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THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS _BY THE SAME AUTHOR._
VOCES POPULI. Reprinted from _Punch_. With 20 Illustrations by
J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE. First Series, Fcap. 4to., 5_s._ Second
Series (_in preparation_).
THE BLACK POODLE, AND OTHER STORIES. Crown 8vo., 2_s._ boards;
2_s._ 6_d._ cloth.
LONDON: LONGMANS, GREEN AND CO.
[Illustration: "I GUESS YOU'RE THE MOST UNSELFISH SAINT ON TWO LEGS!"]
THE
TRAVELLING COMPANIONS
A Story in Scenes
[_Reprinted from "Punch"_]
BY F. ANSTEY
AUTHOR OF "VICE VERSA," "VOCES POPULI," ETC. ETC.
_WITH TWENTY-SIX ILLUSTRATIONS_ BY J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE
LONDON LONGMANS, GREEN, AND CO. AND NEW YORK: 15 EAST 16th STREET
1892
[_All rights reserved_]
RICHARD CLAY & SONS, LIMITED, LONDON & BUNGAY.
CONTENTS
EXTREMES MEET 1
PODBURY PICKS UP ACQUAINTANCES 7
CULCHARD COMES OUT OF HIS SHELL 13
PODBURY IS UNPLEASANTLY SURPRISED 19
CULCHARD HAS THE BEST OF IT 25
CULCHARD MAKES A LITTLE MISCALCULATION 31
A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP 37
PODBURY FINDS CONSOLATION 43
CULCHARD IS RATHER TOO CLEVER 49
PODBURY INSISTS ON AN EXPLANATION 54
COURTSHIP ACCORDING TO MR. RUSKIN 60
CULCHARD DESCENDS FROM THE CLOUDS 65
ON REVIENT TOUJOURS 71
MISS BANQUO 77
CULCHARD COMES OUT NOBLY 83
CULCHARD FEELS SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE 89
CULCHARD CANNOT BE "HAPPY WITH EITHER" 94
A SUSPENSION OF HOSTILITIES 100
CRUMPLED ROSELEAVES 106
PUT NOT YOUR FAITH IN FIDIBUS 112
WEARING RUE WITH A DIFFERENCE 118
ONE MAN'S MEAT; ANOTHER MAN'S POISON 124
PEARLS AND PIGS 130
THE PILGRIMS OF LOVE 135
JOURNEYS END IN LOVERS' MEETING 141 PODBURY KISSES THE ROD 147
ILLUSTRATIONS
"YES, SIR" 3
"WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WERE MY TUTOR" 11
"LEESTEN, I DELL YOU VONCE MORE" 17
"I PRESUME, THOUGH, HE SLEPT BAD, NIGHTS" 22
MR. CYRUS K. TROTTER DISCUSSING NEW YORK HOTELS 26
"GOOD HEAVENS, IT--IT'S GONE!" 33
"PUTS ME IN MIND O' THE BEST PART O' BOX 'ILL" 39
"ER--I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE PHILOSOPHICAL WORK I MENTIONED" 46
PODBURY GRAPPLING WITH THE EPITOME OF SPENCER 50
THE CURATE GETS UP AND QUITS THE ROOM WITH DIGNITY 57
"IT DOES SEEM RATHER ROUGH ON FELLOWS, DON'T YOU KNOW" 63
AN ELDERLY ENGLISHWOMAN IS SITTING ON HER TRUNK 66
STRUGGLING WITH A LONG PRINTED PANORAMA 73
"HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ME!" 79
"I KNOCK OFF QUITE A NUMBER OF THESE WHILE I'M ABROAD LIKE THIS" 84
"BOUND TO TEACH YOU A LOT, SEEING ALL THE OLD ALTAR-PIECES I DO!" 90
"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ACQUAINTED WITH A PAPER CALLED THE 'PENNY
PATRICIAN'?" 95
SHE PASSES ON WITH HER CHIN IN THE AIR! 101
"BELLISSIMO SCULTORE!" 107 "HI! OTEZ-MOI CECI!" 113
"I GUESS YOU WANT TO COLOGNE _YOUR_ CHEEKS--THEY'RE DREADFUL
LUMPY" 120
"I GUESS YOU'RE THE MOST UNSELFISH SAINT ON TWO LEGS!" 127
A SOLEMN GENTLEMAN STRUGGLING WITH A TROUBLESOME COUGH 132
"A MEAN CUSS? ME! REALLY--!" 137
HYPATIA, BY JOVE! NARROW SHAVE THAT! 143
READS WITH A GRADUALLY LENGTHENING COUNTENANCE 150
THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS
CHAPTER I.
