(_With the British Army in France._)
It was the Societe Grand Guignol de Cinema's busy day. On the beach at
Petiteville cameras were rattling away like machine guns, orders from the
producer were hissing through the air with the vicious hum of explosive
bullets, and weary supers were marching and counter-marching in a state of
hopeless apathy.
At the very height of these operations Chippo Munks wandered into the
camera barrage and got firmly entangled in the picture. As "crowd in
background" was indicated by the scenario, the producer refrained from
killing Chippo out of hand--in fact he invited his co-operation for another
crowd a little later on. Thus it was that Chippo earned the right to
describe himself as a "fillum actor," with licence to speak familiarly of
his colleagues, CHARLES CHAPLIN and MARY PICKFORD, and full powers to pose
as the ultimate authority of the camp whenever cinemas were mentioned.
At the Cafe des Promeneurs it was generally assumed that Chippo was merely
waiting for a fat contract from the Societe Grand Guignol, and pending its
arrival he explained that he was constructing a suitable scenario.
"The public," he said, "is fed up with Texas rancheros in Anzac 'ats and
antimacassar trousers playing poker dice with one 'and and keeping a
sustained burst of rapid fire against their opponents with the other. They
wants something true to life. Now, my fillum opens at the Cafe de l'Avenir,
where a stout old British soldier runs a Crown an' Anchor board at personal
loss, but 'appy in the knowledge that 'e is amusing his comrades."
"The same answering to the name of Chippo Munks?" interjected Chris Jones.
"The name on the programme is _Reginald Denvers_," said Chippo firmly.
"Acrost the way, at the Cafe de la Vache Noire, a drunken unprincipled
gambler named _Jim Blaney_--which you will also reckernise is an
alias--regularly pockets the pay of 'is fellow-soldiers under pretence of a
square deal at banker an' pontoon. One night, 'aving sucked 'is victims dry
for the time being and also largely taken 'is cawfee _avec_, _Blaney_ goes
acrost to the Avenir an' sets 'is stall out there. _Reginald_ remonstrates.
"'I'm the Great White Chief in this 'ostelry,' says he, 'an' we don't want
no three-card-trick sharks butting in.'
"'My modest shrinking vi'let,' says _Blaney_, 'I'll play where I blinking
well please.'
"_Reginald_ thereupon remarks that sooner than allow 'is innocent patrons
to be swindled by a six-fingered thimblerigging son of a confidence
trickster 'e'd start in an' expose 'im.
"At this point _Blaney_ swears to be revenged, an' there is a hinterval of
a minute while the next part of the fillum is bein' prepared.
"The following scene shows _Blaney_ all poshed up and busy trying to worm
'is way into the confidence of _Suzanne_ (the daughter of the _patron_ of
the Cafe de l'Avenir), who cherishes a secret passion for _Reginald_. 'E
kids 'er to drop the contents of a white packet into _Reginald's vang
blanc_, telling her it's a love lotion--I should say potion--that will gain
'er _Reginald's_ everlasting affections. _Reggie_, being thirsty, scoffs
off the whole issue an' finds to his dismay that 'is voice 'as been
completely destroyed. That's a thrilling situation, Chris, a _professeur
de_ Crown an' Anchor not being able to do his patter."
[Illustration: A LEVY ON PATRIOTISM.]
"'E might as well shut up shop right away," agreed Chris.
"Jest so. _Reginald_ rushes after _Blaney_ and tells him off good an'
proper----"
"'Ow could 'e when 'e'd lorst his voice?" asked Chris.
"Oh! burn it. This is a fillum drama. 'E sees 'is extensive _clientele_
drifting away to the Vache Noire an' _Blaney_ getting so rich 'e can afford
Beaune an' eggs an' chips for 'is supper every night. In the interests of
the misguided victims _Reginald_ tells the Military Police that drinking
goes on during prohibited hours at the Vache Noire, an' gets the place put
out of bounds. All the speckerlaters thereupon return to the Avenir, an'
Part II. finishes with _Reginald_ recovering 'is voice an' carolling
'Little Billy Fair-play, all the way from 'Olloway' while he rakes in the
shekels with both hands and feet."
