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TALES
FROM
"BLACKWOOD"
Contents of this Volume.
_How I Stood for the Dreepdaily Burghs. By Professor Aytoun_
_First and Last. By William Mudford_
_The Duke's Dilemma.--A Chronicle of Niesenstein_
_The Old Gentleman's Teetotum._
_"Woe to us when we lose the Watery Wall."_
_My College Friends.--Charles Russell, the Gentleman-Commoner_
_The Magic Lay of the One-Horse Chay. By the late John Hughes, A.M._
WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS
EDINBURGH AND LONDON
TALES FROM "BLACKWOOD."
HOW I STOOD FOR THE DREEPDAILY BURGHS.
BY PROFESSOR AYTOUN.
[_MAGA._ SEPTEMBER 1847.]
CHAPTER I.
"My dear Dunshunner," said my friend Robert M'Corkindale as he entered
my apartments one fine morning in June last, "do you happen to have seen
the share-list? Things are looking in Liverpool as black as thunder. The
bullion is all going out of the country, and the banks are refusing to
discount."
Bob M'Corkindale might very safely have kept his information to himself.
I was, to say the truth, most painfully aware of the facts which he
unfeelingly obtruded upon my notice. Six weeks before, in the full
confidence that the panic was subsiding, I had recklessly invested my
whole capital in the shares of a certain railway company, which for the
present shall be nameless; and each successive circular from my broker
conveyed the doleful intelligence that the stock was going down to
Erebus. Under these circumstances I certainly felt very far from being
comfortable. I could not sell out except at a ruinous loss; and I could
not well afford to hold on for any length of time, unless there was a
reasonable prospect of a speedy amendment of the market. Let me confess
it--I had of late come out rather too strong. When a man has made money
easily, he is somewhat prone to launch into expense, and to presume too
largely upon his credit. I had been idiot enough to make my _debut_ in
the sporting world--had started a couple of horses upon the verdant turf
of Paisley--and, as a matter of course, was remorselessly sold by my
advisers. These and some other minor amusements had preyed deleteriously
upon my purse. In fact, I had not the ready; and as every tradesman
throughout Glasgow was quaking in his shoes at the panic, and
inconveniently eager to realise, I began to feel the reverse of
comfortable, and was shy of showing myself in Buchanan Street.
Severaldocuments of a suspicious appearance--owing to the beastly
practice of wafering, which is still adhered to by a certain class
of correspondents--were lying upon my table at the moment when Bob
entered. I could see that the villain comprehended their nature at a
glance; but there was no use in attempting to mystify him. The Political
Economist was, as I was well aware, in very much the same predicament as
myself.
"To tell you the truth, M'Corkindale, I have not opened a share-list for
a week. The faces of some of our friends are quite long enough to serve
as a tolerable exponent of the market; and I saw Grabbie pass about five
minutes ago with a yard of misery in his visage. But what's the news?"
"Everything that is bad! Total stoppage expected in a week, and the
mills already put upon short time."
"You don't say so!"
"It is a fact. Dunshunner, this infernal tampering with the currency
will be the ruin of every mother's son of us!"--and here Bob, in a fit
of indignant enthusiasm, commenced a vivid harangue upon the principles
of contraction and expansion, bullion, the metallic standard, and the
Bank reserves, which no doubt was extremely sound, but which I shall not
recapitulate to the reader.
"That's all very well, Bob," said I--"very good in theory, but we should
confine ourselves at present to practice. The main question seems to me
to be this: How are we to get out of our present fix? I presume you are
not at present afflicted with a remarkable plethora of cash?"
"Every farthing I have in the world is locked up in a falling line."
"Any debts?"
"Not many; but quite enough to make me meditate a temporary retirement
to Boulogne!"
"I believe you are better off than I am. I not only owe money, but am
terribly bothered about some bills."
"That's awkward. Would it not be advisable to bolt?"
"I don't think so. You used to tell me, Bob, that credit was the next
best thing to capital. Now, I don't despair of redeeming my capital yet,
if I can only keep up my credit."
"Right, undoubtedly, as you generally are. Do you know, Dunshunner, you
deserve credit for your notions on political economy. But how is that to
be done? Everybody is realising; the banks won't discount; and when your
bills become due, they will be, to a dead certainty, protested."
"Well--and what then?"
