Produced by Marlo Dianne
THE DODGE CLUB, OR, ITALY IN MDCCCLIX.
by
James De Mille
Author of "Cord and Creese; or, the Brandon Mystery," etc., etc
With One Hundred Illustrations
New York:
Harper & Brothers Publishers,
Franklin Square
1872.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
PARIS.--THE DODGE CLUB.--HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH.--HOW TO RAISE A CROWD.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick!--Here I Invite My Friends.--The Club.--The Place
Vendôme.--Keep It Buttons!
CHAPTER II.
ORLEANS.--HOW TO QUELL A LANDLORD.--HOW TO FIGHT OFF HUMBUGS; AND HOW
TO TRAVEL WITHOUT BAGGAGE.
ILLUSTRATIONS. That's A Hotel Bill.--Cicero Against Verres.
--Sac-r-r-r-ré.
CHAPTER III.
THE RHONE IN A RAIN.--THE MAD FRENCHMAN.--SUICIDE A CAPITAL
CRIME IN FRANCE.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Number 729.--Horror! Despair!
CHAPTER IV.
MARSEILLES.
CHAPTER V.
THE RETIRED ORGAN-GRINDER.--THE SENATOR PHILOSOPHIZES.--EVILS OF NOT
HAVING A PASSPORT.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Those Italians.--Genoa, The Superb.
CHAPTER VI.
LAZARONI AND MACARONI.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Their Noble Excellencies.--Lazaroni And Macaroni.
CHAPTER VII.
DOLORES.--AN ITALIAN MAID LEARNS ENGLISH.--A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE.--A
MASQUERADE, AND WHAT BEFELL THE SENATOR.--A CHARMING DOMINO.--A
MOONLIGHT WALK, AND AN ASTOUNDING DISCOVERY.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Yankee Doodle.--I Kiss Hands.--The Young Hussar.--A
Perplexed Senator.--Exit Senator.
CHAPTER VIII.
ADVENTURES AND MISADVENTURES.--A WET GROTTO AND A BOILING LAKE.--THE
TWO FAIR SPANIARDS, AND THE DONKEY RIDE.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Darn it!--Don't.--Thump!--A Trying Moment.--Senator
And Donkey.
CHAPTER IX.
A DRIVE INTO THE COUNTRY.--A FIGHT WITH A VETTURINO.--THE EFFECT OF
EATING "HARD BOILED EGGS."--WHAT THEY SAW AT PAESTUM.--FIVE TEMPLES
AND ONE "MILL."
ILLUSTRATIONS. Do You See That?--The Mill At Paestum.
CHAPTER X.
ON THE WATER, WHERE BUTTONS SEES A LOST IDEA AND GIVES CHASE TO IT,
TOGETHER WITH THE HEART-SICKENING RESULTS THEREOF.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Spaniards.--A Thousand Pardons!
CHAPTER XI.
THE SENATOR HAS SUCH A FANCY FOR SEEKING USEFUL INFORMATION!--CURIOUS
POSITION OF A WISE, AND WELL-KNOWN, AND DESERVEDLY-POPULAR LEGISLATOR,
AND UNDIGNIFIED MODE OF HIS ESCAPE.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Senator.
CHAPTER XII.
HERCULANEUM AND POMPEII, AND ALL THAT THE SIGHT OF THOSE FAMOUS PLACES
PRODUCED ON THE MINDS OF THE DODGE CLUB.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Villa Of Diomedes.--Phew!--A Street In Pompeii.
CHAPTER XIII.
VESUVIUS.--WONDERFUL ASCENT OF THE CONE.--WONDERFUL DESCENT INTO THE
CRATER.--AND MOST WONDERFUL DISAPPEARANCE OF MR. FIGGS, AFTER WHOM
ALL HIS FRIENDS GO, WITH THEIR LIVES IN THEIR HANDS.--GREAT SENSATION
AMONG SPECTATORS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Ascent Of Vesuvius.--The Descent Of Vesuvius.
