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* * * * *
MAN AND WIVES.
A TRAVESTY.
By MOSE SKINNER.
CHAPTER SECOND.
LOVE.
The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP were interrupted in their
conversation by BELINDA, who sent off the former under pretence that the
croquet players were waiting for him, or, as she expressed it, it was
"his turn to mallet."
As soon as he was fairly out of sight, she turned to ARCHIBALD, and
said; "Come with me."
"What for?" said ARCHIBALD, as she seized him by the arm and hurried him
into the shrubbery. "Recollect," he added, "that I am an orphan, with a
constitution never robust."
She made no reply till they were screened from observation.
"You needn't be afraid, you little fool," she said. "Sit down on that
stump."
ARCHIBALD tremblingly obeyed her.
She imprisoned his fluttering hand in hers, and smoothed his hair
reassuringly.
"ARCHIE," she murmured; "_dear_ ARCHIE."
"Oh, don't, _don't_ talk that way," said ARCHIBALD. "You make me afraid
of you."
"Afraid!" she returned. "And of _me_? Oh cruel, cruel ARCHIBALD. Is it
for this that I have passed many a sleepless night, awaking unrefreshed
with haggard orbs? Is it for this that I've pined away and refused meat
victuals?"
She paused. Her heart was beating violently. She took from her pocket a
copy of the _Ledger_, adjusted her eye-glasses, and continued:
"ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, for weeks I have basked in the sunlight of your
existence. Your celestial smile, shedding a tranquil calm o'er my
perturbed spirit, has been my daily sustenance. Your ethereal form,
beautiful as an houri, has, with its subtle fascination, enthralled and
steeped in bliss my innermost soul, lifting me as it were into a purer,
a holier existence. Your--"
"Oh-h," moaned the wretched ARCHIBALD, "_please_ stop. That's COBB, Jr.
I _know_ it is. When I was sea-sick on the canal, they read a chapter to
me just like that, instead of giving me an emetic, and I was out of my
head all next day."
"But you _do_ love me, don't you, ARCHIBALD?--just a very small
fragment, you know."
She seized him by the ear and kissed him twice.
"Come, own up now," said she, "that from the first moment you saw me,
you have felt a sort of a spooney hankering, and a general looseness,
including a desire to write poetry and use hair-oil, and wear pretty
neckties; a sort of a feeling that your clothes don't fit you, and you
can't bear the sight of gravy, and dote on lavender kids, and want to
part your hair in the middle. _That's_ being in love, ARCHIE. That's--"
At this juncture voices were heard calling for ARCHIBALD.
"Oh, do, _do_ let me go," he pleaded.
BELINDA grasped him firmly by the collar. "Heaven knows," said she
impressively, "that I have wooed you thus far in a spirit of the most
delicate consideration. Now, I mean business, I want a husband, and by
the Sixteenth Amendment, you don't stir from this spot, until you
promise to marry me!"
"But--but--I don't want to get married," said ARCHIBALD; "I--I--ain't
old enough."
She glared at him menacingly.
"Am I to understand then," she shrieked, "that you dare refuse me?" And
she laughed hysterically.
"Oh, no, no. I wouldn't. Of course I wouldn't," groaned the ghastly
youth. "I'll promise _anything_, if you'll only let me go."
Thus it was, mid the hushed repose of that lovely June twilight, while
all Nature seemed to pronounce a sweet benediction, that these loving
hearts commingled. The soft hum of the June-bug seemed to have a sweeter
sound, and the little fly walked unmolested across their foreheads, for
they were betrothed.
CHAPTER THIRD.
WHERE THE WOODBINE TWINETH.
Notwithstanding the thrilling events enacted near by, that modest
production of Nature, the woodbine, still continued to twine in all its
pristine virginity. And meanwhile, JEFFRY MAULBOY is at the appointed
rendezvous, waiting for ANN BRUMMET.
She comes.
But why that glazed expression, and that convulsive twitching of the
lips?
She is chewing gum.
"Hilloa, JEFF," said she. "Mean thing. Been here a whole day, and not a
single word about my new overskirt. How does it hang behind?"
What reply does this cruel, this heartless man make?
He took a chew of tobacco, and said:
"Oh, bother your overskirt. Is that the 'something very particular' you
wanted to see me for?"
"Oh no," she replied; "I forgot." She looked cautiously round, and
added:
"Say, JEFF, folks are talking about us awfully."
"Let 'em talk," was the rejoinder.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Of course _you_ don't care. The more a man is
talked about the better he likes it, and the more he's thought of. But
it's death to a woman."
"Well, I don't care any way," said JEFFRY.
"Yes you do care too," she replied. S'posen it should get to the ears of
that rich widow you're engaged to. 'Twould be all up with you _there_,
sure, JEFF. She ain't burdened with principle, the Lord knows, but she's
got jealousy enough to break the match short off, and kill you besides,
if she hears of it.
"And she'll hear of it anyhow, if they keep up their infernal clack,"
said he fiercely. "I'd like to choke the whole confounded pack."
"The talk would all die out," said ANN slowly, "if I should go away."
"Any fool can see that," replied he. "What do you mean?"
"I've been thinking of going," she continued, "for six months. I'm a
poor relation, and Mrs. LADLE hates me. And as for BELINDA, she has so
many good clothes, I can't take any comfort seeing her round."
"Where to?" inquired JEFFRY incredulously.
"Oh, anywhere," she replied. "I can dance a jig, you know. I'll go to
New York, and let myself as the 'Eminent and Graceful Queen of
Terpsichore, imported from Paris at a cost of Forty Thousand Dollars in
Gold.' And then I'll make a tour of the New England States. Or I'll
learn to play the banjo and get off slang phrases, and then I'll appear
as 'The Beautiful and Gifted Artist, ANNETTA BRUMMETTA, who has, by her
guileless vivacity, charmed our most Fashionable Circles.' Or I'll go as
Assistant Teacher in a Select Boarding School for Young Ladies. I ain't
proud, you know."