"_Squalor carceris_, et cetera."
"Hum--an unpleasant alternative, certainly. Come, Bob! put your wits to
work. You used to be a capital hand for devices, and there must be some
way or other of steering clear. Time is all we want."
"Ay, to be sure--time is the great thing. It would be very unpleasant to
look out on the world through a grating during the summer months!"
"I perspire at the bare idea!"
"Not a soul in town--all your friends away in the Highlands boating, or
fishing, or shooting grouse--and you pent up in a stifling apartment of
eight feet square, with nobody to talk to save the turnkey, and no
prospect from the window except a deserted gooseberry stall!"
"O Bob, don't talk in that way! You make me perfectly miserable."
"And all this for a ministerial currency crotchet? 'Pon my soul, it's
too bad! I wish those fellows in Parliament----"
"Well? Go on."
"By Jove! I've an idea at last!"
"You don't say so! My dear Bob--out with it!"
"Dunshunner, are you a man of pluck?"
"I should think I am."
"And ready to go the whole hog, if required?"
"The entire animal."
"Then I'll tell you what it is--the elections will be on
immediately--and, by St Andrew, we'll put you up for Parliament!"
"Me!"
"You. Why not? There are hundreds of men there quite as hard up, and not
half so clever as yourself."
"And what good would that do me?"
"Don't you see? You need not care a farthing about your debts then, for
the personal liberty of a member of the House of Commons is sacred. You
can fire away right and left at the currency; and who knows, if you
play your cards well, but you may get a comfortable place?"
"Well, you _are_ a genius, Bob! But then, what sort of principles should
I profess?"
"That is a matter which requires consideration. What are your own
feelings on the subject?"
"Perfect indifference. I am pledged to no party, and am free to exercise
my independent judgment."
"Of course, of course! We shall take care to stick all that into the
address; but you must positively come forward with some kind of tangible
political views. The currency will do for one point, but as to the
others I see a difficulty."
"Suppose I were to start as a Peelite?"
"Something may be said in favour of that view; but, on the whole, I
should rather say not. That party may not look up for some little time,
and then the currency is a stumbling block in the way. No, Dunshunner, I
do not think, upon my honour, that it would be wise for you to commit
yourself in that quarter at the present moment."
"If it were possible, I should like to join the Conservatives. They must
come uppermost soon, for they are men of pluck and ability. What do you
say to that? It is an advantage to act with gentlemen."
"True; but at the same time, I see many objections. In a year or two
these may disappear; but the press is at present against them, and I
should like you to start with popularity on your side."
"Radical, then? What do you think of Annual Parliaments, Universal
Suffrage, Vote by Ballot, and separation of Church and State?"
"I am clear against that. These views are not popular with the electors,
and even the mob would entertain a strong suspicion that you were
humbugging them."
"What, then, on earth, am I to do?"
"I will tell you. Come out as a pure and transparent Whig. In the
present position of parties, it is at least a safe course to pursue, and
it is always the readiest step to the possession of the loaves and the
fishes."
"Bob, I don't like the Whigs!"
"No more do I. They are a bad lot; but they are _in_, and that is
everything. Yes, Augustus," continued Bob solemnly, "there is nothing
else for it. You must start as a pure Whig, upon the Revolution
principles of sixteen hundred and eighty-eight."
"It would be a great relief to my mind, Bob, if you would tell me what
those principles really are?"
"I have not the remotest idea; but we have plenty time to look them up."
"Then, I suppose I must swallow the Dutchman and the Massacre of
Glencoe?"
"Yes, and the Darien business into the bargain. These are the
principles of your party, and of course you are bound to subscribe."
"Well! you know best; but I'd rather do anything else."
"Pooh! never fear; you and Whiggery will agree remarkably well. That
matter, then, we may consider as settled. The next point to be thought
of is the constituency."
"Ay, to be sure! what place am I to start for? I have got no interest,
and if I had any, there are no nomination burghs in Scotland."
"Aren't there? That's all you know, my fine fellow! Hark ye, Dunshunner,
more than half of the Scottish burghs are at this moment held by
nominees!"
"You amaze me, Bob! The thing is impossible! The Reform Bill, that great
charter of our liberties----"
"Bravo! There spoke the Whig! The Reform Bill, you think, put an end to
nomination? It did nothing of the kind; it merely transferred it. Did
you ever hear of such things as CLIQUES?"
