left me, till one day, as I was looking out of a dining-room window, I
saw her pass by, but I did not dare ask her to come in, for fear my lord
should hear of her being there, which would have been adding fuel to the
fire; however, she, looking up at the house, saw me. I made a motion to
her to stay a little about the door, and in the meantime I wrote a note,
and dropped it out of the window, in which I told her how I had lived in
her absence, and desired her to write me a letter, and carry it the next
day to my sempstress's house, who would take care to deliver it to me
herself.
I told Isabel that she should let me know when the milliner came again,
for I had some complaints to her about getting up my best suit of
Brussels lace nightclothes. On the Saturday following, just after I had
dined, Isabel came into my apartment. "My lady," says she, "the milliner
is in the parlour; will you be pleased to have her sent upstairs, or
will your ladyship be pleased to go down to her?" "Why, send her up,
Isabel," said I, "she is as able to come to me as I am to go to her; I
will see her here."
When the milliner came into my chamber, I sent Isabel to my
dressing-room to fetch a small parcel of fine linen which lay there, and
in the interim she gave me Amy's letter, which I put into my pocket,
and, having pretended to be angry about my linen, I gave her the small
bundle Isabel brought, and bid her be sure to do them better for the
future.
She promised me she would, and went about her business; and when she was
gone, I opened Amy's letter, and having read it, found it was to the
following purpose, viz., that she had opened a coffee-house, and
furnished the upper part of it to let out in lodgings; that she kept two
maids and a man, but that the trade of it did not answer as she had
reason to expect; she was willing to leave it off, and retire into the
country to settle for the rest of her life, but was continually harassed
by such disturbance in her conscience as made her unfit to resolve upon
anything, and wished there was a possibility for her to see me, that she
might open her mind with the same freedom as formerly, and have my
advice upon some particular affairs; and such-like discourse.
It was a pretty while before I heard from Amy again, and when I did, the
letter was in much the same strain as the former, excepting that things
were coming more to a crisis; for she told me in it that her money was
so out, that is, lent as ready money to traders, and trusted for liquors
in her house, that if she did not go away this quarter, she should be
obliged to run away the next. I very much lamented her unfortunate case,
but that could be no assistance to her, as I had it not now in my power
to see her when I would, or give her what I pleased, as it had always
used to be; so all I could do was to wish her well, and leave her to
take care of herself.
About this time it was that I perceived my lord began to look very pale
and meagre, and I had a notion he was going into a consumption, but did
not dare tell him so, for fear he should say I was daily looking for his
death, and was now overjoyed that I saw a shadow of it; nevertheless, he
soon after began to find himself in a very bad state of health, for he
said to me one morning, that my care would not last long, for he
believed he was seized by a distemper it was impossible for him to get
over. "My lord," said I, "you do not do me justice in imagining anything
concerning me that does not tend to your own happiness, for if your body
is out of order, my mind suffers for it." Indeed, had he died then,
without making a will, it might have been well for me; but he was not so
near death as that; and, what was worse, the distemper, which proved a
consumption (which was occasioned chiefly by much study, watchings,
melancholy thoughts, wilful and obstinate neglect of taking care of his
body, and such like things), held him nine weeks and three days after
this, before it carried him off.
He now took country lodgings, most delightfully situated both for air
and prospect, and had a maid and man to attend him. I begged on my knees
to go with him, but could not get that favour granted; for, if I could,
it might have been the means of restoring me to his favour, but our
breach was too wide to be thoroughly reconciled, though I used all the
endearing ways I had ever had occasion for to creep into his favour.
