_Jack Parker ("was a cruel boy, For mischief was his sole employ." Vide_
Miss JANE TAYLOR.)
_Miss Lydia Banks ("though very young, Will never do what's rude or
wrong."--Ditto.)_
_Farmer Banks_ } By the Brothers GRIFFITHS.
_Farmer Banks's Bull_ }
_Chorus of Farm Hands._
SCENE--_A Farmyard._ R. _a stall, from which the head of the Bull is
visible above the half-door. Enter_ Farmer BANKS _with a cudgel_.
[Illustration]
_Farmer B. (moodily)._
When roots are quiet, and cereals are dull,
I vent my irritation on the Bull.
[_We have_ Miss TAYLOR'S _own authority for this rhyme_.
Come hup, you beast! (_Opens stall and flourishes cudgel--the Bull comes
forward with an air of deliberate defiance._)
Oh, turning narsty, is he?
(_Apologetically, to Bull._)
Another time will do! I see you're busy!
[_The Bull, after some consideration, decides to accept this
retractation, and retreats with dignity to his stall, the door of which
he carefully fastens after him. Exit_ Farmer BANKS, L., _as_ LYDIA
BANKS _enters_ R., _accompanied by Chorus. The Bull exhibits the
liveliest interest in her proceedings, as he looks on, with his
forelegs folded easily upon the top of the door._
_Song_--LYDIA BANKS (_in Polka time._)
I'm the child by Miss JANE TAYLOR sung;
Unnaturally good for one so young--
A pattern for the people that I go among,
With my moral little tags on the tip of my tongue,
And I often feel afraid that I shan't live long,
For I never do a thing that's rude or wrong!
_Chorus (to which the Bull beats time)._
As a general rule, one _doesn't_ live long,
If you never do a thing that's rude or wrong!
_Second Verse._
My words are all with wisdom fraught,
To make polite replies I've sought;
And learned by independent thought,
That a pinafore, inked, is good for nought.
So wonderfully well have I been taught,
That I turn my toes as children ought!
_Chorus (to which the Bull dances)._
This moral lesson she's been taught--
She turns her toes as children ought!
_Lydia (sweetly)._ Yes, I'm the Farmer's daughter--LYDIA BANKS;
No person ever caught me playing pranks!
I'm loved by all the live-stock on the farm,
[_Ironical applause from the Bull._
Pigeons I've plucked will perch upon my arm,
And pigs at my approach sit up and beg,
[_Business by Bull._
For me the partial Peacock saves his egg,
No sheep e'er snaps if I attempt to touch her,
Lambs like it when I lead them to the butcher!
Each morn I milk my rams beneath the shed,
While rabbits flutter twittering round my head,
And, as befits a dairy-farmer's daughter,
What milk I get I supplement with water,
[_A huge Shadow is thrown on the road outside_; LYDIA _starts_.
Whose shadow is it makes the highway darker?
That bullet head! those ears! it is----JACK PARKER!
[_Chord. The Chorus flee in dismay, as_ JACK _enters with a reckless
swagger_.
_Song_--JACK PARKER.
I'm loafing about, and I very much doubt if my excellent Ma is aware
that I'm out;
My time I employ in attempts to annoy, and I'm not what
you'd call an agreeable boy!
I shoe the cats with walnut-shells;
Tin cans to curs I tie;
Ring furious knells at front-door bells--
Then round the corner fly!
'Neath donkeys' tails I fasten furze,
Or timid horsemen scare;
If chance occurs,
I stock with burrs
My little Sister's hair!
[_The Bull shakes his head reprovingly._
Such tricks give me joy without any alloy,--
but they do not denote an agreeable boy!
[_As_ JACK PARKER _concludes, the Bull ducks cautiously below the
half-door, while_ LYDIA _conceals herself behind the pump_, L.C.
_Jack (wandering about Stage, discontentedly)._
I thought at least there'd be some beasts to badger here!
Call this a farm--there ain't a blooming spadger here!
[_Approaches stall--Bull raises head suddenly._
A bull! This is a lark I've long awaited!
He's in a stable, so he should be baited.
[_The Bull shows symptoms of acute depression at this jeu de
mot_; LYDIA _comes forward indignantly_.
_Lydia._ I _can't_ stand by and see that poor bull suffer!
Excitement's sure to make his beef taste tougher!
[_The Bull emphatically corroborates this statement._
Be warned by Miss JANE TAYLOR; fractured skulls
Invariably come from teasing bulls!
So let that door alone, nor lift the latchet;
For if the bull gets out--why, then you'll catch it!
_Jack._ A fractured skull? Yah, don't believe a word of it!
[_Raises latchet: chord; Bull comes slowly out, and crouches
ominously._ JACK _retreats and takes refuge on top of pump; the Bull,
after scratching his back with his off foreleg, makes a sudden dash
at_ LYDIA.
_Lydia (as she evades it)_, Here, help!--it's chasing.
Me!--it's too absurd of it.
[_The Bull intimates that he is acting from a deep sense of duty._
_Lydia (impatiently)._ You stupid thing, you're ruining the moral!
[_The Bull persists obstinately in his pursuit._
_Jack (from top of pump)._ Well dodged, Miss BANKS! although the Bull
I'll back!
[_Enter Farm-hands_.
_Lydia._ Come quick--this Bull's mistaking me for JACK!
_Jack._ He knows his business best, I shouldn't wonder.
_Farm-hands (philosophically)._ He ain't the sort o' Bull to make a
blunder.
[_They look on._
_Lydia (panting)._ Such violent exercise will soon exhaust me!
[_The Bull comes behind her._
Oh, Bull, it is unkind of you ... you've _tossed_ me!
[_Falls on ground, while the Bull stands over her, in
readiness to give the coup de grace_; LYDIA _calls for help_.
_A Farm-hand (encouragingly)._ Nay, Miss, he seems moor sensible nor
surly--
He knows as how good children perish early!
[_The Bull nods in acknowledgment that he is at last understood, and
slaps his chest with his forelegs._
_Lydia._ Bull, I'll turn naughty, if you'll but be lenient!
Goodness, I see, is sometimes inconvenient.
I promise you henceforth I'll _try_, at any rate,
To act like children who are unregenerate!
[_The Bull, after turning this over, decides to accept a compromise._
_Jack._ And, LYDIA, when you ready for a lark are,
Just give a chyhike to your friend--JACK PARKER!
[_They shake hands warmly._