Modern Celebrities are seated on rows of chairs, chattering, flirting,
and discussing Insomnia and the New Criticism. Behind the scenes the
Ghosts are disputing as to which shall recite first, the order of
precedence depending entirely on the question as to which is the most
completely defunct. Finally_, ERNEST MALTRAVERS _and_ TOM JONES _go on
together, and the Curtain goes up_.
_Ernest Maltravers_ (_musingly, in a low yet ringing voice, in which
Pride struggles with Emotion_). Let us learn, from yon dinner-table,
o'er which brooded the spirits of the Novelists of all time, to lift
ourselves on the wings of Romanticism back to Bombastic and Primeval
Prose. (_Breaks off suddenly. Aside, to_ TOM JONES.) I cannot go on
like this. We ought to have had a _scenario_.
_Tom Jones_ (_suppressing laughter, aside_). Why, thou foolish
scoundrel, is there not one in front? How else could be seated there
so many fair ladies and gallant gentlemen?
_Ernest Maltravers_ (_aside_). In the contemplation of your idiocy, I
curb with difficulty the impulse that leads me to crush the life from
your bosom. Know, Ignorant One, that a _scenario_ is not the same
thing as an auditorium.
[TOM JONES _is about to attack him with fine old English
violence, when the curtain suddenly falls. The entertainment
is interrupted. The audience appear at once amused and
shocked._ DORIAN_ takes out his little vinaigrette exquisitely
set with turquoises, cymophanes, amethysts, and tourmalines,
and offers it to the_ Subaltern, _who, evidently unaware of
its use, pockets it._
_Subaltern._ You got that out of a cracker, didn't you? I'll take it
Home. For the kids.
[_The entr'acte is growing so prolonged that the_ Secretary
_goes behind the scenes to know the cause of the delay. He
finds all confusion. The party has been increased by the
presence of_ Mr. STEAD'S Spook JULIA, _who, having half an
hour to spare, has come to protest against the "indignity"
as she calls it, of fine old crusted Ghosts being expected to
perform to a lot of mere modern myths. She speaks with such
eloquence that she persuades them, one and all, to leave
without finishing their performance and entirely without
ceremony. Nothing the_ Secretary _can say has any effect, and
they all vanish, leaving "not a wrack behind," except, a slate
pencil JULIA has dropped in her excitement_.
_Sir Lyon_ (_after hearing the news_). Shameful! Never again will I
have a Ghost in this house. This is what comes of treating them as
equals! I'll--I'll--I'll write to the Psychical Society!
[_Scene closes as all the guests crowd round him and ask him
to drink the health of Modern Fiction and--The New Year._
* * * * *
MAY AND DECEMBER.
[Brighton is now represented by two of the youngest members in the
House.... Mr. GLADSTONE intends to spend Christmas at Brighton.]
Just now, when the weather seems May in December,
They've sent up from Brighton another young member,
Two juvenile gentlemen sit for the town,
Their ages united just two-thirds would be
Of that of the statesman who often goes down
To seek renewed youth by the murmuring sea--
Mr. G.
Two Tories--meek May fighting sturdy December
Their foe is an old hand these lads should remember.
They'll probably sit most judiciously dumb,
Or only object like the murmuring sea.
To the House, sent from Brighton, the youngest have come;
From the House, down at Brighton, the oldest will be--
Mr. G.
* * * * *
A SEASONABLE VADE MECUM.
(_By Ker Mudgeon, Senior._)
_Question._ What is the most satisfactory motto for Christmas?
_Answer._ That it "comes but once a year."
_Q._ Then it is as well to take a gloomy view of the season?
_A._ That is the only reasonable aspect in the face of a pile of
"Christmas bills."
_Q._ What are Christmas cards?
_A._ Advertisements of existence sent to enemies as well as friends.
_Q._ What is a plum pudding?
_A._ Indigestion in the concrete.
_Q._ And a mince pie?
_A._ An excuse for a glass of brandy or a glass of any other equally
potent liquid.
_Q._ Does old-fashioned English Christmas fare benefit anyone?
_A._ Yes; doctors and chemists.
_Q._ Why does an elderly person go the pantomime?
_A._ Because he likes it just as much as a schoolboy.
_Q._ What reason does he give for his visits to Drury Lane, the
Lyceum, or the Crystal Palace?
_A._ That he visits those places of entertainment for the sake of the
children.
_Q._ But if he is an old bachelor?
_A._ He declares that he likes to see the delight of other people's
children.
_Q._ What is the _spécialité_ of a Christmas family party?
_A._ Row all round.
_Q._ What are the regulation wishes of Yule-tide?
_A._ A Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year.
_Q._ And the probable result?
_A._ The attainment of neither.
* * * * *
CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FINAL ORDERS.
_Keeper (to Boy out for his first day's driving)._ "MIND AND SPREAD
YERSELF OUT!"]
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
"Sir," said a wisely deferential friend of the Baron's, approaching
the Baronial arm-chair wherein sat His Super-Excellency regaling
himself in truly Regal-Cole-ian fashion, "Sir, I present to your
notice a book entitled _In Search of a Climate_." "With such a title,"
quoth the Baron, in poetic humour, "it should have been dedicated
to His Grace of Canterbury. Would not this distich well favour the
title-page? Listen:--
"'In Search of a Climate,' | From CHARLES B. NOTTAGE,
This to the Primate! | Who lives in a cottage."
