Culchard cannot be "Happy with Either."
SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hotel Grande Bretagne,
Bellagio._ CULCHARD _is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged
in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of
smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near
them is another visitor, a_ MR. CRAWLEY STRUTT, _who is
watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._
MRS. HURLINGHAM. Well, she'll _be_ Lady Chesepare some day, when
anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we
were down at Skympings last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_,
poor dears! Lady Driblett lets them have her house in Park Lane for
parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all!
COLONEL SANDOWN. He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come
across the Senlacs anywhere? Thought Lady Senlac was going abroad this
year.
MR. CRAWLEY STRUTT. Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_
that her Ladyship had----
MRS. HURL. (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's just
been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. Not what
I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her _sister_ wasn't
pretty till she married.
COL. SAND. Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old Lord
Bletherham, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd
dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' the chemist
all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they
did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like
that--fond of the vine!
MR. C. S. Er--her--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way our
aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not?
[Illustration: "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ACQUAINTED WITH A PAPER CALLED
THE 'PENNY PATRICIAN'?"]
COL. S. Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a paper
for days.
MR. C. S. I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general goings
on. I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the _Penny
Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal supporter
of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the revelations I
read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright _blush_ for them!
[MRS. HURLINGHAM _retires_.
COL. S. Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own
blushin', and save my pennies.
MR. C. S. (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_
the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, do
you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord
Goslington's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to
marry--who _are_ her people now?
COL. S. Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know.
MR. C. S. There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the business
of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best blood of the
nation is not----(COL. S. _turns into the hotel_; MR. C. S. _sits down
near_ CULCH.)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying here, Sir! My
chief objection to travel always is, that it brings you in contact with
parties you wouldn't think of associating with at home. I was making
that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow I met on the
steamer--er--Lord Uppersole, I think it was--and he entirely concurred.
Your friend made us acquainted.--(PODBURY _comes out of the
hotel_.)--Ah, here _is_ your friend,--(_To_ PODB.)--Seen his Lordship
about lately, Sir?--Lord Uppersole I _mean_, of course!
PODB. Uppersole? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe.
MR. C. S. A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea
myself of----Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so
completely the gentleman!
PODB. Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a
title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it.
MR. C. S. _He_ may, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be treated
in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to force me
into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir!
[_He goes._
PODB. Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him "Lord
Uppersole"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going up to
the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon.
CULCH. I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going?
[_With a shade of anxiety._
PODB. I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. Hypatia won't have
the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss Trotter have had a bit of a
breeze.
CULCH. I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the----
PODB. Yes, Hypatia's rather uneasy about poor old Bob; thinks Miss
Trotter is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little
flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(C. _disclaims impatiently_.) Here
you all are, eh?--(_To_ MISS P., MISS T., _and_ BOB.)--Well, who knows
the way up to the villa?
MISS T. It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you
can't miss it. But Mr. Prendergast is going to show me a short cut up
behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. Prendergast?
MISS P. (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we all
kept together--for so _many_ reasons!
CULCH. (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss Prendergast. A short cut is
invariably the most indirect route.
MISS P. (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. Culchard says, my dear
Maud? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run.
MISS T. It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry glad
to observe that you and Mr. Culchard are so perfectly harmonious, as I'm
leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, Mr.
Prendergast? [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._
A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI.
PODB. (_considerately, to_ CULCHARD, _who is following_ MISS PRENDERGAST
_and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss Prendergast
would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about keeping with
us if you'd rather _not_, you know! [CULCHARD _murmurs an inarticulate
protest_.
MISS P. Surely, Mr. Podbury, you are aware by this time that Mr.
Culchard has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice!
[CULCHARD _drops behind, crushed_.
AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL.
CULCH. (_who has managed to overtake_ MISS T. _and her companion_). Now
_do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards Lecco. I
particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those
cliffs--it's well worth your while.
MISS T. Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. Oh,
you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you afraid if
you go around patting the scenery on the head this way, you'll have the
lake overflow?
BOB P. Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, Culchard!
CULCH. (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm
without laying oneself open----?
MISS T. Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your
enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman!
CULCH. (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_
coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without
some ridiculous distortion----
MISS T. My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel like
you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. Culchard?
[CULCHARD _falls back to the rear once more. Later_--MR. VAN
BOODELER _has joined the party_; HYPATIA _has contrived to
detach her brother_. CULCHARD _has sought refuge with_ PODBURY.
MISS T. (_to_ VAN B.). So that's what kept you? Well, it sounds just too
enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss Prendergast will say to
it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety.
MR. VAN B. I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of that
kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming lady,
Maud. She produces that impression upon me.
MISS T. I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest in
the great Amurrcan novel?
MR. VAN B. Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees all
its possibilities.
MISS T. And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd
better tell her your plan right now.
MISS P. (_in an earnest undertone to_ BOB, _as they approach, followed
by_ CULCH. _and_ POD.). You _must_ try and be sensible about it, Bob; if
_you_ are too blind to see that she is only----
BOB (_sulkily_). All _right!_ Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good
of _jawing_ about it?
MR. V. B. (_to_ MISS P.). I've been telling my cousin I've been
organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, mandolins,
Menaggio. If you find the alliteration has any attractions, I hope you
and your brother will do me the pleasure of----
MISS P. I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We find
we shall have to leave early to-morrow.
[VAN B.'s _face falls_; BOB _listens gloomily to_ MISS T.'s
_rather perfunctory expressions of regret_; PODBURY _looks
anxious and undecided_; CULCHARD _does his best to control an
unseemly joy_.