JEFFRY grinned. "Let me advise you," said he, "to go right off
to-morrow. I'll help you pack your trunk inside of an hour, if you say
so."
"That ain't the point," she retorted sharply. "I ain't got rid of so
easily as _that_, I tell you."
"What do you mean by that?" he inquired, with a scowl.
"I mean just this," she returned. "I won't go at all if you don't do
what's right by me. If you'll agree to my terms I'll go, and not
without."
"Your _terms_!" said he, with a sneer. "Well, that _is_ a go. What may
your 'terms' be?" he continued, derisively.
"Marriage," replied she; "private if you say so, and a remittance of
fifty dollars a month for six months."
He laughed in her face. "Marry _you_? Well, I guess not," said he. "Do
you take me for an idiot?"
"You ain't obliged to stick by it," she continued. "We're in Indiana,
ain't we? We'll take a minister and a lawyer along with us. While the
minister is marrying us, the lawyer can be at work on the divorce
papers. When you are JEFFRY MAULBOY again, a single man, and I'm once
more ANN BRUMMET. spinster, I'll go away and never trouble you again.
There's no risk. I go in ANN BRUMMET, and come out ANN BRUMMET, all
inside of two hours, and there's nobody to tell of it. The lawyer and
minister are used to it, you see, and the secret's safe with _them_."
JEFFRY MAULBOY took an unusually large chew of tobacco, and thought it
all over.
"I won't do it," he finally said.
"All right, then," she replied; "I'll write to Mrs. CUPID and tell her
the whole story, and I'll stay here besides. It'll be hard enough on me
for a while if I go, and harder still if I stay; but I'll do it to
_spite you_. I'll break off your match with Mrs. CUPID if I _do_ stay,
now mark my words."
JEFFRY MAULBOY walked back and forth, and emitted the choicest string
of curses that his extensive and valuable collection enabled him to
cull. At last he stopped in front of her, and said savagely:
"I'll do it. But if you ever lisp a word to any living soul till I'm
safely married to CUPID, I'll kill you, dead sure. Do you hear that?"
"When and how is the thing to be done?" he growled again.
"The sooner the better," was ANN'S reply. "If you don't hear from me by
to-morrow noon, go to the Half-way House at Forney's Crag. That's all
_you've_ got to do. I'll have the lawyer and minister both there.
_You'd_ better be there too. That's all I say."
Alone in his room, JEFFRY admitted that ANN had been too smart for him.
"And I'm mighty afraid that, somehow or other, the old she-dragon will
get the best of me yet in this infernal business," he soliloquized.
"Anyhow, I'll sleep on it," and he went to bed.
He got up in the morning, firmly resolved to break his engagement with
ANN.
"She was only bluffing me last night," he said. "She daren't tell
CUPID." But he didn't feel easy for all that.
After breakfast he took his hat and started out.
"Where are you bound, JEFF?" inquired ARCHIBALD.
"Anywhere," was the reply. "Come along."
JEFFRY was awful dull company, so Archibald thought. He took very large
chews of tobacco, and expectorated freely into the eyes of the small
boys whom they chanced to meet, and if he didn't make a good shot, he
swore awfully. Once he went away across a field on purpose to kick a
very small dog, and ARCHIBALD waited for him.
"Why, JEFFRY," said ARCHIBALD, "what ails you? You're awfully down in
the mouth this morning."
"And so you'd be if you was in my boots," was the reply.
And then he up and told ARCHIBALD the whole story.
The latter was so thoroughly dumbfounded that a decently-smart boy could
have blown him over without any apparent effort.
"Why, JEFF," said he, "only to think of it. Ain't it awful? And ANN
BRUMMET, too; ain't I glad it ain't me, though."
"That's no way to console a fellow, you fool," said JEFFRY. "You'd
better offer to help me out of the scrape."
"Why, so I will, of course," said ARCHIBALD. "If I hadn't saved your
life, of course you wouldn't have got into it; and so I feel bound, you
know, to see you out of it. What shall I do?"
"Why, just go over to the Half-way House, and tell ANN I can't come.
Tell her I've got the small-pox, or broke my leg, or my old man's
dying--or anything, so that she understands I can't come."
"You'd better give me a letter," said ARCHIBALD, "and I'll slip it under
her door and run off. I never could remember all that, I should be so
flustered, you know."
"No," replied JEFFRY, "I shan't give you any letter. I ain't fool enough
to commit myself to any woman in black and white."
"Well," replied ARCHIBALD drearily, "just as you say. Oh, what a knowing
man the Hon. MICHAEL is! He said you'd make me pay that debt of saving
your life, sooner or later, and it's turned out sooner. But I'll go,
JEFFRY, if I can get away from BELINDA. She tags me round everywhere,
and wants to court me all the time. Ain't it dreadful? What time shall I
go?"
"Three o'clock," answered JEFFRY. "Tell her I'd come if I could but I
can't _anyhow_. Be sure and tell her _that_, and anything else you've a
mind to."
(To be continued.)
* * * * *
PIGEON ENGLISH.
Certainly newspaper writers are given to making very remarkable
statements. In describing General CHANGARNIER, a newspaper lately
informed us that "he stoops his head, which is sprinkled over with a few
gray hairs when walking." Now, if the general's head be sprinkled when
walking, we may fairly infer that the gray hairs, unless brushed off,
remain upon it when it stands still. We are additionally mystified by
the further statement--still with reference to the same officer--that
"he enjoys the personal demeanor of the French people to a remarkable
degree." This we are very much delighted to hear, although we have not
the slightest idea what it means.
* * * * *
Corroborative.
A late item of war news states that "the Prussians have advanced to
Dole," while from several other sources we learn that the Prussians have
come to Grief.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Ambergris_.--Can you give me the motto of the City of Strasbourg?
_Answer_.--We cannot at this moment recall the Flemish version of it,
but it means, in English, "We make our own Pies."