"W. A.," or "The Wisely Appreciative," went into wisely appreciative
ecstasies. "Baron," he presently resumed, "you will be graciously
pleased to read it." "I will recline on my sofa," returned the
Baron, "and, in that position, do my level best." So saying, His
Super-Excellency suited the action to the word, and, waving his hand
in token that he was not to be disturbed for the space of some forty
winks or more, he bent his head in silent study o'er the somewhat
bulky volume. "One of the most interesting and instructive chapters in
this excellently elaborated book of reference," said the Baron, some
time afterwards--"a book full of 'wise saws and modern instances'--is
that headed 'Religion and Rum,' whence it appears that, whatever
form of worship the Natives from time to time might adopt, it always
included the cult of spirits in some form or other. The title of this
chapter," observed the Baron, judicially, "instead of 'Religion
and Rum,' should rather have been 'Rum Religions, or Spirituous
Influences.' Towards the close of the book the author still seems to
be _In Search of a Climate_. But what sort of a climate does he seek?
One to suit everybody? Why, like the distinguished individual who was
'terribly disappointed with the Atlantic,' there are people, quoted
as testimony above proof by Mr. NOTTAGE, of the Cottage, who were
'all terribly disappointed with the climate of Santa Barbara and Los
Angeles.' Well, then," quoth the Baron, "try Margate and Ramsgate."
The book, attractively got up, is published by the firm whose name
always recalls to the Baron's verse-atile mind that delightful poem
set to dulcet music yclept "_Soft and Low, Soft and Low_," only that
the names are SAMP-SON Low, Low & Co., which, set to the same strain,
will "do as well." "And," quoth the Baron, suddenly inspired, "what a
series of songs for Publishers and Bookbinders might be written! For
example, _'My Mother bids me bind my books!' 'I am inter-leaving
thee in sorrow.' Cum multis aliis suggestionibus!_ But this is
_délassement_. Let our toast be, 'Our noble Shelves!'--'our noble
Book-shelves!'" explains the Baron, gaily; and so back to the Brown
Study where, as Baron BROWN BEARD, he disposes of the various heads
in his department, and signs himself, THE JUST AND GENEROUS BARON DE
BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
MRS. RAM says no wonder people are blown out at Christmas, as they do
fill themselves with so many "combustibles."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE."
(_A Meeting of the Church of England Temperance Society. The Vote of
Thanks to the Chairman_.)
"AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME POINT OUT TO YOU, IN THESE DAYS
WHERE THE ACTIVITY OF THE CHURCH IS SO OFTEN CALLED INTO QUESTION,
THAT OUR REVERED DIOCESAN COULD NEVER BE CALLED AN '_ORNAMENTAL
BISHOP'_!"]
* * * * *
"THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT."
(_Passages from a Political "Christmas Carol" of the Period
descriptive of a slumbering Stateman's Yule-Tide Dream._)
Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously sonorous snore, and sitting up
on what seemed to be a nightmare-like blend of the Treasury Bench and
his own bed, to get his thoughts together, SADSTONE (like _Scrooge_)
had no occasion to be told that Big Ben was again upon the stroke of
Twelve.
Now, being prepared for almost anything--from J-SS-E C-LL-NGS to
a Vote of Censure--he was not by any means prepared for Nothing!
Consequently, when the bell boomed its twelfth stroke, and nothing
appeared, or happened--not even a nightmare in the shape of T-MMY
B-WL-S, or a Motion for Adjournment--he was taken with a fit of the
shivers.
At last he began to think that the source and centre of the ghostly
light which seemed to gleam on him from nowhere in particular, might
be in the adjoining room, his own private Downing Street _sanctum_.
Thence indeed, on further tracing it, it seemed to shine. This idea
taking full possession of his mind, he got up softly, and shuffled in
his slippers to the door.
The moment SADSTONE'S hand was on the lock, a strange voice called him
by his name, and bade him enter. He obeyed.
It was his own room. There was no doubt about that. But it had
undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were
so hung with shamrock green and shillelagh branches that it looked
a perfect Grove of Blarney. A lurid blaze, like a blue-tongued
snapdragon flare, went hissing up the chimney, revealing in weird
glimpses on the heated hearth and chimney tiles spectral figures of
impish design and menacing gesture. Heaped up on the floor, to form a
kind of throne, were Blue Books, abortive Bills, scrolls on which
were inscribed endless questions and unnumbered amendments; bundles of
party papers and political pamphlets; pallid sucking-pigs that seemed
to demand rather opportune interment than human digestion; long
wreaths of sausage-like shackles; resurrection pies of indigestible
crust and full of offal scraps and tainted "block ornaments";
pudding-shaped bombs; barrels of explosives and fulminants; red hot
(political) "chestnuts" of the most hackneyed partisan sort; Dead-Sea
apples of the dustiest kind, savouring of sand and strife; fiery
looking Ulster oranges; belated (parliamentary) pairs, and seething
bowls of raw and vitriolic party spirit, that made the chamber dim,
dank, and malodorous with their heady steam. In uneasy state upon this
extraordinary conglomerate couch or throne, there sat an ogreish giant
of pantomimic size and bogeyishly menacing expression, portentous to
see; who bore a smokily-flaring torch, in shape not unlike an Anarch's
beacon or Fury's bale-fire, and held it up, high up, to shed its lurid
light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round the door.
"Come in!" exclaimed the Ghoul-Ghost. "Come in, and know me better,
(G. O.) Man!"
SADSTONE entered timidly, and hung his head before the Spirit. He was
hardly the dogged SADSTONE he had been, and the Spirit's eyes were so
glowering and ungenial, he did not like to meet them.
"I am the Spirit of Christmas Present," said the apparition. "Look
upon me!"
SADSTONE sorrowfully did so. It was clothed in one simple
emerald-green robe or mantle, bordered with buff fur of the dull
tint dear to the old Scotch Whig. This garment hung so loosely on
the figure that its capacious breast was bare, as if disdaining to
be warded or concealed by any artifice. On its head it wore no other
covering than a wreath of shamrock, set here and there with a thistle.
