_Sept_. 5, 1892.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The reason (which I confide to your ear, and yours
alone) is obvious--the girls don't, and apparently _won't_ propose.
Of course they ought--what else do we have Leap Year for? Take my own
case. I am genuinely in love with ETHEL TRINKERTON, who has just been
staying with us in the country for three weeks. She has paid me every
kind of attention. In our neighbourhood, if A. carries B.'s umbrella,
where A. and B. are of opposite sexes, it is regarded as an informal,
though perfectly definite way of announcing an approaching engagement.
She knew the custom, and _carried mine on no less than three
occasions_. (It is entirely beside the point that it rained heavily
each time.) Yet she left us yesterday without an approach to a
proposal. She's fair enough herself, but is her conduct? It isn't
as if I hadn't given her enough chances. It cost me a small fortune
to bribe my small brother to keep away; and, time after time, I've
consented to sit alone with her in the summer-house. It isn't as
if she couldn't afford it. They tell me she has at least a thousand
a-year in her own right (whatever that may be), which would do
capitally. I happen to be penniless myself; but, as I heard her say,
her idea of marriage was the union of "soul to soul," my want of a few
paltry pence could hardly matter. It's particularly humiliating for
me, as, after the repeated umbrella-carrying, everybody here thinks
it's all settled. That, _Mr. Punch_, is the reason why, at any rate,
_one_ young man doesn't marry.
Yours, thoroughly aggrieved, BERTIE COOL-CHEEK,
_Pickleton-in-the-Marsh, Kent_.
P.S.--If ETHEL really didn't understand her position, and would like
to reopen the matter, I would not be haughty about it.--B. C-C.
DEAR, KIND, GOOD MR. PUNCH,--The reason is obvious--the men don't and
won't propose to the right girls. Take my own case. I've just stayed
three weeks with the COOL-CHEEKS, and felt quite certain BERTIE would
have proposed. He had all the symptoms badly. I saw him give his
little brother half-a-crown to go indoors for ten minutes, and the way
he _would_ go in the summer-house and for long walks--with _me_--made
it quite clear (as I thought) what was going to happen. Yet, he let
me come away without a word! I'm sure _I_ don't want to run after him
(or anybody else), but I _did_ think he meant something. We suited
one another admirably. In fact, if he doesn't ask _me_ with all the
opportunities he had, he'd ask no one.
Yours, just-a-little-disappointed, ETHEL TRINKERTON,
_The Thorns, Bayswater._
P.S.--He carried my umbrella almost hourly--and you know what
_that_ means. If BERTIE was only nervous, and would like another
chance--well, we are always at home on Sunday afternoons.--E.T.
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[Illustration: A REAL CONVERT.
_Local Preacher_ (_giving an account to the Vicar of the Parish of a
dispute he has had with the Leading Lights of his Sect_). "YES, SIR,
AFTER TREATMENT THE LIKES O' THAT, I SAYS TO 'EM, 'FOR THE FUTURE,'
SAYS I, 'I CHUCKS UP ALL RELIGION, AND I GOES TO CHURCH!'"]
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