_Katrina Shwachenzittern_. We have had some difficulty in deciphering
your manuscript. Your grievance, however, seems to be that one of your
boarders, an Alsatian, keeps a ten-pound brass cannon in his bedroom,
and fires a grand salvo with it whenever a French victory is announced.
This, of course, is very foolish. The best way of putting a stop to it
would be for your German boarders to keep guns of even larger calibre in
their rooms, and fire the Frenchman down. You will then have a perfect
right to charge all your boarders for extra fires.
_Ney_.--Please explain two things about the war. First: How did the
Mobile Guard come to leave Mobile? Second: Is _Francs-Tireurs_ the
French for FRANK BUTLER'S black-and-tan terriers?
_Answer_.--We cannot perceive much difference between NEY and BRAY.
_Artichoke_.--You are mistaken in supposing total deafness to be an
indispensable qualification in a candidate for the position of prompter
to a theatre.
_Flippertygibbet_.--How is the belligerent attitude of the Russian Bear
likely to affect the New York money market?
_Answer_.--Turn a rushin' bear into any market, and see what the result
will be.
_Paterfamilias_.--I am the unhappy father of three brace of twins, and
wish to dispose of one out of each brace. Can you advise me in the
matter?
_Answer_.--If you don't mind being put in the Lockup, perhaps you had
better apply to "Dr." LOOKUP.
_Sad-you-See_.--We cannot sympathize with you in your wail about the
markets being "flat." Wait a while, patiently, and they will come
"round."
_Peter Dole_.--Your questions about cooking turkeys for Thanksgiving Day
are so multitudinous, that we can only reply to them generally. In
Europe it is the usage for Crowned Heads and their families, only, to
eat sausages with their turkey; and, if ever the true story of the Man
with the Iron Mask comes to be unveiled, it is more than likely that the
mystery will be found to hinge upon that fact.
* * * * *
A PRESIDENTIAL FLOUT.
According to the Washington special despatches to the _Philadelphia
Inquirer_, the President has tendered a Cabinet appointment to several
distinguished members of the Union League of that city. Either from
excessive modesty, however, or, as is probable, from prudent doubts as
to their ability to fill the position, all of these gentlemen have
declined to accept the offer.
It is surmised that the object of the President's recent visit to
Philadelphia (ostensibly to see his old friend, Mr. BORIE), was to
examine the roll of the League, comprising two thousand members, for the
purpose of selecting one who might serve on a pinch to fill the office
in question.
This was a bitter stroke of satire on the part of Mr. GRANT, since it is
generally understood in Philadelphia, that, outside the ranks of the
Mutual Admiration Society to which we have referred, there are no brains
to be found among the Republicans of Philadelphia.
* * * * *
A Bubble of Air.
What is the most favorable sort of weather for ballooning?
_Highly_ favorable weather.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE THREE CENTS.
An Incident both Dramatic and True.
SLINEY, OF SWAMPVILLE, COMES TO THE CITY. AS HE SHAMBLES ALONG THREE
BRIGHT CENTS FALL AT HIS FEET. AMAZEMENT OF SLINEY, WHO GAZES UP AT AN
OPEN WINDOW, BUT, NOT SEEING ANY PERSON THERE, SUPPOSES THAT SHOWERS OF
COPPERS ARE PECULIAR TO THE CLIMATE.
HAVING POCKETED THE COINS, SLINEY PROCEEDS UPON HIS WAY. HARDLY HAS HE
GONE A DOZEN PACES WHEN THREE CENTS AGAIN RING DOWN UPON THE
FLAG-STONES, AND SPARKLE THERE IN THE SUN. DELIGHT OF SLINEY, WHO AGAIN
GAZES UP SMILINGLY AT THIRD-STORY WINDOWS, HOLDING OUT HIS HAT AS IF TO
ASK FOR MORE.
AGAIN SLINEY PROCEEDS TO POCKET THE COINS. BUT, HA!--WHAT IS THIS? HIS
COUNTENANCE CHANGES: HIS LONG BONY FINGERS NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME DETECT
THE FATAL FLAW IN HIS TROUSERS POCKET. 'TWAS HIS ORIGINAL CAPITAL,
BROUGHT BY HIM FROM SWAMPVILLE TO INVEST IN STOCKS, THAT HE HAS BEEN
PICKING UP ALL ALONG. AGONY OF SLINEY, WHICH IS AGGRAVATED BY THE RIBALD
LAUGHTER OF SOME WICKED PERSONS WHO HAVE THROWN THEMSELVES UPON HIS
TRACK.]
* * * * *
THE LATEST BOSTON NOTION.
The well-earned reputation acquired by Boston for leading the world in
new ideas is so thoroughly established as to need no recapitulation
here. We merely speak of it for the purpose of mentioning that city's
last contribution to mankind, of this kind. They have a hotel there
which advertises through the seductive fly-pages of our magazines in the
following terms: "Courtesy to strangers is a marked feature in the
management of--"
But we remember in time that we have no right to interfere with the
advertising columns. However, it is a fact that there is a hotel in
America where courtesy to guests is a feature, and of course a marked
one. It is a cheering fact, and especially so just now, in this early
fall, when we are all smarting with the fresh memories of our summer's
sufferings at the hands of the hotel proprietors, their head clerks, and
the rest of the rapacious crew. What an attractive picture it presents!
A hotel where guests are treated with courtesy! Really, if anything
could seduce us into making a visit to Boston, the desire to actually
witness this surprising innovation upon our national customs would prove
too strong for the reverential fear which keeps us distant worshippers
of that American Mecca.
* * * * *
Odious Comparison.
"She is a gem," remarked Mr. JENKINSOP, speaking of his red-haired wife.
"Yes--a diamond of many carats," was the low rejoinder of JENKINSOP'S
friend, WINKLESOP.
* * * * *
ROYAL DEMOCRACY.
