MR. LENOX'S YOUNG BROTHER
Mr. Lenox's young brother met the party on the Oxford platform. He was
accompanied by two of his friends, who were dressed in grey flannels
and straw hats, and were smoking very large and beautiful pipes. Mr.
Lenox's young brother introduced these friends as Fizzy and Shrimp, and
then they packed themselves into three hansoms and drove off.
Mr. Lenox's young brother led the way with Janet and Mary. Fizzy (at
least, Hester thought it was Fizzy, but it may have been Shrimp) came
next with Hester, Horace, and Gregory; and then came Shrimp (unless it
was Fizzy) with Robert and Jack.
Oxford hansoms are the worst in the world, but seldom has a ride been
more delightful. The three hosts pointed out the colleges as they
passed, until they came, far too soon, to the Mitre, where they were to
sleep.
"Now take your things upstairs and make sure where your rooms are, and
tidy up if you want to," said Mr. Lenox's young brother, "and then hop
down, and we'll take you to see the caravan, and show you about a
little, and perhaps go on the river; and in the evening we're going to
have supper in my rooms. Fizzy's going to conjure, and perhaps we'll
have charades."
These words made tidying up an even simpler matter than usual, and the
party started off.
Kink, it seems, had reached Oxford that morning, and was at the Green
Man, where the Slowcoach was an object of extraordinary interest to the
neighbourhood. They found him seated on the top step reading the paper,
while forty-five children (at least) stared at him. Diogenes lay at the
foot of the steps.
Kink was very glad to see them. No, he said, he hadn't had any
adventures exactly, but driving a caravan was no work for a modest man
who wished for a quiet life among vegetables.
"This," he said, waving his pipe at the increasing crowd, "is nothing.
You should have see them at Beaconsfield and High Wycombe. They began
by thinking I was Lord John Sanger, and when they were satisfied that I
wasn't, they made sure I was a Cheap Jack with gold watches for a
shilling each."
"How does it go, Kink?" Robert asked.
"It goes all right," said Kink, "but the crockery wants muffling. You
can't hear yourself think when you trot."
"And Diogenes?"
"Diogenes," said Kink, "is a masterpiece. He begins to growl at tramps
when they're half a mile away. Why is it, I wonder," Kink added, "that
dogs can't abide ragged clothes? This Oxford, they tell me, is a clever
place. I wonder if anyone here can explain that?"
Mr. Lenox's young brother and his friends had now to be shown the
Slowcoach, which they pronounced "top hole," and then Moses was
inspected in his stable; and, this being done, they were ready for the
river--or, rather, for the ices at a pastrycook's shop in the High
Street--called the High--which were, to precede the river.
Then they all trooped down to the boats and had a perfect hour's
rowing; and then they explored Oxford a little, and saw Tom Quad at
Christ Church (or "The House," as it is called), and were shown the
rooms in which the author of "Alice in Wonderland" lived for so many
years; and so right up through the city to Magdalen Grove, where the
deer live, and Magdalen Tower, on the top of which the May Day carols
are sung.
Mr. Lenox's young brother lived in rooms outside his college; he would
not enter the college until next term. They were in Oriel Lane, and
exceedingly comfortable, with at least twenty pipes in a pipe-rack on
the wall, and at least thirty photographs of his favourite actresses,
chiefly Pauline Chase, and five cricket-bats in the corner, and about
forty walking-sticks, and a large number of puzzles of the "Pigs in
Clover" type, which nearly drove Gregory mad while supper was being
prepared.
The preparation consisted merely of the entrance of one man after
another carrying silver dishes; for everything was cold, although
exceedingly sumptuous and solid. There were chickens all covered with a
beautiful thick whitewash, on which little hearts and stars cut out of
truffles were sprinkled. There was a tongue all over varnish, like the
dainty foot of a giant Cinderella. There were custards and tarts and
jellies. There were also bottles exactly like champagne bottles, which,
however, contained ginger ale, and for Mr. Lenox's young brother and
his friends there were silver tankards of beer. It was, in short, not a
supper, but, as Mary Rotheram expressed it, using her favourite
adjective at the moment, a supreme banquet.