Its dull black curls were long and elf-like and weird; weird as its
frowning face, its staring eye, its clenched hand, its raucous voice,
its despotic demeanour, and its gloomy air. Girded round its middle
was an antique scabbard, holding a huge two-handed sword; the
blade, ready to leap from its sheath, seemed a most unsuitable and
unseasonable adjunct to what mankind has been wont to regard as the
gentle and genial Spirit of Peace and Goodwill.
"You have never seen the like of _Me_ before!" exclaimed the Spirit.
"_Ne-e-ver!_" SADSTONE made answer to it, in accents stammering
somewhat, yet most emphatic.
[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
(_Suggested by John Leech's Picture._)
"COME IN, AND KNOW ME BETTER, (G. O.) MAN!"]
* * * * *
DISTORTED MERCY.
[Illustration: IT] _is New Year's Eve. In a comfortable arm-chair
by the fire sits the_ Metropolitan Magistrate. _He smiles in
self-complacency. He speaks:--_
This year I have most faithfully fulfilled my duty; the spirit of
sweet leniency has marked my every sentence--at least toward the more
flagitious and inhuman offender. Thus have I, in place of punishing,
won over to more virtuous ways; so may I doze the cheerful,
self-admiring doze of virtue.
[_He dozes. Gathering from the comfortable reflections of the
fire and lamp thrown from the polished furniture, a radiant
form shapes itself at his elbow. The_ Magistrate _smiles in
his sleep, in great content_.
_The Metropolitan Magistrate._ Who art thou, visitant?
_The Form._ I am the Spirit of thy Leniency. I come to show thee
how fair and flattering a result thy milder sentences--to wit, those
passed upon the more outrageous culprits--have yielded. See! (_Waves
a wand._) This is he who came before thy judgment seat for--after
repeated warning--selling milk from premises teeming with scarlet
fever. Thou didst say, "_It is the grossest, and most shocking case
of brutal disregard for human life I ever heard!_" and thereupon didst
fine him half-a-crown--the minimum penalty.
_M. Mag._ (_with affectionate interest_). And since? How farest now,
thou naughty one?
_Milk Criminal._ O most blessed Magistrate and sweet Your Worship, I
fare most happily; for, most comfortably encouraged by your gracious
leniency, I did redouble--nay, multiply an hundred times--mine efforts
to disseminate disease; so that I may, without undue boasting, claim
to be father of an epidemic that felled its hundreds. And further, in
the doing of this I have heaped up a most goodly pile of gold. Give me
your blessing, most sympathetic Your Worship!
_M. Mag._ (_recoiling_). Nay; mine intentions looked not toward so
dire result! I cannot bless----
_The Spirit._ How, good Stipendiary? Dost thou now disown me, thine
own Spirit? Thou must surely bless thy _protégé_, him who but carries
out thy methods to their logical result! And see, I summon others of
thy choice; this good butcher who hath sent unwholesome meat to
London to feed the poor. Thou didst say of him, "_A most inhuman,
ill-conditioned knave and rascal; a constructive homicide! I will not
imprison him, but fine him seven shillings._" And again, see this good
rough who kicked a constable nearly to death; thou saidst of him, "_A
miscreant unfit to live. A savage worse than any tiger! One shilling
fine._" Then finding he could not pay without foregoing his accustomed
gin, thy heart relented, and thou didst discharge him. Then again,
here have we this fair hawker who kicked his donkey's legs and so
belaboured him with cudgels that he left no bone unbroken; thou
saidst of him, "_An act more horrible and sickening could scarce be
perpetrated by a fiend!_" Then, with a gentle caution, thou didst set
him free.
_M. Mag._ But tell me, prithee, what the outcome was of these my
leniences. Did results not justify----?
_The Butcher._ Oh, yes, indeed, in my case! Taking courage, seeing
that justice was so linked with mercy, I did extend most energetically
my little venture in unwholesome meat, and now am rich, and have been
made a lord.
_The Rough._ And since your clemency, O sweet your Worship, I've
kicked to death some dozens of assorted victims--policemen, girls, and
infants.
_The Hawker._ And I----
_M. Mag._ (_writhing_). Oh, peace, and spare me! Get ye gone!
_The Criminals._ What? This is passing strange! You will not bless the
work yourself have fostered?
_M. Mag._ (_tearing his hair_). _I_ fostered? _I_, the gentle
magistrate, the soul of clemency----?
_The Spirit._ Come, bless thy chosen clients!
[_With a shriek the_ Metropolitan Magistrate _awakes from
his doze. He is haggard; his eye is bloodshot with horror. He
speaks, shuddering:--_
What are these hideous crimes that I have done, mistaking them for
mercy? How unworthy am I to touch so sweet an attribute, distorting
and most basely turning it from its appointed course! There chime the
bells. Let them proclaim how, in the coming year they usher in, I
will essay to win this fair, sweet attribute entrusted to me, and so
misshapen by my cruelties, back to her rightful form! I will begin by
showing mercy unto Mercy's self.
* * * * *
A STUDY IN BROWN.
I've caught you, hazel-eyed brunette, day-dreaming, chin on hand!
Don't think, now, that my stolen sketch is bold and contraband!
Nay, rather, 'tis the _duty_ that's imposed on ev'ry beauty,
To grant that with respectful glance her profile may be scanned.
To picture such a wealth of brown would VANDYCK'S self delight;
Brown eyes I see, and waving hair, brown as a summer night.
_I_ cannot do you justice, but this thumb-nail sketch, I trust, is
A deep brown-study rendered into simple black and white.
In reverie reflective, has your wayward fancy strayed,
It may be, to last summer's tryst in some wild English glade,
Or old-world forest-garden, where, like _Rosalind_ in Arden,
Your troth you plighted, or, love-lorn, outmourned the Nut-brown Maid?