-Where's Figgs?--Mr Figgs.--The Ladies.
CHAPTER XIV.
MAGNIFICENT ATTITUDE OF THE SENATOR; BRILLIANCY OF BUTTONS; AND PLUCK
OF THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE CLUB: BY ALL OF WHICH THE GREATEST EFFECTS
ARE PRODUCED.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Bandits Captured.--Sold.
CHAPTER XV.
DOLORES ONCE MORE.--A PLEASANT CONVERSATION.--BUTTONS LEARNS MORE OF
HIS YOUNG FRIEND.--AFFECTING FAREWELL.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Two Piastres!--The Brave Soldier.
CHAPTER XVI.
DICK RELATES A FAMILY LEGEND.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Buying A Whale.--The Long-Lost Son.
CHAPTER XVII.
NIGHT ON THE ROAD.--THE CLUB ASLEEP.--THEY ENTER ROME.--THOUGHTS ON
APPROACHING AND ENTERING "THE ETERNAL CITY."
ILLUSTRATIONS. To Rome.
CHAPTER XVIII.
A LETTER BY DICK, AND CRITICISMS OF HIS FRIENDS.
CHAPTER XIX.
ST. PETER'S!--THE TRAGIC STORY OF THE FAT MAN IN THE BALL.--HOW
ANOTHER TRAGEDY NEARLY HAPPENED.--THE WOES OF MEINHERR SCHATT.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Gracious Me!
CHAPTER XX.
THE GLORY, GRANDEUR, BEAUTY, AND INFINITE VARIETY OF THE PINCIAN
HILL; NARRATED AND DETAILED NOT COLUMNARILY BUT EXHAUSTIVELY,
AND AFTER THE MANNER OF RABELAIS.
CHAPTER XXI.
HARMONY ON THE PINCIAN HILL.--MUSIC HATH CHARMS.--AMERICAN MELODIES.
--THE GLORY, THE POWER, AND THE BEAUTY OF YANKEE DOODLE, AND THE
MERCENARY SOUL OF AN ITALIAN ORGAN-GRINDER.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Old Virginny.
CHAPTER XXII.
HOW A BARGAIN IS MADE.--THE WILES OF THE ITALIAN TRADESMAN.--THE NAKED
SULKY BEGGAR, AND THE JOVIAL WELL-CLAD BEGGAR.--WHO IS THE KING OF
BEGGARS?
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Shrug.
CHAPTER XXIII.
THE MANIFOLD LIFE OF THE CAFÉ NUOVO, AND HOW THEY RECEIVED THE NEWS
ABOUT MAGENTA.--EXCITEMENT.--ENTHUSIASM.--TEARS.--EMBRACES.
ILLUSTRATIONS. News Of Magenta!
CHAPTER XXIV.
CHECKMATE!
ILLUSTRATIONS. Before And After.
CHAPTER XXV.
BUTTONS A MAN OF ONE IDEA.--DICK AND HIS MEASURING TAPE.--DARK EYES.
--SUSCEPTIBLE HEART.--YOUNG MAIDEN WHO LIVES OUT OF TOWN.--GRAND
COLLISION OF TWO ABSTRACTED LOVERS IN THE PUBLIC STREETS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Away!--Pepita.
CHAPTER XXVI.
CONSEQUENCES OF BEING GALLANT IN ITALY, WHERE THERE ARE LOVERS,
HUSBANDS, BROTHERS, FATHERS, COUSINS, AND INNUMERABLE OTHER RELATIVES
AND CONNECTIONS, ALL READY WITH THE STILETTO.
ILLUSTRATIONS. An Interruption.
CHAPTER XXVII.
DICK ON THE SICK LIST.--RAPTURE OF BUTTONS AT MAKING AN IMPORTANT
DISCOVERY.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Poor Dick!
CHAPTER XXVIII.
WHAT KIND OF A LETTER THE SENATOR WROTE FOR THE "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT,"
WHICH SHOWS A TRITE, LIBERAL, UNBIASED, PLAIN, UNVARNISHED VIEW OF
ROME.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Sketches By A Friend.