It appears to have been decided that one of the royal princesses of
England can be allowed to marry, without being obliged to find some
royal prince for that purpose. Perhaps this course has been discovered
to be possible from the fact that the stock of royal princes is getting
short in Europe. Prussia has gobbled up any number of German ones, and
bids fair to do so with the rest. But we prefer to think that this
innovation is really due to the women's rights movement. Their platform
is broad enough for the entire sex to stand on, and why should a
princess, from the unfortunate accident of her birth, be debarred her
natural right to fall in love with the man of her choice, and to marry
the man she loves. At any rate we commend this change of policy to the
leaders of the women's rights party, as a proof of the success their
movement has gained, and advise them to send a series of congratulatory
resolutions to the princess in question, upon her gaining her
unquestioned right to consult her heart rather than a Lord Chancellor in
the bestowal of her hand.
* * * * *
An Anecdote from Salt Lake.
A GYPSY came to BRIGHAM YOUNG with a pony for sale.
"Why, the beast is half-starved," said BRIGHAM, running his hand over
the pony's side. "You can count his ribs."
"That's more'n a chap could do with yours," retorted the gypsy.
BRIGHAM YOUNG did not buy that pony.
* * * * *
NATURAL HISTORY IN OUR PARKS.
No greater tribute has yet been paid to the already improved condition
of our city parks under the new _régime_, than the arrival in them of
strange birds by which they had not hitherto been patronized. Within a
few days past several owls have been captured in the solemn pines with
which these delightful retreats have lately been made green, if not
shady. The owl, as is well known, was regarded by the ancients as the
Bird of Wisdom. He fully sustained his right to the title by letting
severely alone the city parks while they were still dreary and
disgusting wastes. The only night-birds by which these were, then
occupied were of the featherless (and apparently motherless) kind, and
were well known to the police. They were quite as watchful, it is true,
as the genuine feathered owl that has just commenced to give its very
extraordinary countenance to the parks, but then it was with other
people's watches, not their own. It is with much concern that we hear
reports of the slaughter of some of these solemn but beautiful owls that
have come to ventilate their wisdom among us. The reports in question
were very definite and unmistakable, most of them proceeding from
revolvers handled by members of the Municipal Police Force, while others
emanated from the barrels of shot-guns wielded by beery Teutons, who
rushed frantically out from their sawdust lairs when they were told that
the game was up--that is, that an owl was up a tree. This was scurvy
treatment for the visitors. To "put a head on" an owl, which is already
provided with one so large and so comical, appears to be a work both
superfluous and inhuman. The only apology for it in this instance is,
that these night-birds of prey were supposed by the police to have been
attracted to the parks by the prospect of succulent suppers on the very
well-fed sparrows by which these resorts are now thickly tenanted. The
owls hooted at this notion; but their hooting was only answered by
shooting, and the poor foolish Birds of Wisdom have been stuffed with
tow instead of sparrows, and set up to form the nucleus of an
ornithological Rogues' Gallery in the City Hall.
On visiting the Battery a few days ago, one of the park-keepers (himself
looking in his bright new uniform somewhat like a blue-jay) expressed
his conviction that, next spring, that time-honored pleasure-garden of
the old Knickerbockers will be a paradise for song-birds such as it has
not been since the original Swedish Nightingale warbled her "woodnotes
wild" there a score of years ago, more or less. The sea-gulls, he
thought (will Judge HILTON have the goodness to provide these park
officers with manuals of ornithology?), would build their nests in the
pine-trees with which the wide esplanade that stretches away to the
water's edge will soon be bristling. Honest, but mistaken young man! As
well might he have said that the sea-wall [a very substantial one, by
the way] would build its nest in the melancholy pines. But it is
reasonable to hope that pine grossbeaks will find their way thither, and
that the German flutes of various finches will provide for the coming
Bavarians and Hessians (should any be left after the siege of Paris and
the _sorties_ of the truculent TROCHU) a welcome such as has not
heretofore been accorded to the strangers who at Castle Garden first set
foot upon our shore.
The Bowling Green--late a nuisance and a pandemonium, now an oasis of
verdure--has not as yet reported its owl, but the public eye is upon it,
and the nocturnal marauder may yet be detected in the forks of the great
willow-trees, which still retain their verdure. The sparrows are almost
disproportionately numerous in this small park, but this may be
accounted for. It has lately been laid down with new grass, the green,
tender blades of which, just now beginning to crop out, are probably
mistaken by the birds for "sparrow-grass" munificently provided for them
by the Commissioners.
In all of these city parks the contrast between past and present is very
striking and agreeable. But a few short months ago they were the
domiciles and dormitories of outcast roughs and vagrants of the worst
description, whose "'owls," as a Cockney explorer observed, "made night
'ideous." The only muss now common to them is the _mus_ tribe,
comprising the _mus ratus_, or ordinary rat (so called from its haunting
ordinaries, we suppose), and the timid mouse, with which the Bird of
Wisdom is contented to put up when the sparrows decline to come to his
claw.
Central Park offers numerous attractions now to all who love to keep up
their animal spirits by studying animal life. There is a fat little
Asiatic pig there, who is the very picture of content. A red pig he is,
and exceedingly well behaved. The best red pig, in fact, that we
remember ever to have seen, beating the learned pig by several trumps
and an ace. When we last saw him he was very busy with his pen, and our
surmise was that his mind was fully occupied with arrangements for
editing the works of BACON, or, possibly, those of HOGG.
The young elephant has increased immensely, since last year, in stature
and girth. He is remarkably neat in his person, wisping himself all over
with hay for hours at a time. Whether he does this for cleanliness or to
obtain a flavor of elephant for the hay is doubtful, however, for he
always eats it after having made use of it as a flesh-brush for a good
while. Notices requesting visitors "not to feed or annoy the animals"
are posted on the compartments. In the case of the elephant, though, it
might be as well also to caution persons against making jokes about his
trunk--a low kind of ribaldry in which every carpet-bagger, who never
had one, seems to think himself bound to indulge.