[Illustration]
You're wand'ring in Mahatma-land, and counting astral sheep?
And gathering wool that never grew, a Brownie-led _Bo-peep_,
Or, possibly, pursuant of an Ego playing truant.
And lost amid the labyrinth of dim hypnotic sleep?
For all I know, you're musing in this meditative trance
On modern and sublunar joys, as dinner, dress, and dance!
Or is it _toothache_ merely that--well, makes you stare so queerly?
(Somehow I ne'er _can_ draw the line 'twixt bathos and romance!)
If thus I seem inquisitive, don't kill me with a frown!
Though times are hard, in vulgar phrase, I'll plank my money down!
Your train of thought to share (if you'll accept a penny-tariff),
I tender, with my compliments, the coin that's called a "brown"!
* * * * *
PRODIGIOUS!
TO MR. PUNCH,--Sir,--I appeal to you. Ought scientific papers to be
allowed to publish incitements to bloodshed and anarchy? I have just
read in one an enthusiastic commendation of "an agitator working at
280 revolutions per minute." This agitator is, it appears, closely
connected with an "annihilator." It is true that the annihilator is a
smoke-annihilator, and the agitator is part of its machinery; but who
knows what influence may be exerted upon weak minds at such a time as
this by the use of these awful terms? Is the Home Secretary asleep?
Yours,
A PATRIOT.
* * * * *
MYSTERIOUS.--In _Sala's Journal_ for December 13 the advertisement of
the Christmas Number announces that "arrangements have been made for
publishing the Portraits of the Contributors at the commencement of
their respective articles. This, it is believed, will prove a very
interesting feature." No doubt. But _which_ "feature," and _whose_
"feature," and to which contributor will "the very interesting
feature" in the portrait belong? They cannot surely have only one
feature among them! Among the special contributors, each of course
with distinctive features, are Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, Mr. SUTHERLAND
EDWARDS, Mr. ARTHUR À BECKETT, and Mr. DAVENPORT ADAMS. Excellent
company each, with most interesting features. But which feature is to
be taken as representing the lot? "Nose?" Well, there's point in that.
"Cheek?" Ahem! Will it be "All their eye?" Evidently the only way
of satisfying curiosity is to purchase a copy of _S. J.'s_ Christmas
Number.
* * * * *
SEASONABLE RIDDLE.--When does a turkey look a goose?--When quite by
himself he has to face a party of twenty-four.
* * * * *
[Illustration: INHUMAN.
_Sportsman_ (_who has caught Brown's mare_). "NOW THEN! THIS WAY OUT,
SIR, THIS WAY OUT!" _Brown_ (_who has already swallowed about a quart
of mud and water_). "B--B--BUT IT'S DEEP!" _Sportsman_ (_impatient_).
"CONFOUND IT, MAN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FETCH A BOAT?"]
CHRISTMAS HAMPERS.
_For the Czar._--Alliances--French and Triple.
_For the Kaiser._--"The Great Revenge."
_For the King of Italy._--The Military Estimates.
_For the King of Greece._--The Adjustment of the National Revenue.
_For the President of the French Republic._--The Legacy of CARNOT the
First.
_For the President of the United States._--Protected Free Trade.
_For the Sultan._--The Khedive.
_For the Khedive._--The Sultan.
_For the Premier._--His followers.
_For the Foreign Secretary._--His colleagues.
_For the Chancellor of the Exchequer._--The coming Budget.
_For the Home Secretary._--Trafalgar Square.
_For the Colonial Secretary._--South Africa.
_For the Postmaster-General._--Cards for Christmas and the New Year.
_For the War Office._--The Admiralty.
_For the Admiralty._--The War Office.
_For the Theatre-Managers._--The Clerk of the Weather.
_For the Music-Hall Proprietors._--The London County Council.
_For the London Public._--The Paving Contractors.
_For the Bar._--The Solicitors.
_For the Solicitors._--Reluctant Litigants.
_For the Stockbrokers._--The State of the City.
_For the Poor._--The Condition of the Money Market.
_And for the World in general and Britons in particular._--The
Influenza.
* * * * *
THE KISS THAT COSTS.
[A fair plaintiff, who brought a breach of promise action
worth under ordinary circumstances at least £1000, had to be
content with £100 because she had in the meantime been kissed
by a new suitor.]
The gorse is out in kissing time,
And that is always--so the saw.
But know from henceforth (and this rhyme)
This does not follow in the Law.
For she, who, jilted by her swain,
Brings him to Court, and braves the laughter,
Must--if she longs for gold--refrain
From kissing Number Two--till after!
* * * * *
A Little Girl's Christmas Story.
Polly! | Folly!
Holly! | (Gobbles!)
Jolly! | Colly
Dolly! | (Wobbles!)
* * * * *
OUR BARTERERS.--SIDEBOARD.--I have a magnificent-looking article, made
of unseasoned deal, coloured to resemble walnut. As great care has
been taken to imitate a really first-class piece of furniture by a
good maker, it is hoped that the fact that the wood is certain to
split and warp, that the drawers jam, that the keyholes are dummies,
and that the whole is a piece of cunning shoddy, will escape the
attention of the average purchasing idiot. What offers?
* * * * *
TO PICKWICKIAN STUDENTS.--Of what class of persons is it recorded in
_Pickwick_ that "their looks are not prepossessing and their manners
are peculiar"?
* * * * *
THE CRY OF THE CIVIC TURTLE.
'Twas the voice of the Turtle, I heard him complain,
"You would wake me! Be off!! Let me slumber again!
Your 'Royal Commission on Unification'
Be ----!" something that seemed to convey commination.
"_I_ shan't 'tender evidence'--hang it, not I!--
Why I, as a separate body, should die!
