this would save me. Who did this for him? Jesus Christ, certainly; and
it must be written in the New Testament." I tried to jump up and reach my
Bible, but was overpowered by the emotion of my mind. I clasped my hands
over my eyes, and then the blessed effects of having even a literal
knowledge of scripture were apparent. Memory brought before me, as the
Holy Spirit directed it, not here and there a detached text, but whole
chapters, as they had long been committed to its safe but hitherto
unprofitable keeping. The veil was removed from my heart, and Jesus
Christ, as the Alpha and Omega, the sum and substance of every thing,
shone out upon me just as he is set forth in the everlasting gospel. It
was the same as if I had been reading, because I knew it so well by
rote, only much more rapid, as thought always is. In this there was
nothing uncommon; but in the _opening of the understanding, that I
might_ UNDERSTAND _the scriptures_, was the mighty miracle of
grace and truth. There I lay, still as death, my hands still folded over
nay eyes, my very soul basking in the pure, calm, holy light, that
streamed into it through the appointed channel of God's word. Rapture
was not what I felt; excitement, enthusiasm, agitation, there was none.
I was like a person long enclosed in a dark dungeon, the walls of which
had now fallen down, and I looked round on a sunny landscape of calm and
glorious beauty. I well remember that the Lord Jesus, in the character
of a shepherd, of a star, and above all, as the pearl of great price,
seemed revealed to me most beautifully: that he could save every body I
at once saw; that he would save me, never even took the form of a
question. Those who have received the gospel by man's preaching may
doubt and cavil; I took it simply from the Bible, in the words that
God's wisdom teacheth, and thus I argued: "Jesus Christ came into the
world to save sinners: I am a sinner; I want to be saved: he will save
me." There is no presumption in taking God at his word: not to do so is
very impertinent: I did it, and I was happy.
After some time I rose from the sofa, and walked about. My feelings were
delicious. I had found HIM of whom Moses in the law, and the prophets
did write; I had found the very Paschal Lamb whose blood would be my
safeguard from the destroying angel. Oh, how delicious was that
particular thought to me. It was one of the first that occurred, and I
laughed with gladness. Indeed my feeling was very joyous, and I only
wanted somebody to tell it to. I had two servants, one a young woman,
the other a little girl, both papists, both loving me with Irish warmth.
They were delighted to see me so well and happy on a sudden; and in the
evening I bade them come to my room, for I was going to read a beautiful
book, and would read it aloud. I began the gospel of St. Matthew, and
read nine chapters to them, their wonder and delight increasing my joy.
Whenever I proposed leaving off, they begged for more; and only for my
poor throat, I think we should have gone on till day. I prayed with
them, and what a night's rest I had! Sleep so sweet, a waking so happy,
and a joy so unclouded through the day, what but the gospel could
bestow? Few, very few, have been so left alone as I was with the
infallible teaching of God the Holy Ghost by means of the written word,
for many weeks, and so to get a thorough knowledge of the great
doctrines of salvation, unclouded by man's vain wisdom. I knew not that
in the world there were any who had made the same discovery with myself.
Of all schemes of doctrine I was wholly ignorant, and the only system of
theology open to me was God's own. All the faculties of my mind were
roused and brightened for the work. I prayed, without ceasing, for
divine instruction; and took, without cavilling, what was vouchsafed. On
this subject I must enter more largely, for it is one of immense
importance.
LETTER VI.
RELIGIOUS PROGRESS.
I am standing before you now in the character of one who, having been
brought under conviction of sin into utter self-despair, had found in
Christ Jesus a refuge from the storm of God's anger. I felt myself safe
in him; but as the revelation which God had made to man was not confined
to the sole point of a _satisfaction_ for the sins of men, I felt
it my bounden duty to search for all that the Most High had seen good to
acquaint his people with. At the same time I found myself a member of a
church calling itself Christian; but I too had called myself a
Christian, while as yet wholly ignorant of Christ, therefore I could not
depend upon a name. I knew that there were other churches, each putting
in a claim to a higher and purer standard than its neighbors, and it
behooved me to know which of them all was in the right, I had no books
of a religious character--not one; no clergyman among my acquaintance,
no means of inquiry, save as regarded my own church, whose Liturgy and
Articles lay before me. I resolved to bring them first to the test of
scripture, and if they failed, to look out for a better.