CHAPTER XXIX.
THE LONELY ONE AND HIS COMFORTER.--THE TRUE MEDICINE FOR A SICK MAN.
CHAPTER XXX.
OCCUPATIONS AND PEREGRINATIONS OF BUTTONS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Buttons and Murray.
CHAPTER XXXI.
BUTTONS ACTS THE GOOD SAMARITAN, AND LITERALLY UNEARTHS A MOST
UNEXPECTED VICTIM OF AN ATROCIOUS ROBBERY.--GR-R-R-A-CIOUS ME!
CHAPTER XXXII.
ANOTHER DISCOVERY MADE BY BUTTONS.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
[Transcriber's Note: Transliteration of Greek.] Brekekek koax koax
koax. [TN: /end Greek.]
ILLUSTRATIONS. Brekekekek koax koax!
CHAPTER XXXIV.
THE SENATOR PURSUES HIS INVESTIGATIONS.--AN INTELLIGENT ROMAN
TOUCHES A CHORD IN THE SENATOR'S HEART THAT VIBRATES.--RESULTS OF
THE VIBRATION.--A VISIT FROM THE ROMAN POLICE; AND THE GREAT RACE
DOWN THE CORSO BETWEEN THE SENATOR AND A ROMAN SPY.--GLEE OF THE
POPULACE!--HI! HI!
ILLUSTRATIONS. Got You There!--Walking Spanish.
CHAPTER XXXV.
DICK MAKES ANOTHER EFFORT, AND BEGINS TO FEEL ENCOURAGED.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick Thinks It Over. The Senator In A Bad Fix.--The
Senator In A Worse Fix.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
_ROME_.--_ANCIENT HISTORY_.--THE PREHISTORIC ERA.--CRITICAL
EXAMINATION OF NIEBUHR AND HIS SCHOOL.--THE EARLY HISTORY OF ROME
PLACED ON A RIGHT BASIS.--EXPLANATION OF HISTORY OF REPUBLIC.
--NAPOLEON'S "CAESAR."--THE IMPERIAL REGIME.--THE NORTHERN
BARBARIANS.--RISE OF THE PAPACY.--MEDIAEVAL ROME.
_TOPOGRAPHY_.--TRUE ADJUSTMENT OF BOUNDS OF ANCIENT CITY.--ITS
PROBABLE POPULATION.--_GEOLOGY_.--EXAMINATION OF FORMATION.--TUFA
TRAVERTINE.--ROMAN CEMENT.--TERRA-COTTA. _SPECIAL CONSIDERATION OF
ROMAN CATACOMBS_.--BOSIO.--ARRINGHI.--CARDINAL WISEMAN.--RECENT
EXPLORATIONS, INVESTIGATIONS, EXAMINATIONS, EXHUMATIONS, AND
RESUSCITATIONS.--EARLY CHRISTIAN HISTORY SET ON A TRUE BASIS.
--RELICS.--MARTYRS.--REAL ORIGIN OF CATACOMBS.--TRUE AND RELIABLE
EXTENT (WITH MAPS).
_REMARKS ON ART_.--THE RENAISSANCE.--THE EARLY PAINTERS: CIMABUE,
GIOTTO, PERUGINO, RAFAELLE SANZIO, MICHELANGELO BUONAROTTI.--THE
TRANSFIGURATION.--THE MOSES OF MICHELANGELO.--BELLINI.--SAINT
PETER'S, AND MORE PARTICULARLY THE COLONNADE.--THE LAST JUDGMENT.
--DANTE.--THE MEDIAEVAL SPIRIT.--EFFECT OF GOTHIC ART ON ITALY AND
ITALIAN TASTE.--COMPARISON, OF LOMBARD WITH SICILIAN CHURCHES.--TO
WHAT EXTENT ROME INFLUENCED THIS DEVELOPMENT.--THE FOSTERING SPIRIT
OF THE CHURCH.--ALL MODERN ART CHRISTIAN.--WHY THIS WAS A NECESSITY.