Before he went out of town he locked and sealed up every room in the
house, excepting my bedchamber, dressing-room, one parlour, and all the
offices and rooms belonging to the servants; and, as he had now all my
substance in his power, I was in a very poor state for a countess, and
began to wish, with great sincerity, that I had never seen him, after I
had lived so happy a life as I did at the Quaker's. For notwithstanding
our estates joined together, when we were first married, amounted to
£3376 per annum, and near £18,000 ready money, besides jewels, plate,
goods, &c., of a considerable value, yet we had lived in a very high
manner since our taking the title of earl and countess upon us; setting
up a great house, and had a number of servants; our equipage, such as
coach, chariot, horses, and their attendants; a handsome fortune my lord
had given to my daughter, and a very noble one to my son, whom he loved
very well, not for his being my son, but for the courteous behaviour of
him in never aspiring to anything above a valet after he knew who he
was, till my lord made him his secretary or clerk. Besides all these
expenses, my lord, having flung himself into the trade to the Indies,
both East and West, had sustained many great and uncommon losses,
occasioned by his merchandise being mostly shipped in English bottoms;
and that nation having declared war against the crown of Spain, he was
one of the first and greatest sufferers by that power; so that, on the
whole, our estate, which was as above, dwindled to about £1000 per
annum, and our home stock, viz., about £17,000, was entirely gone. This,
I believe, was another great mortification to his lordship, and one of
the main things that did help to hasten his end; for he was observed,
both by me and all his servants, to be more cast down at hearing of his
losses, that were almost daily sent to him, than he was at what had
happened between him and me.
Nothing could give more uneasiness than the damage our estate sustained
by this traffic. He looked upon it as a mere misfortune that no person
could avoid; but I, besides that, thought it was a judgment upon me, to
punish me in the loss of all my ill-got gain. But when I found that his
own fortune began to dwindle as well as mine, I was almost ready to
think it was possible his lordship might have been as wicked a liver as
I had, and the same vengeance as had been poured upon me for my repeated
crimes might also be a punishment for him.
As his lordship was in a bad state of health, and had removed to a
country lodging, his study and counting-house, as well as his other
rooms, were locked and sealed up; all business was laid aside, excepting
such letters as came to him were carried to his lordship to be opened,
read, and answered. I also went to see him morning and evening, but he
would not suffer me to stay with him a single night. I might have had
another room in the same house, but was not willing the people who kept
it should know that there was a misunderstanding between us; so I
contented myself to be a constant visitor, but could not persuade him to
forgive me the denying of my daughter, and acting the part of Roxana,
because I had kept those two things an inviolable secret from him and
everybody else but Amy, and it was carelessness in her conduct at last
that was the foundation of all my future misery.
As my lord's weakness increased, so his ill temper, rather than
diminish, increased also. I could do nothing to please him, and began to
think that he was only pettish because he found it was his turn to go
out of the world first. A gentleman that lived near him, as well as his
chaplain, persuaded him to have a physician, to know in what state his
health was; and by all I could learn, the doctor told him to settle his
worldly affairs as soon as he conveniently could. "For," says he,
"although your death is not certain, still your life is very
precarious."
The first thing he did after this was to send for the son he had by me
from the university. He came the week afterwards, and the tutor with
him, to take care of his pupil. The next day after my lord came home,
and sending for six eminent men that lived at The Hague he made his
will, and signed it in the presence of them all; and they, with the
chaplain, were appointed the executors of it, and guardians of my son.
As I was in a great concern at his making his will unknown to me, and
before we were friends, I thought of it in too serious a manner not to
speak about it. I did not know where to apply first, but after mature
consideration sent for the chaplain, and he coming to me, I desired he
would give me the best intelligence he could about it. "My lady," said
he, "you cannot be so unacquainted with the duty of my function, and the
trust my lord has reposed in me, but you must know I shall go beyond my
trust in relating anything of that nature to you; all that I can say on
that head is, that I would have you make friends with my lord as soon as
you possibly can, and get him to make another will, or else take the
best care of yourself as lies in your power; for, I assure you, if his
lordship dies, you are but poorly provided for."
