JUDGMENTS
I am certain of nothing but of the holiness of the heart's affections,
and the truth of Imagination. What the Imagination seizes as Beauty
must be Truth.... The Imagination may be compared to Adam's dream;--he
awoke and found it truth.--KEATS: _Letters_, November 22, 1817.
(1)
"Well," queried Tressor, "and what's the next move?"
He was seated at his desk in his study, pen in hand, a pile of
correspondence before him, and Paul, who had not been able to remain
still for five minutes since he had heard the news, was leaning at the
moment against the open window opposite. June had come in
full-throated. The trees in the Fellows' Garden were thick with green,
and the roses in the parterres flamed in the sun. Everything flamed in
such a sunlight as had never been before, nor, in its own way, would be
again. Miracles of that sort are not so uncommon in life as might be
thought, but each one stands by itself. So to-day Paul was inwardly if
only half-consciously marvelling at the world, seeing that it was
transfigured before him.
The don, watching him thoughtfully, was well aware of it. His own
experiences of a quarter of a century before, rose like a kindly ghost
before him. He knew in what a turmoil of suspense the boy must have
wakened, but yet how a kind of dear regret had lingered with him at
breakfast, the last breakfast of the true undergraduate stage, the
stage in which the future is all possibility, the die still unread even
if cast. He guessed how he and his friends had talked about everything
and thought only about one thing; how they had strolled round to the
Senate House; how a glamour had been there upon the ugly unimposing
dull building that he, the don, knew so well; how anxiety had spurred
the spirits of the men in the gallery; how the first names had been
greeted with relieved cheers. And he knew how Paul had heard his own
in the First Class Honours List of the History Tripos with a sense,
first, of utter unreality, and then of triumph that had given him for a
fleeting hour the carriage of a god.
Paul had come into King's Parade with his friends a new man. A light
had fallen on his ways, and at first, as always, he had been blissfully
ignorant of the bitter that lurks in all earth's sweets. He had been
ignorant for about as long as it took him to walk to the post office.
There, when Donaldson had said that there was no good his sending a
telegram, he had seen real envy in the eyes of a friend, and when the
clerk had read the flimsy paper without the flicker of an eyebrow, had
realised that the world is mighty big and cares nothing. Ah well, Paul
had thought as he hastened back to college, that made no difference to
the fact that he, Paul Kestern, had got a First, which nothing could
ever destroy and which would remain a title to respect among all sorts
and conditions of men. Differ with him as men might and would, he had
entered set and recognised lists and ridden a triumphant course.
And Tressor was genuinely pleased that the boy had come bursting in to
him, scarcely waiting to knock, greeting him with the eyes of a
grateful friend. "I've got it," he had cried, "I've got it, Tressor!
A First after all! Thanks to you more than to anyone. I can hardly
believe it's true."
Paul had walked about the study to tell his news. "Donaldson got a
third, Strether a second. I wish Gussie had got a first. I say, my
father will be pleased. How many? Oh there were only five given, out
of a hundred and thirty, I think. You know I never could have written
a decent line if it hadn't been for you. As it was I thought that
Special Period would dish me. I say--does it sound beastly?--I'm most
glad of all for one thing. Whatever I become, no one will ever be able
to say that if I'd known a little history I'd have been different!"
And so on, disjointedly, as the sense of it soaked in, and thoughts
rose in his mind like bright bubbles--rose and burst. Tressor
understood it all. And he liked the way the boy peered at a picture,
picked up a paper-knife and examined it as if it were something rare,
looked out at the roses, shot a questioning glance at him, and so on.
All these things were so many signposts to the eager mind. Tressor
felt again his own keen interest as to what that mind would do. And so
he had at last asked his question. "Well," he had said, "and what's
the next move?"
"Ah!" said Paul, and leant up against the open window-frame all at
once, very still.
"I'm only twenty-one," he said at last.
Tressor turned the statement over. Then he understood. "Two years
before you can be ordained," he said.
"Yes, thank God," said Paul, sincerely.
"Oh! Has it come to that?"
Paul's restlessness fell on him again, like a mantle. He straightened
himself, thrust his hands into his pockets, looked round, and flung
himself into a chair. "I suppose I've known it all the term," he said,
"but I've never realised it till now."
Tressor laid down his pen and leaned back. He was frankly curious.
The term had been so busy for both of them that this was the first
vital conversation, although, at odd intervals, he had thought a good
deal about the boy. Thus he knew of the visit to Thurloe End, but not
of any details. He knew of conflicts, not of decisions, if there had
been any.
"Yes," said Paul, "it has. I know one thing. I cannot be ordained in
the Church of England unless my mind changes a great deal between this
and then."
"That is odd to me," said Tressor meditatively. "That is one of the
things I could do."
"You?"
"Yes. The Anglican ministry stands for an orderly, decent, restrained
religious profession, but it does not commit the priest to dogmatic
extravagance."