--FOLLIES OF MODERN CRITICS.--REYNOLDS AND RUSKIN.--HOW FAR POPULAR
TASTE IS WORTH ANY THING.--CONCLUDING REMARKS OF A MISCELLANEOUS
DESCRIPTION.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
ITALIAN TRAVEL, ROADS, INNS.--A GRAND BREAKDOWN.--AN ARMY OF
BEGGARS.--SIX MEN HUNTING UP A CARRIAGE WHEEL; AND PLANS OF THE
SENATOR FOR THE GOOD OF ITALY.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Travelling In Italy.--The Senator's Escort.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
TRIUMPHANT PROGRESS OF DICK.--GENDARMES FOILED.--THE DODGE CLUB
IS ATTACKED BY BRIGANDS, AND EVERY MAN OF IT COVERS HIMSELF WITH
GLORY.--SCREAM OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE!
ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick In His Glory.--Pietro.--The Barricade.
CHAPTER XL.
PLEASANT MEDIATIONS ABOUT THE WONDERS OF TOBACCO; AND THREE PLEASANT
ANECDOTES BY AN ITALIAN BRIGAND.
CHAPTER XLI.
FINAL ATTACK OF REINFORCEMENTS OF BRIGANDS.--THE DODGE CLUB DEFIES
THEM AND REPELS THEM.--HOW TO MAKE A BARRICADE.--FRATERNIZATION OF
AMERICAN EAGLE AND GALLIC COCK.--THERE'S NOTHING LIKE LEATHER.
ILLUSTRATIONS. An International Affair.
CHAPTER XLII.
FLORENCE.--DESPERATION OF BUTTONS, OF MR. FIGGS, AND OF THE DOCTOR.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Florence From San Miniato.--Pitti Palace.--Fountain Of
Neptune, Palazzo Vecchio.--The Duomo.--The Campanile.--Trozzi Palace.
--Buttons Melancholy.
CHAPTER XLIII.
THE SENATOR ENTRAPPED.--THE WILES AND WITCHERY OF A QUEEN OF SOCIETY.
--HIS FATE DESTINED TO BE, AS HE THINKS, ITALIAN COUNTESSES.
--SENTIMENTAL CONVERSATION.--POETRY.--BEAUTY.--MOONLIGHT.--RAPTURE.
--DISTRACTION.--BLISS!
ILLUSTRATIONS. La Cica.
CHAPTER XLIV.
"MORERE DIAGORA, NON ENIM IN COELUM ADSCENSURUS ES."--THE APOTHEOSIS
OF THE SENATOR (NOTHING LESS--IT WAS A MOMENT IN WHICH A MAN MIGHT
WISH TO DIE--THOUGH, OF COURSE, THE SENATOR DIDN'T DIE).
ILLUSTRATIONS. Solferino!--The Senator Speaks.
CHAPTER XLV.
THE PRIVATE OPINION OF THE DOCTOR ABOUT FOREIGN TRAVEL.--BUTTONS
STILL MEETS WITH AFFLICTIONS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. A Grease Spot.--Farewell, Figgs!
CHAPTER XLVI.
A MEMORABLE DRIVE.--NIGHT.--THE BRIGANDS ONCE MORE.--GARIBALDI'S
NAME.--THE FIRE.--THE IRON BAR.--THE MAN FROM THE GRANITE STATE
AND HIS TWO BOYS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. In The Coach.--A Free Fight.--Don't Speak.
CHAPTER XLVII.
BAD BRUISES, BUT GOOD MUSES.--THE HONORABLE SCABS OF DICK.--A
KNOWLEDGE OF BONES.
CHAPTER XLVIII.
SUFFERING AND SENTIMENT AT BOLOGNA.--MOONSHINE.--BEST BALM FOR WOUNDS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Used Up.
CHAPTER XLIX.
CROSSING INTO THE ENEMY'S COUNTRY.--CONSTERNATION OF THE CUSTOM-HOUSE
OFFICERS.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Buttons In Bliss.