"I'm getting the 'ang of this a bit," said Chris; "I recollect there was a
chap named Slaney as once did you down on a deal, an' I remember a
red-'aired girl at the Avenir. But all this talk about love lotions and
voice dope gets me guessing."
"A fillum drama that's true to life ain't bound to be absolutely true as to
facts. The trimmings is extra. We opens next with a little slow music an'
_Jim Blaney_ meeting _Reginald_ an' telling 'im 'e 's reformed an' given up
gambling. Instead 'e's running a very respectable football sweep, the prize
to be given to the one as draws the team that scores most goals, an' 'e
offers _Reginald_ a commission an' a seat on the drawing committee if he'll
recommend it amongst 'is clients. Such is 'is plausibleness that 'e even
sells _Suzanne_ a ticket, though she's not rightly sure if Aston Villa is a
race-horse or a lottery number. _Reginald_, however, suspects treachery.
"'Take your breath reg'ler,' 'e says, or makes movements to that effect.
'The matches for this sweep is played on Saturday, an' I seems to recollect
that you an' a lot of the crowd is due for demob on Wednesday, an' I'm
going for leave on Tuesday. What guarantee 'ave we that you weigh out
before you go?'
"'I pays out _immediatemong_ on receipt of the Sunday papers, which will be
Sunday night," says _Blaney_. 'That's good enough, ain't it?'
"_Reginald_ therefore invests an' participates in the drawing, though still
a bit doubtful. 'Is fears is justified, for on Friday night, 'aving got all
the money, _Blaney_ steps outside the _estaminay_ an' hits a Military
Police over the ear."
"Whatever for?" asked Chris. "The War's over."
"That's a mystery; but the mystery is solved when they 'ear that _Blaney_
'as gone to clink to do ten days F.P. No. 2.
"''E's just gauged it to a nicety,' says someone; ''e won't come out till
we're demobbed, an' 'e'll be orf before _Reginald_ gets back from leave.'
"It's 'ere the finest scene in the fillum ought to 'appen. Imagine a crowd
of defrauded an' infuriated soldiery, led by _Reginald_, marching up to the
F.P. compound and demanding that the miserable _Blaney_ an' their stakes
should be 'anded over to them.
"'Never!' says the Provost-Sergeant, twirling his moustaches to needle
points.
"'As a sportsman I appeal to you,' says _Reginald_, 'or we'll wreck the
blinkin' compound.'
[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_to dentist_). "BE CAREFUL, WON'T YOU? I'M DREFFLY
TICKLISH."]
"'I'll not give him up while I have breath in my body,' says the
Provost-Sergeant. 'I've drawn Chelsea in the sweep.'
"Then should ensue the gloriousest shemozzle that ever was; but this scene
is spoiled by some miserable perisher who says it ain't worth while making
a rough house till they know who's won. What really happens is that they
wait till the Sunday papers arrive, when it is found _Suzanne_ 'as won the
sweep, 'er 'aving drawn Sunderland, what was top-scorer with seven goals.
"It is then that _Reginald's_ noble nature shows itself. Instead of telling
'er that she's won an' then disappointing 'er by saying the prize money is
in custody, 'e buys 'er ticket for 'alf-price. Then 'e goes to the compound
an' bribes the sentry to let 'im talk to _Blaney_ through the barbed wire.
"'There's the winning ticket, _Blaney_,' 'e says; 'now pay out.'
"'Pay out?' says _Blaney_, grinning hideously. 'Why, what do you think I
got into clink for?'
"And the end comes with _Reginald_ stalking 'elplessly outside the wire,
an' _Blaney_ laughing an' taunting 'im from inside."
"I don't think much of it," said Chris critically. "I know that Slaney--'im
what you call _Blaney_--did actually do you down real proper, but as a
fillum it ain't a good ending."
"P'r'aps it ain't--as it stands," admitted Chippo, "but when I'm
demobilized--when _Reginald_ is demobilized, I should say, an' 'e 'appens
to meet that _Jim Blaney_ there'll be the finest fillum finish that's ever
been released, if the police don't interfere."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Informative Visitor_ (_member of party viewing sights of
London_). "'ERE Y'ARE, BOYS. ON OUR LEFT IS THE STATOO OF THE FAMOUS
SINGER, ALBERT 'ALL, AND ON THE RIGHT WE 'AVE THE KENSINGTON GAS WORKS."]
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