SCENE--_A London Lawn. A Band in a costume half-way between the uniforms
of a stage hussar and a circus groom, is performing under a tree. Guests
discovered slowly pacing the turf, or standing and sitting about in
groups._
MRS. MAYNARD GERY (_to her_ _Brother-in-law_--_who is thoroughly aware
of her little weaknesses_). Oh, Phil,--you know everybody--_do_ tell me!
Who is that common-looking little man with the scrubby beard, and the
very yellow gloves--how does he come to be _here_?
PHIL. Where? Oh, I see him. Well--have you read _Sabrina's Uncle's Other
Niece_?
MRS. M. G. No--_ought_ I to have? I never even heard of it!
PHIL. Really? I wonder at that--tremendous hit--you must order
it--though I doubt if you'll be able to get it.
MRS. M. G. Oh, I shall _insist_ on having it. And _he_ wrote it? Really,
Phil, now I come to look at him, there's something rather striking about
his face. Did you say _Sabrina's Niece's Other Aunt_--or what?
PHIL. _Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_ was what I _said_--not that it
signifies.
MRS. M. G. Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names,
myself. And do you know him?
PHIL. What, Tablett? Oh, yes--decent little chap; not much to say for
himself, you know.
MRS. M. G. I don't mind _that_ when a man is _clever_--do you think you
could bring him up and introduce him?
PHIL. Oh, I _could_--but I won't answer for your not being disappointed
in him.
MRS. M. G. I have never been disappointed in any genius _yet_--perhaps,
because I don't expect too much--so go, dear boy; he may be surrounded
unless you get hold of him soon. [Phil _obeys_.
PHIL (_accosting the Scrubby Man_). Well, Tablett, old fellow, how are
things going with you? _Sabrina_ flourishing?
MR. TABLETT (_enthusiastically_). It's a tremendous hit, my boy; orders
coming in so fast they don't know how to execute 'em--there's a fortune
in it, as I always told you!
PHIL. Capital!--but you've such luck. By the way, my sister-in-law is
most anxious to know you.
MR. T. (_flattered_). Very kind of her. I shall be delighted. I was just
thinking I felt quite a stranger here.
PHIL. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she asks you to her
parties by any chance, mind you go--sure to meet a lot of interesting
people.
MR. T. (_pulling up his collar_). Just what I enjoy--meeting interesting
people--the only society worth cultivating, to my mind, Sir. Give me
_intellect_--it's of more value than wealth!
[_They go in search of_ Mrs. M. G.
FIRST LADY ON CHAIR. Look at the dear Vicar getting that poor Lady
Pawperse an ice. What a very spiritual expression he has, to be
sure--really quite apostolic!
SECOND LADY. We are not in his parish, but I have always heard him
spoken of as a most excellent man.
FIRST LADY. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect _Saint_! I don't
believe he knows what it is to have a single worldly thought! And such
trials as he has to bear, too! With that _dreadful_ wife of his!
SECOND LADY. That's the wife, isn't it?--the dowdy little woman, all
alone, over there? Dear me, what _could_ he have married her for?
FIRST LADY. Oh, for her _money_ of course, my dear!
MRS. PATTALLON (_to_ MRS. ST. MARTIN SOMERVILLE). Why, it really _is_
you! I absolutely didn't know you at first. I was just thinking "Now
who _is_ that young and lovely person coming along the path?" You see--I
came out without my glasses to-day, which accounts for it!
MR. CHUCK (_meeting a youthful Matron and Child_). Ah, Mrs. Sharpe, how
de do! _I'm_ all right. Hullo, TOTO, how are _you_, eh, young lady?
TOTO (_primly_). I'm very well indeed, thank you. (_With sudden
interest._) How's the idiot? Have you seen him lately?
MR. C. (_mystified_). The idiot, eh? Why, fact is, I don't _know_ any
idiot!--give you my word!
TOTO (_impatiently_). Yes, you _do_--_you_ know. The one Mummy says
you're next door to--you must see him _sometimes_! You _did_ say Mr.
Chuck was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy? [_Tableau._
MRS. PRATTLETON. Let me see--_did_ we have a fine Summer in '87? Yes, of
course--I always remember the weather by the clothes we wore, and that
June and July we wore scarcely anything--some filmy stuff that belonged
to one's ancestress, don't you know. _Such_ fun! By the way, what has
become of Lucy?
MRS. ST. PATTICKER. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her lately--you see
she's so perfectly happy now, that she's ceased to be in the least
interesting!
MRS. HUSSIFFE (_to_ MR. DE MURE). Perhaps _you_ can tell me of a good
coal merchant? The people who supply me now are perfect _fiends_, and I
really must go somewhere else.
MR. DE MURE. Then I'm afraid you must be rather difficult to please.
MR. TABLETT _has been introduced to_ MRS. MAYNARD GERY--_with the
following result_.
MRS. M. G. (_enthusiastically_). I'm so delighted to make your
acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who you were, I positively
very nearly shrieked. I am such an admirer of your--(_thinks she won't
commit herself to the whole title--and so compounds_)--your delightful
_Sabrina_!
MR. T. Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure. I'm told there's a growing
demand for it.
MRS. M. G. Such a hopeful sign--when one was beginning quite to despair
of the public taste!
MR. T. Well, I've always said--So long as you give the Public a really
first-rate article, and are prepared to spend any amount of money on
_pushing_ it, you know, you're sure to see a handsome return for your
outlay--in the long run. And of course you must get it carefully
analysed by competent judges--
MRS. M. G. Ah, but _you_ can feel independent of criticism now, can't
you?
MR. T. Oh, I defy any one to find anything unwholesome in it--it's as
suitable for the most delicate child as it is for adults--nothing to
irritate the most sensitive--
MRS. M. G. Ah, you mean certain critics are so thin-skinned--they are:
indeed!
MR. T. (_warming to his subject_). But the beauty of this particular
composition is that it causes absolutely no unpleasantness or
inconvenience afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm.
I've known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has completely
cured.
MRS. M. G. (_rather at sea_). How gratifying that must be. But that is
the magic of all truly great work, it is such an _anodyne_--it takes
people so completely out of themselves--doesn't it?
MR. T. It takes anything of that sort out of _them_, Ma'am. It's the
finest discovery of the age, no household will be without it in a few
months--though perhaps I say it who shouldn't.
MRS. M. G. (_still more astonished_). Oh, but I _like_ to hear you. I'm
so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have done,
it's such a _pose_, and I hate posing. Real genius is _never_ modest.
(_If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, reversed this
axiom._) I _wish_ you would come and see me on one of my Tuesdays, MR.
TABLETT, I should feel so honoured, and I think you would meet some
congenial spirits--do look in some evening--I will send you a card if I
may--let me see--could you come and lunch next Sunday? I've got a little
man coming who was very nearly eaten up by cannibals. I think _he_ would
interest you.
MR. T. I shall be proud to meet him. Er--did they eat _much_ of him?
MRS. M. G. (_who privately thinks this rather vulgar_). How _witty_ you
are! That's quite worthy of--er--_Sabrina_, really! Then you _will_
come? So glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any
longer. [_She dismisses him._