"I see," said Paul. "The Church of England appeals to you on those
grounds exactly which make it impossible for me, at least as yet."
"But why? No bishop would refuse you on account of moderation."
"Quite so. But the Apostle had a word to say on that to the Church of
Laodicea."
Tressor frowned slightly. He disliked Paul in that mood. "Surely you
see now," he said, "that you cannot determine the universe by a single
text."
Paul threw his leg over the arm of his chair. "That is precisely what
I do see," he said. "I'm one immense note of interrogation."
The don smiled. "That's admirable, anyway, and that, I suppose, blocks
Rome. I'm unfeignedly glad. I confess I saw you go to Thurloe End
with some fear. You're impressionable, and Father Vassall has a
magnetic personality."
A shadow gathered in Paul's face, gathered and deepened. "But I played
the coward there," he said.
"Tell me," said Tressor, "if you can, that is."
"I'd like to." Paul was emphatic. Also the thing was very vivid to
him and had lost nothing in retrospection. His hearer saw the
situation as he unfolded it, saw it almost as vividly as Paul had seen
it, but his wonder grew almost more quickly than his interest. He
found himself scarcely listening, impatient of the final details. "So
you see," concluded Paul, "I was afraid to pray. I knew that if I gave
way an inch I should give way altogether. And in the end, I--I fled."
There was death in his voice.
"Well," retorted Tressor, "I congratulate you with all my heart.
Honestly, Paul, I did not think you had so much in you. Really, you
interest me enormously."
"What!" cried the genuinely astonished Paul.
"Of course. The whole thing was consummate staged emotionalism. And
you came through it, and Vassall's overwhelming hypnotic personality,
by the sheer force of your own will. No, honestly, I never dreamed you
had it in you. I am most extraordinarily glad."
Paul returned his leg to a normal position. He stared at the speaker
for appreciable seconds without a word. Then he laughed. "Well," he
said, "well---- And of course you may be right."
"I should say there can be no room for doubt.... But, if that's Rome,
why not the Church of England? Orders and a fellowship--writing,
lecturing, preaching. It would suit you admirably."
"It would not," retorted Paul decisively. "I should never be content.
Besides, what should I preach? For what should I stand? I cannot see
the Bible without the Gospel, and I can preach, in Christ's name,
nothing but that."
The don knit his brows. "Then what's the matter with an evangelical
ministry?"
Paul jumped up. He prowled about restlessly. Suddenly he made a
couple of gestures, one to the well-lined shelves, the other to the
garden. "That and that," he said.
"I'm afraid you go beyond me," said Tressor politely.
"Oh, I say, I'm sorry," cried Paul. "But--but--can't you see?
Doubtless it's sheer presumption, but evangelicalism seems to me
utterly divorced from reason and knowledge. It has no logical basis at
all. Rome may be wrong, but it's logical. It's a conceivable theory.
Evangelical Protestantism just won't _do_.... Look here, the Church
might be infallible, divine. It's just possible. I don't _know_ ...
but it's _possible_. But the Bible is not infallible--we know
that--and what is more, it would be useless if it were without an
explicit interpretation. That's certain, final."
Tressor glanced at his correspondence. He ought to attend to it, but,
on the other hand, an idea was forming in his mind. The more he
thought of it, the more he liked it. The letters might wait. He got
up and moved over towards the bookshelves. Paul, behind him, went on
abstractedly.
"And then there's the other reason. That seems to me less honourable,
less convincing, but--I can't help it--it's overpowering. Put it like
this. Could I possibly put on the scarlet jersey of the Salvation Army
and follow the band? _Could_ I? Well, I couldn't. That--that's an
insult to--to beauty, a blasphemy against--against--oh, I don't
know--against a summer's day, I think. And an evangelical ministry
means a red jersey, you know--or something like it. The Mission Hall,
for example; the Religious Tract Society.... I say, am I a--a damned
fool?"
Tressor had taken a little book off the shelves, and was half
mechanically turning the leaves. Immature, of course, weak in places,
but---- He put it back.
"Eh?" he queried, smiling. "A red jersey? No, I rather agree. But
the morning's going. Where are you lunching? Have some with me?"
"I'd love to," said Paul.
"Right. Give me half an hour for these letters. And at luncheon I'll
tell you what's come into my head." He smiled, affectionately.
"Thanks," said Paul, getting up. Then he remembered his First again,
overwhelmingly. "I think I'll just go and see," he said boyishly,
"whether there are any telegrams for me."
Tressor turned to his desk. "Do," he said. "One o'clock."
(2)
Paul walked across the Second Court whistling. In the screens he met
Strether. "There's only one other first," growled his friend.
"Judson. Shows what egregious asses the examiners were."
Paul hit him in the ribs. "Where is he?" he demanded. "I must go and
congratulate him."
"He's in the garden, reading telegrams. I believe there are some for
you. It's a sickening sight, but I'll come with you if you like."