Then another friend, with spectacles, called the Snarker, came in, and
they began. Mr. Lenox's young brother was a very attentive host, and
made everyone eat too much. Then he made a speech to propose the health
of the Slowcoaches, as he called them, and to wish them a prosperous
journey. "That you will all be happy," he said, very gravely, in
conclusion, "is our earnest wish. But the one thing which my friends
and I desire more than any other--and I assure you that they are with
me most cordially in this sentiment (aren't you, Fizzy? aren't you,
Shrimp? aren't you, Snarker?)--the one thing that we desire more than
any other is, that you may never be run in for exceeding the speed
limit." This was a very successful joke.
After supper came Fizzy's conjuring tricks, which were not very
bewildering to children who had once had a real conjurer from the
Stores, as these had, and then a charade played by Mary, Horace, Fizzy,
and Shrimp for the others to guess.
The first act represented a motorist (Fizzy) who ran over and killed an
old woman (Mary), and was arrested by a policeman (Horace), and fined
eighteenpence by a magistrate (Shrimp).
The second was a cockney scene in which two costers (Fizzy and Shrimp)
took their girls (Mary and Horace) to Hampstead Heath to 'ave fun.
The third was Henry VIII. (Shrimp) receiving Anne of Cleves (Fizzy) and
her Maid of Honour (Mary), and telling Wolsey (Horace) to prepare the
divorce, because she was a "great Flanders mare."
You see the whole word, of course--Car-'ave-Anne.
Finally the Snarker said that they must play one writing game before
they went home. The Snarker, it seemed, came from a family which was
devoted to writing games, and had even made improvements in
"Consequences," which is, when you all know each other extremely well,
the best writing game of all. But among strangers, as the Snarker
explained, it was not so good, because they can't understand the jokes
against uncles and aunts.
They did not, therefore, play "Consequences," but instead wrote what
the Snarker called "composite stories." That is to say, they each took
a large sheet of paper and began at the top a story, writing as much as
they could in two minutes. Then the paper was passed on, and the story
continued by the next person, until all had had one turn. Then the
original beginners each finished his story, and they were read out.
As there were eleven playing, this meant there were eleven stories; but
I will copy only one of them. (Janet kept the papers, or I should not
be able to do that.)
This is the one which was begun by Hester, who liked to be serious and
mysterious in her work, and was almost vexed when others turned it to
nonsense. She called it "The Secret of the Castle," and began it like
this:
"It was a dark and gloomy night in the year 1135, when the young Lord
Almeric reached his impressive and ancestral home. Nothing could be
heard but the sighing of the wind in the turrets and the moaning of
Boris, the great wolfhound. Lord Almeric had ridden far, and was tired,
and the gloominess of his ancestral home weighed on his spirits, which
were naturally buoyant and high. Flinging himself from his gaily
comparisoned horse, and tossing the rein with a muttered, 'Here,
varlet!' to the waiting groom, he opened the massive doors and entered
the hall. What was his amazement to see--"
"Time!" called the Snarker, who had his watch before him, and Hester
had to stop.
Gregory came next. His idea of the game was not very clear, to begin
with, and he had some difficulty in reading what was written, so he was
able to write very little, and that not too helpfully. He therefore
wrote words that were always near his heart:
"--a flying-machine."
and that was all.
Then came Janet. Always wishing to be kind and make things easy, she
longed to get the story back into the spirit and period of poor little
romantic Hester's opening passages. But Gregory had spoiled everything.
Janet, however, did her best:
"The young lord drew back with a start, for he could hardly believe his
eyes.