"I have. But they are tremendously unpopular."
"Nevertheless, they hold the returning power. There is a Clique in
almost every town throughout Scotland, which leads the electors as
quietly, but as surely, as the blind man is conducted by his dog. These
are modelled on the true Venetian principles of secresy and terrorism.
They control the whole constituency, put in the member, and in return
monopolise the whole patronage of the place. If you have the Clique with
you, you are almost sure of your election; if not, except in the larger
towns, you have not a shadow of success. Now, what I want to impress
upon you is this, that wherever you go, be sure that you communicate
with the Clique."
"But how am I to find it out?"
"That is not always an easy matter, for nobody will acknowledge that he
belongs to it. However, the thing is not impossible, and we shall
certainly make the experiment. Come, then, I suppose you agree with me,
that it is hopeless to attempt the larger towns?"
"Clearly: so far as I see, they are all provided already with
candidates."
"And you may add, Cliques, Dunshunner. Well, then, let us search among
the smaller places. What would you think of a dash at the Stirling
District of Burghs?"
"Why, there are at least half-a-dozen candidates in the field."
"True, that would naturally lessen your chance. Depend upon it, some one
of them has already found the key to the Clique. But there's the
Dreepdaily District with nobody standing for it, except the Honourable
Paul Pozzlethwaite; and I question whether he knows himself the nature
or the texture of his politics. Really, Dunshunner, that's the very
place for you; and if we look sharp after it, I bet the long odds that
you will carry it in a canter."
"Do you really think so?"
"I do indeed; and the sooner you start the better. Let me see. I know
Provost Binkie of Dreepdaily. He is a Railway bird, was an original
Glenmutchkin shareholder, and fortunately sold out at a premium. He is a
capital man to begin with, and I think will be favourable to you:
besides, Dreepdaily is an old Whig burgh. I am not so sure of
Kittleweem. It is a shade more respectable than Dreepdaily, and has
always been rather Conservative. The third burgh, Drouthielaw, is a nest
of Radicalism; but I think it may be won over, if we open the
public-houses."
"But, about expenses, Bob--won't it be a serious matter?"
"Why, you must lay your account with spending some five or six hundred
pounds upon the nail; and I advise you to sell stock to that amount at
least. The remainder, should it cost you more, can stand over."
"Bob, five or six hundred pounds is a very serious sum!"
"Granted--but then look at the honour and the immunity you will enjoy.
Recollect that yours is an awkward predicament. If you don't get into
Parliament, I see nothing for it but a stoppage."
"That's true enough. Well--hang it, then, I will start!"
"There's a brave fellow! I should not in the least wonder to see you in
the Cabinet yet. The sooner you set about preparing your address the
better."
"What! without seeing Provost Binkie?"
"To be sure. What is the use of wading when you can plunge at once into
deep water? Besides, let me tell you that you are a great deal more
likely to get credit when it is understood that you are an actual
candidate."
"There is something in that too. But I say, Bob--you really must help me
with the address. I am a bad hand at these things, and shall never be
able to tickle up the electors without your assistance."
"I'll do all I can. Just ring for a little brandy and water, and we'll
set to work. I make no doubt that, between us, we can polish off a
plausible placard."
Two hours afterwards, I forwarded, through the post-office, a missive,
addressed to the editor of the _Dreepdaily Patriot_, with the following
document enclosed. I am rather proud of it, as a manifesto of my
political principles:--
"TO THE ELECTORS OF THE UNITED DISTRICT OF BURGHS OF DREEPDAILY,
DROUTHIELAW, AND KITTLEWEEM.
"GENTLEMEN,--I am induced, by a requisition, to which are appended
the signatures of a large majority of your influential and
patriotic body, to offer myself as a candidate for the high honour
of your representation in the ensuing session of Parliament. Had I
consulted my own inclination, I should have preferred the leisure
of retirement and the pursuit of those studies so congenial to my
taste, to the more stormy and agitating arena of politics. But a
deep sense of public duty compels me to respond to your call.
"My views upon most subjects are so well known to many of you, that
a lengthened explanation of them would probably be superfluous.
Still, however, it may be right and proper for me to explain
generally what they are.
