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THE HANDBOOK
OF
CONUNDRUMS
BY
EDITH B. ORDWAY
Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and
"Synonyms and Antonyms."
NEW YORK
GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
Copyright, 1914, by
SULLY and KLEINTEICH
Copyright, 1915, by
SULLY and KLEINTEICH
All rights reserved
PRINTED IN U. S. A.
PREFACE
This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits.
It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of
broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the
best steel of fancy.
Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of
remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for
the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn.
There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface.
Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to
cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that
between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit
of laughter only and the wit of insight.
E. B. O.
INTRODUCTION
A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to
which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint
expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated
riddle and the impromptu pun.
With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of
likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was
carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting
into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is
the logical product.
The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be
witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds
have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an
impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to
fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for
thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course.
The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and,
while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote,
is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of
wit which enlighten and cheer.
The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect
in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess
riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of
this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very
high,--often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a
contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of
the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in
competition with the god Odin.
So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves
herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles.
Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played
with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked
on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from
death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle.
The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and
this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher
intelligence which makes for wisdom.
Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the
strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which
the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the
Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out
of the strong came forth sweetness."
Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of
wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in
his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that
Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more
ready with them than with repartees."
The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek
mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the
body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon
a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to
all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but
killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and
their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city.
Oedipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had
shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the
city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him
the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet,
at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Oedipus replied,
"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks
erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx
thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans
made Oedipus king.
[1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art"
(Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).
There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and
Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with
vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we
caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept."
Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs
the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?"
The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave
no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and
legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The
voice."
The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in
"The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were
written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern
sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some
of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.
In the early half of the seventeenth century there were published
several small books, which contain the sources of many of the
conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together
by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books"
(London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630,
1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and
approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle
is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these
books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a
considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright
sayings of the day.
The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English
Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of
these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to
discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is
notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn
de Worde in 1511, namely:
"_Demaund._ How many straws go to a goose's nest?
"_A._ None, for lack of feet.
Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through
the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in
different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and
conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The
following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful
young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The
ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the
class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having
requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled
by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn"
(_Vicissim_, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled.
When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court
Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little
Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the
Archbishop.
Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many
changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An
example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum
as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5:
_Clown._ Good madonna, why mournest thou?
_Olivia._ Good fool, for my brother's death.
_Clown._ I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
_Olivia._ I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
_Clown._ The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul
being in heaven.
While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of
the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked
pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names
of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at
once judges and prisoners at the bar.
Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis
of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any
subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the
King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder.
The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and
the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He
was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion,
not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the
inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown":
"They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell."
A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the
best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of
equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide.
Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form
of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he
could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man
under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied
Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship."
The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury
Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined
at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be
"very sharp set."
The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in
regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to
expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the
stile (style)."
From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum,
which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a
general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly
constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by
negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new
analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile
in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to
historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and
places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the
humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten.
There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a
period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than
anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period,
or those that center around a great event, would make most
illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often
more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have
been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians,
said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of
Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of
posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as
from that of the contemporary chroniclers.
John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one
of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the
forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the
dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the
publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had
many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt
that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe
assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations
of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make
increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author
here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as
well as from the unpublished current wit of the day.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 7
Chapter Page
I. EARLY ENGLISH WIT 1
II. MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS 18
III. BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS 20
IV. HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS 30
V. CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD 38
VI. GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS 44
VII. LITERARY CONUNDRUMS 52
VIII. CONUNDRUMS OF THE ALPHABET 60
IX. GENERAL CONUNDRUMS 73
X. CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS 183
CHAPTER I
EARLY ENGLISH WIT
In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter,
the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present
day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is
adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.
* * * * *
A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he
answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.
A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to
keep his lawyer warm.
"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep
the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the
defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might
perhaps fall together by the ears."
A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The
servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows
than such hard words.
What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost
every book?[2]
[2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches,
Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind,
and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's
plays were written by _Mr. Preface_ or _Mr. Finis_.
A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go
handsome in their clothes.
An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as
Dutchmen do cheese.
It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are
mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but
action."
A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon
tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body.
One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found
him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.
A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put
away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."
It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of
handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either
of them shall die a beggar."
Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because
the first woman was made of a crooked thing.
One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least
was to be chosen."
A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his
profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of
Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of
mad men, and he would give it to them again.
The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is
"nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets
his living."
"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had
founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know
that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders
(co-founders) of that hospital you speak of."
It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by
the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.
A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked
that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.
Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted
with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a
deeper knowledge of it than any others.
"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he
be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."
"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun,
for he hath always many irons in the fire."
The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it
the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit,"
embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."
Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than
other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have
extraordinary reach.
Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at
rest.
It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to
learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help
themselves.
Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their
business without a rule.
A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do
with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or
anything else.
Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims
it; if ill, the earth covers it.
A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part
them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and
wife."
Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would
never be stifled with fire and smoke.
Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do
anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).
Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never
think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to
their vices.
It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never
says anything that he can stand to.
"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will,
though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are
still stable men."
A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates
him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems
what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he
truly is.
Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as
content in rags as in robes.
"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate
upon their backs.
An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he
undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient
shall see he does it.
He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before
he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a
pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are
always employed in mending soles.
A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the
reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could
not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her
spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended
herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great
cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way
home reeling.
An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under
his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For,"
he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all
the sextons in the town."
A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from
which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion
laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a
stone swim.
One who had received a threat that another would break his head with
a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a
stone."
A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who
had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the
sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to
visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to
hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as
well as any man."
A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the
proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was
for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the
gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had
promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his
promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.
"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a
farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a
great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth
anything at all."
A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what
business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great
importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am
afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider.
"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."
Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill
or bond? I O U.
Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are
now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the
masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."
A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and
came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the
peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?"
"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had
lost your senses, that you talk so idly."
One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of
St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are
these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir,"
said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."
A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown
paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown
study.
"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the
soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are
sure to be beaten."
Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.
How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.
Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a
silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over
that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the
matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it,
yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.
One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the
name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long
grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than
that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves
that he had made.
A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was
ever after called "Master W."
One was wondering why the people of AEthiopia did not write straight
along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote
under the line, and that was the reason of it.
A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that
he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which
he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way
to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill
could never dye well.
What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.
An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble
enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness
when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an
apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.
What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a
playhouse? A box.
One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the
streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It
was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly
meet with a watch as with anything else.
One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's
clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told
him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.
A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the
ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him
the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great
fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."
The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that
prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.
A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and
called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none,
and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.
A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that
country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the
river, for it came without calling.
A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to
London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came
furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at
the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground,
exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up
the stones, and let the dogs loose!"
A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah,
if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or
else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank
your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to
be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."
A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by
his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied.
"Do you not see that I am becalmed?"
Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I
answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied
that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted
for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing.
(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the
purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following
conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they
were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.
Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat
body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.
One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which
is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him
why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so
near heaven again.
What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the
devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.)
Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air.
What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary.
Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit
faults with license.
Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are
lunatic. (This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by
Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.)
It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were
not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the
reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year."
One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays"
(1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little
or no waste in a whole suit."
The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the
study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal.
A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse
toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at
full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the
way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you,
if he were as wild as the devil.'
"This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,
And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx,
But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3]
To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."
[3] Sufficient.