These last words of the chaplain's most terribly alarmed me. I knew not
what to do; and, at last, as if I was to be guided by nothing but the
furies, I went to his chamber, and after inquiring how he did, and
hearing that he was far from well, I told him I had heard he had made
his will. "Yes," said he, "I have; and what then?" "Why, my lord,"
replied I, "I thought it would not have been derogatory to both our
honours for you to have mentioned it to me before you did it, and have
let me known in what manner you intended to settle your estate. This
would have been but acting like a man to his wife, even if you had
married me without a fortune; but as you received so handsomely with me,
you ought to have considered it as my substance, as well as your own,
that you were going to dispose of."
My lord looked somewhat staggered at what I had said, and pausing a
little while, answered, that he thought, and also looked upon it as a
granted opinion, that after a man married a woman, all that she was in
possession of was his, excepting he had made a prior writing or
settlement to her of any part or all she was then possessed of.
"Besides, my lady," added he, "I have married both your children, and
given them very noble fortunes, especially your son. I have also had
great losses in trade, both by sea and land, since you delivered your
fortune to me, and even at this time, notwithstanding the appearance we
make in the world, I am not worth a third of what I was when we came to
settle in Holland; and then, here is our own son shall be provided for
in a handsome manner by me; for I am thoroughly convinced there will be
but little care taken of him if I leave anything in your power for that
purpose: witness Thomas and Susanna."
"My lord," said I, "I am not come into your chamber to know what care
you have taken of our child. I do not doubt but you have acted like a
father by it. What I would be informed in is, what I am to depend upon
in case of your decease; which I, however, hope may be a great many
years off yet." "You need not concern yourself about that," said he;
"your son will take care that you shall not want; but yet, I will tell
you, too," said he, "that it may prevent your wishing for my death. I
have, in my will, left all I am possessed of in the world to my son,
excepting £1500; out of that there is £500 for you, £500 among my
executors, and the other £500 is to bury me, pay my funeral expenses,
and what is overplus I have ordered to be equally divided among my
servants."
When I had heard him pronounce these words, I stared like one that was
frightened out of his senses. "Five hundred pounds for me!" says I;
"pray, what do you mean? What! am I, that brought you so handsome a
fortune, to be under the curb of my son, and ask him for every penny I
want? No, sir," said I, "I will not accept it. I expect to be left in
full possession of one-half of your fortune, that I may live the
remainder of my life like your wife." "Madam," replied my lord, "you may
expect what you please. If you can make it appear since I found you out
to be a jilt that I have looked upon you as my wife, everything shall be
altered and settled just as you desire, which might then be called your
will; but as the case now stands, the will is mine, and so it shall
remain."
I thought I should have sunk when I had heard him make this solemn and
premeditated declaration. I raved like a mad woman, and, at the end of
my discourse, told him that I did not value what could happen to me,
even if I was forced to beg my bread, for I would stand the test of my
own character; and as I could get nothing by being an honest woman, so
I should not scruple to declare that "the son you have left what you
have to is a bastard you had by me several years before we were
married."
"Oh," says he, "madam, do you think you can frighten me? no, not in the
least; for if you ever mention anything of it, the title, as well as all
the estate, will go to another branch of my family, and you will then be
left to starve in good earnest, without having the least glimpse of hope
to better your fortune; for," added he, "it is not very probable that
you will be courted for a wife by any man of substance at these years;
so if you have a mind to make yourself easy in your present
circumstances, you must rest contented with what I have left you, and
not prove yourself a whore to ruin your child, in whose power it will be
to provide for you in a handsome manner, provided you behave yourself
with that respect to him and me as you ought to do; for if any words
arise about what I have done, I shall make a fresh will, and, as the
laws of this nation will give me liberty, cut you off with a shilling."
