There is an aptness in those that come to the throne of grace, to
cast every degree of faith away that carries not in it self-evidence
of its own being and nature, thinking that if it be faith, it must
be known to the soul; yea, if it be faith, it will do so and
so--even so as the highest degree of faith will do: when, alas,
faith is sometimes in a calm, sometimes up, and sometimes down, and
sometimes in conflict with sin, death, and the devil. Faith now has
but little time to speak peace to the conscience; it is now
struggling for life, it is now fighting with angels, with infernals;
all it can do now, is to cry, groan, sweat, fear, fight, and gasp
for life.
I know what it is to go to God for mercy, and stand all the while
through fear afar off, being possessed with this, Will not God now
smite me at once to the ground for my sins? David thought something
so when he said as he prayed, "Cast me not away from thy presence,
and take not thy Holy Spirit from me."
None know, but those that have them, what turns and returns, what
coming on and going off, there are in the spirit of a man that
indeed is awakened, and that stands awakened before the glorious
Majesty in prayer.
It is a great matter, in praying to God, not to go too far; nor come
too short; and a man is very apt to do one or the other. The
Pharisee went so far, he was too bold; he came into the temple
making, such a ruffle with his own excellencies, there was in his
thoughts no need of a Mediator.
It has been the custom of praying men to keep their distance, and
not to be rudely bold in rushing into the presence of the holy and
heavenly Majesty, especially if they have been sensible of their own
vileness and sins, as the prodigal, the lepers, and the poor
publican were. Yea, Peter himself, when upon a time he perceived
more than commonly he did of the majesty of Jesus his Lord, what
doth he do? "He fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, Depart from me,
for I am a sinful man, O Lord."
Oh, when men see God and themselves, it fills them with holy fear of
the greatness of the majesty of God, as well as with love to, and
desire after, his mercy.
What is poor sorry man, poor dust and ashes, that he should crowd
up, and go jostlingly into the presence of the great God?
For my part, I find it one of the hardest things that I can put my
soul upon, even to come to God, when warmly sensible that I am a
sinner, for a share in grace, in mercy. Oh, methinks it seems to me
as if the whole face of the heavens were set against me. Yea, the
very thought of God, strikes me through; I cannot bear up, I cannot
stand before him; I cannot but with a thousand tears say, "God be
merciful to me a sinner." Ezra 9: 15.
At another time, when my heart is more hard and stupid, and when his
terror doth not make me afraid, then I can come before him and ask
mercy at his hand, and scarce be sensible of sin or grace, or that
indeed I am before God. But above all, they are the rare times, when
I can go to God as the publican, sensible of his glorious majesty,
sensible of my misery, and bear up, and affectionately cry, "God be
merciful to me a sinner."
At certain times the most godly man in the world may be hard put to
it by the sin that dwelleth in him; yea, so hard put to it, that
there can be no way to save himself from a fall, but by imploring
heaven and the throne of grace for help. This is called the
needy-time, the time when the wayfaring man that knocked at David's
door shall knock at ours; or when we are got into the sieve into
which Satan did get Peter; or when those fists are about our ears
that were about Paul's; and when that thorn pricks us that Paul said
was in his flesh. But why, or how comes it to pass, that the godly
are so hard put to it at these times, but because there is in
them--that is, in their flesh--no good thing, but consequently all
aptness to close in with the devil and his suggestions, to the
overthrow of the soul?
But now, here we are presented with a throne of grace, unto which,
as David says, we must continually resort; and that is the way to
ohtain relief and to find help in time of need.