I speak by experience: I was one of these verminous ones, one of
these great sin-breeders; I infected all the youth of the town where
I was born with all manner of youthful vanities. The neighbors
counted me so; my practice proved me so: wherefore Christ Jesus took
me first, and taking me first, the contagion was much allayed all
the town over. When God made me sigh, they would hearken, and
inquiringly say, "What is the matter with John?" They also gave
their various opinions of me; but, as I said, sin cooled, and failed
as to his full career. When I went out to seek the bread of life,
some of them would follow, and the rest be put into a muse at home.
When it pleased the Lord to begin to instruct my soul, he found me
one of the black sinners of the world; he found me making a sport of
oaths, and also of lies; and many a soul-poisoning meal did I make
out of divers lusts, as drinking, dancing, etc., with the wicked
ones of the world. The Lord finding me in this condition, opened the
glass of his law unto me, showing me so clearly my sins--both the
greatness of them, and also how abominable they were in his
sight--that I thought the very clouds were charged with the wrath of
God, and ready to let fall the fire of his jealousy upon me; yet for
all this I was so wedded to my sins, that I thought with myself, "I
will have them, though I lose my soul," wretch that I was. But God,
the great, the rich, the infinitely merciful God, did not take this
advantage of my soul to cast me away; but followed me still, arid
won my heart by giving me some understanding, not only of my
miserable state which I was very sensible of, but also that there
might he hopes of mercy; taking away my love to lust, and placing in
the room thereof a holy love to religion. Thus the Lord won my heart
to some desire to hear the word, to grow a stranger to my old
companions, and to accompany the people of God, giving me many sweet
encouragements from several promises in the scriptures. But after
this, the Lord wonderfully set my sins upon my conscience; those
sins especially that I had committed since the first convictions:
temptations also followed me very hard; especially such as tended to
make me question the way of salvation--whether Jesus Christ was the
Saviour or not, and whether I had best to venture my soul upon him
for salvation, or take some other course--and I continued a year and
upwards without any sound evidence as from God to my soul, touching
salvation as it comes by Jesus Christ. But at the last, as I may
say, when the set time was come, the Lord did set me down blessedly
in the truth of the doctrine of Jesus Christ.
About this time the state and happiness of these poor people at
Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me. I saw as
if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there
refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, whilst I
was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow,
and dark clouds. Methought also, between me and them I saw a wall
that did compass about this mountain. Now, through this mountain my
soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding that if I could, I would
even go into the very midst of them and there also comfort myself
with the heat of their sun.
About this wall I bethought myself to go again and again, still
prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage by
which I might enter therein; but none could I find for some time: at
the last, I saw as it were a narrow gap, like a little door-way in
the wall, through which I attempted to pass; now the passage being
very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in
vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out by striving to get
in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my
head, and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders and my
whole body; then was I exceeding glad, and went and sat down in the
midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their
sun.
Now, this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: the
mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone
thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that
were therein; the wall I thought was that which did make separation
betwixt the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the
wall, I thought was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father.
But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow
that I could not but with great difficulty enter in thereat, it
showed me that none could enter into life but those that were in
downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for
body and soul and sin.
This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I
saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a
vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in
the sunshine; now also would I pray wherever I was, whether at home
or abroad, in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up
of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, "O Lord, consider my
distress;" for as yet I knew not where I was.
Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortahle persuasion that I
had faith in Christ; hut instead of having satisfaction here, I
began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my
future happiness; especially with such as these: "Whether I was
elected;" "But how if the day of grace should be past and gone?"
Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might
well be so: wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition;
counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off
thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still
crying out, "O that I had turned sooner! O that I had turned seven
years ago!" It made me also angry with myself to think that I should
have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven
were lost.
But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able
to take one step more, these words broke in upon my mind: "Compel
them to come in, that my house may he filled; and yet there is
room." These words, but especially these, "and yet there is room,"
were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there
was place enough in heaven for me, and moreover, that when the Lord
Jesus spake these words, he did then think of me; and that he
knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with
fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before
speak this word and leave it upon record, that I might find help
thereby against this vile temptation.
How lovely now in my eyes were all those that I thought to be
converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that
carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh, I saw the lot was
fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.
But that which made me sick, was that of Christ in Mark 3:13, "He
went up into a mountain, and called unto him whom he would; and they
came unto him." This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it
kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear was this, lest
Christ should have no liking to me; for he called "whom he would."
But Oh, the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage
my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call; but
I presently wished, "Would I had been in their clothes; would I had
been born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been by
and had heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, 'O
Lord, call me also.'" But Oh, I feared he would not call me.