SCENE--_An Open Space. Rain falling in torrents. An Indignation Meeting
is being held to protest against the Royal Grants. The Chairman presides
at a small portable reading-desk, generally alluded to as The "Nostrum";
a ring of more or less Earnest Radicals, under umbrellas, surround him.
Speakers address the Meeting in rapid succession; a Man with a red flag
gives it a sinister wave at any particularly vigorous expression. Her
Gracious Majesty the Queen is repeatedly described as "this mis-rubble
ole bein'," an Archbishop is invariably mentioned as an "Arch-rogue,"
while the orators and the audience appear from their remarks to be the
only persons capable of worthily guiding this unhappy Country's
destinies. Policemen in couples look on from a distance and smile
indulgently._
AN ORATOR (_bitterly_). The weather is against us, Feller Republikins,
there's no denyin' that. As we were tramping along 'ere, through the mud
and in the rain, wet to the skin, I couldn't 'elp remarking to a friend
o' mine, that if it had been a pidging-shootin' match at Urlingham, or a
Race-meeting at Hascot, things 'ud ha' been diff'rent! Ther'd ha' bin
blue sky and sunshine enough _then_. Well, I 'spose hany weather's
considered good enough for the likes of hus! Hany weather'll do for pore
downtrod slaves to assert their man'ood and their hindependence in!
(_Cries of "Shame!"_) Never you mind--hour turn'll come some day! We
sha'n't _halways_ be 'eld down, and muzzled, and silenced, and prevented
uttering the hindignation we've a right to feel! (_Bellowing._) We shall
make our vices 'eard one day! But I'm reminded by my friend as I've got
to keep to the pint. Well (_he composes his features into a sneer_) I'm
told as 'ow 'Er Most Gracious Madjesty--(_"Booing" from Earnest
Radicals_)--'Er Most Gracious Madjesty--'as she calls 'erself--'as put
by a little matter of a millum an' a 'arf--since she came to the Throne.
Now, Feller Republikins, that millum an' a 'arf 'as come out of _your_
pockets!
SEVERAL PERSONS (_who do not look as if they paid a heavy income tax_).
'Ear 'ear!
ORATOR. Yes, it belongs to the People--ah! and you've a legal right to
demand it back--a legal _right_! And I arsk you--if that millum and a
'arf of money was to be divided among the Toilers of London
ter-morrow--'ow many Hunemployed should we see? (_Crowd deeply impressed
by this forcible argument._) Yet we're arst to put our 'ands in our
pockets to support the Queen's children!
A GENTLEMAN WITH VERY SHORT HAIR. Shame--never! [_Puts his hand in
somebody else's pocket by way of emphasising his declaration._]
ORATOR. Feller Republikins, if a Queen don't do the work as she's paid
for doin' of, what ought to be done with 'er? I put it to _you_!
A VERY EARNEST RADICAL. The Scaffild!
[_Looks round nervously to see if a Policeman is within hearing._
A FAT LADY (_who has been ejaculating. "Oh, it is a shime, it is!" at
every fresh instance of Royal expenditure_). Well, I must say that's
_rather_ strong langwidge!
ANOTHER ORATOR. Gentlemen, I regret to say that, on this monstrous fraud
and attempted imposition known as "The Royal Grants Bill," Mr. Gladstone
voted with the Government. [_Frantic applause._
ORATOR (_puzzled_). Yes, Gentlemen, I am here to state facts, and I am
ashamed to say, that on this single occasion Mr. Gladstone--went wrong.
[_Shouts of "No! No!"_
A FERVID GLADSTONIAN (_waving his umbrella_). Three cheers for Mr.
Gladstone, what-_hever_ he does!
[_The_ CROWD _join in heartily_; ORATOR _decides to drop the
point, particularly as it does not seem to affect the Meeting's
condemnation of the principle of the Bill_.
AN IRISH PATRIOT. I've often harrd tell, Gintlemen, of a certain
stra-ange animal they carl a "Conservative Warkin-Man" (_Roars of_
_laughter_). A Warkin-Man a Conservative! Why, bliss me sowl, the
thing's absurd! There niver _was_ such a purrson in this Warld. A
Conservative Warkin-Man! why--(_takes refuge in profanity_). If there
was why don't we iver hear 'um in an assimbly of this sort? Why hasn't
he the common manly courage to come forward and defind his opinions?
_We'd_ hear 'um, Gintlemen. It's the proud boast of Radicals and
Republikins that they'd give free speech and a fair hearin' to ivery
man, no matter hwhat his opinions are, but ye'll niver see 'um stip
farward at ahl--and hwhy?
A DECENT MECHANIC. Well, look 'ere, mate, _I'm_ a Conservative
Working-Man, if ye'd like to know, and I ain't afraid to defend my
opinions. Come now!
THE CHAIRMAN (_somewhat taken aback_). Well, Friends, while I conduct
this chair, I can promise this man a puffickly fair 'earin', and I'm
sure you will listen to him patiently, whatever you may think of his
arguments. (_Cries of 'Ear--'ear! "Fair play hall the world hover!"
"We'll listen to him quiet enough!"_) First of all, I must be satisfied
that our Friend is what he professes to be. We want no Sham Workin'-men
_'ere_. [_Brandishes a foot-rule in evidence of the genuineness of his
own claims._
THE D. M. Am I a workin'-man? Well, I've made ladies' boots at sixpence
an hour for three years--d'ye call that bein' a Workin' Man? I've soled
and 'eeled while you wait in a stall near Southwark Bridge seven years
an' a arf! Praps you'll call _that_ a Workin'-Man? (_Cries of "Keep to
the Point!"_) Oh, I'll keep to the point right enough. There's this
Irishman here been a tellin' of you 'ow wrong it is to turn his
countrymen out of their 'ouses when they don't pay their rent. Ain't
_we_ turned out of our 'ouses, if we don't pay ourn? 'Oo snivels over
_hus_?
THE I. P. No personalities now! It's my belief ye're a Landlord yerself!
[_Uproar._
THE D. M. I _told_ yer ye wouldn't 'ear me now!
A SOCIALIST (_in a stentorian voice_). Feller Demmercrats, as an
ex-Fenian and an ex-Convict, I implore you--give this man a hearin'!
THE D. M. Then about this Royal Grant. (_Cries of "Shut up!" "Go 'ome!"
"Don't tork nonsense!"_) If you're going to 'ave a King and
Queen at
all--(_Cries of "We ain't! Down with 'em!"_) Ah, then I s'pose you're
going to put up fellers like 'im (_pointing to the Socialist_), and 'im
(_pointing to Chairman_), and 'im! [_Uproar._
[Illustration: "SHOW IT NOW, BY PUTTING MONEY IN THIS 'AT!"]
THE SOCIALIST. Fellow-Citizens, I appeal to you, give this man
rope--he's doing our work splendidly!
THE D. M. Well, all I've got to say is----(_Shouts of "Get down!" Yells
and booing_). Oh, you won't tire me out that way. All _I_ can say is,
I'd a precious sight rather----
THE CHAIRMAN (_excitedly_). Fellow citizens, we've listened to this man
long enough--these sentiments are an insult to the meeting!
[_Yells as before._
THE SOCIALIST (_extending a billycock hat with a passionate gesture_).
Feller Demmercrats, if you are earnest, if you are sincere in the
indignation, the just hindignation, this man provokes--show it now, by
putting money in this 'at for the Plan o' Campaign! [_The storm lulls._