There is a cinnamon bear in one of the outside cages, whose claws remind
one sharply that cinnamon and cloves go together, and that clove is a
tense of the verb "to cleave." But we do not want such a fellow as that
to cleave to us, since it is evident that a grocer kind of brute than a
cinnamon bear cannot be found in all the ursine family. "Sugar and
spice, and all things nice," are stated in song to be the materials that
"little girls are made of," but if we thought that cinnamon bear figured
upon the list of groceries thus used for modelling young maidens, we
would either fly to the desert with Dr. MARY WALKER or immure ourselves
in a nunnery with SUSAN B. ANTHONY, and all the other females of the
anti-sugar-and-spice persuasion.
Fattest of all the beasts in the Central Park collection is the larger
of the two grizzly bears. From the easy way in which he takes life, he
reminds one of a successful politician, who had worked his way up from
being a slim and impecunious "repeater" to the position of Alderman, or
Custom House official, and President of the Fat Men's Club. There is a
drunken leer in this beast's eye, an inebriate roll in all his
movements, that lead one mechanically to peer into the darkness of his
den with the view of seeing what the Bar fixings are like. It would be a
rare freak to treat the huge fellow to a cask of rum and sugar, and then
stand by with a comic artist, and take down for PUNCHINELLO the traits
of BRUIN the Grizzly on a "bender," and with all his repressed nature
brought out by the strong drink.
"Carnivorium" is the word now properly applied by the Park authorities
to the establishment in which the wild beasts are kept. That is, the
term will be correct when applied only to the particular department
allotted to the fierce flesh-devouring animals. At present camels are
accommodated in the Carnivorium, and so are cows, which is a sort of
slur upon the habits of these poor innocent vegetarians. The new word,
however, is likely to find considerable extension, and if any provider
for the public maw should choose hereafter to call his dining-saloon a
Carnivorium, none would have a right to cavil at him on philological
grounds, at least.
By and by the Park will have a new and sensational attraction. The
antediluvian monsters of that great FRANKENSTEIN of the period, Mr.
WATERHOUSE HAWKINS, will soon be advanced enough to "give fits" to the
nursery-maids and their tender charges. Accipitrine in features as in
name, Mr. HAWKINS is a living illustration of the Darwinian theory.
Certainly his remote ancestors must have been of the falcon family. He
revels in birds; though, when he cannot obtain those, he can put up with
lizards, which he usually prefers manufactured, and of a length not less
than from sixty to one hundred feet. This reminds us that a saurian of a
hundred feet should not be confounded with a centipede.
It will be seen, then, that the landscape-gardens of our great city are
in a fair way of being able to afford some illustrations for students of
Natural History more interesting than the oyster-shells and old boots
with which most of them have hitherto been stocked.
* * * * *
FRUIT FOR BALLOONISTS. Currents in the air.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FASHION CORRESPONDENTS REPORT THAT "NETS ARE TO BE WORN
MUCH LONGER." PUNCHINELLO SUGGESTS, THEN, THAT THEY MIGHT BE PROFITABLY
ADAPTED FOR CATCHING FISH AS WELL AS BEAUX.]
* * * * *
THE AVERAGE THANKSGIVING.
NINE O'CLOCK A.M.
I'm thankful I was bright enough, this year,
To have my turkey bought a week ahead!
Oh, what a bird it is! 'Twas awful dear,--
But, thank the Lord! the turkey's been well fed.
TEN O'CLOCK A.M.
There! I've forgot the oysters. Thank the Lord,
There's time enough with early church; Old GRIMES,
I hope, will pity us to-day; he's bored
A hungry crowd so many, many times.
ELEVEN O'CLOCK A.M.
Oh, what a crowd! Hallo! Another man!
Well, thank the Lord, 'twill be a change, at least;
I s'pose he'll aggravate us all he can:
And that's _so_ easy just before a feast.
TWELVE O'CLOCK M.
Oh, what a bore! He's worse than Grimes by half;
So slow!--That turkey will be done to rags!--
I'm famished! I could eat the fatted calf.
There! Thank the Lord! He's winding up; he fags.
ONE P.M.
Give me the knife. Be quick, my love, be quick!
I never was so hungry in my life!
Well, thank the Lord, that tedious old stick
_Did_ let us off.--Oh, hang this carving-knife!
TWO P.M.
I wish I had not eaten quite so much;
But, really, the mince-pie was _so_ prime!
You gave it just the real, old, fancy touch.
There! (Thank the Lord, I got the meat in time.)
THREE P.M.
My eyes! how sleepy I have grown since noon!
Some wine or music, now, would make me gay;
Come, ANNA, let us have a little tune--
There! thank the Lord, there's no more work to-day.
FOUR P.M.
What was it, ANNA? I was sound asleep;
I rather think I had the nightmare, too.
I feel half sick; cold chills around me creep.
Well, thank the Lord, Thanksgiving is all through!
* * * * *
A Pen and an Inkling.
A certain HERR BISSENGER, of Pforzhelm, has presented BISMARCK with a
golden pen, set with jewels, with which to sign the treaty after the
capture of Paris. Foresight is well enough in its way; but if the treaty
which is to end this war is not a very different one from any BISMARCK
has yet suggested, penning his signature to it will be merely a
preliminary to his repentance for being so short-sighted as not to see
that Sedan, not Paris, was the place at which to make a lasting peace.
* * * * *
A Chance for Metaphysicians to be Useful.
The German metaphysicians who have been so long bothering the world with
reports of their searches after the undiscoverable, should now exercise
whatever skill they have gained in this pursuit, in looking for signs of
republican protest in Germany against the growing tyranny of their
Prussian masters. Such a course would do their own country good, and, if
successful, would be most grateful to the rest of the world.
* * * * *
A Twist of the Cable.
Telegrams per cable state that "VON DER TANN is retreating"--also that
"a Prussian bark has been blown up."
Combining these two statements, we obtain an excellent quality of Tan
Bark, which may or may not be suggestive of further "Hidings" of the
Prussians by the French.
* * * * *
Grant-ed.
Recent disclosures concerning the President's Cabinet would go to show
that this piece of administrative furniture is a cabinet with Drawers.
* * * * *
Bad for their Health.
