The Rev. Dudley Vallance was "squarson" of Lant with Lant-Hanger, in the
county of Brackenshire, England.
Know, O reader, unversed in the compound mysteries of Mr Lewis Carroll,
that the above is a contraction of the words squire-parson.
On the face of this assertion it is perhaps superfluous to state that
the Rev. Dudley was a manifest failure in both capacities--superfluous
because if this is not invariably the rule under similar circumstances,
the exceptions are so rare as to be well-nigh phenomenal.
As squire he was a failure, for he had a pettifogging mind. He was not
averse to an occasional bit of sharp practice in his dealings, which
would have been creditable to an attorney after the order of Quirk,
Gammon, and Snap. Moreover, he was lacking in geniality, and for field
sports he cared not a rush.
As parson he was a failure; for so intent was he upon the things of this
world that he had neither time nor inclination to inspire his
parishioners with any particular hankering after the things of the next.
Now this need not seem strange, or even severe, since the fiat has gone
forth from the lips of the highest of authorities--"Ye cannot serve God
and Mammon."
In aspect the Rev. Dudley was tall and lank. He had a very long nose
and a very long beard. Furthermore, he had rather shifty eyes and a
normally absent manner. When not absent-minded, the latter was suave
and purring. His age was about fifty.
In the matter of progeny he was blessed with a fair quiverful--eight to
wit--of whom seven were daughters. His spouse was nothing if not fully
alive to a sense of her position. This she imagined to consist mainly
in a passion for precedence, gossip, cliquerie, and deft mischief-making
at secondhand. If she fell short in one thing it was in that aggressive
and domineering fussiness habitually inseparable from the type, but this
was only because she lacked the requisite energy. Howbeit, she never
forgot that she was "Squarsina" of Lant with Lant-Hanger--if we may be
allowed to coin a word. This was not wholly unnecessary, for others
were wont to lose sight of the fact.
Lant Hall--commonly abbreviated to Lant--the abode of the Vallances, was
rather an ugly house; squat, staringly modern, and hideously embattled
in sham castellated style. But it was charmingly situated--dropped, as
it were, upon the side of a hill, whose vivid green slope, falling to a
large sheet of ornamental water, was alive with the branching antlers of
many deer. Overshadowing the house lay a steep wooded acclivity--or
hanger--at one end of which lay the village, whence the name of the
latter. "A sweetly pretty, peaceful spot," gushed the visitor, or the
tourist driving through it; "a nook to end one's days in!"
Scenically, the prospect was enchanting. On the one hand, line upon
line of wooded hills fed the eye as far as that organ cared to roam, on
the other, softly undulating pastures, with snug farmhouses and peeping
cottages here and there. Skirting the village on one side, the limpid
waters of the Lant sparkled and swirled beneath the old grey bridge--
which bore the Vallance arms--and then plunged on, to lose themselves in
a mile of dark fir wood, where the big trout lay and fattened. A lovely
champaign, in sooth; small wonder that the aesthetic stranger should be
smitten with a desire to end his days in so sweet a spot.
But this sweet spot had its disadvantages. It was frightfully out of
the way, being five miles from the nearest railway station, and that on
a branch line. The necessaries of life were only to be obtained with
difficulty, and farm and dairy produce was expensive, and in supply,
precarious. There was one butcher, and no baker, and a post-office
chiefly noteworthy for the blundering wherewith Her Majesty's mails were
received and dispensed. Moreover, the Brackenshire folk were not of a
particularly pleasant rustic type. They were very "independent," which
is to say they did what seemed right in their own eyes, irrespective of
such little matters as honesty or square dealing. They were, as a rule,
incapable of speaking the truth, except accidentally, and they had very
long tongues. Suffice it briefly to say, they excelled in the low and
sordid cunning which usually characterises the simple-hearted rustic of
whatever county.
The Rev. Dudley Vallance had a shibboleth which he never wearied of
pronouncing. This was it:--County Society.
Now, at Lant-Hanger this article, within anything like the accepted
meaning of the term, did not exist.
It was a crying want, and like all such so capable, it must be supplied.
Our "squarson" set to work to supply it by a simple device. He went
into bricks and mortar.
His jerry-built "bijou residences," and tinkered-up rustic cottages soon
let, and let comfortably--for him. Not so for the tenants, however, for
the honest Brackenshire craftsmen "did" their employer most thoroughly,
and the luckless householders found themselves let in for all sorts of
horrors they had never bargained for. Thus the Rev. Dudley "did" as he
was "done." But he got his "County Society."
This, at the period with which we have to deal, in the year of grace
1875, consisted of a sprinkling of maiden ladies and clergymen's
relicts, who leased the delectable dwellings aforesaid; a retired
jerry-builder, who knew better than to do anything of the kind; the
village doctor; a few neighbouring vicars of infinitesimal intellect; a
couple of squireens evolved from three generations of farmers, and,
lastly, Mr Santorex of Elmcote; all of whom, with the notable exception
of the last-named, constituted an array of satellites revolving round
the centre planet, the Rev. Dudley himself.
The Lant property, though comparatively small, was a snug possession.
Aesthetically a fair domain, it was all of it good land, and the five to
six thousand acres composing it all let well. Wholly unencumbered by
mortgages or annuity charges, it was estimated to bring in about 7,000
pounds a year, so that in reckoning the present incumbent a fortunate
man, the neighbourhood was not far wrong. There were, however,
half-forgotten hints, which the said neighbourhood would now and again
let drop--hints not exactly to the credit of the present squire. For it
was well known that the Rev. Dudley had inherited Lant from his uncle,
not his father, and that this uncle's son was still living.