CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD
Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in
one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other
Washington was bound to defend the army.
Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the
seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it
breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A.
Lincoln) to history.
Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United
States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).
Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter?
Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which
an unusual amount of interest is attached.
Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers?
Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their
return.
Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he
governs by Can(n)on Law.
Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it
will not dissolve.
Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers'
vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).
Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the
product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.
Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put?
Beaure-guard.
Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for
ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.
Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city
employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping
the streets.
In what relation does the President of the United States stand to
Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).
Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our
Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone.
Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse
to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much
"cheek" already.
Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is
the author of "Great Expectations."
Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are
for privateers (private ears).
Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L.
Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge.
Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because
he looks to Seward (seaward).
How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to
_enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States.
Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by
deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors.
Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's
mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it.
Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any
other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of
secession and the end of Jeff Davis.
Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of
regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be
receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard).
Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end.
Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other
State? Because she has sent even her Banks.
Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before
Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in
strong for the Union.
Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern
Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede).
Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she
has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.
What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy
and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan).
What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the
enemy.
Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated.
Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters.
Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles.
What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India?
The season which brings the monsoon.
How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because
she gives her countenance to it.
Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston?
Because they are well hooped.
How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet.
Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
even passable.
Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it
rains hard.
Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled
bosoms.