How I commenced the work and pursued it, I need not state. I tried every
thing, as well as I could, by the Bible; and my satisfaction was great
to find the purest, clearest strain of evangelical truth breathing
through the book which I had used all my life long, as I did the Bible,
without entering into its real meaning. How I could possibly escape
seeing the doctrines of faith, regeneration, and the rest of God's
revelation in them both, was strange to me; but I understood that the
natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God, and mourned
over the darkness that I supposed universal.
I found it distinctly stated by our Lord, that "except a man be _born
again_, he cannot see the kingdom of God;" and this served as a key
to many passages in the epistles and other parts of scripture
illustrative of the same solemn truth. I had never understood, never
thought of this. Did my church hold it? Yes; it was not only laid down
as a fundamental doctrine in her Articles, but constantly put into the
mouths of her congregation, either expressed or clearly implied. Again,
I found that _not by works but by faith_ I was to be justified
before God; and this also ran through the prayer-book, with unvarying
distinctness; though with that book in my hand and its contents on my
lips I had been hitherto attempting to scale heaven by a ladder of my
own forming.
* * * * *
The Athanasian creed brought to my recollection a circumstance that had
occurred a few years before, the importance of which had never been
known to me until I was brought acquainted with the saving truths of the
gospel. I now looked back upon it with trembling joy and gratitude to
him who had preserved me from a snare into which the pride of intellect,
joined to spiritual ignorance, would have been sure to lead me, but for
the watchful care of my heavenly Father, still working by means of my
blind but sincere reverence for his word. In my native town, Socinianism
flourished to a fearful extent; it has long been a very hotbed of that
fatal heresy, the holders of which are found among many leading
characters of wealth, influence, and high attainments. I knew no more of
it than that it was one of the many forms of dissent with which I had
nothing to do. I was acquainted with several of its disciples; but as
religion formed no part of our social intercourse, its peculiarities
were wholly unknown to me.
Not long before my trip to America I had been staying in Norwich, in the
same house with a most clever, intelligent, and amiable woman, of whom I
was very fond. I knew her to be a dissenter, and that was all. One
evening she drew me into a conversation, the commencement of which I
forget, but it soon arrived at a denial, on her part, of the Godhead of
Christ, which exceedingly astonished me, for I never supposed that could
be called in question. I ran for the Bible, saying, I would soon show
her it was not to be disputed; and she in return asserted that I could
not prove it out of the _inspired scriptures_. After pondering for
a while, I recollected the first chapter of Revelation, which, for its
sublimity, I ranked among the highest of my poetical gems, and that it
unequivocally proclaimed the divinity of our glorious Lord. I opened at
it, on which she burst into a laugh, saying, "You are not so weak as to
fancy that book of riddles any part of God's word!" "Why it is in the
Bible, you see," replied I, half indignantly. "And who put it there?
Come, you are a person of too much sense to believe that the binding up
of certain leaves between the two covers of the Bible makes them a part
of it. You must exercise the reason that God has given you, and in so
doing you will discover so many interpolations and deceptions in that
version of yours, that you will be glad to find a more accurate one."
She continued in the same strain for some time. I was greatly agitated;
I closed the great Bible, and leaning on it with folded arms, my heart
beating violently against the bright red cover, I gave heed to all she
said. My love of novelty, passion for investigation, and the
metaphysical turn that had sometimes made my father quite uneasy about
me, when he saw me at eight years old poring over abstruse reasonings
with the zest of an old philosopher, were all in her favor. I felt as if
the foundation of my faith was giving way, and I was being launched on a
sea of strange uncertainty. When she concluded, I laid my forehead on
the book in most deep and anxious thought. I did not pray: God was found
of one who sought him not, for surely he alone dictated my answer. I
started up, and with the greatest vivacity said, "Mrs. ----, if you can
persuade me that the book of Revelation is not inspired, another person
may do the same with regard to the book of Genesis, and so of all that
lie between them, till the whole Bible is taken away from me. That will
never do; I cannot part with my dear Bible. I believe it all, every word
of it, and I am sure I should be miserable if I did not." Then, kissing
the precious volume with the affection one feels for what is in danger
of being lost to us, I carried it back to its shelf, and declined any
further discussion on the subject. She told some one else she was sure
of having me yet; but the good providence of God interposed to remove me
from the scene of danger.
