No. III.--REALISATION.
SCENE--_Theatre Royal, Blankbury, on the first night of
the performance of the well-known Comedy of_ "Heads or
Tails?" _by the "Thespian Perambulators." Time_, 7:50
P.M. _A "brilliant and fashionable assemblage" is
gradually filling the house. In the Stalls are many
distinguished Amateurs of both Sexes, including_ Lady
SURBITON, _who has brought her husband_ and Mrs.
GAGMORE (Lady SURBITON'S _particular friend_). _The
rest of the Stalls are occupied by the immediate
friends and relations of the Actors. A few professional
Critics are to be seen. They are addressed with much
politeness by the Amateurs in front of the House, and
"played to" with feverish anxiety by the Amateurs on
the Stage. The Orchestra is composed of excellent
Amateur Musicians. The Curtain has not yet risen._
_Lady Surbiton_ (_to_ Mrs. GAGMORE). My dear, it's a wonder we ever got
here. CHARLES of course forgot the date, and told me only yesterday he'd
invited some men to stay for a shoot. He had to listen to reason, though,
and so we spent all yesterday sending telegrams to put them off. I've been
at every performance of The Thespians for years, and it wouldn't do to
begin missing them now, would it?
[Illustration]
_Mrs. Gagmore._ Certainly not, dear, it would have been quite a calamity.
There's the Duchess of MIDDLESEX nodding to you.
_Lady S._ So it is. (_Smiles sweetly at the Duchess, who is sitting three
rows off._) I call it scandalous of her to come out like this when both her
twins have got the measles. Did I tell you I lent Mr. SPINKS my pet parrot,
Penelope, for this performance?
_Mrs. G._ No, dear. I didn't know they ever played it with a parrot.
_Lady S._ Well, they don't usually, but Mr. SPINKS told me that, after
studying the piece very very carefully, he had come to the conclusion that
there ought to be a parrot in _Lady Shorthorn's_ drawing-room, and he
begged me to lend him mine. Fortunately it scarcely ever talks. Oh, there's
Mr. PENFOLD! How old he's getting to look. He never seems to have a good
word to say for anyone in his critiques. They're very late in beginning. I
hope nothing has happened to Penelope. Ah! at last.
_The Orchestra strikes up. After a few minutes the
Curtain rises on "the Drawing-room at Bullivant Court."
Sc. 1, Act 1._ HARRY HALL, _in livery as_ JOHN _the
Footman, is reclining on a sofa, reading a magazine.
Penelope, in her cage, is a conspicuous object on the_
O.P. _side_.
_John_ (_yawning_). "Nothink in the _Fortnightly_, as per usual. Heigh-ho!
This is slow work. Who's that?"
_Enter_ BELINDA, _the Nursery-maid. The usual amatory
scene follows. They both disappear, as_ TIFFINGTON
SPINKS _enters made up as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _with a
saffron complexion, a grey moustache, a red tie and an
iron-grey wig. He shivers. A great deal of preliminary
applause. He bows with dignity, conscious of his fame,
and proceeds._
_Col. Debenham._ "Ugh! how horribly cold this is. I shall have to speak
seriously to SHORTHORN about the state of his fires."
_Penelope the Parrot_ (_suddenly and with terrible distinctness_). "Old
fool!" [_A titter from the irreverent._ SPINKS _pays no heed to the
interruption._
_Lady Surbiton._ How awful! I declare I haven't heard Penelope speak for
six months. I hope to heaven she won't do it again.
_Mrs. Gagmore._ I thought it sounded so natural.
_Lord S._ So it did, that's why it was so out of place. He's getting on all
right now, though.
_Col. Debenham_ (_concluding a peppery soliloquy_). "And as for Lady
SHORTHORN and that spiteful cat of a sister of hers, all I can say of TOM
DEBENHAM is----"
_Penelope_ (_loudly_). "Old fool!"
[_Whistles up and down the scale. Much laughter._
SPINKS _feels that violent measures are necessary if
the piece is not to be utterly ruined. He perceives_
JARP _standing at the wings made up as_ BINNS _the
Butler. A happy thought flashes on him. He nods
meaningly at_ JARP.
_Col. Debenham_ (_improvising gag_). "Oh, confound that bird! I must have
it removed. I'll ring for the butler."
[_Rings. Enter_ JARP _as_ BINNS.
_Binns._ "'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would
like----"
_Spinks_ (_in a whisper of concentrated fury to_ JARP). Not yet; take that
infernal parrot away, quick!
_Jarp_ (_loses his head; still the Butler is strong within him_). "'Er
Ladyship is served!"
_Spinks_ (_aloud_). "Oh, nonsense--nonsense, man! You're an idiot. Here,
take this bird, and kill it!"
[_Seizes cage, thrusts it into the flustered_ JARP'S
_arms, and pushes him off, the Parrot, horribly
frightened, yelling, "Old fool!"_
_Lady Surbiton._ How dare he speak of Penelope in that way? Kill her! If
Mr. JARP so much as lays a finger upon her----
_Lord S._ She'll bite him. Oh, you may make your mind quite easy about that
parrot. She's bitten every finger of mine to the bone, and I'm certain
she's quite equal to defending herself against JARP.
_The Act proceeds without any further hitch, until_
BELINDA _wheels on her double perambulator containing
two red-headed infants, one of whom is terrified into
tears and calls for "Father!" in a shrill voice. After
this everything, however, goes well, and the Curtain
falls amidst thunders of applause._