I've power, prosperity, plumpness, and pelf;
If you want an 'Amalgam'--why, mix it yourself!"
* * * * *
Feminine Saturnalia.
[Miss KLUMPKE has just achieved a great triumph with a learned
treatise on the Rings of Saturn.]
Oh! maiden, learned, wise, you can
To froward woman prove a pattern,
You pay your due respect to Man
By writing up the Rings--of Saturn!
* * * * *
NEW PRANDIAL PROVERBS.--What's underdone can't be helped. A bird in a
pie is worth two in a dish. Apollinaris (or any other) water in time
saves wine. The early guest gets it hot. It is never too late to dine.
* * * * *
A TRUTH IN SEASON.--What would Christmas be without the Cracker?
Messrs. G. SPARAGNAPANE have their reply ready with their "Cracker
Skirt-Dancer" and their "May Blossom" (so nice in December), which is
a pleasant souvenir of _The_ Wedding. Of course, all these crackers
will "go off" well!
* * * * *
[Illustration: INDEX]
ADAPTED, 64
Ad Fratrem, 3
Adventures of Picklock Holes (The), 69, 76, 85, 100, 168, 213, 289,
301
Advertiser's Appeal, 270
Afternoon Party (An), 13
"After the Ball" in Paris, 297
After the Call, 243
Alexander and Diogenes, 162
Anacreontics for All, 273
Angels, 186
Another Scene at the Play, 64
Argentina, 226
Arriet on Labour, 88
"Art of 'Savoy Fare'" (The), 204
At Covent Garden last Thursday, 37
At the Sea-Side Church Parade, 73
At the Shaftesbury, 123
At the World's Water-Show, 40
Australian A B C (An), 57
Australia the (without) Golden, 94
BABES on the Treasury Bench (The), 255
Balfour's Boon, 101
Ballad (A), 262
"Ballade Joyeuse," 106
Ballade of Earlscourt, 57
Ballade of Lost Repartees, 142
Ballad of Departed Pippins (The), 41
Ball versus Ball, 297
Bank Holiday Beauty, 292
Behemoth and the Lion, 182
Belfry of Bruges Overlooked (The), 274
Bicycle built for Two (A), 258
Birds of Pray, 219
Bishop Bobadil, 166
Bitter Cry of the Broken-Voiced Chorister, 37
Black Shadow (The), 210
Blue Belles of Scotland (The), 298
Bobo, 178
Bogus Manager's Vade Mecum (The), 237
"Book that Failed" (The), 123
Brick-à-Brac, 195
Bright and Beautiful Working Man, 192
British Athletes Vade Mecum (The), 82
Brown Study in Autumn Tints (A), 109
Burden of Burdon Sanderson, 142
Business, 246
"But that's another Story," 225
CABMAN'S Guide to Politeness, 209, 225
Carr-Actors at "The Comedy," 185
Cause and Effect, 245
Central Hall of the Law Courts (The), 217
Champion Shaver (The), 282
Chance for the Briefless (A), 274
Change of Partners (A), 279
Christmas Hampers, 310
City Horse (The), 190
Closure at Home (The), 61
Coal and Wood, 257
Cockney on a Great Collection (A), 252
Connected with the Press, 77
Conversation-Book for Candidates, 258
Conversion à la Mode, 121
Cophetua, L.C.C., 113
County Council's Progressive Programme (The), 300
Cream of the Cream, 219
Cricket across the Channel, 61
Cricket Congratulations, 70
Croquet, 87
Crowning the Edifice, 153
Cry of the Civic Turtle (The), 310
Cure-ious! 99
DALY Dream (A), 180
Damon out of Date, 205
Dance till Dawn, 16
Danger! 85
Dark Continent in Two Lights (The), 226
Decayed Industry (A), 82
Deptford hath its Darling, 273
"Devil's Advocate" (The), 51
Diary à la Russe (A), 193
Directors' Vade Mecum (The), 49
Distorted Mercy, 309
Ditty of the Dog-Days (A), 17
Diver (The), 98
Double Entente, 228
Drama College, 192
Dr. Dulcamara Up to Date, 218
Dream-Book for Would-be Travellers, 65
Ducal Doings, 292
"Due South," 137, 145, 157, 169
EFFEMINACY of the Age, 97
1893; or, the Government Guillotine, 2
Englishman in Paris (The), 77
Essence of Parliament, 11, 22, 34, 46, 58, 70, 82, 94, 106, 118, 130,
142, 154, 226, 238, 250, 262, 274, 286, 298, 302
European Crisis Averted! 273
Examination Paper for Ladies, 45
Expostulation (An), 216
FABIUS Fin-de-Siècle, 225
Fallen Art (A), 25
"Fantastic" Action (A), 192
Farewell! 190
Fashionable Intelligence, 51
Father William, 18
Feminine Triumph (A), 277
"Flibbertigibbet," 261
Fool with a Gun (The), 159
"Forlorn Hope" (The), 150
Fragments from a Franco-Russian Phrase-Book, 197
French Flag (The), 228
French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 54
From Colchester, 111
From Grave to Gay, 89
From Our Island Special, 58
From Professor Muddle, 34
Future of Home Rule (The), 245
GAME of Chance (A), 285
Gingham-Grabber (The), 237
Going to the Country, 120
Golden Memories, 141
Good Luck to it! 253
"Good Sir John!", 166
Great African Lion-Tamer (The), 230
HANDY Boy (The), 246
"Hark! I hear the Sound of Coaches!", 255
Haunted! 101
Health-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 1
Height of Comfort (The), 241
"Here's to the Client," 63
Her Sailor Hat, 101
Highland "Caddie," 122
Highly Probable, 282