That metaphysical turn I omitted to mention among my early snares; my
father checked it, although it was a great hobby of his own. He had seen
its fearful abuse in the origin of the French revolution, and regarded
it as one of the evil spirits of the age. I recollect the mixture of
mirth and vexation depicted in his face one morning, when on his
remarking that I did not look well and inquiring if any thing ailed me,
I replied, "No, but I could not get any sleep."
"What prevented your sleeping?"
"I was thinking, papa, of '_Cogito, ergo sum_'--'I think,
therefore I exist'--and I lay awake, trying to find out all about it."
"'_Cogito, ergo sum!'_" repeated my father, laughing and frowning
at the same time; "what will you be at twenty, if you dabble in
metaphysics before you are ten? Come, I must set you to study Euclid;
that will sober your wild head a little." I took the book with great
glee, delighted to have a new field of inquiry, but soon threw it aside.
Mathematics and I could never agree. Speculative and imaginative in an
extraordinary degree, carrying much sail with scarcely any ballast, what
but the ever watchful care of Him who sitteth upon the circle of the
earth could have preserved from fatal wrecking a vessel so frail, while
yet without pilot, helm, or chart?
It was the recollection of my short encounter with the Socinian that
satisfied me respecting the Athanasian creed. I felt that had I taken up
its bold assertions and established every one of them, as now I did, by
scripture, no sophistry could have staggered my faith, though it had
been but a reasoning, not a saving faith, in that high doctrine of the
coexistent, coequal Trinity. I did not then know--for of all church
history I was ignorant--that its original object was not so much to
establish a truth, as to detect and defeat a falsehood. The damnatory
clauses, as they are called, did not startle me. I saw clearly the fact
that God had made a revelation of himself to man, which revelation man
was not at liberty to receive or to reject, and as without faith it is
impossible to please God, and that alone is faith which implicitly
believes the record that he hath given of his Son, the deductions in
question were perfectly fair and orthodox. I frequently wondered, when
subsequently brought into the arena of various controversies, at the
ease with which, aided by the Bible alone, I settled so many disputed
points; and as it really was by the Bible I settled them, man's teaching
has never yet on any subject altered my views. * * *
Whether it be regarded as presumptuous or not, I must thankfully avow
that during the weeks when I was left alone with my Bible, I obtained a
view of the whole scheme of redemption and God's dealings with man,
which to this hour I have never found reason to alter in any one
respect, save as greater light has continually broken in on each branch
of the subject, strengthening, not changing those views. You will see in
the progress of my sketch, how complete a bulwark against error in
numberless shapes I have found in this simple adherence to the plain
word of truth--this habit of bringing every proposition "to the law and
to the testimony;" fully persuaded that "if they speak not according to
this word, it is because there is no light in them."
I now proceed to an interesting epoch in my life: the commencement of my
literary labors in the Lord's cause. It marks very strongly the
overruling hand of Him who was working all things after the counsel of
his own will; and I will give it you without curtailment, together with
my introduction, through it to the Christian community of the land.
My life, as I told you, was solitary and retired; my time chiefly passed
in writing out documentary matters for the lawyers. The circumstance of
my using the pen so incessantly became known, and I was looked on as a
literary recluse. One day a lady personally unknown to me, but whose
indefatigable zeal was always seeking the good of others, sent me a
parcel of tracts. With equal wonder and delight I opened one of them, a
simple, spiritual little production; and the next that I took up was an
inducement to distribute tracts among the poor. From this I learned that
some excellent people were engaged in a work quite new to me; and, with
a sigh, I wished I had the means of contributing to their funds.