Paul took his arm and they marched off. "I'm sorry you didn't get one,
Gussie," he said. "You deserved it."
The other snorted. "Rot," he grunted. "Never stood a look in. Lucky
to get a second. But I always thought you'd score."
Between the First Court and the river, under the chestnuts, were a
couple of deck-chairs and a rug. Judson in flannels sprawled there,
with Hannam, Donaldson and one or two others. Somebody tossed Paul
half a dozen orange envelopes. He threw himself down, and tore them
open. Mr. Kestern wired that he and Mrs. Kestern were coming up
to-morrow. Then an uncle had wired, and a grandfather. Mr. Ernest
also. There was one from school, and that intrigued Paul. It was
jolly to think that the Head and the rest of them had been expecting
the occasion, thinking of it, caring. Pleasant, too, that he had
conferred honour on the school. He stared out at the shining river,
and saw the old hall, the cut and mutilated forms, the honour boards,
the dais, the rows of shuffling schoolboys, and himself amongst them.
Announcements were made after prayers. To-morrow, probably, then, the
Head would say precisely: "I am sure the school will be glad to learn
that Paul Kestern, who went up to St. Mary's, Cambridge, in ... has
..." The school would cheer, sensing a possible half-holiday in
connection therewith. Well, he'd look in next month, towards the end
of July, and then---- It was really rather pleasant.
He reached for the last telegram, speculating idly who had sent it. He
could not know that Mr. Kestern had told the news to every possible
person in the street as he himself went to the post office. "I'm so
glad--Edith," he read.
He read it again and again. He glanced up covertly at the others.
Then he folded the thin paper, slipped it back in its envelope,
stretched himself out at full length and stared up into the blue sky.
Fragments of conversation from the men about him drifted in and out of
his mind, and now and again he had to respond to a remark addressed
point-blank to him. He was still pleasantly aware of achievement and
pride that must be hid. But he was wrestling all the while with an
enigma.
He had seen the girl once only after his visit to Thurloe End, during
the brief week-end of the vacation that he had spent at home. They had
walked deviously home from Sunday evening service, and he had poured
out his heart to her. He had been full of the contrast between Claxted
and Thurloe End, as well as the growing impossibility he was
experiencing in these occasional returns to service in the evangelical
atmosphere. There had been reaction, too, in his outlook after the
relief of escape from Father Vassall, and what with one thing and
another he had been meditating--he spoke to her as if he were
meditating--a return and a surrender. And she had astounded him: she
had utterly refrained from suggesting that he should not do so. Indeed
she had done more; she had brought to bear upon the problem the mind
of, as it were, a Claxted Catholic, though, since nothing had as yet
come of it, she had said nothing of her visit to St. Patrick's.
The witchery of Thurloe End had been meaningless to her. Claxted was
still to her dear and simple. She saw nothing whatever to alter in her
own home or in his. Barns, and shrines, and carven shields, merely
bewildered her. He had felt, as he talked, that so far as externals
went, she would have preferred the incandescent lights in rows, the red
drugget and the pitch-pine of the Mission Hall. Perfectly simply,
then, she had said:
"Paul, dear, if Jesus calls you, you must do what He says."
Parrot-like, he had answered her with the old cry: "But I don't know!"
He could feel now her fingers on his arm, clutching a little more
tightly. "Don't, Paul," she had said. "It seems to me quite plain.
Jesus doesn't hide Himself. He speaks plainly enough in our hearts,
and you--you 'know His voice.'"
He had stared hard at her in the light of a street lamp as they passed:
the firm little face rather sedate; the precise, neat dress; her gloved
hand; the little hymn and prayer book she carried which he had given
her, surreptitiously. Intuitively he saw that she belonged to Claxted;
yes, though he knew that he had modified her views not a little,
Claxted was bone of her bone and flesh of her flesh. Life was
amazingly simple to her. She might question the form in which the
things of religion reached her--the authority of Christ, His presence
in the Sacrament; she might become High Church in practice; but nothing
in Claxted rubbed her up the wrong way. And he saw suddenly just what
it meant that her home was in Edward Street and her father a
photographer. She was unobtrusive, trim, conventional. He had wanted
to seize her almost roughly, shake her, drag her out, and he had not
been able to do it at all because she would not have understood the
first syllable of explanation. Come to that, did he? Perhaps, that
very day, he had come to see more plainly the point. The scarlet
jersey--well, it was just a scarlet jersey to Edith Thornton. You put
it on, if Christ said so. Why not?
Lying there then, in the flush of success, blue shining sky above,
clear shining river hard by, her words in his pocket, no, in his heart,
Paul nevertheless saw a shadow athwart the sky. He had known long that
an impermeable curtain was slowly dropping between him and his people;
he had known that their very voices sounded odd--familiar, arrestingly
familiar, but as those who speak another tongue; and he had known that
the change lay in him and not in them. There were notes in the past
that no longer struck response, that reached him muffled, through the
curtain. And he saw plainly enough that Edith belonged to that side.