CHAPTER L.
VENICE AND ITS PECULIAR GLORY.--THE DODGE CLUB COME TO GRIEF AT LAST.
--UP A TREE.--IN A NET, ETC.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Dick's Luggage.--Arrested.--Silence!
CHAPTER LI.
THE AMERICAN EAGLE AND THE AUSTRIAN DOUBLE-HEADED DITTO.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Don't Try It On With Me.
CHAPTER LII.
THE SENATOR STILL ENGAGED IN FACING DOWN THE AUSTRIAN.--THE AMERICAN
CONSUL.--UNEXPECTED RE-APPEARANCE OF FORGOTTEN THINGS.--COLLAPSE OF
THE COURT.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Watts Mis-spelled.
CHAPTER LIII.
A MYSTERIOUS FLIGHT.--DESPAIR OF BUTTONS.--PURSUIT.--HISTORIC GROUND,
AND HISTORIC CITIES.
ILLUSTRATIONS. Formalities.
CHAPTER LIV.
DICK MEETS AN OLD FRIEND.--THE EMOTIONAL NATURE OF THE ITALIAN.
--THE SENATOR OVERCOME AND DUMBFOUNDED.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Count Ugo.
CHAPTER LV.
IN WHICH BUTTONS WRITES A LETTER; AND IN WHICH THE CLUB LOSES AN
IMPORTANT MEMBER.--SMALL BY DEGREES AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS.
CHAPTER LVI.
THE FAITHFUL ONE!--DARTS, DISTRACTION, LOVE'S VOWS, OVERPOWERING
SCENE AT THE MEETING OF TWO FOND ONES.--COMPLETE BREAK-DOWN OF THE
HISTORIAN.
ILLUSTRATIONS. The Door.
CHAPTER LVII.
THE DODGE CLUB IN PARIS ONCE MORE.--BUTTONS'S "JOLLY GOOD HEALTH."
ILLUSTRATIONS. He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
[Illustration: Dick!]
CHAPTER I.
PARIS.--THE DODGE CLUB.--HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH.--HOW TO RAISE A CROWD.
It is a glorious day in Paris. The whole city is out in the public
places, watching the departure of the army of Italy. Every imaginable
uniform, on foot and on horseback, enlivens the scene. Zouaves are
everywhere. Cent Gardes hurry to and fro, looking ferocious. Imperial
Gardes look magnificent. Innumerable little red-legged soldiers of the
line dance about, gesticulating vehemently. Grisettes hang about the
necks of departing braves. A great many tears are shed, and a great
deal of bombast uttered. For the invincible soldiers of France are off
to fight for an idea; and doesn't every one of them carry a marshal's
baton in his knapsack?
A troop of Cent Gardes comes thundering down in a cloud of dust,
dashing the people right and left. Loud cheers arise: "Vive
l'Empereur!" The hoarse voices of myriads prolong the yell. It is Louis
Napoleon. He touches his hat gracefully to the crowd.
A chasseur leaps into a cab.
"Where shall I take you?"
"To Glory!" shouts the soldier.
The crowd applaud. The cabman drives off and don't want any further
direction. Here a big-bearded Zouave kisses his big-bearded brother in
a blouse.
"Adieu, mon frère; write me."
"Where shall I write?"
"Direct to Vienna--_poste restante_."
Every body laughs at every thing, and the crowd are quite wild at
this.
A young man is perched upon a pillar near the garden wall of the
Tuileries. He enjoys the scene immensely. After a while he takes a
clay pipe from his pocket and slowly fills it. Having completed this
business he draws a match along the stone and is just about lighting
his pipe.
"Halloo!"
Down drops the lighted match on the neck of an _ouvrier_. It burns.
The man scowls up; but seeing the cause, smiles and waves his hand
forgivingly.
"Dick!"
At this a young man in the midst of the crowd stops and looks around.
