GENERAL CONUNDRUMS
Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled,
then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have
pistils.
What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing.
Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it?
He is bedridden.
What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring.
Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly.
What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one
harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's."
When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
surrounded by felloes (fellows).
Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad
brim.
Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow.
What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of
bank-notes.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
behind to settle.
Why is English grammar like gout? Because it's torture (taught yer).
Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an
invalid? Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).
Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Because he polishes the
understandings of his patrons.
Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a
room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
are always for-getting everything.
What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get,
one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing
the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune.
When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
Why is a joint company not like a watch? Because it does not go after
it is wound up.
When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
up in himself.
What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
chops about.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
living.
Why do British soldiers never run away? Because they belong to the
standing army.
What part of a car resembles a person? The wheel, because it is
tired.
On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside.
When may a chair be said to dislike you? When it can't bear you.
What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing? The
scissors.
Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their
existence is only in-fancy.
Why is a proud girl like a music book? She is full of airs.
Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not at all black
(not a tall black).
Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they
make a noise whenever they are told (tolled).
Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing
satisfies him.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? They ought to be
taken up.
Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us? We call them to
take us in.
Why are weary people like carriage wheels? Because they are tired.
Why does a tall man eat less than a short man? Because he makes a
little go a long way.
What is the dryest subject? The mummy.
When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering.
Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses.
How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside.
What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One
irons your linen, the other steals it.
When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the
storm is over.
Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to
the Milky Way.
What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold.
Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from
it.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the
last.
What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is
made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell
only.
Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a
harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre.
When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a
well.
What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour.
When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his
pa's son (parson).
What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
is--the bigger the better? Skin him.
Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
goes.
When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the
woods--and plains.
Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull
edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of
flash language.
Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by
every post.
What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent?
One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does
wrong.
What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced.
What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them
the faster they go.
Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
his stomach.
When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance
of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
folded.
What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major.
What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural.
In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B
Minor).
Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they
are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A
pigs-tye, of course.
Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet
full of bounce.
When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts
away with it.
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because
it's past-your-age (pasturage).
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the
deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl
kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss).
Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus
(re-buss).
Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African
bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning."
Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it
has so many notions.
Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently
says, "Try that last run over again."
What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One
shines at the head, the other at the foot.
What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement.
When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes.
Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he
has too much time on his hands.
When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his
patients.
Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter
equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without
foundations.
Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always
on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!).
Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the
greatest repeater known to history.
Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid
of the hook.
Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses
like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline.
Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well
dressed.
Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only
made light of.
How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it
we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.
Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often
looked over or over-looked.
Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a
certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus.
Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress?
Because they are opposed to the motion.
Why is the aeronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a
successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate.
Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their
energies to the conquest of the air.
Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the
State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating.
Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because
each has lost his pull.
Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate.
Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and
puff.
Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it
without crackers.
Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know
how to manage the mails (males).
Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of
waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide).
What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled
lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum.
Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because
she is engaged in a kid-napping project.
What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of
it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."
Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man?
Because she husbands her resources.
Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter
how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never
felt.
When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled.
Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the
existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done
with the pen.
Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want
is carrying out.
What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet
done? Stop a minute.
Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off
its guard.
Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its
turning is the result of conviction.
Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by
conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most
others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
out.
What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance
to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.
Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an
auger-ill.
What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are
"week" days.
What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
moment.
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
airy-naught (aeronaut).
Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.
Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss
the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the
spring, unless he makes a summerset between them.
What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel
plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a
cruise? She weighs anchor.
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close
(clothes) of the week.
When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings
his own (k)nell.
What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone.
Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder?
Because both submit to a forced sail.
Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one
side and tail's on the other.
What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters.
Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs
to catch soft water when it rains hard.
What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches
the age of discretion.
Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible
means of support.
What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The
one makes facsimiles, the other sick families.
Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands
over four feet.
Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That
the people may not try to drown their losses.
What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone.
What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and
yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave.
Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked
automobile? They've both got flat tire.
Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up
his plot.
Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he
immediately removes his weeds.
Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately
determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall
from his eyes.
How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by
executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up.
How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the
faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the
orderly obeys orders from headquarters.
What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank.
Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you
a-light.
Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social
reprobate? Because he's too fast.
Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a
matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it
has a mile between its first and last letters.
Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of
feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound
troy.
What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
impression.
Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and
twice eleven is twenty-two (too).
Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better
than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.
That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which
every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice.
When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.
When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.
What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp
lighter.
Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles
in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much.
When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a
just judge? Because you hear both sides.
What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and
sentimentally the untied.
Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be
prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a
will.
How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres.
Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's
been operated on.
Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the
washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye.
Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman? Because he's
up and coming.
Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups
and downs.
What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row.
What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more
gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.
Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because
everybody's crazy about him.
Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are
promissory notes.
When are words musical? When they have a ring to them.
When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking.
Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because
of the frequency of whirlwinds there.
Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always
looking for new stars.
Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of
an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom.
When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare.
When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly.
When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick.
When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of
knots.
What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never
sleeps in it? A river.
Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade?
Because you would get bad habits from him.
What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his
ropes, the other pitches his tent.
Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood.
What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the
art of healing (heeling).
What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen.
When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under
consideration.
Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his
sovereign.
When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew.
What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News.
When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.
What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune.
What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.
Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent
wherever it goes.
What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate.
When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail).
Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting
stars.
What garden crop would save draining? Leeks.
When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.
When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed.
Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a
great deal bored.
When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound.
What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her
own flag.
What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had
better be sewn (sown).
Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that
the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the
potatoes and make them self-irrigating.
Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because
no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.
What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The
multiplication table.
Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?
Six dozen dozen, of course.
What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A
hole.
If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?
A bee-attitude.
Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any
post.
Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor
Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
necessary.
Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the
morning, and mist at night.
Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one
side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.
And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will
for the deed.
Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes
it hollow.
When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because
neither is felt.
Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you
in sunshine.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the
scenter.
If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he
say? "I have no i-dea."
When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases.
Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'.
Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a
_grain_.
What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer.
Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting
on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there.
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises
from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_.
In what color should friendship be kept? In violet.
What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the
vilest? A lyre.
How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run.
Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is
full of notions.
Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on
swimmingly.
Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's
add-mir'd.
Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the
communion.
Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.
Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as
the company does.
Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies.
Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you.
Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes
moving signs.
Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their
youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get
fleeced at last.
Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_
go a great way.
Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never
starved? Because he's never without a bit.
Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed
before his master.
Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good
many achers.
Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored.
Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the
ball.
Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore.
Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds
the stock in (stocking).
Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd.
Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered.
Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does
it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes
him flatter.
Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful
young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).
Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed
it soon goes.
What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea
creatur') of great sighs (size).
How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.:
Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total,
sixteen.
Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.
Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never
be Imp o' Light.
Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman.
Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people
steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).
What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on,
and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from
going too far.
Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.
At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it
strikes one.
Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay
wherever you put her.
Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you
never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you
many good points.
What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A
catalogue.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails
(males) are tied up in bags.
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand
affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a
swell affair.
Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).
What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often
a man and often a woman? A toast.
How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming
eggs-aspirated (exasperated).
On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside.
Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a
cabbage? Because his heart's in his head.
Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is
ready to give any man a lift.
Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please.
Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you.
Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a
vial in.
Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his
bill.
When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he
wears a heavy beard and a mustache.
Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of
abstraction.
Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because
it can never be-long to him.
Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals?
Because he is the querist.
What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears
shoes, but never had any shoes? A football.
Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are
numbered.
What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.
Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat
is in tents (intense).
Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.
Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick.
Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder
(beholder).
Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are
stationary (stationery).
Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair).
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a
cup.
Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled
(told).
What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters.
How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears
an entire costume; the other simply pants.
What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If
you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it
takes all the swell out of him.
If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be
reminded of? A pair (pear).
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and
destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients).
When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a
piano for-tea (forte).
What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and
the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his
play.
Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer
(pill for her).
Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done
quacking.
Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs,
certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from
egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives).
Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly
done.
What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a cock-robin.
Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their
next world in this (necks twirled).
By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid
(Adelaide).
Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always
have a comb about them.
Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing.
What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty,
the other tidy.
Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep
into the earth.
Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological
works? Because it was virgin on something serious.
When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what
bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her
behalf.
What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One
teaches Miss, the other misteaches.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When
giving a swimming lesson.
What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up.
What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at
Court? Influence-sir.
Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep).
Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door
(adore).
What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?
The doorknocker.
Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always
wood (would)--or should be.
Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
for a pupil.
How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their
"presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it.
What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and
civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a
tail and the dog-star hasn't.
Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is
let out at night and taken in in the morning.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he
makes both ends meet.
When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound.
Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking
those that are dun before you begin.
Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple?
Because though they are two, yet are they one (won).
Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of
clay.
Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite
vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato).
Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing
there.
Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y
presentation.
Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit
of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends
church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.
If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would
embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?).
Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because
she reels and spins.
In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down?
In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not
setters.
What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what
other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it,
and for the swallow, of course.
Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have
married more women than they can support, and would like to marry
more.
In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the
law and profits (prophets).
What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon.
Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he
is _above_ doing a mean action.
"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and
never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear
(deer) departed.
What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one
if she lives long enough.
What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It is a vain (vane)
thing to a-spire."
What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same?
The postman.
Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young
clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy.
Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very
virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander
(propaganda).
Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually
selling that which he kneads himself.
Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him.
Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east
makes everything rise.
What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?
Their being too long.
What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because
when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).
What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One
clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.
Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight.
When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice.
Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup.
What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater.
When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the
leaves.
Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_
of their own.
Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind.
Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the
heavens for centuries.
What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?
One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress.
How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been
to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full.
Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if
you catch it.
Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann
Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.
How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By
proposing to Bridge-it.
Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an
application.
Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he
would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.
State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because
he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the
face.
Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass.
When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in
it).
Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).
When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the
currants.
Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the
chaps off.
Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
keep the sparks off.
In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned
curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry).
Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?
Because they have a gall on a bier between them.
What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.
Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
occasioned the fall of man.
On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates,
soles, an' (h)eels.
In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In
polly-silly-bills.
Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons
for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram.
What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.
Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet.
Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel.
Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.
What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.
Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a
dinner.
What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.
When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When
there is not a _single_ person in it.
Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.
When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a
man-of-war.
When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate.
When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer.
When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy.
When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy
swell.
When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore.
When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little
cove.
When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow.
Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants
legs.
Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on
ropes and poles, and thrives.
If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?
Against his inclination.
Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
farthest from the bark.
Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins
by breaking.
What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see
again? Yesterday.
What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day.
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence
of body.
Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure
to be run over by carriages and automobiles.
Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful
as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be
very ancient.
What is the superlative of temper? Tempest.
On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn.
What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as
soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly.
Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you
never see two of them together.
Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit.
Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting
from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out?
Out of the hole.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
One uses wax candles and the other dips.
Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as
stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
Daylight.
Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much
water.
Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an
oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread.
Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket.
What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
waistcoat first.
What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids.
With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves.
Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the
course that they take, but not the source whence they spring.
When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart
(sweetheart).
Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of
mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than
getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than
nothing.
At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of
his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives).
Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because
there are always so many people picking pockets there.
When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would.
Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied
until their works are "hung on the line."
Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
Because he is no better (bettor).
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you
pass through.
Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will
then have his leg at ease (legatees).
What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?
A bald head.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late
(scintillate).
Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
die late (dilate).
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what
you do in everything--excel (XL)."
Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because,
though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect
on you.
Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley
(valet).
What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush.
What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and
no end.
Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes
matrimony.
Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what
she seams (seems).
When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When
he has a stitch in his side.
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
each of them.
What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer
gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers.
If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would
she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).
What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To
get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).
How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that
they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they
are only miss givings (misgivings).
Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long
enough before he gets another.
What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it
was never seen before.
Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his
business makes him sell-fish.
Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the
center of gravity.
What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper.
Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make
the shells burst on the kernel (colonel).
Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the
point of a tack (attack).
What is the best material for kites? Flypaper.
What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is
certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led.
When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it
back-bites.
What is a button? A small event that is always coming off.
What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony.
What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the
earth.
What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end.
What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson.
Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a
_fare_ thing.
Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station.
What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled.
What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon
one, and stand upon the other.
How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers.
What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive.
Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very
often.
How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the
_Olympic_? Courtship.
Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun?
Because it is too much for a charge.
When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When
he is out under arms.
When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap.
Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing
dinner."
Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an
ex-actor.
Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor,
for he is beset by the "devil."
How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because
she's taking a part (taken apart).
Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters
and reports time.
Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he
has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).
Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher?
Because her pupils are kept in the dark.
Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers'
comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket).
Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because
they both fail to become rich.
Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on
horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).
Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose
treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the
receiver is as bad as the thief.
Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at
drawing houses.
Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for
her cheek.
Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching.
Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing
better to kiss, and men have.
If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss.
Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists?
Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to
make a match with a man twice their own size any day.
When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing
it.
When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without
kissing them.
How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size).
When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a
measure.
Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly.
Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is
per-jury.
Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
more they are with them.
What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
broken? Pieces.
What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after
dinner? A different one.
What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators.
What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination.
Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over
sleepers.
What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl.
What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission.
What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an
e-lix-ir (he licks her).
What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child?
One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.
What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted.
What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes.
What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread
being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is
the mother of invention."
What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a
cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes,
and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her
head.
What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty
daughter.
Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a
representative.
Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to
get off.
When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged.
Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises.
Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest)
now.
Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he
does not feel well.
If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A
little London porter.
Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has
ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk.
Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken,
and his locks are few.
What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A
cup and saucer (saw, sir!).
Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper
and the running vine.
Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a
reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring.
What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other.
Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no
bigger tree (bigotry) there.
Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told
(tolled).
Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend
on their pumps.
Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons.
Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.
What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?
Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).
Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet.
When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts.
What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often.
What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
before its face, and runs down its own works.
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down.
Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver
till her bow comes, and can't go off without one.
Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and
defective.
What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out;
which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands.
What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One
minds his peas, the other his cues.
What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The
tongue.
Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can
shut them up without giving offense.
Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a
sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be
sold.
Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by
auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.
Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?
Because he has picked yours (pictures).
Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but
meer-shams.
Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation
with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary.
What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.
Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's
broken.
How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their
breeches.
Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?
Because he departs from his sphere of action.
When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're
exposed to the fire they run.
When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers
are all in quarters.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted.
What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen.
Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties?
Because hops produce great bitterness.
What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas.
Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons.
What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your
addresses.
When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously)
obtained.
Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of
Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would
men should do unto them.
Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because
you un-buzz-'em (unbosom).
When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
another.
When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a
goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt
her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner.
What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is
killed and then cured.
Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if
you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.
Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is
for the first born, the other for the last bourn.
Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.
What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are
ashes still.
If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say?
Tree, mend us (tremendous).
When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its
length.
Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the
ears.
Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent
singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).
Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious).
What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill).
When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass.
What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses?
They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without
talking.
What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not
pay your water rates.
What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims).
When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?
When it has a hole in it.
What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is
blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.
What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead).
Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
before it comes to life.
When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put
in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?
One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws
(clause) into the Bill of another member.
What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's
food.
Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his
tail, otherwise his tail would wag him.
Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant
(current).
When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably.
When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive
from you at the same time? A key to your feelings.
Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off
the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and
passes over the plain.
What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction.
Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the
men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.
How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting
their faces against them.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who
can decline Matrimony.
Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark.
Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the
felloes around it are tired.
Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty
to perform.
What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at
the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its
clauses.
What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows.
When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round.
When does the House of Representatives present one of the most
ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its
noes (nose) on the other.
What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?
Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.
Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass.
What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you
lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.
Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will
be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation.
When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the
reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the
congregation.
When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_
husband.
Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one;
because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects
of adoration.
Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because
it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).
Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very
good.
Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?
He's tor'd his clothes.
Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your
pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of
blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the
bull rushes out.
What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches
wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe.
What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a
cupper, the other a sorcerer.
What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become
terra-pins.
Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails.
Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen
through, and shut up.
Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.
What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room.
What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement.
What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters
the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat.
Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
chicken-hearted.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would
be in fowl language.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower
garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them
here (hear).
What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
than yourself? Your name.
What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet
does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
up in himself.
What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better
tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).
What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.
Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'.
When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists
(tourists).
What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the
lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of
the larva.
Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young
lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).
Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to
sea (see).
What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them.
Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money.
Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker
than the mail (male) intelligence.
If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose
another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain.
What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then
to ex-POUND it.
What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery.
Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as
of words.
Why does a young man study law? To get on.
Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor.
Why does he leave the profession? To get honest.
What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist
on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come).
Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a
gal(l)on.
How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a
wig.
Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.
Noise.
Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always
crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.
What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence.
What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody
else? Your word.