Presently the thought flashed upon me, "Since I cannot give them money,
may I not write something to be useful in the same way?" I had just then
no work before me, and a long winter evening at command. I ordered large
candles, told the servants not to interrupt me, and sat down to my novel
task. I began about seven o'clock, and wrote till three in the morning;
when I found I had produced a complete little story, in the progress of
which I had been enabled so to set forth the truth as it is in Jesus,
that on reading it over I was amazed at the statement I had made of
scriptural truth, and sunk on my knees in thankfulness to God. Next
morning I awoke full of joy, but much puzzled as to what I should do
with my tract. At length, in the simplicity of my heart, I resolved to
send it to the bishop of Norwich, and busied myself at the breakfast-
table in computing how many franks it would fill. While thus employed, a
note was put into my hands from Miss D----, apologizing for the liberty
taken, saying she had sent me, the day before, some tracts, and as she
heard I was much occupied with the pen, it had occurred to her that I
might be led to write something myself; in the possibility of which she
now enclosed the address of the secretary to the Dublin Tract Society,
to whom such aid would be most welcome.
I was absolutely awe-struck by this very striking incident. I saw in it
a gracious acceptance of my freewill offering at His hands to whom it
had been prayerfully dedicated; and in two hours the manuscript was on
its way to Dublin, with a very simple letter to the secretary. A cordial
answer, commendatory of my tract and earnestly entreating a continuance
of such aid, soon reached me, with some remarks and questions that
required a fuller communication of my circumstances and feelings. He had
recommended frequent intercourse with the peasantry, of whose habits and
modes of expression I was evidently ignorant, and I then mentioned my
loss of hearing as a bar to this branch of usefulness, His rejoinder was
the overflowing of a truly Christian heart, very much touched by an
artless account of the Lord's dealings with me; and greatly did my
spirit rejoice at having found a brother in the faith thus to cheer and
strengthen me.
But alas, a few days afterwards, Miss D----, whom I had still never
seen, wrote to apprize me that this excellent man had ruptured a blood-
vessel and was dying. Still he did not forget me, but after lingering
for some weeks, on his death-bed commended me to the friendship of his
brother, who from that period proved a true and valuable helper to me.
Meanwhile I was beginning to take a view of popery, under the light of
the gospel. As yet, I knew nothing of it spiritually; and my retired
life kept me from observing how it worked among the poor people around.
My attention was first directed to it by a conversation with the younger
of my two servants; she slept in my apartment, and I remarked that while
kneeling at her devotions she not only uttered them with amazing
rapidity, but carried on all the while the operation of undressing, with
perfect inattention to what she was saying. I asked her the purport of
her prayers; she told me she said the "Our Father," and then the "Hail
Mary:" at my request she repeated the latter, and I gave her a gentle
lecture on the irreverence of chattering to God so volubly, and of
employing herself about her clothes at the same time; adding that she
should be devout, deliberate, and quiet while speaking to God; but as
for the Virgin Mary it was no matter how she addressed her, if address
her she would, for being only a dead woman she could know nothing about
it. This, I am ashamed to say, was the extent of my actual protest at
that time. The girl took it all very readily, and ever after, during her
address to God, she knelt with her hands joined, repeating the words
slowly and seriously; but the moment she commenced the "Hail Mary," to
make up for lost time she prattled it so rapidly, and tore open the
fastenings of her dress with such bustling speed, that I could scarcely
refrain from laughing. A little reflection, however, convinced me it was
an act of idolatry, and no laughing matter; and from that time I
inquired as deeply as I could into their faith and practice; constantly
showing them from the scriptures how contrary their religion was to that
of the gospel. Still it was but a very partial and superficial view that
I could as yet obtain of the great mystery of iniquity through these
ignorant and thoughtless girls; and to this must be attributed my sad
failure in not warning them more distinctly to come out of Babylon. I
rather tried to patch up the old, decayed, tattered garment with the new
piece of the gospel, as many more have done; and so made the rent worse,
instead of replacing the vile article with one of God's providing.
* * * * *
When that excellent man, Mr. D----, was committed to the grave, his
younger brother visited me on his way back to Dublin. That interview I
shall never forget; he talked to me out of the overflowings of a heart
devoted to Christ, and left me pining for more extended enjoyment of
Christian society. I was not long ungratified; within three days an
unexpected summons took me to Dublin, and on the very evening of my
arrival Mr. D---- introduced me to a party of about thirty pious
friends, assembled to meet a missionary just returned from Russia.