He is a short young man, in whose face there is a strange mixture of
innocence and shrewdness. He is pulling a baby-carriage, containing a
small specimen of French nationality, and behind him walks a majestic
female.
The young man Dick takes a quick survey and recognizes the person who
has called him. Down drops the pole of the carriage, and, to the
horror of the majestic female, he darts off, and, springing up the
pillar, grasps first the foot and then the hand of his friend.
"Buttons!" he cried; "what, you! you here in Paris!"
"I believe I am."
"Why, when did you come?"
"About a month ago."
"I had no idea of it. I didn't know you were here."
"And I didn't know that you were. I thought by this time that you were
in Italy. What has kept you here so long?"
Dick looked confused.
"Why the fact is, I am studying German."
"German! in Paris! French, you mean."
"No, German."
"You're crazy; who with?"
Dick nodded his head toward his late companion.
"What, that woman? How she is scowling at us!"
"Is she?" said Dick, with some trepidation.
"Yes. But don't look. Have you been with her all the time?"
"Yes, seven months."
"Studying German!" cried Buttons, with a laugh. "Who is she?"
"Madame Bang."
[Illustration: Here I Invite My Friends.]
"Bang? Well, Madame Bang must look out for another lodger. You must
come with me, young man. You need a guardian. It's well that I came in
time to rescue you. Let's be off!"
And the two youths descended and were soon lost in the crowd.
***
"Three flights of steps are bad enough; but great Heavens! what do you
mean by taking a fellow up to the eighth story?"
Such was the exclamation of Dick as he fell exhausted into a seat in a
little room at the top of one of the tallest houses in Paris.
"Economy, my dear boy."
"Ehem!"
"Paris is overflowing, and I could get no other place without paying
an enormous price. Now I am trying to husband my means."
"I should think so."
"I sleep here--"
"And have plenty of bedfellows."
"I eat here--"
"The powers of the human stomach are astounding."
"And here I invite my friends."
"Friends only. I should think. Nothing but the truest friendship could
make a man hold out in such an ascent."
"But come. What are your plans?"
"I have none."
"Then you must league yourself with me."
"I shall be delighted."
"And I'm going to Italy."
"Then I'm afraid our league is already at an end."
"Why?"
"I haven't money enough."
"How much have you?"
"Only five hundred dollars; I've spent all the rest of my allowance."
"Five hundred? Why, man, I have only four hundred."
"What! and you're going to Italy?"
"Certainly."
"Then I'll go too and run the risk. But is this the style?" and Dick
looked dolefully around.
"By no means--not always. But you must practice economy."
"Have you any acquaintances?"
"Yes, two. We three have formed ourselves into a society for the
purpose of going to Italy. We call ourselves the Dodge Club."
"The Dodge Club?"
"Yes. Because our principle is to dodge all humbugs and swindles,
which make travelling so expensive generally. We have gained much
experience already, and hope to gain more. One of my friends is a
doctor from Philadelphia, Doctor Snakeroot, and the other is
Senator Jones from Massachusetts. Neither the Doctor nor the Senator
understands a word of any language but the American. That is the
reason why I became acquainted with them.
"First as to the Doctor, I picked him up at Dunkirk. It was in a café.
I was getting my modest breakfast when I saw him come in. He sat down
and boldly asked for coffee. After the usual delay the garçon brought
him a small cup filled with what looked like ink. On the waiter was a
cup of _eau de vie_, and a little plate containing several enormous
lumps of loaf-sugar. Never shall I forget the Doctor's face of
amazement. He looked at each article in succession. What was the ink
for? what the brandy? what the sugar? He did not know that the two
first when mixed makes the best drink in the world, and that the last
is intended for the pocket of the guest by force of a custom dear to
every Frenchman. To make a long story short, I explained to him the
mysteries of French coffee, and we became sworn friends.
"My meeting with the Senator was under slightly different
circumstances. It was early in the morning. It was chilly. I was
walking briskly out of town. Suddenly I turned a corner and came upon
a crowd. They surrounded a tall man. He was an American, and appeared
to be insane. First he made gestures like a man hewing or chopping.