There was a shadow then even on this bright day. He loved her so. One
moment, was it quite that? Was it not rather that he wanted to love
her so much, wanted that they should speak and walk together, and knew
they could not? Inexorably, hate it as he might, the irresistible
tides were sweeping them apart. He was being moved on and out, protest
as he would and did. Yet he could not protest altogether as he would,
for his very heart was shaken. There was a "war in his members"--the
old, old phrase rose unbidden in his mind. And, serene and far as that
blue sky, God seemed to be.
Thus a thoughtful Paul went in to luncheon, yet wholly unaware of the
new flood that was even then gathering to its height and was about to
overmaster him. For a while the two talked inconsequently, on small
things. Then, when the coffee was on the table, Tressor reopened the
conversation of the morning.
"So, honestly, you don't quite know what to do next?"
"No. But I suppose I shall teach for a year or two, if possible do
some private coaching. I must earn money; I shall have to say no
definitely to the theological college next year, not this."
"Literature?"
"Well, of course, wherever I am I shall write. I can't help it. But
could I make a living with my pen? I don't suppose so, and I can't ask
my father for money. And even if I could, I doubt awfully if I could
do occasional journalism."
Tressor shook his head emphatically. "Don't try," he said. "It's an
impossibility for you, I should say--not your line at all."
Paul suddenly realised what a problem he was up against. He sighed.
"It's awfully hard," he said. "I suppose I must teach."
"No," said Tressor, "not yet anyway. I want you to give your own
literary taste a chance. Write poetry. Do another play--more
carefully this time."
Paul smiled ruefully. In the Lent Term he had had an inspiration.
Dropping his reading, cutting his lectures, burying himself in his
rooms, he had begun and written a play. And Tressor had lectured him
for the first, threatened dire things for the second, and finally and
utterly turned down the last.
"I'd love to," said Paul, "but--I couldn't write a line in Claxted
anyway."
"I know," said Tressor equably. "I don't suppose you could, and I'm
not suggesting it. But what about Fordham?"
"Fordham?" queried Paul, puzzled.
The other nodded. "Fordham--my house."
"But--but----"
"Yes; as you know, I have a house to which I go occasionally. My
friends sometimes consider it an unnecessary luxury since I'm only
there two or three times a year. But it's rather a nice house, and it
wants living in. It would do it good to have someone living in it and
looking after it a little. There are some cottages, and some rough
shooting, and a garden. I bought the place because of the garden;
you'd like it. You might write poetry in it, and a play, or half a
dozen, seeing how quickly you write. What do you say?"
He had talked slowly on to give Paul time. The boy's face was a study.
Even then, he hardly took it in.
"Do you mean go--go--as your--your guest?" he stammered.
"No," said Tressor, "not exactly as my guest. Have some more coffee?
You see, I want you to do some work. Go as my agent, let us say. My
housekeeper will look after you, and be glad of it, and I'll give you a
small salary. You'll keep yourself, and, I think, you'll write. To be
honest, I think you'll write well."
"Oh, I say!" cried Paul, only when it came to the point he had nothing
to say.
"I take it that's settled then?"
Words came with a rush. "I'd like it more than anything on earth. It
would be absolutely too good to be true. I can't thank you enough.
I--I----"
"Right, then. Thank me by writing good poetry. By the way, Manning is
coming down with me in August; do you think you could join us, and
remain on?"
"I must consult my father, of course," said Paul, "but I'm certain I
can say yes. How perfectly too glorious. Oh, I say, you're just too
good to me, sir."
"Let's go and smoke a cigarette in the Fellows' Garden."
On the way Paul remembered that another Children's Special Service
Mission had been in the air for that August. Dick Hartley had urged
it. Well, it was no longer in the air.
(3)
Paul met his parents on the station platform. Mr. Kestern shook his
hand firmly; his mother kissed him with tears of pride in her eyes.
"Oh, Paul," she whispered, "I'm so glad. Father's just delighted."
"The Lord has given you brains, sonnie," said the clergyman. "I pray
that you will use them always in His service."
"Yes, father," said Paul. "I say, I've such news for you."
"So have we, Paul," said Mrs. Kestern. "Madeline and Mr. Ernest are
coming up to see you take your degree."
"Are they? How jolly! We'll have a picnic up the river. But you'll
never guess what I've got to tell you. Wait till we're in the cab.
Porter, lend a hand with these traps, will you? I've got rooms for you
quite near St. Mary's, mother."
"Yes, dear. Oh, Paul, I can't believe you're grown up! It's so funny
to have my little son taking rooms for me."
Paul took her arm. "But, mater dear, I wish you would remember how old
I am."
Mrs. Kestern sighed. "We don't want to lose you, dear," she said
wistfully.
They were on thin ice, he thought. "Come on, this way. That cab will
do for us. In you get, mother."
"Well, Paul, and what's the great news?" asked his father as they drove
off.
