THE THEATRE PARTY.
It was a gay party that left South Middle that evening and started for
the theatre. Merriwell had not said a word to Rattleton concerning the
receipt of the second warning. A spirit of sheer reckless defiance led
him to accept the invitation to the theatre, even though he had not
wished to spend his time that evening in such a manner.
"This may be a jolly," he told himself; "if I were to stay away the
fellows would have a horse on me sure."
Creighton had a beautiful tenor voice, and as they started out beneath
the elms, he sang:
"I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth--I know not where----"
Danny Griswold seemed to take a fiendish delight in giving a humorous
twist to anything sentimental, and so he interrupted with:
"The next day a man came around
And sold me dead dog at a dollar a pound."
"If that were original I wouldn't mind," said Creighton; "but you got it
from some star vaudeville performance, you little runt."
"That's where I get all my gags," frankly confessed Griswold. "I store
them up for use, and they come in handy some time."
"Some time, when you spring a stale joke, I shall be led to assassinate
you," declared Bruce Browning.
"Impossible!" cried Griswold. "That would be a crime."
"Well, what's the odds?"
"You are too fat to commit a crime."
"How is that?"
"It is difficult for fat persons to stoop to anything low, you know."
"You seem to find considerable amusement because I am somewhat
overweight," said Bruce, with attempted severity.
"Not at all," chirped Danny. "Some men are well enough in their weight,
but this doesn't apply to coal dealers."
"Say, Griswold," called Rattleton, "what's the average fate for a
wool--no, I mean the average weight for a fool?"
"A simple ton," replied the little fellow, quick as a flash.
Frank clapped Danny on the back.
"Good boy!" he exclaimed, laughing. "Rattleton didn't get ahead of you
that time."
"It is hard for anybody to get ahead of me," declared Griswold. "I am
really a lively man in a footrace, for my father is a watchmaker, and he
has given me instructions in the business."
"I fuf-fuf-fuf, fail to see huh-huh-how that applies," said Joe Gamp, a
lad with a serious impediment in his speech.
"Why, you see I have learned how to make good time," chuckled Danny.
Gamp roared with laughter. He was a big, raw-boned, hulking fellow from
New Hampshire, and his laugh was like the braying of a mule. Creighton
had invited Gamp to the theatre for the amusement the country lad would
provide.
"He'll break the performers all up if he ever gets started laughing,"
said Charlie to Merriwell. "When he gets going in good style nothing
will stop him."
There was something about the country boy that Merriwell liked. Frank
quickly decided that Joe was a big-hearted, honest fellow, such a
blunder-heels that he was certain to provoke ridicule, and yet
thoroughly worthy and deserving.
In laughing, Gamp opened his mouth to the widest extent. He suddenly
closed it, and clapped his hand to his jaw.
"Jee-ru-sa-lem!" he gasped; "there gug-gug-gug-goes that old aching
tut-tut-tooth of mine! I was careless to let the night air gug-gug-get
into it."
"Why don't you have it pulled out?" asked Diamond.
"I'm going to have it pup-pup-pup-pulled and all the rest of my
'tut-'tut-'tarnel teeth just as soon as I can afford the money to
bub-buy a new set," declared Gamp, honestly.
"Why spend your money in such a foolish way?" said Griswold, with
apparent seriousness. "Save the dentist's bill. I know a dog that will
insert a full set of teeth free of charge."
Open flew Gamp's mouth again, and his braying laugh caused a passing
pedestrian to dodge so suddenly that he jumped from under his own hat.
"Say!" exclaimed Charlie Creighton, getting hold of Griswold; "save
those till we get to the theatre. Then you can set him going, and we'll
have sport."
"Can't save them," declared Danny. "They have to come when the
opportunity offers."
And so they went on their way to the theatre, laughing and joking,
singing snatches of college songs, and having a jolly time generally.
Creighton had made no mistake in saying a large number of college lads
would be present. It seemed that there were at least two hundred in the
theatre, and it was apparent that they were there for "a racket."
The moment Creighton's party entered the box a tall young man in the
first row of orchestra seats arose and faced the house, soberly saying:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a most auspicious, not to say suspicious,
occasion. It is probable that many of you were not aware that we were to
be honored to-night by having the privilege of witnessing the
performance in company with royal personages, but such is the fact. The
party that has just entered the box on the right is the Prince of
Chow-chow, who is accompanied by the Duke of Dublinstout, the Earl of
Easytogetajag, the Emperor of Buginhishead, the High Mogul of Whooperup,
the Chief Pusher of Whangdoodleland and the Great Muckamuck of
Hogansalley. Gentlemen, it is your privilege to salute them."
Then every college boy in the house arose and bowed with great gravity
toward the box.
"Well, this is sure to be a hot time!" laughed Merriwell, delighted.
"You bet it is!" assured Charlie Creighton. "We'll make _Simon Legree_
regret that he is living."
