SCENE--_A Private Room. Two Eminent Statesmen discovered in
consultation. Lists of past and present Members of Parliament, also
political Maps of England, scattered about._
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ Well, we're agreed about the name, then. It's to be
the "National Radical Conservative Unionist Liberal Party," eh?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (doubtfully)._ Rather long, isn't it? Wouldn't the "Old
England Party"--no connection with DIZZY'S "Young England" ditto--sound
better? And then we're safe to be called "Nationalists," and the word
has such disagreeable associations.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (cheerfully)._ Pooh! What's in a name? I've been
called lots of nasty ones before now.
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Yes, and called them yourself, too, sometimes.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (with gay indifference)._ Now to business. The most
important thing we have to decide is--Who are to be the members of the
New Party?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (confidently)._ Quite so. There'll be a perfect rush to
join us. We shall have to "hold the fort" pretty strongly to prevent our
being swamped. Mind, no weak compliance with what are called "social
influences."
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ No. And no claim for admission founded on mere
relationship to be regarded for a moment.
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Hm! I don't know. Family life, you see, is, after all,
the basis of the State; and so it's only fair that the State should do
something for one's family in return.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (diplomatically)._ All right! Then we'll shelve that
subject. Now, as regards the G. O. M. Suppose he found himself quite out
in the cold, and wanted to join us, eh?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (decidedly)._ Not for a moment. Where would our "Dual
Control" be then?
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ Of course. Shouldn't we let in HARTINGTON? Yes.
Well, how about SALISBURY?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Awkward if SALISBURY thinks of becoming member of New
Party, eh?
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (energetically)._ That's my view entirely. You see,
if SALISBURY joins, he'll want to be Prime Minister, and then where
should I be?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (surprised)._ You! The question rather is, where I
should be?
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (hastily)._ Ah, well; then we'll shelve _that_
subject too for the present. Wouldn't you--er--like--er--to go into the
Lords, and lead _them_?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ You mean, of course, as Premier?
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (modestly)._ I thought--ahem--that _my_ natural
qualifications for that post were so obvious that----but, as I said,
let's drop the subject for a time. We can come back to it again. Now,
what's to be the programme of the Party?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (with emphasis)._ There's no doubt about _that_, I
should think. Free Education, of course. Then JESSE insists on
allotments and free holdings----
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (thoughtlessly)._ Hang JESSE!
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (with considerable dignity)._ Hang him? I intend JESSE
as our first Chancellor of the Exchequer, or President of Board of
Trade, I can tell you.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (gaily)._ All right. I don't mind, if you consent to
WOLFF being next Governor-General of India. Army and Navy Estimates to
be cut down Five Millions, each, eh?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Couldn't think of it. We must have a Fleet of some
sort, you know.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (discontentedly)._ Then _that_ subject will have to
be shelved, too, I suppose. You don't mind, at any rate, a clean sweep
being made of the present Admiralty and Ordnance officials, eh?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (heartily)._ Not a bit. No broom you can use will be too
hard for them. They'll make it a dirty sweep before you've done. Then
there's Local Government, of course.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ Readjustment of Taxation.
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Disestablishm----
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ Eh? what?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (calmly)._ Don't be alarmed. We'll shelve _that_ too, if
you like.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (relieved)._ By all means. (_With growing
uneasiness._) But then, I say, after all, what is our programme? How
does it differ from SALISBURY'S, for instance?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (ingeniously)._ Oh, it's far more really Conservative
than his, you know.
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._ Yes--(_encouraged_)--I see. Of course it is. And
how does it differ from GLADSTONE'S?
_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ GLADSTONE'S? Oh, well--er--it's more _really and truly
Liberal_ than his!
_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (ruminating)._ That _sounds_ all right. The question
is, will the country believe it? And if we have to shelve so many
questions in order to form our new National Party, shan't we run a risk
of being shelved ourselves when the next "wave of progress" sweeps over
the Constituencies? [_Left ruminating._
* * * * *