How curious that our youngest boy, aged fifteen months, should have
already become partially paralysed, and be afflicted, besides, with
anæmia, rickets, and growing inability to digest the smallest particle
of food!
If it were not that we procure our milk from the "Hygienic Unskimmed
Lacteal Fluid and Food for Babes Company, Limited," I should begin to
believe that there might be something wrong with the beverage which
forms the staple of his infantile dietary.
The Company professes to sell milk "pure from the cow." From the quality
of this morning's supply, I should be inclined to fancy that that cow is
suffering from an advanced stage of atrophy.
As our eldest child, aged two-and-a-half, is still totally unable to
walk, and its legs have become mere shrivelled sticks, I really must
call in an Analyst to test our milk.
Heavens! The Analyst reports that more than half the cream has been
"separated"--which seems to mean removed--and that its place has been
supplied by "65 per cent. of impure water."
Under these circumstances, I hardly think that the fine of five
shillings, and half-a-crown costs, which the Magistrate has inflicted on
the Company, quite meets the justice of the case, or will be sufficient
to stop such adulteration in the future.
* * * * *
Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope.
Went BUFFALO BILL to see the Pope pass by.
Then were the Cow-boys cowed by the POPE'S eye,
With which, like many an English-speaking glutton,
They'd often met, and fastened on, in mutton.
The difference vast at once they did espy,
Betwixt a sheep's eye and a Leo's eye.
Says Shiney WILLIAM to himself, "I'm blest!"
And so he was, and so were all the rest.
* * * * *
FROM A NAUTICAL INQUIRER.--"Please, Sir, what's the uniform of an
Admiral of the 'Bouillon Fleet'? I see this Fleet advertised, but have
been unable to obtain any information about it at the Admiralty, where I
have called repeatedly to make inquiries." [Consult "The First Lord!"
The first lord you meet will do.--ED.]
* * * * *
"GRENADIERS TO THE FRONT!"
I must confess, my dear Editor, I was greatly gratified at your
gracefully recognising my twenty years' service, spent in the defence of
my QUEEN and my country (in the Militia), by asking me to be present at
the initial performance of the Guards Burlesque Company of _Fra Diavolo_
in the Theatre Royal, Recreation Room, Chelsea Barracks, S.W.
The place was not entirely new to me. Last year it had been my good
fortune to see _Ivanhoe_, with Mr. NUGENT in the principal character--a
gallant and talented gentleman, who was, alas! conspicuous by his
absence on the present occasion. I was given to understand that this
year the Grenadiers were ordered "to the front," and that the command
had been obeyed, the list of the _Dramatis Personæ_ amply proved.
The music was admirably selected by Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, the "_Baker
Roll_" from _Pickwick_ going capitally. The scenery, by the Hon. ARNOLD
KEPPEL (late Scots Guards), was good, and "the writing up to date," by
Mr. YARDLEY (never to be forgotten on the field of cricket), was better.
For the rest, I may say that the Guards' Burlesque Company, from a
theatrical professional stand-point, were hardly "Gaiety form," but, as
amateurs, they were simply magnificent. There was no supper--but this is
a detail. Yours sincerely,