An usher came down the aisle and remonstrated with the tall student. The
tall student replied to the usher with exaggerated politeness, declaring
that he meant no harm, but that he had felt it his duty to inform the
audience that such distinguished personages were in the box.
Then when the tall young man sat down, as if by a prearranged signal,
there was a wild outburst of applause, stamping of feet, whistling
catcalls, and so forth.
The musicians came out and began to put their instruments in tune. They
composed an orchestra carried with the troupe, and were, as Rattleton
forcibly expressed it, "decidedly on the bum."
Some of the musicians seemed to dread what was coming, for they looked
pale and agitated.
"They know that some of the over-ripe vegetables and stale hen-fruit
which the audience may toss at the performers is liable to fall short,"
smiled Merriwell.
Having tuned up after a fashion, the orchestra began to file away at
some sort of a medley.
Griswold rolled his eyes and said:
"I am carried away with the music, as the monkey who was perched on the
hand-organ remarked."
It was with the utmost difficulty that the assembled students repressed
a desire to uplift their voices and drown the sounds which came from the
wretched orchestra; but they felt that it would not do to alarm the
players by too great a demonstration, and so the only interruptions to
the overture were a few catcalls.
At last the curtain rolled up, and the play began. An ominous silence
seemed to hang over the audience. The actors were nervous at first, but
as the silence continued and offensive demonstrations were not
immediately made, they gained courage and swung into their parts with as
much enthusiasm and ability as possible.
It is possible that the sight of two or three policemen at the back of
the house gave the performers courage. The officers had been called in
to overawe the college lads in case they became too demonstrative.
At length, in a very pathetic part of the first act, Griswold leaned
over to Joe Gamp, and whispered:
"It is very touching, isn't it?"
"Yes," said the country boy, chokingly, "it mum-mum-mum-makes me
fuf-fuf-fuf-feel like th-th-thunder!"
He nearly blubbered outright, for he had never seen many plays, having
found it necessary to spend his money with the greatest care, as he was
confined to a certain allowance to take him through college.
"And Uncle Tom's Bible," said Danny--"it reminds me of a conundrum. How
was the ark propelled?"
"Dud-dud-darned if I know."
"By a Noah, of course," explained Griswold.
Gamp caught his breath, and then he lay back and roared:
"Haw! haw! haw! A-haw! a-haw! a-haw!"
This roar of laughter, coming as it did at a solemn and pathetic point
in the play, was most startling. _Uncle Tom_ came near collapsing on the
stage, and the other actors were so disturbed that they got tangled in
their lines.
The students caught on, and there was an immediate burst of applause
that swelled louder and louder. This died away most suddenly and
unexpectedly, and Joe Gamp was heard to shout in his endeavor to make
Griswold hear:
"By jiminy! that was a good one! A-haw! a-haw! a-haw! a-haw!"
The lad from the country went off into another paroxysm of laughter,
pressing his hands to his sides, and shutting his eyes, utterly
unconscious for the moment of his surroundings.
Of a sudden Joe remembered that he was at the theatre. His mouth came
together with a snap, his eyes flew open, and he ceased to laugh and
stiffened up, with a frightened look on his face.
The change was so ludicrous that the entire audience was convulsed, and
the actors could not help laughing.
From that moment the play progressed under difficulties. In the scene
where the slaves were being sold at auction some of the students began
to pepper the actors with pea-shooters, doing it cautiously, so that
they would not be spotted in the act. Every time _Marks_ would open his
mouth to say "seventy-five" he would be struck by one or more peas,
which were fired with force sufficient to make them sting like hornets.
"Seventy----Wow! Whoop!" yelled _Marks_, clapping a hand to the side of
his face, and suddenly dancing an original can-can.
"Five hundred," cried _Legree_.
"Seventy-fi---- We-e-e-ow! Stop it! Somebody is shooting things at me!"
_Marks_ had been spotted on the end of his long nose, to which he was
wildly clinging with both hands, as he pranced around the stage.
"What's the matter?" growled _Legree_, in a guarded tone, unable to
understand what had happened. "Have you gone crazy, you fool? Stand up
and bid!"
Then he cried: "Six hundred!"
"Seventy-five---- Hornets and blisters!" finished _Marks_, as he was
nailed by three or four peas. "I can't stand this! It's too much!"
He bolted off the stage.
_Legree_ looked dismayed, and then he advanced to the footlights and
addressed the audience.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I trust you will excuse the gentleman
who is playing the part of _Marks_. He has not been well for several
days, and he is somewhat troubled with hallucinations. Of course we know
his troubles are all imaginary, and---- Ye-e-e-ow! I'm shot!"
A pea had struck him squarely between the eyes, and he started back so
suddenly that he sat down on the stage as if he had been knocked off his
feet.
"A-haw! a-haw! a-haw!" roared the voice of Joe Gamp, and the audience
joined in the shout of laughter.