Then he drew his hand across his throat. Then he staggered forward and
pretended to fall. Then he groaned heavily. After which he raised
himself up and looked at the crowd with an air of mild inquiry. They
did not laugh. They did not even smile. They listened respectfully,
for they knew that the strange gentleman wished to express something.
On the whole, I think if I hadn't come up that the Senator would have
been arrested by a stiff gendarme who was just then coming along the
street. As it was, I arrived just in time to learn that he was anxious
to see the French mode of killing cattle, and was trying to find his way
to the abattoirs. The Senator is a fine man, but eminently practical. He
used to think the French language an accomplishment only. He has
changed his mind since his arrival here. He has one little
peculiarity, and that is, to bawl broken English at the top of his
voice when he wants to communicate with foreigners."
[Illustration: The Club.]
Not long afterward the Dodge Club received a new member in the person
of Mr. Dick Whiffletree. The introduction took place in a modest café,
where a dinner of six courses was supplied for the ridiculous sum of
one franc--soup, a roast, a fry, a bake, a fish, a pie, bread at
discretion, and a glass of vinegar generously thrown in.
At one end of the table sat the Senator, a very large and muscular
man, with iron-gray hair, and features that were very strongly marked
and very strongly American. He appeared to be about fifty years of
age. At the other sat the Doctor, a slender young man in black. On
one side sat Buttons, and opposite to him was Dick.
"Buttons," said the Senator, "were you out yesterday?"
"I was."
"It was a powerful crowd."
"Rather large."
"It was immense. I never before had any idea of the population of
Paris. New York isn't to be compared to it."
"As to crowds, that is nothing uncommon in Paris. Set a rat loose in
the Champs Elysées, and I bet ten thousand people will be after it in
five minutes."
"Sho!"
"Any thing will raise a crowd in Paris."
"It will be a small one, then."
"My dear Senator, in an hour from this I'll engage myself to raise as
large a crowd as the one you saw yesterday."
"My dear Buttons, you look like it."
"Will you bet?"
"Bet? Are you in earnest?"
"Never more so."
"But there is an immense crowd outside already."
"Then let the scene of my trial be in a less crowded place--the Place
Vendôme, for instance."
"Name the conditions."
"In an hour from this I engage to fill the Place Vendôme with people.
Whoever fails forfeits a dinner to the Club."
The eyes of Dick and the Doctor sparkled.
"Done!" said the Senator.
"All that you have to do," said Buttons, "is to go to the top of the
Colonne Vendôme and wave your hat three times when you want me to
begin."
"I'll do that. But it's wrong," said the Senator. "It's taking money
from you. You must lose."
"Oh, don't be alarmed," said Buttons, cheerfully.
The Dodge Club left for the Place Vendôme, and the Senator, separating
himself from his companions, began the ascent. Buttons left his
friends at a corner to see the result, and walked quickly down a
neighboring street.
[Illustration: The Place Vendôme.]
Dick noticed that every one whom he met stopped, stared, and then
walked quickly forward, looking up at the column. These people
accosted others, who did the same. In a few minutes many hundreds of
people were looking up and exchanging glances with one another.
In a short time Buttons had completed the circuit of the block, and
re-entered the Place by another street. He was running at a quick
pace, and, at a moderate calculation, about two thousand _gamins de
Paris_ ran before, beside, and behind him. Gens d'armes caught the
excitement, and rushed frantically about. Soldiers called to one
another, and tore across the square gesticulating and shouting.
Carriages stopped; the occupants stared up at the column; horsemen
drew up their rearing horses; dogs barked; children screamed; up
flew a thousand windows, out of which five thousand heads were thrust.
At the end of twenty minutes, after a very laborious journey, the
Senator reached the top of the column. He looked down. A cry of
amazement burst from him. The immense Place Vendôme was crammed with
human beings. Innumerable upturned faces were staring at the startled
Senator. All around, the lofty houses sent all their inmates to the
open window, through which they looked up. The very house-tops were
crowded. Away down all the streets which led to the Place crowds of
human beings poured along.