"History (nearly) repeats itself," 261
History Repeats Itself, 154
Home Rails, 243
How to Write a Cheap Christmas Number, 265
"Hymen Hymenæe!" 6
IDEAL Conversation (The), 159
Ideal Drama (The), 202
In Black and White, 225
Inquiry (An), 233
Intelligence à l'Americaine, 10
JOHN Bull's Naval Vade Mecum, 118
John Tyndall, 277
Jolly Young Watermaids (The), 156
Just Cause, 25
KISS that Costs (The), 310
LATEST Autumn Fashion (The), 228
Latest Crisis (The), 61
Latest Parisian Romance (The), 33
Law and Justice v. Duty "done," 286
Lawyer's Chortle (A), 205
Lay of the "Ancient" (The), 101
Lays of Modern Home, 33
Lesson for Labour (A), 138
Letter Home (A), 183
Letters for the Silly Season, 111
Letters to Abstractions, 97
Life (and Death) in South America, 158
Lines on (and off) an Italian Mule, 141
Little Bill-ee, 114
Little Master Minority, 198
Little Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe, 86
Lobengula's Letter-Bag, 257
London Pest (A), 25
London School-Board Vade Mecum (The), 165
Lord Chancellor's Song (The), 289
Lost Smell (The), 274
Love and Law, 142
Love's Labour's Lost, 86
"L'Union fait la--Farce!", 186
MAGIC and Manufactures, 245
Making them Useful, 90
Man in the South (The), 129
Man Makes the Tailor (The), 53
March in November, 234
"Masterly Inactivity," 174
Mature Charms, 261
May and December, 305
Meeting of the Anti-Biographers, 105
Message from the Sea (A), 294
Misnomer, 228
Misty Crystal (A), 214
Moan of a Theatre-Manager (The), 41
Moan of the Minor Poet (The), 42
Modern Medusa (The), 270
Modern Nymph's Reply to the Passionate Shepherd (The), 16
Mot by a Member, 222
Mr. Punch's Appeal--to Coal-Owners, Miners, and all whom it may
Concern, 170
Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 30
Murch Praised, 277
Muscular Education, 37
Music and Law, 293
Music for the Multitude, 49
"My Cummerbund," 153
My Gardeneress, 93
My Landlord, 193
My Pretty June, at a Later Season, 189
Mystified, 216
My Tenant, 193
NAME! Name! 226
Names for Other Names, 174
Nautical Economy, 285
N.B.! 214
New King Coal, 74
New King Coal Corrected, 118
New Lights for Old, 273
New Version, 273
New Year's Eve at Latterday Hall, 304
Ninth of November (The), 238
Noble Organ-grinder (The), 217
No Raison d'être! 216
Not a Fair Exchange, 177
Note by our own Philosopher, 207
Novel Show (A), 121
"OBERLAND" Route (The), 221
Ode de Knill--and Co., 25
Ode of Odours (An), 292
Old "Adelphi Triumph" (An), 117
Old and New School for Scandal, 249
Old Man's Musings (An), 10
One of the Maxims of Civilisation, 261
"One-Horse" Householder, 89
1,000,000 A.D., 250
Only Fancy! 93
Operatic Notes, 5, 17
Ornithological Outburst (An), 257
Orator "Pour Rire" (An), 21
Our Barterers, 294, 310
Our Booking-Office, 9, 52, 154, 198, 209, 237, 249, 253, 265, 285,
293, 305
Our Opera, 25
"Over the Hills and Far Away!", 126
"PAINLESS Dentistry," 133
Palinode, 258
"Paper of the Day after To-morrow" (The), 229
"Pas Même Académecien!" 162
"Pictures from 'Punch,'" 177
"Piece and War!" at Drury Lane, 149
Playing the Deuce at the Haymarket, 161
"Play is not the Thing" (The), 22
Plea for Pleading's (A), 277
Poison in the Pump, 281
Police Phrase-Book (The), 16
Politics in South America, 125
Popular Songs re-sung, 73, 241
Precept and Practice, 213
Preparing for Christmas, 226
Prince Alexander of Battenberg, 253
Profession of Journalism (The), 222
Prophetic Diary of the L. C. C., 16
Proprietors' Vade Mecum (The), 46
Punch's "God-Speed" to the Pole Seekers, 22
Q. E. D., 238
Queer Cards, 246
Queer English, 34
Queer Queries, 36, 37, 135, 240
Question of Tint (A), 217
"Quiet Pipe" (A), 122
Quoth Dunraven, Nevermore! 192
RATHER Familiar! 255
"Ready, Aye Ready!", 110
Reign of Ringlets (The), 158
Repartees for the Railway, 202
"Resh'prosh'ty," 222
Rex Lobengula, 243
Rhodes to ----? 225
Riflemen--"Form!" 165
Rippin', 171
Robert at Gildhall, 75
Robert at the Manshun House, 17
Robert on the Coming Sho, 221
Robert's Puzzel, 261
Rosebery to the Rescue! 15
"Rule, Britannia!", 234
Rule of the Sea (The), 57
Rules of the Rude (The), 177
"SAIL! a Sail!" (A), 78
Saint Izaak and his Votaries, 62
Schopenhauer Ballads (The), 57, 77
Seasonable, 37, 234
Seasonable Reflection, 297
Seasonable Sayings, 298
Seasonable Sonnet, 277
Seasonable Vade Mecum (A), 305
Seeing the Royal Wedding Presents, 28
Self-Help, 205
Sax Scotch Pipers (The), 195
Shakspeare in London, 264
Shooting the Chutes, 73
"Single-Handed Run" (A), 267
Sir Aquarius to the Rescue! 146
Skinners and Skinned, 5
"Social Test-Words," 121
Song of the Autumn Session (The), 217
Song of the Session (The), 3
Song of the Shopkeeper (The), 29
Sonnet, 111
Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 306
Star-Gazing, 183
Still Wilder Ideas, 94
Stormy Petrel (The), 66
Stout Singer's Smile (The), 286
Striker's Vade Mecum (The), 121
Strike-ing Suggestion (A), 228
Study in Brown (A), 309
Study in Press-Land (A), 149
Sub Judice, 3
Surgeon-Major Parke, 138
Sympathy, 42
TALE of the Alhambra (A), 9
Tea and Twaddle, 106
"Tears, idle Tears!", 264
Testimonial Manqué (A), 4
Then and Now, 157
Three Georges (The), 3
Three Jovial Huntsmen (The), 134
Three Tartars (The), 141
Three V's (The), 210
Through the Lock, 42
To a Droshky-Driver, 41
To a Fine Woman, 66
To a Lady, 253
To a Lost Friend, 201
To a Parisienne, 53
To a Swiss Barometer, 64
To a Young Friend, aged Seven, 189
To Bobby, 297
To Doctor Falbe, 141
To "Hans Breitmann," 192
To Hebe, 229
To Marjorie, 273
Too Kind by Half, 39
To the French Oarsmen, 5
To the Sea, 229
Tour that never was (The), 75
Triolet, 269
Trip-lets, 277
True French Politeness, 114
Trumps for Tramps, 87
Trying her Strength, 102
Turkish Occupation; or, Visions in Smoke (A), 26
Turpin and Trains, 147
Timon on Bimetallism, 65
"'Twas in Trafalgar"'s Theatre, 293
Two Pots, The, 75
Two Views of Victory, 233
Tyranny of the Unsuitable (The), 269
ULSTERICAL Impromptu (An), 228
Under the Rose, 112, 124, 136, 148, 160, 172, 184, 196, 208, 220,
232, 244, 256, 268, 280
Under the Roose, 1
Union is (Logical) Weakness, 221
University Intelligence, 277
Upon Julia's Mother, 190
"Usual Channel," (The), 90
"VARIETY! Va-ri-e-ty!", 279
Vision of Royalty (A), 27
Visit to Borderland (A), 52
"Voces Stellarum," 48
Voice of the Thames (The), 45
Volunteers' Vade Mecum (The), 29
WALK in Devon (A), 202, 214
Walking Englishwoman on the Alps, 77
War in South America (The), 181
Way they have in the City (A), 53
"Way they have in the Navy" (The), 41
Wear and Tear in Africa, 9
Weather Wisdom, 269
Were-Wolf (The), 290
Westminster Play (The), 293
What's in a Name? 33
When the "Cat"'s Away, 206
Who is it? 93
Why Elinor is ever Young, 57
Windy Corner at Brighton (A), 297
"Wonder-Kid" (A), 269
Woodman, spare those Trees! 166
Words! Words! Words! 102
Word to the Wise Wheelman (A), 219
YORKSHIRE Victor, 113
You never Wrote, 231
LARGE ENGRAVINGS.
Alexander and Diogenes, 163
"Bicycle built for Two" (A), 259
Black Shadow (The), 211
"Champion Shaver" (The), 283
"Father William," 19
"Forlorn Hope" (The), 151
French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 55
Handy Boy (The), 247
"Hymen Hymenæe!" 7
Lesson for "Labour" (A), 139
Little Bill-ee! 115
Little Master Minority, 199
"L'Union fait la--Farce!" 187
"Masterly Inactivity," 175
"Message from the Sea" (A), 295
Modern Medusa (The), 271
Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 31
"Over the Hills and Far Away!" 127
Poor Victim (The), 91
"Resh'prosh'ty," 223
"Rule, Britannia!" 235
"Sail! a Sail!" (A), 79
Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 307
Stormy Petrel (The), 67
"Through the Lock," 43
Trying her Strength, 103
SMALL ENGRAVINGS.
Agatha and the Wall-paper, 106
"Angels in the House," 47
Apple Woman on Lady Salisbury, 171
'Arry and Foreign Traveller, 12
Authority on the "Buffer State" (An), 64
Bachelor's Reason for Dancing, 29
Baked-Potato Man on the Sands, 166
Balfour and Treasury Babes, 254
Bather trying to regain his Tent, 109
Beater and the Serdlitz Pooder, 257
Bertie "catches a Crab," 51
British Lion and Matabele Behemoth (The), 182
Brown getting out of Stream, 310
Brown helping himself to everything, 138
Brown's Corporation and its Cause, 22
Bulky Bride leaving her Parents, 270
Cabby and Clergyman, 168
Canon's Introduction to a Lady, 210
Chiffonniers on Hampstead Heath, 114
Cleveland's Dance with Free Trade, 278
"Committee Stage of the Home-Rule Bill," 59
Complimenting an After-dinner Speaker, 286
Conjugal Trouble about Christmas Present, 190
Conscientious Hairdresser (A), 34
Corpulent Sportsman's Symptoms, 113
Counsel and Facetious Witness, 233
County Councillor and Acoustics, 298
Critic's Two Reviews (A), 277
"Daily Graphic" Weather Lady, 153
"Devil's Advocate" (The), 50
Dining with the Odds and Ends, 165
Divorce stands Lunch to Bankruptcy, 297
Doctor Dulcamara and Mr. Punch, 218
Doomed Bill (The), 119
"Ears off in Front!" 121
Electric Light in an Old House, 302
Eton Boy and Pater's dear Luncheon, 66
Excited Orchestral Conductor, 285
Farmer Trencherman and the Curate, 169
Father Thames Purified, 95
Festive Babies, 282
Football Match (A), 299
Forgotten his Dress Coat, 25
Friends in Editor's Sanctum, 58
Gamekeeper and Captain's Language, 70
Gate-Boy and Hunting Lady, 207
German Teacher of English (A), 28
Giant Beetle (The), 201
Gladstone's "Long Break," 287