"My principles are based upon the great and glorious Revolution
settlement of 1688, which, by abolishing, or at least superseding,
hereditary right, intrusted the guardianship of the Crown to an
enlightened oligarchy, for the protection of an unparticipating
people. That oligarchy is now most ably represented by her
Majesty's present Ministers, to whom, unhesitatingly and
uncompromisingly, except upon a very few matters, I give in my
adhesion so long as they shall continue in office.
"Opposed to faction and an enemy to misrule, I am yet friendly to
many changes of a sweeping and organic character. Without relaxing
the ties which at present bind together Church and State in
harmonious coalition and union, I would gradually confiscate the
revenues of the one for the increasing necessities of the other. I
never would become a party to an attack upon the House of Peers, so
long as it remains subservient to the will of the Commons; nor
would I alter or extend the franchise, except from cause shown, and
the declared and universal wish of the non-electors.
"I highly approve of the policy which has been pursued towards
Ireland, and of further concessions to a deep-rooted system of
agitation. I approve of increased endowments to that much-neglected
country; and I applaud that generosity which relieves it from all
participation in the common burdens of the State. Such a line of
policy cannot fail to elevate the moral tone, and to develop the
internal resources of Ireland; and I never wish to see the day when
the Scotsman and the Irishman may, in so far as taxation is
concerned, be placed upon an equal footing. It appears to me a
highly equitable adjustment that the savings of the first should be
appropriated for the wants of the second.
"I am in favour of the centralising system, which, by drafting
away the wealth and talent of the provinces, must augment the
importance of London. I am strongly opposed to the maintenance of
any local or Scottish institutions, which can merely serve to
foster a spirit of decayed nationality; and I am of opinion that
all boards and offices should be transferred to England, with the
exception of those connected with the Dreepdaily district, which it
is the bounden duty of the legislature to protect and preserve.
"I am a friend to the spread of education, but hostile to any
system by means of which religion, especially Protestantism, may be
taught.
"I am a supporter of free trade in all its branches. I cannot see
any reason for the protection of native industry, and am ready to
support any fundamental measure by means of which articles of
foreign manufacture may be brought to compete in the home market
with our own, without restriction and without reciprocity. It has
always appeared to me that our imports are of far greater
importance than our exports. I think that any lowering of price
which may be the result of such a commercial policy, will be more
than adequately compensated by a coercive measure which shall
compel the artisan to augment the period of his labour. I am
against any short hours' bill, and am of opinion that infant labour
should be stringently and universally enforced.
"With regard to the currency, I feel that I may safely leave that
matter in the hands of her Majesty's present Ministers, who have
never shown any indisposition to oppose themselves to the popular
wish.
"These, gentlemen, are my sentiments; and I think that, upon
consideration, you will find them such as may entitle me to your
cordial support. I need not say how highly I shall value the trust,
or how zealously I shall endeavour to promote your local interests.
These, probably, can be best advanced by a cautious regard to my
own.
"On any other topics I shall be happy to give you the fullest and
most satisfactory explanation. I shall merely add, as a summary of
my opinions, that while ready on the one hand to coerce labour, so
as to stimulate internal industry to the utmost, and to add largely
to the amount of our population; I am, upon the other, a friend to
the liberty of the subject, and to the promotion of such genial and
sanatory measures as suit the tendency of our enlightened age, the
diffusion of universal philanthropy, and the spread of popular
opinion. I remain, GENTLEMEN, with the deepest respect, your very
obedient and humble servant,
"AUGUSTUS REGINALD DUNSHUNNER.
"ST MIRREN'S HOUSE,
"_June 1847._"
The editor of the _Dreepdaily Patriot_, wisely considering that this
advertisement was the mere prelude to many more, was kind enough to
dedicate a leading article to an exposition of my past services. I am
not a vain man; so that I shall not here reprint the panegyric passed
upon myself, or the ovation which my friend foresaw. Indeed, I am so far
from vain, that I really began to think, while perusing the columns of
the _Patriot_, that I had somewhat foolishly shut my eyes hitherto to
the greatness of that talent, and the brilliancy of those parts which
were now proclaimed to the world. Yes! it was quite clear that I had
hitherto been concealing my candle under a bushel--that I was cut out by
nature for a legislator--and that I was the very man for the Dreepdaily
electors. Under this conviction, I started upon my canvass, munimented
with letters of introduction from M'Corkindale, who, much against his
inclination, was compelled to remain at home.