My own unhappiness, and his strong and lasting resentment, had kept me
at high words, and flowing in tears, for some time; and as I was
unwilling anybody should see me in that unhappy condition, I stayed
coolly talking to him, till our son, who had been to several gentlemen's
houses about my lord's business, came home to tell his father the
success he had met with abroad. He brought in with him bank-notes to
the amount of £12,000, which he had received of some merchants he held a
correspondence with; at which my lord was well pleased, for he was
pretty near out of money at this juncture. After our son had delivered
the accounts and bills, and had withdrawn, I asked my lord, in a calm
tone, to give me the satisfaction of knowing in what manner the losses
he had complained to have suffered consisted. "You must consider, my
lord," said I, "that according to what you have been pleased to inform
me of, we are upwards of £2000 per annum, besides about £17,000 ready
money, poorer than we were when we first came to settle in Holland."
"You talk," replied my lord, "in a very odd manner. Do not you know that
I had children of my own by a former wife? and of these I have taken so
much care as to provide with very handsome fortunes, which are settled
irrevocably upon them. I have, Providence be thanked, given each of them
£5000, and that is laid in East India stock, sufficient to keep them
genteelly, above the frowns of fortune, and free from the fear of want.
This, joined to the money I mentioned to you before, as losses at sea,
deaths, and bankruptcies, your children's fortunes, which are larger
than my own children's, the buying the estate we live on, and several
other things, which my receipts and notes will account for, as you may
see after my decease. I have, to oblige you on this head, almost
descended to particulars, which I never thought to have done; but as I
have, rest yourself contented, and be well assured that I have not
wilfully thrown any of your substance away."
I could not tell what he meant by saying he had not wilfully thrown any
of my substance away. These words puzzled me, for I found by his
discourse I was to have but £500 of all I had brought him, at his
decease, which I looked upon to be near at hand. I had but one thing
that was any satisfaction to me, which was this: I was assured by him
that he had not bestowed above the £15,000 he mentioned to me, on his
children by his former wife; and, on an exact calculation, he made it
appear that he had bestowed on my son Thomas alone near £13,000 in
buying the plantation, shares in vessels, and merchandise, besides
several valuable presents sent to his wife, both by him and me; and as
for my daughter Susanna, she was very well married to a factor, with a
fortune of £2000 (which was a great sum of money for a woman to have who
was immediately to go to the East Indies), besides some handsome
presents given to her both by him and me. In fact, her fortune was, in
proportion, as large as her brother's, for there is but very few women
in England or Holland with £2000 fortune that would venture to the coast
of Malabar, even to have married an Indian king, much more to have gone
over with a person that no one could tell what reception he might meet
with, or might be recalled at the pleasure of the Company upon the least
distaste taken by the merchants against him. Neither would I, though her
own mother, hinder her voyage, for she had been the author of all the
misfortunes that happened to me; and if my speaking a word would have
saved her from the greatest torment, I believe I should have been quite
silent. And I had but one reason to allege for the girl's going so
hazardous a voyage, which is, she knew that the match was proposed by my
lord, and if he had not thought it would have been advantageous for her,
he would never have given £2000 to her husband as a fortune; and again,
as my lord was the only friend she had in our family, she was cunning
enough to know that the bare disobliging of him would have been her ruin
for ever after; to which I may add, that it is possible, as she had made
so much mischief about me, she was glad to get what she could and go out
of the way, for fear my lord and I should be friends; which, if that had
happened, she would have been told never to come to our house any more.
As my lord's death began to be daily the discourse of the family, I
thought that he might be more reconciled if I entered into the arguments
again, pro and con, which we had together before. I did so, but all I
could say was no satisfaction, till I importuned him on my knees, with a
flood of tears. "Madam," said he, "what would you have me do?" "Do, my
lord," said I, "only be so tender to my years and circumstances as to
alter your will, or, at least, add a codicil to it; I desire nothing
more, for I declare I had rather be a beggar, than live under my
child's jurisdiction." To this he agreed with some reluctance, and he
added a codicil to his will.
This pleased me greatly, and gave me comfort, for I dreaded nothing so
much, after all my high living, as being under any person, relation or
stranger, and whether they exercised any power over me or not.