Gladstone the Diver, 98
Going to Cairo for Cheapness, 281
Golf Meeting (A), 191
Government Guillotine (The), 2
"Happy Family" in Fret-Work (The), 71
Harrow Scholar in Good Form, 238
Hawkins and Merton at a Restaurant, 178
Highland Corporal and Photographer, 86
His Ancestor's Portrait, 195
His Sister's Match-Maker, 82
Holiday Dress in the House, 83
Hostess of "Present-Day" Age, 63
Housekeeper and Servants' Sweepstakes, 229
Housemaid's Translation of "Salve," 222
House of Apollo-ticians (A), 143
"House Party" at Christmas, 303
Icicle made for Two (An), 197
Improbable Free Fight in the Lords, 131
Indisposed Yachtsman's Resolutions, 65
Influenzial House of Commons, 275
Inspecting General and Yeoman, 15
Irish Curate and the Doctor, 75
Izaak Walton and his Votaries, 62
"Joey" (Chamberlain) and the Hot Poker, 242
Jones's Delicious Drink, 253
Jones's visit to Prigglesby Manor, 90
Laconic 'Bus-Driver (A), 27
Lady Hypatia and the World at Large, 258
Lady's Story after the Garden Party, 16
Lady Vera flattering an Author, 274
Lika Joko's Hunting Scene, 263
Little Boy and the Martial Cloak, 117
Little Old Woman and her Shoe, 86
Local Hatter and Baronet, 94
Local Mammoth's Neighbours (The), 292
Looking at the Knight's Tomb, 150
Lower Creation (The), 105, 111
Mamma's Vaccination Sleeves, 3
Marian not a fit Servant's Name, 202
Master Bull's Sinking Ships, 110
Master Jack out for Early Hunting, 154
Mr. Punch and Coal-Owner and Miner, 170
Mr. Punch at Edinburgh, 179
Mr. Sinnick's Love for Babies, 246
Mrs. Prickles and "Coals of Fire," 225
Mrs. Ramsbotham and the Graces, 162
Musicians in the Stalls, 159
My Lady and Housemaid's Character, 54
Naughty Boy and his Governess, 186
Nervous Hunting Man and Lady Rider, 262
New King Coal, 74
News from the Law Courts, 237
Not an Ornamental Bishop, 306
Old Adonis and his Bust, 99
Old Gent and Galloping Coach-Team, 81
Old Huntsman's Law Reading, 291
Old Keeper and Red-haired Fisher, 11
"Out for an Otter-Day!" 189
"Out! Her First Ball!" 1
Painter and his Hostess, 78
Papa putting on Mamma's Hair, 198
Parliamentary Bear-Garden (A), 35
Parliamentary Football Match, 266
Parliament by Proxy, 227
People who don't dine out on Sunday, 130
Pheasant Shooting, 203
Philanthropist and Small Boy's Parcel, 226
Piping Satyr (A), 122
Podgers and his Host's Shoes, 147
Police Protection for Pianists, 217
Portrait of Mr. Mince-Pie, 301
Priceless Piece of English Coal (A), 192
Railway Traveller and Dog, 177
Rhodes, the Lion-Tamer, 230
Ringlets again the Fashion, 158
Rivals and the Fair Siamese, 38
Rosebery to the Rescue! 14
Scenes in the City, 239
Scotch Counsel and Old Lady, 118
Scotchman and the Rector, 45
Scottish Political Pipers, 194
Sea-side after Visitors are gone, 135
Seedy Swell's Watch (A), 5
Shadows on the Underground Railway, 181
Shaftesbury Fountain (The), 181
Shy Couple conversing on the Strike, 234
Singing Captain and Ladies, 102
Sir Aquarius and the Water-Snake, 146
Sir Harry on his Rhinoceros, 216
Sir Pompey and the French Baron, 46
Sir Pompey's Acts of Charity, 30
Sleeping Cat o' Nine Tails, 206
Small Boy's Dilemma about Hunting, 267
Smart Set at a Party (A), 6
Snobley and the Sand Ponies, 123
Spelling "Soda-water" with a Syphon, 141
Sporting Farmer and 'Arry at the Hunt, 231
Sportsman who has made a Mare, 243
Spreading Himself Out, 305
Squire and his Steward (A), 245
Stag-Hunting, 215
Stout Lady wanting Wings, 174
Sultan and Khedive Smoking, 26
Tailor's Lobengulous Customer, 250
Telephoning Twins (The), 255
Three Ministerial Huntsmen (The), 134
Tiger and Bear at the Club, 173
Tipsy Gent and Baker's Boy, 53
Tipsy Undergraduate and the Major, 214
Tommy's Ultimatum to his Nurse, 18
Tourist Season (The), 107
Tourist who didn't Shoot Anybody, 219
Trafalgar Square of the Future, 251
Two Golfers, 145
Two Ladies and the Piano, 42
Two Swells in the Rain, 193
Two Unknown Painters, 61
Very Nice to Departing Guests, 294
Vicar's Cook and a Saved Sole, 142
Wandering Minstrel and Sea-side Beauties, 126
Wanting a Table d'Oat Dinner, 205
Week of the Year (The), 23
Were-Wolf of Anarchy (The), 290
Who would be an M.P.? 155
Who would not be an M.P.? 167
Young Lady Making "Dinner Eyes," 39
Young Lady's Jacket Puzzle, 237
Young Muddleigh's Lady Love, 279
Young Sportsman and the Bad Shot, 125
Young Wife and Horse's Weight, 183
Youthful Reprobate and the World, 265
Youth who comes Home late (A), 49
[Illustration]
* * * * *
LONDON; BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Page 306: "SANDSTONE" corrected to "SADSTONE", to fit context of
article.
"... to shed its lurid light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round
the door."