"The public will not stand for increased railway fares," says a
contemporary. They have had too much standing at the old prices.
* * *
A Mile End man writes to _The Daily Express_ to say that one of his ducks
laid four eggs in one day. It seems about the most sensible thing the bird
could have done with them.
* * *
As a result of the recent Tube extension, passengers can now travel from
the Bank to Ealing in thirty-five minutes. It is further claimed that the
route passes under some of the most beautiful scenery in England.
* * *
Mersey shipyard workers have made a demand on their employers for five
pounds ten shillings a week when not working and seven pounds a week when
working. This proposal to discriminate between the men who work and those
who don't is condemned in more advanced trade union circles as savouring
dangerously of capitalism.
* * *
"One evening at Covent Garden," says M. ABEL HERMANT in _Le Temps_, "will
teach more correct behaviour than six months' lessons from a certified
professor of etiquette." Opinion among the smart set is divided as to
whether he means Covent Garden Theatre or Covent Garden Market.
* * *
The Bolshevists in Petrograd are finding a difficulty in the appointment of
a public executioner. This is just the chance for a man who wants a nice
steady job.
* * *
On looking up our diary we find that the MAD MULLAH is just about due to be
killed again. We wonder if anything is being done in the matter.
* * *
A German merchant is anxious to get into touch with a big stamp-dealer in
this country. Our feeling is that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL is the man he
wants.
* * *
We are asked to deny the rumour that Sir PHILIP SASSOON has been appointed
touring manager to the Peace Conference.
* * *
A Newbury man has succeeded in breeding pink-coated tame rats. It is said
that the Prohibitionists hope to exterminate these, as they did the green
ones.
* * *
A blunder of thirty million pounds in the estimates for British operations
in Russia is revealed in a White Paper. It is expected that the Government
will bequeath it to the nation.
* * *
Owing to the high cost of material we understand that a certain pill is
to-day worth £1 11s. 6d. a box.
* * *
The Sinn Feiners now threaten to capture one of our new battleships. We
sincerely hope that the Government will place a caretaker on board each of
our most valuable Dreadnoughts.
* * *
A Lanarkshire magistrate the other day doubted whether a miner could
remember details of an accident which happened two years ago. It is said
that the miner had vivid recollections of the affair as it happened to be
the day he was at work.
* * *
It is urged that all taxi-cabs should have a cowcatcher in front in case of
accidents. We gather that the drivers are quite willing provided they are
allowed to charge for anyone they pick up as an "extra."
* * *
It is reported that the muzzling order may come into force again in South
Wales. We understand that a dog which thoughtlessly attempted to bark in
Welsh in the main street of Cardiff was responsible for the belief that
rabies had broken out again.
* * *
During a brass-band contest a few days ago three members of the winning
band were taken ill just after they had finished playing. It was at first
feared that they had overblown themselves.
* * *
"A true lover of nature is nowadays very hard to find," complains a writer
in a Nature journal. Yet we know a golfer who always shouts "Fore!" on
slicing a ball into a spinney.
* * *
The two African lions which escaped from the Zoo in Portugal have not yet
been captured, and were last seen near the border-line of Switzerland. It
is thought that they are endeavouring to walk across Europe as a reprisal
for the flight across Africa by two Europeans.
* * *
The Dublin Trades Council called a one-day strike last week "to secure the
release of Mr. JAMES LARKIN." So successful was the strike, we understand,
that the United States authorities have decided that the presence of Mr.
LARKIN at forthcoming celebrations of a similar character would be quite
superfluous.
* * *
Speaking to an audience of miners at Morpeth Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD said he
dreamed of a time when the miners would govern the country. Not even the
miners, on the other hand, would dream of letting Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD
govern it.
* * *
"Does the Government realise," asks a newspaper correspondent, "that as
regards the situation in Ireland we are on the edge of a crater or with a
thunderbolt over our heads?" We rather imagine that the Government, like
the writer, isn't quite sure which.
* * *
Oswestry Guardians have accepted an offer to supply Bibles to tramps. This
is the first occasion on which the current belief that the tramp class is
nowadays being recruited largely from the ranks of the minor clergy has
received formal recognition.
* * *
A bricklayer has been summoned for not sending his son to school. It
appears that the father, finding his boy could count up to twenty and
wishing him to follow his own occupation, thought further schooling
unnecessary.
* * *
"When the country really understands the need of the Government," says an
essayist, "we shall travel far." But not at twopence a mile, thank you.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS.
"YOUR EEL, I THINK, SIR?"]
* * * * *