I saw the lawyer come out of the chamber first, but was above asking him
any questions; the next were the executors and chaplain. I asked the
last how they came to have words. He did not answer me directly, but
begged to know whose pleasure it was to have the codicil annexed. "It
was mine, sir," replied I; "and it made me very uneasy before I could
have the favour granted." He only replied by saying, "Ah! poor lady, the
favour, as you are pleased to term it, is not calculated for any benefit
to you; think the worst you can of it."
I was terribly uneasy at what the chaplain had said, but I imagined to
myself that I could not be worse off than I thought I should be before
the codicil was annexed; and as he withdrew without saying any more, I
was fain to rest satisfied with what I had heard, and that amounted to
nothing.
The next day after this the physicians that attended my lord told him it
was time for him to settle his worldly affairs, and prepare himself for
a hereafter. I now found all was over, and I had no other hopes of his
life than the physicians' declaration of his being near his death. For
it often happens that the gentlemen of the faculty give out that a man
is near his death, to make the cure appear to be the effect of their
great skill in distempers and medicine; as others, when they cannot find
out the real disease, give out that a man's end is near, rather than
discover their want of judgment; and this I thought might be the case
with our doctors of physic.
Our son was still kept from the university, and lodged at the house of
one of his future guardians; but when he heard that his father was so
near his end, he was very little out of his presence, for he dearly
loved him. My lord sent the day before his death to lock and seal up all
the doors in his dwelling house at The Hague; and the steward had
orders, in case of my lord's decease, not to let anybody come in, not
even his lady (who had for some time lodged in the same house with her
lord), without an order from the executors.
The keys of the doors were carried to him, and as he saw his death
approach, he prepared for it, and, in fact, resigned up the keys of
everything to the executors, and having bid them all a farewell, they
were dismissed. The physicians waited; but as the verge of life
approached, and it was out of their power to do him any service, he gave
them a bill of £100 for the care they had taken of him, and dismissed
them.
I now went into the chamber, and kneeling by his bedside, kissed him
with great earnestness, and begged of him, if ever I had disobliged him
in any respect, to forgive me. He sighed, and said he most freely
forgave me everything that I had reason to think I had offended him in;
but he added, "If you had been so open in your conversation to me before
our marriage as to discover your family and way of life, I know not but
that I should have married you as I did. I might now have been in a good
state of health, and you many years have lived with all the honours due
to the Countess de Wintselsheim." These words drew tears from my eyes,
and they being the last of any consequence he said, they had the greater
impression upon me. He faintly bid me a long farewell, and said, as he
had but a few moments to live, he hoped I would retire, and leave him
with our son and chaplain. I withdrew into my own chamber, almost
drowned in tears, and my son soon followed me out, leaving the chaplain
with his father, offering up his prayers to Heaven for the receiving of
his soul into the blessed mansions of eternal bliss.
A few minutes after our son went into the chamber with me again, and
received his father's last blessing. The chaplain now saw him departing,
and was reading the prayer ordered by the Church for that occasion; and
while he was doing it, my lord laid his head gently on the pillow, and
turning on his left side, departed this life with all the calmness of a
composed mind, without so much as a groan, in the fifty-seventh year of
his age.
As soon as he was dead an undertaker was sent for, by order of the
executors, who met together immediately to open his will, and take care
of all my son's effects. I was present when it was opened and read; but
how terribly I was frightened at hearing the codicil repeated any person
may imagine by the substance of it, which was to this effect; that if I
had given me any more after his decease than the £500 he had left me,
the £500 left to his executors, and the £1000 of my son's estate (which
was now a year's interest), was to be given to such poor families at The
Hague as were judged to be in the greatest want of it; not to be divided
into equal sums, but every family to have according to their merit and
necessity. But this was not all. My son was tied down much harder; for
if it was known that he gave me any relief, let my condition be ever so
bad, either by himself, by his order, or in any manner of way, device,
or contrivance that he could think of, one-half of his estate, which was
particularly mentioned, was to devolve to the executors for ever; and if
they granted me ever so small a favour, that sum was to be equally
divided among the several parishes where they lived, for the benefit of
the poor.