"'What,' he exclaimed, 'is this strange mixture of wires and wings? Can
my father's astrologer have really done it at last after all these
fruitless years? He must indeed have been busy since I rode forth to
battle. Eftsoons, do I dream or wake?' He touched the strange thing
cautiously, but it did not bite, and gradually there came upon him an
exceeding desire to fly. 'By my halidom,' he cried, 'I will e'en
inquire further into this mystery--'"
Next came Fizzy, who was bent on being funny at any cost. He wrote:
"--as the man said, sticking his fork into the German sausage. 'What
ho, my merry minions, help!' he cried; 'let us draw forth the areoplane
into the home meadow, for I would fain experiment with it. A lord is no
lord unless he can daunt the swallow and the pigeon. So saying, he rang
the alarm-bell, which was only kept for fires and burglaries, and
summoned the household. 'A murrain on ye for being so pestilent slow!'
he shouted. 'Gadsooth, ye knaves! let loose the petrol, or I soar not
into the zenith.'"
Then came Mary, who naturally had no patience with nonsense. She
ignored Fizzy's contribution completely, and got back to romance:
"Meanwhile, seated in her room in the home turret sat the lovely Lady
Elfrida, the picture of woe. Why did her lord tarry? Had she not heard
him ride into the courtyard and give his palfrey to the waiting serf?
Yet where was he? He was to spring up the stairs lightly as a roebuck
of the mountains to welcome her, and now where was he? Little did she
guess--"
Here Shrimp took the paper and wrote:
"--that a brand-new monoplane was blocking up the stairs, so big that
not a roebuck on earth could jump it. But what of the secret of the
castle? Was that the secret? No. Why did the wind shriek and the
deerhound moan? If you would know this, reader, come with me down the
dungeon steps and unbar yonder dark door. For there in the dark recess
of that terrible cell lay--"
The Shrimp, even although time had not been called, was very glad to
leave off here. Robert took the paper. He read the narrative as well as
he could, and added these words:
"But I cannot bring my pen to write the word. It was a secret; indeed,
the secret of the castle. No wonder that the dog moaned and the wind
howled and the Lady Elfrida grieved."
The Snarker, who, after all, had begun the wretched game, and whose
duty it was, therefore, to pull this ruin of a story together again,
ought to have played fair; but instead he went back to what Fizzy had
called an "areoplane," spelling not being taught at Oxford. He
therefore wrote:
"And meanwhile, what of the aeroplane? Fortunately, the night was
short, and there was soon enough light by which to fly, and in a brief
time the seneschals and myrmidons had the great machine in the midst of
the tourney-ground, all ready for flight. Lord Almeric seated himself
and grasped the lever. A firm push from the willing arms of a hundred
carles and hinds, and he was in the air. 'Ah,' he cried, 'odds bodkins,
this is indeed life! Never have I felt such sensations. I will never
walk or ride again. I will sell my motorcar and my horses and my boots.
Flying is for me for ever!"'
Jack now took the paper:
"Lord Almeric was always a very clever man, and it was nothing to him
that he had never flown before. He had studied the pictures of the
flying men in the illustrated papers while waiting at the dentist's,
and he knew the principles of mechanics. No wonder, then, that he flew
with perfect control, circling the home turret, where the Lady Elfrida
was still weeping, with the greatest ease, and calling to her messages
of comfort, which--"
Here the Snarker called "Time!" again, and Mr. Lenox's young brother
took the paper:
"--she could not hear. 'Come down, good lord, or of a verity thou wilt
fall and crack thy coxcomb!' shouted the major-domo from beneath; but
the intrepid Almeric heeded not the warning, and only rose higher and
higher, nearer and nearer to the stars. And then, suddenly, there was
an awful shriek, and his body was seen to be hurtling steadily and
surely towards the earth, gaining speed with every revolution. 'Help,
help!' they cried; 'he must be dashed to pieces; nothing can save him.'
But at that moment--"
Here Horace had to go on. He was not a literary boy, and it took him
more than one minute to read all that had gone before. All he could
therefore add was:
"--he woke up. 'Where am I?' he said. 'You have fallen out of bed,'
said Lady Elfrida."
Poor Hester! her face was a picture of perplexity and indignation when
she came to read the story all through. There was clearly no sensible
ending possible, and she therefore merely wrote:
"Not to this day has the secret of the Castle been solved, but visitors
are still shown, on payment of a shilling each, the place where Lord
Almeric dreamed he fell from a flying-machine in the year 1135."
And then Mr. Lenox's young brother and his friends took them back to
the Mitre, and said good-night.