On revient Toujours!
SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso, above Lake
Lugano._ CULCHARD, _who, with a crowd of other excursionists, has made
the ascent by rail, is toiling up the steep and very slippery slope to
the summit._
CULCH. (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I thought
this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian all
over--hem--as Podbury would say! Wonder, by the way, if he expected to
be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing myself like
that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, Hypatia, if you could know what a
dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I who believed
you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!
A VOICE BEHIND. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up! How've
_you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. Culchard?
CULCH. (_turning_). Miss Trotter! A most delightful and--er--unexpected
meeting, indeed!
MISS TROTTER. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've
taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind
of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what
he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_
hat. And are you still going around with Mr. Podbury? As inseparable as
ever, I presume?
CULCH. Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling
together--only, on this particular afternoon----
MISS T. He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray considerable
over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see _you_ anyway.
And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had a pretty good
yield of sonnets?
CULCH. (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier. She might
show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were almost, if not
quite----(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm afraid I have not
been very--er--prolific of late.
MISS T. You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for
every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.
CULCH. Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark. My
light has been--er--lacking of late.
MISS T. If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right
away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en
sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_
C.'S _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus?_
CULCH. (_politely_). Mr. Trotter is the only relation of yours I have
had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.
MISS T. Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's
relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our national
humorous literature?
CULCH. I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous
literature of _any_ nation.
MISS T. I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you mind
_me_, Mr. Culchard. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this panorama
they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any side-show. It's just a
real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every
prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down
below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and there's
Poppa around on the top too.
_On the top. Tourists discovered making more or less appropriate
remarks._
[Illustration: STRUGGLING WITH A LONG PRINTED PANORAMA.]
FIRST TOURIST (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps
like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte
Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn----
[_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to everybody's
relief, his panorama escapes into space._
SECOND T. (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_). How
wonderfully small everything looks down below!
THIRD T. (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_). Yes,
dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for; but as I was telling
you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical service, so
that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite _friendly_ of
course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and all that. Still,
I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles in broad
_daylight_----(_&c., &c._)
FOURTH T. (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show up
well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark, Sir, I went
to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for a chop.
And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the plate all
around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork into that
chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out was--there,
it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from that instant,
Sir, I kinder realized the peculiar charm of your British chop.
FIFTH T. (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is nod
glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I look
all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint me in
ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, and
altogedder I do not vish I had com.
MISS T. (_presenting_ CULCHARD _to_ MR. CYRUS K. T.). I guess you've met
_this_ gentleman before!
MR. T. Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him again
all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased to see
him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road all the
way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain't made the most of
_our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin; had two hours
and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about making a more
pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw round Vi-enna. I
did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey and see that. But I
guess Turkey 'll have to keep till next time. Then back again into
Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a fancy to Switzerland.
I'd like to have put in more time there, and we stayed best part of a
week too! But Italy's an interesting place. Yes, I'm getting
considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got. There's Geneva
now----
MISS T. You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And you
don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. Culchard this way. You'd
better go and bring Mr. Van Boodeler along; he's round somewhere.
MR. T. I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut down,
Maud, I'll shut down.
MISS T. Oh, there you are, Charley! Come right here, and be introduced
to Mr. Culchard. He's a vurry intelligent man. My cousin, Mr. Charles
Van Boodeler,--Mr. Culchard. Mr. Van Boodeler's intelligent too. He's
going to write our great National Amurrcan novel, soon as ever he has
time for it. That's so, isn't it?
MR. V. B. (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a
languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I have
long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting material,
and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write that novel.
And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I mean to make
it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and complicated
civilization from State to State and from shore to shore. [CULCHARD
_bows vaguely_.
MISS T. Yes, and the great Amurrcan public are going to rise up in their
millions and boom it. Only I don't believe they'd better start booming
just yet, till there's something more than covers to that novel. And how
you're going to collect material for an Amurrcan novel, flying round
Europe, just beats _me_!
MR. V. B. (_with superiority_). Because you don't realize that it's
precisely in Europe that I find my best American types. Our citizens
show up better against a European background,--it excites and stimulates
their nationality, so to speak. And again, with a big subject like mine,
you want to step back to get the proper focus. Now I'm _stepping_ back.
MISS T. I guess it's more like skipping, Charley. But so long as you're
having a good time! And here's Mr. Culchard will fix you up some sonnets
for headings to the chapters. You needn't begin _right_ away, Mr.
Culchard; I guess there's no hurry. But we get talking and _talking_,
and never look at anything. I don't call it encouraging the scenery, and
that's a fact!
MR. T. (_later, to_ CULCHARD). And you're pretty comfortable at your
hotel? Well, I dunno, after all, what there is to keep _us_ here. I
guess we'll go down again and stop at Lugano, eh, Maud?
[CULCHARD _eagerly awaits her reply_.
MISS T. I declare! After bringing all my trunks way up here! But I'd
just as soon move down as not; they're not unpacked any. (_Joy of_ C.)
Seems a pity, too, after engaging rooms here. And they looked real nice.
Mr. Culchard, don't you and Mr. Podbury want to come up here and take
them? They've a perfectly splendid view, and then we could have yours,
you know! (C. _cannot conceal his chagrin at this suggestion_.) Well,
see here, Poppa, we'll go along and try if we can't square the
hotel-clerk and get our baggage on the cars again, and then we'll see
just how we feel about it. I'm purrfectly indifferent either way.
CULCH. (_to himself, as he follows_). Can she be really as indifferent
as she seems? I'm afraid she has very little heart! But if only she can
be induced to go back to Lugano.... She will be at the same hotel--a
great point! I wish that fellow Van Boodeler wasn't coming too,
though.... Not that they've settled to come at all yet!... Still, I
fancy she likes the idea.... She'll come--if I don't appear too anxious
about it!
[_He walks on, trying to whistle carelessly._