Paul studied his face. He could not tell how he would take it. He
would be disappointed, but he might be rather proud. Anyway, he must
plunge.
"Mr. Tressor, father, wants me to go down to Fordham, nominally as his
agent, really to have a year at least in which to write. He thinks I
shall be able to do some good stuff. It will cost me nothing; he will
even give me a small salary; and I shall really and truly be able to
write at last."
"Paul!" cried his mother, and glanced swiftly at his father.
His father was not looking at him. "I take it, then," he said, "that
this project--possibility--of joining the Church of Rome, is
postponed--indefinitely?"
"Yes," replied Paul, suddenly astonished.
"Thank God," said Mr. Kestern, "thank God." (He paused a second,
swallowing in his throat.) "May I be forgiven for doubting that our
Lord ever failed to hear and answer prayer."
A little burst of anger flashed in Paul's heart. "At Thurloe End," he
said, "I should have become a Roman Catholic if--if----" He remembered
Tressor's comment, and stopped. If! If what? His mother supplied a
further example of the diverse possible interpretations of that
incident.
"Oh, my son," she said, "you will never know how your father agonised
in prayer for you. All the time you were in that terrible place----"
"That will do, mother," put in Mr. Kestern quickly. "The lad has been
saved, as it were, out of the mouth of the lion. That is enough.
Thank God, thank God. And when do you go to Fordham, Paul?"
Enthusiasm had died in the boy. "In August, father," he said heavily.
"For a year, Paul? You will be able to go to Ridley Hall afterwards?"
"I don't know, mother. Or at least---- It all depends, anyway."
"Mr. Tressor must take a great interest in you, dear. Shall we meet
him? Your father and I would like to thank him for his great kindness
to our boy."
"He is coming to lunch," said Paul. "Mrs. Roper is probably getting it
ready now. Manning and Strether are coming too. It'll be a bit of a
tight fit, but I think we can all squeeze in somehow."
It was two years since his parents had last been in his rooms. His
father's first look was for the text. It hung there still, Paul having
stubbornly refused to take it down. The man remembered that first
prayer, and again saw the hand of God upon him for good. Then he
espied the writing-desk; by this time it was a crucifix that hung
there. He looked quickly away; it were best to say nothing. His wife
took that cue from him. Besides, she had eyes for the oar that hung
immense the length of the wall. "Is that your oar, dear?" she asked.
"Did you row with it?"
Paul smiled. "No, mummie," he said with affectionate raillery, "I used
it for a walking-stick."
She glanced at him incredulously. Then smiled. "You shouldn't laugh
at me," she said. "Paul, where did you get the pictures!"
She was examining his prints. "Do you like them, mother?" he asked
proudly.
"Fairly, Paul. But I think I liked those dogs you had best. You
always were an odd boy. Do you remember your doves, and your newts?
Nasty things."
He laughed outright. "Oh, mother," he said, "my poor prints! But I've
got the Landseers stored in the Gyp-room and I'll bring them home for
you."
"Thank you, dear. I think they'd do nicely in your old bedroom, and
they'll remind you of college when you come home."
Paul was not required to answer. Manning knocked, came in, and was
introduced.
The days that followed were unforgettable. For one thing, they were to
be the last in the old town and each one had to be savoured to the
full. For another, only a few men, waiting for degrees, were up, and
Paul had to take his people through colleges and churches and chapels
that were not wholly deserted, but in which, nevertheless, beauty
reigned supreme in unaccustomed silence. He had a new pride in lawn
and court and hall. In a little, he was to be a part of the ancient
place, an admitted son, and a son, moreover, who could, so to speak,
look his foster-mother fairly in the face. Each separate street and
building, too, held a remembered association. It was odd to recall how
he had peered through the gate of Christ's and wondered if it were St.
Mary's; wandered through Trinity, not quite sure that he had a right to
be there; bought his first cake in that little grocer's; swept, one rag
night, triumphantly down Pety Cury in a hurrying host with proctors
hard in the rear. Then he had to show the Henry Martyn Hall, Parker's
Piece, St. Saviour's, and he even dared greatly and pointed out the
creeper-fronted Catholic presbytery.
Besides, the days gave him a new intimacy with his parents. A barrier
had gone, now that the spectre of the Scarlet Woman no longer peeped
out of every conversation. Also the furnishings of Claxted at least
were not here. His father, it is true, occasionally probed him to see
how far the original impulse to take Anglican Orders really remained,
but the thrusts were easily parried. His mother was more of a
difficulty. In Great St. Mary's she had laid a hand on his arm. "I
wonder if I shall ever see my son preach in that pulpit," she said
wistfully.
Paul had no heart to shatter her dream. "I wonder," he replied
lightly. But he knew that he did not.
The Ernests came up the day before the great occasion. In the
afternoon, the five of them went to a tea garden on the Upper River.