Travel is so impeded by the terrible state of affairs at present
existing in France, that the Prussians cannot take Tours.
* * * * *
New Occupation for the President.
A display heading in the _World_ of November 18th has the following
astounding line:--
"GRANT cuts SCHURZ."
* * * * *
[Illustration: NONE THE BETTER FOR TOO MUCH NURSING.
_Dr. W.G. Bryant._--"MR. KELLEY, THAT POOR CHILD PENNSYLVANIA HAS BEEN
FED TOO EXCLUSIVELY WITH PIG-IRON PAP. SUPPOSE YOU TRY SOME OF MY
FREE-TRADE MIXTURE, AND SEE IF THAT WON'T RESTORE IT TO HEALTH."]
* * * * *
HIRAM GREEN SURPRISED.
His Fellow-Citizens Present Him with a Silver Tea Service.
When the Hon. BILL SOOWARD allers gets home from a voyige, the sitezens
of Auburn give him a warm recepshen.
When Goyenor HOFFMAN visits the home of his childhood days, a
spontaneous bust of friendship throws her lovin embrace about him.
When a few sundry other peeple, whose names shall be nameless in this
communication, have arroven to their long home on tother side of the
River Sticks, they will get a recepshen so warm, that, settin on top a
red hot koal stove and sokin their feet in a kittle full of b'iling
water, will be full as cheerin to 'em as a Mint Jewlip is to an
inhabitant of the Equinoxial line.
Recepshens and presentashens bein the order of the day, I took it into
my head, a short time since, to have my feller sitizens of Skeansboro'
give me some of it.
Consekently I hired 1/2 dozen of my nabors, whom I supposed wouldent
make turnal fools of their selves, to call at the Old Green manshon with
a crowd of peeple, at the hour when I was supposed to be to bed, for the
purpuss of presentin me with a silver tea sarvice, which our Joowiler
had lent me for the occasion. I writ up an impromptu speech, and
practiced it for over a week, out in my barn, so as to be reddy for the
cerprise.
My 3 oldest darters had agreed to be dressed up in white, representen
the 3 graces--Faith, Hope, & Charity--and arrangin their selfs in a
tabloo in the back parler, they was to throw open the foldin doors at a
signal from me. I also tride to get my wife to rig up; says she:
"Me rig up? No, sir! I wouldent encourage sich a lot of tom foolery to
save your consarned neck. And I know of a sartin Old Noosants who'l
ketch Hail Columbia if he musses up these ere parlers to freely."
The noosants referred to was no doubt the undersined; I know it was.
Mariar was allers full of pet names, and this was one of them.
When she called me pet names, I dident stop to argue with her. It is no
use; shee'l allers have the last word, if she sets up all nite for a
week for it. You mite just as well try to make Bosting fokes think the
hul United States don't resolve around Masserchussetts Bay and Bosting
Common once every 24 times an hour, as to undertake to stop a womans
clack when she gets on a talkin fit.
The appinted nite came, and I was standin behind the winder curten,
peekin out the upper hall winder, anxiusly awaitin the arrival of the
crowd.
All of a sudden a percession, hove in site, headed by a drum and fife.
Their onsartin way of marchin, by gettin their legs mixed all up
together, made me think that by the time they got up to my house, the
painful duty would devolve on to me of goin down and getten their legs
ontangled.
The fifer was continually mistakin his head for a drum stick, as he fell
over and let it strike vilently agin the sheep skin head of the base
drum. Whilst the drummer, hisself, was mistakin evry bodys head for his
musikle instrument, as he dealt out blows rite and left, to all who come
within hittin distance of his intossicated drum sticks.
Arrivin before my domisil, the leeder sung out and says:
"Now boys (hic!) let's rattle up bald head, (hic!) if old
2-and-ninepence don't (hic!) shell out with his 'freshments, we'll
(hic!) smash this 'ere borrered tea sarvice over his (hic!) figger
head." Sayin which he gives the door bell a yank, which was enuff to
pull the roof off from over our heads.
Slippin on my red nite cap, I poked my head out of my winder, and in
fained cerprise, Bays to 'em:
"My good peeple, what's the meanin of this demon-stration?"
"A lot of fellers, who you hired to come and pay you a visit, has got
here. So come down and let us in, old hoss," says a voice.
I went down stairs, with doubts in my mind as to the way the thing would
turn out.
Unboltin the door, the assemblige filed in. A casual glance convinced me
that I was not receivin into the buzzum of my family manshon a
deputashun from the Skeensboro Lodge of Good Templers, for a skalier lot
of whiskey-soked human beins I never sot eyes on.
There was JOB BIGLER, who useter leed the Skeensboro brick meetin house
quire, tryin to pick his teeth with the corner of a pictur-frame, while
standin before the lookin glass was WILLYAM DUNBAR vainly endevorin to
ascertain if he was the Siameese Twins, or else was the lookin-glass a
double-plated one.
Old JIM SPENCER insisted on standin with his cow-hide butes on top the
mahogony senter table, for the purpuss of presentin me with the tea
sarvice, while his son-in-law had no sorter hesitation, whatsomever, of
planten his muddy feet into my wife's work basket, which was settin on a
stool in the sou'-west corner of the front room. Others had piled
theirselfs in heeps, in various parts of the room, presentin a picter
which JOHN B. GOFF could work up to sich an affectin pitch, that tears
could be got out of the eyes of a perfessional grave-digger.
"SQUIRE GREEN, yer (hic!) feller sitisens, wishin to do the square thing
by you, hereby (hic!) take this opportunity of presentin you with this
(hic!) tea sarvice, which you hired down to GRIZ'LES jooliry (hic!)
store, for this momentous occassion. Take it and be 'appy. Now trot out
yer (hic!) benzeen," says SPENCER. At this pint I give the signle, and
the foldin doors was throde quickly open, revealin my 3 gals in a
classic tabloo. I then said:
"Feller Sitizens: When I say I'me hily pleased at this onexpected
cerprise, I but reiterate the pent up feelins of an overflowin heart."--
"Oh, cork up on that ere spoutin, and sound yer supper bell," said JOE
BIGLER, interuptin me. I again went on.
