I had no sooner began to recall to my mind my former experience of
the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind
an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which
these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my deadness,
dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, my
wearisomeness in all good things, and my want of love to God, his
ways, and his people, with this at the end of all: "Are these the
fruits of Christianity? Are these the tokens of a blessed man?" Now,
I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but,
as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woful
state, that word of God took hold of my heart, "Ye are justified
freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Jesus
Christ." But Oh, what a turn it made upon me.
Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream;
and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it
thus spoken to me: "Sinner, thou thinkest that, because of thy sins
and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold, my Son is by
me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee
according as I am pleased with him." At this I was greatly
enlightened in my mind, and made to understand that God could
justify a sinner at any time; it was but his looking upon Christ,
and imputing his benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.
And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great
power upon my spirit, "Not by works of righteousness that we have
done, but according to his mercy he saved us." Now was I got on
high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I
was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now I cried, "Let me
die;" now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw we
should never live indeed till we reach the other world. Oh,
methought, this life is but a slumber, in comparison of that above.
At this time also I saw more in these words, "heirs of God," than
ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. HEIRS OF
GOD! God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and
wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
Sometimes I have been so loaded with my sins, that I could not tell
where to rest nor what to do; and at such times I thought it would
have taken away my senses; but God, through grace, hath so
effectually applied the atonement of Jesus to my poor wounded,
guilty conscience, and I have found such a sweet, solid, sober,
heart-comforting peace, that it hath made me rejoice exceedingly;
and I have for a time been in a strait and trouble, that I should
love and honor him no more, the virtue of whose blood hath so
comforted my soul.
My sins have at times appeared so great, that I have thought one of
them as heinous as all the sins of all the men in the world. Reader,
these things are not fancies, for I have smarted for this
experience; yet the least believing view of the blood of Jesus hath
made my guilt vanish to my astonishment, and delivered me into sweet
and heavenly peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Sometimes when my heart hath been hard, slothful, blind, and
senseless--which are sad frames for a poor Christian--then hath the
precious blood of Christ softened, enlivened, quickened, and
enlightened my soul.
When I have been loaded with sin and harassed with temptations, I
had a trial of the virtue of Christ's blood, with a trial of the
virtue of other things; and I have found that when tears, prayers,
repentings, and all other things could not reach my heart, one
shining of the virtue of his blood hath in a very blessed manner
delivered me. It hath come with such life and power, with such
irresistible and marvellous glory, as to wipe off all the slurs,
silence all the outcries, and quench all the fiery darts and flames
of hell-fire, that are begotten by the charges of the law, Satan,
and doubtful remembrances of a sinful life.