Paul refrained from asking any other men for two reasons: for one,
there was no one up, unless it were Strether, who would mix with his
father and Mr. Ernest; for the other it was rather a wonderful Madeline
that he met on the station platform. He never guessed how
perseveringly the visit and the garnishings had been schemed for,
planned and prepared. He only knew that she wore an amazingly simple
frock and a big hat from whose shade the regular beauty of her face
looked out at him. In the shaded sunlight, her big eyes, under the
dark lashes striking and unusual in so fair a blonde, laughed up at
his. "I say, Paul," she said, "you've no idea how proud we are of you."
"Don't," he cried, "you'll make me horribly nervous."
"Rubbish, you never are," she challenged. But it was not that that
made her look away content.
Strether saw them together, and found occasion to make enquiries in his
own fashion. "Who's the girl?" he growled.
Paul told him, gaily.
"Humph! Disgustin'. Better tell her there's no vicar's wife job going
beggin'."
"You old ass," said Paul.
But he told her, all the same. After tea, the elders sat on in the
dappled shade, and Paul dug out a punt and put the girl into it. They
floated gently into "Paradise," and he pulled in under a spreading
tree. "By Jove, it's hot," he said. "I think we'll lay up, if you
don't mind."
"Of course. Come and sit down." She moved her skirt and shifted a
cushion. She had no doubt whatever where he was to sit.
He threw himself down beside her. "May I smoke?" he asked. Claxted
seemed impossibly far.
"Of course. I love it, you know. I don't see why you shouldn't."
He tapped his cigarette on his case. "No," he said vaguely. It was so
trifling an incident, but it was one among many. Madeline at Cambridge
was, somehow, a new Madeline. He was aware how much he liked the
change, and he resolved to take Strether's advice.
"Do you know what I'm going to do next year?" he asked.
"No. Ridley?"
He told her.
She lay quite still. Then she heaved a little sigh. She couldn't help
it. For one thing, Paul was rather delicious in his collarless shirt
and blazer, the pillar of his throat good to see. For another, there
was utter charm about them: the soft-flowing river, the whisper of the
water under the punt's stern, the tall trees that met high overhead and
interlaced in their delicate beauty, the bright sunlight on the green
fields and swifter flow yonder, without the brooky tunnel. And
besides----
"I prayed about it, Paul," she said simply. She meant it. In her own
way, she meant it absolutely. Honestly, too, she was too glad to think
for a moment, as she might have done, that perhaps this was the very
best opening of them all. Yet, after all, it was not.
"_You_ prayed," queried Paul, frankly astonished.
"Yes. I thought you liked that horrid Father Vassall too much. I
thought you'd become a Roman Catholic as sure as fate. Mother said----
But never mind. You won't now anyway. Oh, Paul, will you write a real
play?"
"Look here," he said grimly, "I don't suppose I'll ever be a parson."
"Of course not. You can do much bett---- No," (she was very honest)
"that's not right. I admire clergymen ever so much. But you know,
Paul, almost anyone can be a clergyman."
"Can they? Yes, I suppose you're right. It looks rather like it
anyway."
"Of course they can. Ethel Cator's brother is going to be a clergyman;
you know him: he sings rather nicely. But just fancy writing a play!
Paul, I don't care what they say at Claxted: you must give me a box the
first night."
Paul suddenly thought he would.
She looked up at him dreamily. "You might even be an actor yourself,"
she said. "Do you remember those charades that Christmas at the
Gators'?" Then a trifle hastily: "Talking of them reminds me."
She had taken off her hat. Her hair was so much sunshot silk. And
Paul understood all about the charades at the Gators'. He had
extemporised the whole affair, scene by scene. It was the one thing he
loved at parties. And one scene had been the deck of a ship in the
evening, a piano playing in the background, she in a chair, he, playing
the lover, leaning on the bulwark. They had played it rather too well,
if anything, though the Gators were not the sort of people, even at
Claxted, to mind. And afterwards, Paul remembered, they had been
chaffed over it, in a jolly kind of way, and he had been flattered, and
they had gone on playing they were lovers, especially going down to
supper, on the stairs. It was rather nice of her to remember.
He leant a little towards her. "I remember," he said, looking down
into her face.
"We shall never see you after you go to Mr. Tressor's."
"You certainly will," he vowed. "I shall jolly well come. And I say,
perhaps you and your father might even come to see me, at Fordham."
"Oh," she breathed, "that _would_ be jolly. But it won't be possible,
you know, unless----"
"Unless what?"
She looked up swiftly, and away. A spirit moved in Paul, but then,
after all, he was not going to be a parson. He reached out and took
her hand. "Unless what?"
She laughed. "But perhaps you'll come back and preach occasionally at
the Mission Hall," she said. "The workers will miss you, Paul. Mr.
Derrick, Albert Vintner and Edith Thornton."
Paul gave no sign, or he thought he did not. She studied him. The
temptation to probe a little further was irresistible. "Miss
Thornton's getting quite High Church," she said. "Her people are
rather worried about it."