What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go
round with the world.
What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
takes? The snuffers.
Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
continually passing between them.
What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because
he's a Jew-ill.
Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is
lost upon him.
What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A
pack of cards.
What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky
(croquet).
What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What
does y-e-s spell?
What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a
knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).
If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he
had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale)
unfold."
What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows
some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A
newspaper.
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
reviews.
What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
Chin-chilly (chinchilla).
Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House,
where you can get a duck for a dime.
Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
bred (bread).
What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs.
When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his
pigs? When he has a sty in his eye.
What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though
the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent
(a parent).
What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare.
Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew
(blue) and the waters rose.
How does a ray of light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way.
What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store?
Muslin (muzzling).
When does English butter become Irish butter? When it is made into
little _Pats_.
Which is the most ancient of trees? The elder tree.
Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt.
Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example?
Because they practice their professions.
Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel?
Because it is for a-tone-ment.
Why is a good pun like a good cat? Because it requires pause (paws).
Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? Because it makes a man's
mouth water.
Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full?
Because it is a pitiful house.
Why is a fortified town like a pudding? Because it's often batter'd.
Why does a tallow chandler live better than another man? Because he
lives on the fat of the land.
Why is a water lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to
blow.
Why is a resolution like a looking glass? Because it is so easily
broken.
Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in
either case it is a feint (faint).
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has
tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person
with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never
for-giving.
Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they
are left off'uns (orphans).
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims
the milk, the other the water.
Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no
attention to the swells that follow her.
What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose.
Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you
till it drops.
Which travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can easily
catch cold.
What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed.
I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
Which eat more grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are
more of them.
Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
game alive.
What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse.
In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the
sixth? In that sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is
Sabbath night).
Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains).
On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a
house? If it became-brick (be cambric).
Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't
answer.
Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil
under the lash.
Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes
blew.
When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill?
Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser).
Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's
re-wiving.
When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery?
When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth.
Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean?
Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age.
State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and
an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the
other pounds away.
Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered
underground.
When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When
she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she
replies, "Sure, it's ate."
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
you would be making game of him.
Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair
o' fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
becomes.
What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One
makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
(blows so bleak).
What is the difference between a _premiere danseuse_ and a duck? One
goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her
beautiful eggs.
What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a
billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.
When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of
hand by refusing you.
Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it
is seldom let alone.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down
in the mouth.
What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry).
Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the
pasty must be made of dough (doe).
Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done,
cannot be helped.
Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is
impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.
Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly
married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize
ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.
What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y).
Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur'
(detonator).
What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash
man ate a rasher.
What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.
How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their
trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing.
What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots
from the eye, the other from the shoulder.
What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None
at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur
(spectator).
What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?
One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.
Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they
are warranted to wash--and keep color.
Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but
never wanted.
Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are
accustomed to bare arms.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the
other heads.
What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The
difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg
whipped to go froth.
Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a
negro-man-sir (necromancer).
What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His
tongue.
What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit
box.
Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his
own hand.
Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup
(catch up).
Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not
be too stringy.
Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because
it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one.
What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel.
If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to
you? Your mother.
Of what profession is every child? A player.
Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no
scruples.
Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the
full moon is as light again.
Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit.
When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift.
What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people?
Colum-bus.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows
an open countenance in the act of taking you in.
When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When
he hasn't paid for his wig.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a
bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the
second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the
fourth has a hairy parent.
When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him
nothing to take.
Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener
they come the longer they stay.
Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a
fellow feeling for another.
When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm muff in.
Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is
a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.
Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come
home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's
always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
bayonets, the other nets a bay.
What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One
baits his hook, the other hates his book.
What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables
to them? Quick and short.
What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man).
Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical).
What becomes every woman? A blush.
Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets?
Because they go two-two-two.
What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one?
The wedding-ring.
What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it.
What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.
Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
behind to settle.
Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills
are all over dew (overdue).
What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man
who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the
other is dined and sated.
What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That
recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he
threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.
How should love come to the door? With a ring.
If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he
name? Any money (anemone).
When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an
understanding between them.
Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the
muscles.
Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter
(support her).
Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good
for nothing.
What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father
(farther).
When is love deformed? When it is all on one side.
Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you
see from pole to pole.
What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax.
Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory.
Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three
and carries one.
Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash.
What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear.
Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in
water.
Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green.
What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it
up.
What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet
which you often give up? A conundrum.
What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's
son? His daughter.
If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is
his grandfather.
When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it.
Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it
for him.
When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists.
What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the
water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head.
How many peas in a pint? One.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means.
Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his
calves there.
Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a
cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).
What is it that every man overlooks? His nose.
Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because
they have eyes to see what they are doing.
What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull?
"Blow the horns!"
Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but
only what comes between them.
What have feet and walk not? Stoves.
What have eyes and see not? Potatoes.
What have noses but smell not? Teapots.
What have hands but work not? Clocks.
What have mouths but eat not? Rivers.
What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks.
What have tongues but talk not? Wagons.
Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us.
What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow.
What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great
pull.
If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the
quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose.
If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the
table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks
round.
Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle).
Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself.
Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the
largest head.
When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a
meadow.
What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives
milk and the other gives whey (way).
What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip.
When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has
her hands where her feet ought to be.
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
airy-nought (aeronaut).
Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out.
Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness?
Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar).
What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta
percha).
Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The
crane.
Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances?
Because they are always on cord (encored).
What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y;
for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other,
are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to
look out of, while the former looks out for mankind.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a
little Indian in it.
What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A
fountain.
Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
it is easier to preach than to practice.
Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane).
Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round
the waste (waist).
Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent
disturbance.
What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).
Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms.
Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen?
Because they live by hook and by crook.
What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary
birds.
What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane.
Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery.
Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great.
Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid.
Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel
(kernel).
Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full.
What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part.
Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked.
Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark.
What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque).
Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable
is reasonable after _t_.
Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing.
Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand.
What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.
What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish.
What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy.
What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to
dress, the other dresses to kill.
Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two
fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three;
how was this? He had two--and one smelt.
If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton
of coal come to? To ashes.
Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because
he's always on the strike for wages.
Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup?
Because it is a liquidation of stock.
Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never
wants one.
What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
has feeling, the other is felt.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars.
What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of
black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New
York.
Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?
Because the cabman always drives over your head.
Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is
uttered but not allowed.
Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear.
What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out.
Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good
retort.
Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting
affection.
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One
is hard up and the other soft down.
What comes after cheese? Mouse.
Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his
policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view.
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes
a roll in bed.
When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).
Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.
Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because
she's a-mounting (a mountain).
Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does
write (right) by itself.
Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex?
Because they are the weaker vessels.
At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable
kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.
What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve
ounces in one pound.
What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.
What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded
vessel? Because he runs a-ground.
Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the
mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.
Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he
frequently slows down.
Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race
course? Because there is always a bettor.
When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.
What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never
existed, and still has a name? Nothing.
Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?
Because it is matchless.
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by
the directions of strangers.
What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no
use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.
Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes
around doing good.
Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows)
everything.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because
he's got one to wag.
What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides
a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.
When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.
When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked.
When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late
(a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and
cannon-eers.
Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.
Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the
sooner it is put out the better.
When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).
What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
What trade is more than full? Fuller.
Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it
is an invisible force.
When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass.
Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).
What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
The drum.
What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet
feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to
come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent
to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no
resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.
Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his
peas and coos.
When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing
(teething).
Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?
Because it is about to enter the ministry.
What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.
When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale
(pail).
When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).
What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is
for-bidding.
When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field
(a wry).
What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.
Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because
they are always on the watch.
Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is
a foul proceeding.
What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to
be pitted by the small-pox.
What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks.
What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids.
What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
satisfaction."
Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half.
Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by
falling due (dew).
What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss.
What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.
Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a
hiding of the son (sun).
When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end.
Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful
actress? Because she's the leading lady.
Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he
offers a horn to every one he meets.
When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns.
How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail.
What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass.
Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he
is silent.
Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it
reduces the speed of autos.
Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always
pursuing his studies.
Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear
lawn dresses (were laundresses).
Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain
may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman).
If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two
in the shade.
What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A
portrait.
What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark.
What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly
gone).
Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney.
Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding.
How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated.
At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of
paint.
Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon
with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set
before him.
Why is a book like a king? It has many pages.
What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth.
What fruit is on a cent? A date.
Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer
they cling.
Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater
the ruin.
ECHOES
What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light.
What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations.
Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake
her.