AN OLD GENTLEMAN (_who has come out with the object of observing Bank
Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to his
friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_).
There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins.
Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying
experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd, enjoying itself
in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with
marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't
agree with me?
HIS FRIEND (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather
pathetic than----
THE O. G. (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people
putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a
crowd----
[_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption of typical
Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._
MAN BY THE WINDOW. Third-class as good as fust, these days! Why, if
there ain't ole Fred! Wayo, Fred, tumble in, ole son--room for one more
standin'!
["OLE FRED" _plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin trumpet,
after which he playfully hammers the roof with his stick, as he leans
against the door_.
OLE FRED. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and I
ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a naturally
powerful voice._) "Comrides, Comrides! Hever since we was boys! Sharin'
each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!"
[_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of repetition._
THE O. G. Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there, Sir?
[_Whimpers from over-tired children._
OLE FRED (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! No
matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril of my
moth-ar, (_to_ O. G.) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I see or
'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"
[_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing blast upon the
trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._
THE O. G. (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an infernal
nuisance! There are women and children here who----
OLE FRED. Shet up, old umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter from
women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An' the roof
is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my double-breasted
mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform, as train stops._)
_Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! hoi-toi-oy!"
[_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your eye," &c. and
beat time with their boots._
THE O. G. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the
guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this!
THE MAN BY THE WINDOW. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough to
urt 'im, _'e_ ain't!
CHORUS OF FEMALES (_to_ O. G.). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to be
_ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you on'y let
him alone!
OLE FRED (to O. G.). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy! (_sings
dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-toime! Ow! for the dyes gorn
boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless, I wander in
lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!" (_Here he sheds
tears,_ _overcome by his own pathos, but presently cheers up._) "I
dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a rare-un at a rollick,
or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere wanter foight me? Don't say no,
ole Frecklefoot! (_To the_ O. G., _who perspires freely_.) "Oh, I _am_
enj'yin' myself!"
[_He keeps up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the
remainder of the journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and
takes quite three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road,
Battersea, to Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources,
if it somewhat modifies the_ O. G.'S _enthusiasm for the artless gaiety
of a Bank Holiday_.
A Row in the Pit; or, The Obstructive Hat.
SCENE--_The Pit during Pantomime Time. The Overture is
beginning._
AN OVER-HEATED MATRON (_to her Husband_). Well, they don't give you much
_room_ in 'ere, I _must_ say. Still, we done better than I expected,
after all that crushing. I thought my ribs was gone once--but it was
on'y the umberella's. You pretty comfortable where _you_ are, eh,
Father?
FATHER. Oh, I'm right enough, I am.
JIMMY (_their Son; a small, bullet-headed boy, with a piping voice_). If
_Father_ is, it's more nor what _I_ am. I can't see nothen, I can't!
HIS MOTHER. Lor' bless the boy! there ain't nothen to _see_ yet; you'll
see well enough when the Curting goes up. (_Curtain rises on opening
scene._) Look, Jimmy, ain't _that_ nice, now? All them himps dancin'
round, and real fire comin' out of the pot--which I 'ope it's quite
safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on, dressed so grand, too!
JIMMY. I can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--nor nothen!
[_He whimpers._
HIS MOTHER (_annoyed_). Was there ever such a aggravating boy to take
anywheres! Set quiet, do, and don't fidget, and look at the hactin'!
JIMMY. I tell yer I can't _see_ no hactin', Mother. It ain't my
fault--it's this lady in front o' me, with the 'at.
MOTHER (_perceiving the justice of his complaints_). Father, the pore
boy says he can't see where he is, 'cause of a lady's 'at in front.
FATHER (_philosophically_). Well, _I_ can't 'elp the 'at, can I? He must
put up with it, that's all!
MOTHER. No--but I thought, if you wouldn't mind changing places with
him--you're taller than him, and it wouldn't be in your way 'arf so
much.
FATHER. It's always the way with you--never satisfied, _you_ ain't!
Well, pass the boy across--I'm for a quiet life, I am. (_Changing
seats._) Will _this_ do for you?
[_He settles down immediately behind a very large, furry, and feathery
hat, which he dodges for some time, with the result of obtaining an
occasional glimpse of a pair of legs on the stage._
FATHER (_suddenly_). D----the 'at!
[Illustration: "THE OWNER OF THE HAT DEIGNS NO REPLY."]
MOTHER. You can't wonder at the _boy_ not seeing! P'raps the lady
wouldn't mind taking it off, if you asked her?