Remember these were the frank, unrestrained, warmhearted Irish, of all
people the most ready at expressing their zealous and generous feelings;
and imagine, if you can, my enjoyment, after such a long season of
comparative loneliness, when they came about me with the affectionate
welcome that none can utter and look so eloquently as they can. I
thought it a foretaste of heavenly blessedness; and yet I often longed
for those seasons when I had none but my God to commune with, and poured
out to him all that now I found it delightful to utter to my fellow-
creatures. Then, my tabernacle was indeed pitched in the wilderness, and
the candle of the Lord shone brightly upon it; now, the blending of many
inferior lights distracted my mind from its one object of contemplation,
and broke the harmony that was so sweet in its singleness.
A few months after this, the lawsuit being ended, my husband was ordered
abroad. I declined to cross the Atlantic a second time, and from this
period I became chiefly dependent on my own exertions. My mother had
joined me in Ireland, having been made a partaker in the like precious
faith and hope with myself. * * *
LETTER VII.
KILKENNY.
We took up our abode in the town of Kilkenny, so richly blessed with
gospel privileges, and so far removed from the annoyances to which I was
exposed while trying to fulfil the landlord's part over a property
inextricably involved, and now also placed in the hands of trustees. I
had sought the maintenance of that character for the sake of the poor
tenants, whose affection, for me was very great, and among whom I had of
late been frequently allowed to read the scriptures. The necessity,
however, of providing for myself, and the hopeless perplexities of my
nominal office, between head-landlords, under-tenants, trustees, a
receiver, and all the endless machinery of an embarrassed little Irish
estate, compelled me to seek a more quiet sphere; and in Kilkenny I
found all that could combine to encourage me in the pursuit of honest
independence in the way of usefulness. I finished "Osric," which formed
a good-sized volume, and commenced the pleasant task of writing penny
and twopenny books for the Dublin Tract Society, who paid me liberally,
and cheered me on my path with all the warmth of Christian affection. It
was indeed a delightful task, and God had raised up to me also a friend
to whose truly paternal kindness I owe more than ever can be told, Mr.
George Sandford, now Lord Mountsandford, who, from our first
acquaintance, entered with a father's interest into all that concerned
me. Thus encouraged, I held on my way, and tasted the sweets that I hope
to enjoy to the end of my days--those of the original curse brightened
by the irreversible blessing: "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat
bread;" "Be ye steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the
Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labor shall not be in vain in the
Lord."
I have already told you my escape from the snare of Socinianism; and now
I am to narrate a trial of faith and doctrine which by the mercy of God
produced effects just the reverse of what was intended. This was no less
than a vigorous attempt to convert me to Popery. I had not yet bestowed
any great attention on the details of that abominable device, but was
most fully persuaded of its being a system of idolatrous delusion, the
working of which was strikingly manifested in the wretchedness, the
immorality, the turbulence and degrading superstitions of the poor
creatures around me. It never had been my practice to tamper with or to
compromise what I knew to be wrong; therefore I had not suffered
curiosity to lead me within the walls of a mass-house, nor in any way to
put on the semblance of an agreement which cannot really exist between
the temple of God and idols. I believed Popery to be the Babylon of the
Apocalypse, and I longed for resolution to proclaim to the deluded
victims, "Come out of her, my people," This I had never done, but on the
contrary fell cheerfully in with the then cautious policy of my friends,
and so framed my little books and tracts as to leave it doubtful whether
they were written by a Protestant or not. Paul to the Jews became as a
Jew, that he might gain the Jews: I, by a false process of reason,
thought it allowable to become as an idolater to the idolaters, that I
might gain the idolaters. An awful, presumptuous sin! The Jew possesses
the fair blossom of gospel truth, which by kindly fostering is to be
expanded and ripened into the rich fruit: the Papist holds in his hand
an apple of Sodom, beneath the painted rind of which is a mass of ashes
and corruption. He must be induced to fling it away, and to pluck from
the tree of life a wholly different thing.