_Extremes Meet._
SCENE--_An Excursion Agent's Offices. Behind the counters
polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending
Tourists, all asking questions at once._
FIRST INTENDING TOURIST. Here--have you made out that estimate for me
yet?
CLERK. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over innumerable
books, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins; reduces them to
English money, and adds them up._) First class fares on the Rhine,
Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, and
postwagen?
FIRST INT. T. I did say so, I believe; but you had better make it second
class all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to.
[_The_ CLERK _alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._
CLERK. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you out
the tickets now?
FIRST INT. T. Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of your
short Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I decide.
[_The_ CLERK _hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he retires._
_Enter_ MR. CLARENDON CULCHARD, _age about twenty-eight; in
Somerset House; tall; wears glasses, stoops slightly, dresses
carefully, though his tall hat is of the last fashion but two.
He looks about him expectantly, and then sits down to wait._
CULCHARD (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to keep
an appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts whether
he is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution to ask
Hugh Rose about him, and Rose said he was the best company in the world,
and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think Rose would
deceive me. And from all I've seen of Podbury, he seems a pleasant
fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to
seek it in as many directions--with what success no one can predict.
There's an idea for a sonnet there.
[_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when a----"_
AN AMURRCAN CITIZEN (_to_ CLERK). See here, I've been around with your
tickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods at a
store there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to send 'em
on for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never heard any
more of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to instruct your
representative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with that man, and
ask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint that he'll hev
the Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he don't look slippier!
[_The_ CLERK _mildly suggests that it would be better to communicate
directly with the American Consulate, or with the tradesman
himself._
THE A. C. But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp, when I've
lost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you mail a few
particulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No? (_Disappointed._)
Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; in
my country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, _Sir_!
[_He goes away in grieved surprise._
_Enter_ MR. JAMES PODBURY, _age twenty-six; in a City Office;
short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut dark hair. Not having
been to the City to-day, he is wearing light tweeds, and brown
boots._
[Illustration: Yes, Sir]
PODBURY (_to himself_). Just nicked it--(_looks at clock_)--more or
less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit
it off together. Hughie Rose said he was a capital good chap--when you
once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad with a
fellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees_ CULCHARD _absorbed in his
note-book_.) So _here_ you are, eh?
CULCH. (_slightly scandalized by the tweeds and the brown boots_). Yes,
I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to come
before, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to go
thoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets.
[_He produces an elaborate outline._
PODB. (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_ go! All
I want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the rest to
you. I'll sit here while you get the tickets.
AN OLD LADY (_to_ CLERK, _as_ CULCHARD _is waiting at the counter_). Oh,
I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1.55 train from
Calais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and where
they examine the luggage, and if I can leave my hand-bag in the
carriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and is
it held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are the
sittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?
[_The_ CLERK _sets her mind free on as many of these points as he can,
and then attends to_ CULCHARD.
CULCH. (_returning to_ PODBURY _with two cases bulging with books of
coloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your eye
over them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind.
PODB. (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take your
word for it.
CULCH. No--but considering that we start the first thing to-morrow
morning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where you're going?
And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent to keep your
tickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep mine, with my
money, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned flap--then
I know I _can't_ lose them.
PODB. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._) Dover to
Ostend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But why didn't
you go by Calais?--_shorter_, you know.
CULCH. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way to
Brussels.
PODB. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there? No? It
don't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they brought the
good news from? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time. Then--Brussels?
Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sightseeing, and that? I
like a place where you can moon about without being bothered myself;
now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only thinking.
CULCH. It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from.
Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg----
PODB. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh?
CULCH. I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint, and highly
interesting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to Constance, and
strike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes.
PODB. Italian Lakes? First-rate! Yes, _they're_ worth seeing, I suppose.
Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though?
CULCH. (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for Switzerland if
you prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more picturesque.
PODB. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not much to
do in Switzerland, though, after all!
CULCH. (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or two
mountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy.
PODB. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em. What do
you think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes--say in
France or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a rest, wouldn't it
be? such a bore having to know a lot of people!
CULCH. I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If you
like, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen.
PODB. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery?
CULCH. I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellow
countrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is not
overrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_.
PODB. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to Vienna?
Never seen Vienna.
CULCH. If you like to give up Italy altogether.
PODB. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back? Too
hot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I dare say it will
do well enough. So _that's_ settled!
CULCH. (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements concluded_). I
wish Rose had warned me that Podbury's habit of mind was so painfully
desultory. (_He sighs._) However----
PODB. (_to himself_). Wonder how long I shall take to get over
Culchard's manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old Hughie was coming--he'd give
me a leg over! [_He walks on thoughtfully._