"Well," said Paul, rapidly mastering himself and speaking deliberately
now, "I'm inclined to be High Church myself, come to that. The
Catholic religion's rather wonderful, Madeline. Father Vassall thought
I ought to be a Redemptorist."
"What's that?"
"A friar. A member of the religious order of the Redemptorists. They
preach missions--a sort of Catholic evangelists."
"Is Father Vassall a Redemptorist?"
"Oh, no. He's a secular priest."
She nodded. "Yes, that's it. _He_ isn't a monk or a friar, but he'd
like you to be one. I know. I've heard father talk about it."
Paul detected the sneer. He was perfectly cool now. More than that,
he was getting angry. But he still held her hand, and she noticed
nothing. "Edith Thornton," he said, "is rather wonderful."
Madeline shifted a little. "Is she?" she questioned. "I can't say I
know her very well. She's full of good works, of course. I expect
she'd make a splendid wife for a curate. She'd rather like to marry a
clergyman, Paul."
"Wouldn't you, Madeline?"
She smiled slowly. "I think I'd rather marry a--a----"
For the life of him he couldn't help it. "An actor, perhaps," he said,
"or an author."
She flushed. "I don't know," she said in an undertone.
He laughed suddenly. "Well, Madeline," he said, "I'll remember. I
expect I'll be able to introduce you to ever so many. And I'm sure
they'd want to marry you anyway. There'll be no need to pray about
that."
He let go her hand and stood up. "By Jove," he said, "I think we ought
to be getting back."
(4)
So, then, the great day came and went. Scarlet splashed the streets.
Self-conscious young men moved about them in rabbit-skin hoods and
undergraduate gowns and fluttering bows of white, girls walked beside
them in conscious surrender of one day at any rate to superior claims,
and parents brooded majestically in the background. The files of
neophytes lined up on the crowded floor of the Senate House in an
atmosphere of subdued whispering talk, peering over heads and round
shoulders in an endeavour to see what was going forward at the far end.
One had occasional glimpses of a rather bored-looking personage in
robes on a raised chair, dons with sheafs of papers in the vicinity,
and some young man or another kneeling in stiff self-consciousness.
Other colleges' undergraduates went up, applauded by compatriots,
disdained by the rest. Paul was vividly rejoiced that he came from St.
Mary's and not from Emmanuel or Cats.; an Emmanuel rowing-blue,
arriving a little late, shouldered past him with a glance that shouted
aloud the absurdity of those half-dozen St. Mary's men. An usher gave
them their signal. Paul found himself in a cleared space, and saw
Tressor looming large on its edge. He was aware that he had to kneel
in a feudal attitude and that the Vice-Chancellor was murmuring Latin.
The indifference of the majority about him made the whole ceremony
oddly impersonal. And now they were all out again, and there was the
façade of the Library, and the buttresses of King's Chapel, looking
stained and grey against a grey sky.
That evening, Paul had an odd encounter. He had seen his people to
their rooms, and, returning, hesitated to ring the bell and enter
college. It had become a jolly night of stars, with a fleeting mist on
the river, and he was going down for good the very next day. He
thought he would walk through the old town for the last time, in the
ways he had walked so many times during the past three years, his mind
in a whirl of thought. So he strolled over the bridge, and down past
spectral St. Laurence's, and round the corner by portentous John's, and
so on to Trinity. And as he drew near to Trinity, the sound of bolts
being withdrawn in the great gateway came to his ears in the stillness.
The door opened, and a tall figure emerged. "Good-night, my lord,"
said the porter's voice, subservient, deferential.
"Good-night," replied the other cheerfully, and strode briskly forward.
Paul smiled to himself. When the black-gaitered figure came abreast,
he, too, spoke. "Good evening, my lord," he said.
The Bishop of Mozambique halted and stared through the night at his
interlocutor curiously. "Good evening," he said. "I fear I don't
recognise you."
"Naturally," said Paul. "Do you remember a railway carriage?"
"What! The sampler of Keswick Conventions and Wesleyan--was
it?--Conferences. A rather dogmatic and assertive young man, if I
remember rightly. Of course. How are you?"
"Very well, thanks. I've stayed up to take my degree."
"Good. Congratulations. What class did you get?"
Paul told him.
"Splendid," said the other, looking down more closely. "And now what's
the next move? Have you made up your mind yet? How's Father Vassall?"
Paul was wide awake and in a state of mental exaltation. The other's
voice was kindly and cheerful, and somehow invited confidences. He
thought rapidly, that, after all, here was an adviser to hand whose
point of view would be interesting hearing. Probably they would never
meet again, and instinctively he knew that this big, almost boyish
bishop would spare him five minutes and respect his confession.
Moreover, though the Bishop of Mozambique could hardly be said to be in
any way representative of the Church of England, at any rate he was an
Anglican bishop with authority and Paul was still of his communion.
It was a rapid and impulsive decision, but once made, he acted
immediately upon it. "Are you in a hurry?" he asked.
