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It was ony a week or so ago as I was engaged perfeshnally on board a
steam Yot that had been hired for about as jolly a party as I ewer
remembers to have had on board a ship, and the Forreners among 'em had
ewidently been brort for to see what a reel lovely River the Tems is. I
must say I was glad to get away from Town, as I 'ad 'ad a shock from
seeing a something dreadful on an old showcard outside of the Upraw
which they tells me is now given up to Promenades. So we started from
Skindel's, at Madenhed Bridge, and took 'em right up to Gentlemanly
Marlow, and on to old Meddenham, and then to Henley, and lots of other
butiful places, and then back to Skindel's to dinner. And a jolly nice
little dinner they guv us, and sum werry good wine, as our most
critical gests--and we had two Corporation gents among 'em--couldn't
find not no fault with. But there's sum peeple as it ain't not of no use
to try to sattisfy with butiful seenery--at least, not if they bees
Amerrycains. They don't seem not to have the werry least hadmiration or
respect for anythink as isn't werry big, and prefur size to buty any day
of the week.
"Well, it's a nice-looking little stream enuff," says an Amerrycain, who
was a board a grinnin; "but it's really quite a joke to call it a River.
Why, in my country," says he, "if you asked me for to show you a River,
I should take you to Mrs. Sippy's, and when we got about harf way across
it, I guess you'd see a reel River then, for it's so wide that you
carn't see the land on either side of it, so you sees nothink else but
the River, and as that's what you wanted for to see, you carn't werry
well grumble then." I shood, most suttenly, have liked for to have asked
him, what sort of Locks they had in sitch a River as that, and whether
Mrs. Sippy cort many wales when she went out for a day's fishing in that
little River of hers, but I knows my place, and never asks inconvenient
questions.
However, he was a smart sort of feller, and had 'em I must say werry
nicely indeed a few minutes arterwards. We was a passing a werry butiful
bit of the river called a Back Water, and he says, says he, "As it's so
preshus hot in the sun, why don't we run in there and enjoy the shade
for a time, while we have our lunch?" "Oh," says one of the marsters of
the feast, "we are not allowed to go there; that's privet, that is."
"Why how can that be?" says he, "when you told me, just now, as you'd
lately got a Hact of Parliament passed which said that wherever Tems
Water flowed it was open to all the world, as of course it ort to be."
"Ah," said the other, looking rayther foolish, "but this is one of the
xceptions, for there's another claws in the hact as says that wherever
any body has had a hobstruction in the River for 20 years it belongs to
him for hever, but he musn't make another nowheres."
The Amerrycain grinned as before, and said, "Well, I allers said as you
was about the rummiest lot of people on the face of the airth, and this
is on'y another proof of it. You are so werry fond of everythink as is
old, that if a man can show as he has had a cussed noosance for twenty
years, he may keep it coz he's had it so long, while all sensible peeple
must think, as that's one more reeson for sweeping the noosance clean
away." And I must say, tho he was a Amerrycane, that I coodn't help
thinking as he was right.
It's estonishing what a remarkabel fine happy-tight a run on the butiful
Tems seems to give heverybody, and wot an adwantage we has in that
partickler respect over the poor Amerycans who gos for a trip on Mrs.
Sippy's big River, with the wind a bloing like great guns, and the waves
a dashing mountings hi. But on our butiful little steamer on our luvly
little river, altho the gests had most suttenly all brekfasted afore
they cum, why we hadn't started much about half-a-nour, afore three or
fore on 'em came creeping down into the tite little cabin and asking for
jest a cup of tea and a hegg or two, and a few shrimps; and, in less
than a nour arterwards, harf a duzzen more on 'em had jest a glass or
two of wine and a sandwich, and all a arsking that most important of all
questions on bord a Tems Yot, "What time do we lunch?" And by 2 a clock
sharp they was all seated at it, and pegging away at the Sammon and the
pidgin pie, het settera, as if they was harf-starved, and ewen arter
that, the butiful desert and the fine old Port Wine was left upon the
table, and I can troothfully state that the cabin was never wunce quite
empty till we was again doing full justice to Mr. Skindel's _maynoo_.