Letter from Professor Hamilton Spence to his friend, John Rogers, M.D.
DEAR Bones: Chortle if you want to--your worst prognostications have
come true. The unexpectedness of the sciatic nerve, as set forth in
your parting discourse, has amply proved itself. The dashed thing is
all that you said of it--and more. It did not even permit me to
collapse gracefully--or to choose my public. Your other man had a
policeman, hadn't he?
Here I am, stranded upon a sofa from which I cannot get up and detained
indefinitely upon a mountain from which I cannot get down. My nurse (I
have a nurse) refuses to admit the mountain. She insists upon referring
to this dizzy height as "just above sea-level" and declares that the
precipitous ascent thereto is "a slight grade." Otherwise she is quite
sane.
But sanity is more than I feel justified in claiming for anyone else in
this household. There is Li Ho, for instance. Well, I'm not certain
about Li Ho. He may be Chinese-sane. My nurse says he is. But I have no
doubts at all about my host. He is so queer that I sometimes wonder if
he is not a figment. Perhaps I imagine him. If so, my imagination is
going strong. What I seem to see is a little old man in a frock coat so
long that his legs (like those of the Queen of Spain) are negligible.
He has a putty colored face (so blurred that I keep expecting him to
rub it out altogether), white hair, pale blue eyes--and an umbrella.
Yesterday, attempting to establish cordial relations, I asked him why
the umbrella. He had a fit right on the spot?
Let me explain about the fits. When his daughter just said, "Father
will have a fit," I thought she spoke in a Pickwickian sense, meaning,
"Father will experience annoyance." But when I heard him having it, I
realized that she had probably been quite literal. When father has a
fit he bangs his umbrella to the floor and jumps on it. Also he tears
his hair. I have seen the pieces.
I said to my nurse: "The mention of his umbrella seems to agitate your
father." She turned quite pale. "It does," she said. "I hope you
haven't mentioned it." I said that I had merely asked for information.
"And did you get it?" asked she. I said that I had--since it was
apparent that one has to carry an umbrella if one wishes to have it
handy to jump upon. She didn't laugh at all, and looked so withdrawn
that it was quite plain I need expect no elucidation from her.
I had to dismiss the subject altogether. But, later on, Li Ho (who
appears to partially approve of me) gave a curious side light on the
matter. At night as he was tucking me up safely (the sofa is slippery),
he said, "Honorable Boss got hole in head-top. Sun velly bad. Umblella
keep him off."
"But he carries it at night, too," I objected.
Li Ho wagged his parchment head. "Keep moon off all same. Moon muchy
more bad. Full moon find urn hole. Make Honorable Boss much klasy."
Remarkably lucid explanation--don't you think so? The "hole in head
top" is evidently Li Ho's picturesque figure for "mental vacuum."
Therefore I gather that our yellow brother suspects his honorable boss
of being weak-headed, a condition aggravated by the direct rays of the
sun and especially by the full moon. He may be right--though the old
man seems harmless enough. "Childlike and bland" describes him usually.
Though there are times when he looks at me with those pale eyes--and I
wish that I were not quite so helpless! He dislikes me. But I have
known quite sane people do that.
I am writing nonsense. One has to, with sciatica. I hope this
confounded leg lets me get some sleep tonight.
Yours,
B.
P.S.: Not exactly an ideal home for a young girl--is it?