"As I casts my eyes about me, I see the smillen faces of my feller
sitizens, who have been tride and not found _wantin_--"
"That's a lie! We are _wantin_ some vittles, with a little (hic!)
opedildock to wash her down. When you hired us to do this job, you
(hic!) 'greed to fill up," says a voice.
I pertended as how I dident hear the raskle's insultin remarks, but I
was secretly itchin to be a silent spectator to his funeral, and see his
miserable carciss sunk down under about 6 foot of free sile. I
continnered;
"You see before you, Faith, Hope & Charity, otherwise called the 3
graces," said I, pintin to my darters, who looked as sheepish as if they
was jest let loose from a femail convenshun, or some other loonatick
asylum.
"Yer cant cram that stuff down our gullets, no more'n I can stand on
this sugar bole without mashin it" said a vile youth, ceasin the sugar
bole from the silver tea sarvice and settin his foot onto it. "Them gals
haint no more faith in hoops and charity, than I have that the french
peeple can live under a Republican form of government." Said another
chap: "Oh, no, old GREEN, them tow-headed maidens is your darters,
JOHANNER, BETTY, and MARIAR, Jr."
"Leed us to the bankett halls," says some one else.
"Come, do as yer (hic!) 'greed, and give us some pirotecknicks," some one
else yelled; at this juncture all was hollerin vociferously for vittles
and whiskey.
I assure you, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, it was very _affectin_.
In fact, I don't believe there was a _dry mouth_ in the crowd.
"I blush for every drunken soul of you," said I, wishing to get rid if
em; "and I want you to understand this meetin is adjourned to sober
off."
I noticed that the 3 graces had left the room, while the assemblage was
vainly endeavorin to git hold of the silver tea sarvice.
Suddenly the back parler door was busted open, and Mrs. GREEN and my 3
gals rushed in with pans of hot water and broomsticks, and if ever I
enjoyed seein a lot of people baptized, it was that ere crowd, who was a
yellin "bloody murder," as the hot water made their hides curl up.
"Go It, My Sweet Dears," Said I, "Peel Off Their Skins, And You Shall
All Have A Bran New Caliker Apiece To-Morrer Mornin."
Well, sir, in quicker time than I can write this, the house was cleared
and the front door locked agin em; but my troubles had only just
commenced, for I had, figerately speakin, jumped from the fryin pan into
the fire.
"HIRAM GREEN," said MARIAR, backin me up into a corner, "you old sinner,
you, look at that senter table, all scratched up with heels of a pair of
drunken cow-hide butes. Look at my work basket; it looks as if a
percession of hogs had been marchin into it.--See that nice rag carpet
which took me over 6 months to make; what is it? eh! it's covered with
old tabacker cuds, mud, segar stumps, broken whiskey bottles, and dish
water. Haint you a sweet venerable head of a family? Haint you a saperb
copy bound in calf, of ex-legal jewrisprudence?
"Presented you with a tea sarvice, did they? Oh! yool be the ruination
of this family with your confounded efforts seekin arter fame.
You--you--"
I dident wait to hear no more, but left the house with my feelins in a
hily mixed up state. I have made up my mind to one thing, that if I ever
get up another cerprise, I will hire good moral men, sich as editors,
noosepaper men, and literary folks ginerally, whose conducts is above
suspishon, to conduct the preceedins.
When this you spy,
Remember HI,
Ewers, truly,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
Lait Gustise of the Peece.
* * * * *
[Illustration: BABY'S PHOTOGRAPH.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SONG OF THE OYSTER.
"PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED."]
* * * * *
OUR PORTFOLIO.
An Exciting Interview with King William.--"Seeing" Thiers and Going him
Better.--The Influence of Monkeys In Diplomacy.
VERSAILLES, EIGHTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.
"I don't believe a word of it," said the King, with an impatient stamp
of the foot and a deprecatory wave of the hand--"not a word of it."
You see, dear PUNCHINELLO, the situation was thus: I had undertaken, not
indeed without grave misgivings, to propitiate his Majesty, after the
failure of the THIERS-BISMARCK negotiations, and, if possible, procure
such terms as would save Parisians from the galling necessity of
immolating the monkeys of the _Jardin des Plantes_ to the popular demand
for something to eat. I thought, as an American citizen and your
correspondent, my propositions _might_ have some chance of being
favorably entertained, especially as I knew that the English Minister's
presents of Stilton cheese and many dozens of BASS' bottled ale to
BISMARCK had failed to prevent the current of the Chancellor's prejudice
from running strongly in favor of Americans. Thus morally armed, and
bearing in my pocket a _passe-partout_ from Prussian Headquarters, I
approached Versailles on the second evening after the departure of M.
THIERS, and found the King occupying the apartment in the central
pavilion of the palace, which had once been the sleeping-chamber of
Louis XVI. and his unhappy spouse MARIE ANTOINETTE. Many alterations had
taken place since I was last there and saw the wretched Queen from the
balcony endeavoring to assuage the fierce mob that surged beneath. The
room was not like the room in which I once helped Louis to pull off his
boots, and the delicate perfume that usually pervades the apartments of
French royalty had succumbed to the amalgamated odors of _Schweitzer
Kase_ and _Saur Kraut_.
"It is apparent, sire," said I to WILLIAM, who was sitting there "that
Count BISMARCK has wholly misunderstood the situation in Paris."
"Not a bit of it," said the King; "don't I know well enough they've got
down to two ounces a day for each man, and horse meat at that?
"You forget, sire, their vast supply of asses."
"Do I, indeed? when they've done nothing but develop an unlimited number
of them ever since the war began."
I had an idea then that his majesty must have meant this for sarcasm
though my own experience told me that it was only too true; and it also
occurred to me that I was not in my true station as the representative
of a government of "asses." Nothing but a stern sense of duty prevented
me from clearing out at once under this last harrowing reflection.