FATHER. Ah! (_He touches_ THE OWNER OF THE HAT _on the shoulder_.)
Excuse me, Mum, but might I take the liberty of asking you to kindly
remove your 'at? [THE OWNER OF THE HAT _deigns no reply_.
FATHER (_more insistently_). Would you 'ave any objection to oblige me
by taking off your 'at, Mum? (_Same result._) I don't know if you
_'eard_ me, Mum, but I've asked you twice, civil enough, to take that
'at of yours off (_pathetically_). I'm a playin' 'Ide and Seek be'ind it
'ere! [_No answer._
THE MOTHER. People didn't ought to be allowed in the Pit with sech 'ats!
Callin' 'erself a lady--and settin' there in a great 'at and feathers
like a 'Ighlander's, and never answering no more nor a stuffed himage!
FATHER (_to the Husband of_ _The Owner of the Hat_). Will you tell your
good lady to take her 'at off, Sir, please?
THE OWNER OF THE HAT (_to her Husband_). Don't you do nothing of the
sort, Sam, or you'll _'ear_ of it!
THE MOTHER. Some people are perlite, I must say. Parties might _beyave_
as ladies when they come in the Pit! It's a pity her 'usband can't teach
her better manners!
THE FATHER. _'Im_ teach her! 'E knows better. 'E's got a Tartar there,
_'e_ 'as!
THE OWNER OF THE HAT. Sam, are you going to set by and hear me insulted
like this?
HER HUSBAND (_turning round tremulously_). I--I'll trouble you to drop
making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at, Sir. It's puffickly
impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage with all these
remarks be'ind!
THE FATHER. Not more nor it is to _see_ what's going on on the stage
with that 'at in front! I paid 'arf-a-crown to see the Pantermime, I
did; not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at!... 'Ere, Maria, blowed if I
can stand this 'ere game any longer. Jimmy must change places again, and
if he can't see, he must jest stand up on the seat, that's all!
[JIMMY _is transferred to his original place, and mounts upon the seat_.
A PITTITE BEHIND JIMMY (_touching up_ JIMMY'S _Father with an
umbrella_). Will you tell your little boy to set down, please, and not
block the view like this?
JIMMY'S FATHER. If you can indooce that lady in front to take off her
'at, I will--but not before. Stay where you are, Jimmy, my boy.
THE PITTITE BEHIND. Well, I must stand myself then, that's all. I mean
to see, _somehow_! [_He rises._
PEOPLE BEHIND HIM (_sternly_). Set down there, will yer?
[_He resumes his seat expostulating._
JIMMY. Father, the gentleman behind is a pinching of my legs!
JIMMY'S FATHER. Will you stop pinching my little boy's legs! He ain't
doing _you_ no 'arm--is he?
THE PINCHING PITTITE. Let him sit down, then!
JIMMY'S FATHER. Let the lady take her 'at off!
MURMURS BEHIND. Order, there! Set down! Put that boy down! Take orf that
'at! Silence in front, there! Turn 'em out! Shame! ... &c., &c.
THE HUSBAND OF THE O. OF THE H. (_in a whisper to his Wife_). Take off
the blessed 'at, and have done with it, do!
THE O. OF THE H. What--_now_! I'd sooner _die_ in the 'at!
[An ATTENDANT _is called_.
THE ATTENDANT. Order, there, Gentlemen, please--unless you want to get
turned out! No standing allowed on the seats--you're disturbing the
performance 'ere, you know!
[JIMMY _is made to sit down, and weeps silently_; _the hubbub gradually
subsides--and_ THE OWNER OF THE HAT _triumphs--for the moment_.
JIMMY'S MOTHER. Never mind, my boy, you shall have Mother's seat in a
minute. I dessay, if all was known, the lady 'as reasons for keeping her
'at on, pore thing!
THE FATHER (_perceiving her drift_). Ah, I never thought o' that. So she
may. Very likely her 'at won't _come_ off--not without her _'air_!
THE MOTHER. Ah, well, we mustn't be 'ard on her, if that's so.
THE O. OF THE H. (_removing the obstruction_). I 'ope you're satisfied
_now_, I'm sure?
THE FATHER (handsomely). Better late nor never, Mum, and we take it kind
of you. Though, why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust, I dunno; for you
look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than what you did in it--_don't_
she, Maria?
THE O. OF THE H. (_mollified_). Sam, ask the gentleman behind if his
little boy would like a ginger-nut.
[_This olive-branch is accepted; compliments pass; cordiality is
restored, and the Pantomime proceeds without further disturbance._