scotland," she
thought. "Perhaps I ought to have a song ready if ever it catches on. Ah,
here comes one of the young fools--I'll watch him--"
He came, clothed as in a grey skin that showed the beautiful modelling
of his limbs. His face glowed.
"Ouida's Apollo," she thought, but in the very mockery she trembled,
struck as by a lightning shaft. The blackness was sucked up into fire
and light. "Am I in the way?" she said with her most bewitching smile.