Accordingly, I returned to the charge with diminished vigor, assuring
the King that if his army kept on blockading Paris in this cruel sort of
way, the population would soon be dying by thousands. It was very
strange why he wouldn't draw off his troops. What did _he_ want with
Paris? What had Paris done to _him_? Weren't there plenty of other
cities in this world that didn't care a cent how much he bombarded them?
(I began to think that possibly I might be growing childish in my method
of stating the case, but it was only a momentary weakness that made me
think so.) Where was Tyre? Let him go and bombard Tyre. Nobody cares for
Tyre now. Where was Sidon? If he wanted to throw away his ammunition,
let him "go" for Sidon. Where was Tuckahoo, New Jersey? Would New York
care if Tuckahoo was reduced to the level of its original swamp?
Moreover, there were lots of cities away off in China, yearning to have
the rays of modern civilization let into them. Would it be anything out
of his way to travel in that direction with a few big KRUPP guns, and
give civilization a fair opening to get in at? Wasn't it cowardly to be
punching all the time at one poor, miserable little town like Paris,
that ain't big enough to help itself, and wouldn't have done the same by
him no matter if it got ever so many high old chances? "Think of it, oh!
think of it, my royal brother," I said, laying a hand on each of his
royal shoulders. He took my hands off, and told BISMARCK to bring him a
wisp-broom. It was a cruel insult, but I stood unmoved in the midst of
it. "Perhaps at some future hour and place, Your Majesty, we may meet
under different circumstances." That was a proposition he exhibited no
disposition to deny. At this juncture a courier arrived from the front,
breathless with excitement, and speechless too. The King seized him by
the back of the neck and shook him violently, but the poor fellow
couldn't articulate a word, I suggested that cold keys be put down his
back, and his feet thrust into the fire. That brought him to so fast
that I got behind an arm-chair for protection. In a few seconds he
gathered voice enough to say:
"S-S-Sire, P-P-P-Paris is e-eatin' u-u-up the m-m-mon-monkeys."
Fatal news! It was all up with my museum.
Paris reduced to monkeys, and no treaty signed!
Horrible catastrophe!
I offered myself to Satan for a good lie--anything, I didn't care what,
to clinch matters, and bring the King to terms. The Old Boy served me.
"Your Majesty, I forebore to tell you the worst; but it can be kept back
no longer. You must fly from here; fly from Paris. Your worthy queen,
the great, the good, the patriotic AUGUSTA, is now lying at the point
of--"
"Liar!" shouted the King, as he seized a boot-jack from the hands of
BISMARCK and hurled it at me with all his strength. I burst the back of
my coat dodging the missile, which did not, however, interrupt the rapid
utterance of my dreadful communication.
"Spare one moment more to hear what I have just received by telegraph
from Berlin, which is to say that your grandmother--"
"I never had a grandmother!" roared the King, upon the verge of madness,
as the Crown Prince, at the head of six Army Corps surrounded the
building and captured me without firing a shot.
P.S.--It is scarcely necessary in my present exhausted state to say that
my liberation is once more entirely due to the intercession of that man
of all men, the defender of injured innocence, and the champion of all
unfortunates, the most honorable Mr. WASHBURNE, American Minister, &c.
He told them that he had known me from boyhood; that my father died in
the lunatic asylum, and dying, bequeathed his intellectual
characteristics to his son, which was all he had to bequeath. The King
said it was more than likely, and so I got off.
DICK TINTO.
* * * * *
Wonderful Sagacity.
Newspapers mention that an Irish crow has lately arrived as a passenger
on board the steamship _Colorado._ It is stated that the bird has
positively declined to quit the ship, and the inference is that its
unwillingness to do so arises from fear lest it might be mistaken for a
Thanksgiving Turkey.
* * * * *
A Wintry Reflection.
The only Weather Profits that never fail are the gains of the coal
dealers.
* * * * *
Nautical.
When does a ship display a propensity for climbing?
When she runs up her flag.
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS
Latest of Mr. BOUCICAULT'S mixtures is another Irish dramatic stew. He
calls it the _Rapparee_, and it contains the usual proportion of fire,
patriots, whiskey, traitors, pretty girls, and red-coat officers. It has
a Tragic Heroine and a Cheerful Heroine, a French Officer who speaks
with an Irish brogue, and a Dutch General who speaks the Fechterian
dialect. It has FRANK MAYO in picturesque attitudes on the stage, and
HARRY PALMER in gorgeous vestments in the lobby. But here it is--as long
as the original and nearly as tedious. Read it and decide for yourselves
whether this sort of thing is worthy of the clever mechanic who
constructed _Arrah-na-Pogue_?
THE RAPPAREE. ACT I.
SCENE I.--_A retired spot in the public highway. [Enter an army of
fifteen Irish patriots, armed with pikes of great scythes.]_
1st PATRIOT.--"Hurroo for KING JAMES, we'll dhrive the Orange-men into
the say. Here comes O'MALLEY, and the FRINCH OFFICIR. May they niver
want a bottle, or a frind to stale it from." _[Enter O'Malley and
Duquesne,]_
O'MALLEY.--"All is lost. ULICK has betrayed us."
DUQUESNE.--"All is lost. ULICK has followed the national custom."
PATRIOTS.--"All is lost. Hurroo. What'll we do now, boys?"
O'MALLEY.--"Come with me to France. We'll fight somebody there."
PATRIOTS.--"We will go this minute." _[They go. Enter Tragic Heroine.]_
O'MALLEY.--"Can I belave the eyes of me. Is it you, darlint, or some
other ghost?"
TRAGIC HEROINE.--"'Tis I. Fly, O'MALLEY. ULICK insists upon marrying me,
and hanging you."
O'MALLEY.--"I will fly to-morrow night, and you shall fly with me. I
would go this minute, were it not that Mr. BOUCICAULT'S play would be
spoiled if I did not stay long enough to get into difficulties. I will
hide in the cellar of my ruined castle, and will give ULICK the worst
'hiding' he ever had if I have a convenient chance at him."