"Not particularly," said the Bishop, "but I'm lodging at Selwyn and
must get back pretty soon."
"May I walk up with you? I wanted a stroll. It's my last Cambridge
night, and it would be jolly through the Backs."
"Delighted. Shall we get on?"
They paced off together, a few steps in silence. Then Paul explained.
"I've decided what to do, temporarily at least. It doesn't matter what
just now, but it means a rejection of Orders, for a time at any rate,
and also of the Church of Rome. Now I came to that conclusion at
Father Vassall's house down at Thurloe End last vac., but it has
troubled me, more or less, ever since. I've heard several opinions
upon it, none of which agree with my own, and I'd very much like yours.
You see, you're the only bishop I know, and--and--you're Church of
England too."
The big man laughed. "Excellent," he said. "'I'm Church of England
too.' Well, well.... But I suppose I am, and if I can do anything
I'll be delighted. Not particularly for that reason though."
Paul sensed humour, but he could not see it. The other's voice,
however, was very friendly. And when the Bishop thrust his hand into
his arm and bade him get on with it, he did so.
Once more again, then, this time under the shadowy high trees, as they
paced in the scented dark past Fellows' gardens and placid sleeping
lawns, Paul told of his conflict in the little chapel. The Bishop
heard him very gravely. He asked a question or two as the story was
told, but for the most part heard in silence. And when the boy
finished, they walked a good hundred yards before he spoke. Then,
looking straight before him, weightily, gently, he delivered his
verdict.
"Kestern," he said, "I will tell you what I think, and I am pretty sure
of it because, though I've seen so little of you, I feel fairly sure of
you. I believe you love our Lord with all your heart. I believe you
wish to serve Him. And therefore I can tell you what I think of that
experience in the chapel."
Paul said nothing. Perhaps the other waited for him to speak, perhaps
he did not. At any rate, at last he spoke again. Indirectly he passed
his judgment. "'He shall give His angels charge concerning thee'," he
quoted, "'to keep thee in all thy ways.'"
And once more Paul could not believe his ears.
In silence the two finished their walk. They stood for a few minutes
outside of Selwyn Lodge, the tall big man looking into the boy's face
with oddly troubled eyes. "But----" he said at last. He broke off
abruptly. "I won't say it," he said. "It's not my job. You've asked
me one thing, and given me one confidence; I can say no more. You must
settle your own life."
"That's what Father Vassall says," put in Paul.
The other nodded. "He knows, of course," he said, as one professional
might speak of another. "But look here: we could do with you in
Mozambique if you care to come."
Paul was interiorly shaken by that more than a little. It was so
sudden. In a flash, he saw a path before his feet. A clergyman, a
missionary; not quite as he had imagined, but suppose the Bishop, after
all, were right? Catholicism without the Pope, Catholicism in a sense
with a kindlier, less definite cross. Fordham suddenly menaced him.
What if it meant, well, well--betrayal, a cleverly hid, intriguing,
attractive scheme, but betrayal. He hesitated.
"Think it over," said the Bishop.
He did not, could not know, of course, but the word tipped the scale.
Think! Paul had thought till he could think no more. For a while he
was done with thought. Fordham meant a year's rest, a year's solace.
"Thank you ever so much," he said. "I won't forget it. And thanks
awfully for hearing me. But I'm booked for a year at least. Good-bye."
"Good-bye," said the Bishop. "God bless you."
Paul walked off to St. Mary's alone, if a man who walks with a thousand
fears, doubts, desires, hopes and loves legioned in his heart, ever
walks alone.
In the morning he breakfasted with Manning. His friend was
enthusiastic over the possibility of Fordham, and utterly and wholly
delighted. He himself, having spent a fourth year in research work,
was off to Central Africa in September to shoot big game and
incidentally study tropical medicine, but he would see Paul at the
Manor before he went. He was an odd mixture, and Paul rather envied
him. Money, or the lack of it, did not hamper him; in his own subject,
he was distinctly brilliant; yet his science was a plaything in his
life. He did not sit lightly to the serious subjects that worried
Paul, but he rode them on the curb with easy mastery. Paul was
increasingly aware that he wanted, nowadays, to talk to Manning.
Thus, then, that the second post and not the first brought him his
letter, mattered not a little--perhaps.
"MY DEAR" (Father Vassall wrote),
"I'll be quite honest; I don't like it. It seems to me that you are
going down to Fordham as Jonah took ship for Tarshish. God grant
there's a storm--and a whale! I shall pray for it anyway, so look out.
Of course, after your visit here, I've no right to judge, for I believe
you did not play tricks. But it beats me.... Honestly, I'd rather,
far rather, hear that you were going to be a PROTESTANT CLERGYMAN!
"However, I'm here if you want me."
Paul, Mr. and Mrs. Kestern, Mr. Ernest and Madeline caught the 11.20 to
town. They were all a bit subdued, especially Madeline.