"Well," muttered the Senator, "it's evident that Buttons understands
these Frenchmen. However, I must perform my part, so here goes."
And the Senator, majestically removing his hat, waved it slowly around
his head seven times. At the seventh whirl his fingers slipped, and a
great gust of wind caught the hat and blew it far out into the air.
It fell.
A deep groan of horror burst forth from the multitude, so deep, so
long, so terrible that the Senator turned pale.
A hundred thousand heads upturned; two hundred thousand arms waved
furiously in the air. The tide of new-comers flowing up the other
streets filled the Place to overflowing; and the vast host of people
swayed to and fro, agitated by a thousand passions. All this was the
work of but a short time.
"Come," said the Senator, "this is getting beyond a joke."
There was a sudden movement among the people at the foot of the
column. The Senator leaned over to see what it was.
At once a great cry came up, like the thunder of a cataract,
warningly, imperiously, terribly. The Senator drew back confounded.
Suddenly he advanced again. He shook his head deprecatingly, and waved
his arms as if to disclaim any evil motives which they might impute to
him. But they did not comprehend him. Scores of stiff gens d'armes,
hundreds of little soldiers, stopped in their rush to the foot of the
column to shake their fists and scream at him.
"Now if I only understood their doosid lingo," thought the Senator.
"But"--after a pause--"it wouldn't be of no account up here. And what
an awkward fix," he added, "for the father of a family to stand
hatless on the top of a pillory like this! Sho!"
There came a deep rumble from the hollow stairway beneath him, which
grew nearer and louder every moment.
"Somebody's coming," said the Senator. "Wa'al, I'm glad. Misery loves
company. Perhaps I can purchase a hat."
In five minutes more the heads of twenty gens d'armes shot up through
the opening in the top of the pillar, one after another, and reminded
the Senator of the "Jump-up-Johnnies" in children's toys. Six of them
seized him and made him prisoner.
The indignant Senator remonstrated, and informed them that he was an
American citizen.
His remark made no impression. They did not understand English.
The Senator's wrath made his hair fairly bristle. He contented
himself, however, with drawing up the programme of an immediate war
between France and the Great Republic.
It took an hour for the column to get emptied. It was choked with
people rushing up. Seven gentlemen fainted, and three escaped with
badly sprained limbs. During this time the Senator remained in the
custody of his captors.
At last the column was cleared.
The prisoner was taken down and placed in a cab. He saw the dense crowd
and heard the mighty murmurs of the people.
He was driven away for an immense distance. It seemed miles.
At last the black walls of a huge edifice rose before him. The cab
drove under a dark archway. The Senator thought of the dungeons of the
Inquisition, and other Old World horrors of which he had heard in his
boyhood.
***
So the Senator had to give the dinner. The Club enjoyed it amazingly.
Almost at the moment of his entrance Buttons had arrived, arm in arm
with the American minister, whose representations and explanations
procured the Senator's release.
"I wouldn't have minded it so much," said the Senator, from whose
manly bosom the last trace of vexation had fled, "if it hadn't been
for that darned policeman that collared me first. What a Providence
it was that I didn't knock him down! Who do you think he was?"
"Who?"
"The very man that was going to arrest me the other day when I was
trying to find my way to the slaughter-house. That man is my evil
genius. I will leave Paris before another day."
"The loss of your hat completed my plans," said Buttons. "Was that
done on purpose? Did you throw it down for the sake of saying 'Take
my hat?'"
"No. It was the wind," said the Senator, innocently. "But how did you
manage to raise the crowd? You haven't told us that yet."
"How? In the simplest way possible. I told every soul I met that a
crazy man was going up the Colonne Vendôme to throw himself down."
A light burst in upon the Senator's soul. He raised his new hat from a
chair, and placing it before Buttons, said fervently and with unction:
"Keep it, Buttons!"
[Illustration: Keep It Buttons!]
[Illustration: That's A Hotel Bill.]