months; indeed I expected a fit of absence, for such I had had several
times before, but not for above a fortnight or three weeks at most;
but after I had stayed a month, which was longer than ever he kept away
yet, I took a new method with him, for I was resolved now it should be
in my power to continue or not, as I thought fit. At the end of a month,
therefore, I removed, and took lodgings at Kensington Gravel Pits, at
that part next to the road to Acton, and left nobody in my lodgings but
Amy and a footman, with proper instructions how to behave when his
lordship, being come to himself, should think fit to come again, which I
knew he would.
About the end of two months, he came in the dusk of the evening as
usual. The footman answered him, and told him his lady was not at home,
but there was Mrs. Amy above; so he did not order her to be called down,
but went upstairs into the dining-room, and Mrs. Amy came to him. He
asked where I was. "My lord," said she, "my mistress has been removed a
good while from hence, and lives at Kensington." "Ah, Mrs. Amy! how came
you to be here, then?" "My lord," said she, "we are here till the
quarter-day, because the goods are not removed, and to give answers if
any comes to ask for my lady." "Well, and what answer are you to give to
me?" "Indeed, my lord," says Amy, "I have no particular answer to your
lordship, but to tell you and everybody else where my lady lives, that
they may not think she's run away." "No, Mrs. Amy," says he, "I don't
think she's run away; but, indeed, I can't go after her so far as
that." Amy said nothing to that, but made a courtesy, and said she
believed I would be there again for a week or two in a little time. "How
little time, Mrs Amy?" says my lord. "She comes next Tuesday," says Amy.
"Very well," says my lord; "I'll call and see her then;" and so he went
away.
Accordingly I came on the Tuesday, and stayed a fortnight, but he came
not; so I went back to Kensington, and after that I had very few of his
lordship's visits, which I was very glad of, and in a little time after
was more glad of it than I was at first, and upon a far better account
too.
For now I began not to be sick of his lordship only, but really I began
to be sick of the vice; and as I had good leisure now to divert and
enjoy myself in the world as much as it was possible for any woman to do
that ever lived in it, so I found that my judgment began to prevail upon
me to fix my delight upon nobler objects than I had formerly done, and
the very beginning of this brought some just reflections upon me
relating to things past, and to the former manner of my living; and
though there was not the least hint in all this from what may be called
religion or conscience, and far from anything of repentance, or anything
that was akin to it, especially at first, yet the sense of things, and
the knowledge I had of the world, and the vast variety of scenes that I
had acted my part in, began to work upon my senses, and it came so very
strong upon my mind one morning when I had been lying awake some time
in my bed, as if somebody had asked me the question, What was I a whore
for now? It occurred naturally upon this inquiry, that at first I
yielded to the importunity of my circumstances, the misery of which the
devil dismally aggravated, to draw me to comply; for I confess I had
strong natural aversions to the crime at first, partly owing to a
virtuous education, and partly to a sense of religion; but the devil,
and that greater devil of poverty, prevailed; and the person who laid
siege to me did it in such an obliging, and I may almost say
irresistible, manner, all still managed by the evil spirit; for I must
be allowed to believe that he has a share in all such things, if not the
whole management of them. But, I say, it was carried on by that person
in such an irresistible manner that, as I said when I related the fact,
there was no withstanding it; these circumstances, I say, the devil
managed not only to bring me to comply, but he continued them as
arguments to fortify my mind against all reflection, and to keep me in
that horrid course I had engaged in, as if it were honest and lawful.
But not to dwell upon that now; this was a pretence, and here was
something to be said, though I acknowledge it ought not to have been
sufficient to me at all; but, I say, to leave that, all this was out of
doors; the devil himself could not form one argument, or put one reason
into my head now, that could serve for an answer--no, not so much as a
pretended answer to this question, why I should be a whore now.
It had for a while been a little kind of excuse to me that I was engaged
with this wicked old lord, and that I could not in honour forsake him;
but how foolish and absurd did it look to repeat the word "honour" on so
vile an occasion! as if a woman should prostitute her honour in point of
honour--horrid inconsistency! Honour called upon me to detest the crime
and the man too, and to have resisted all the attacks which, from the
beginning, had been made upon my virtue; and honour, had it been
consulted, would have preserved me honest from the beginning:
"For 'honesty' and 'honour' are the same."
This, however, shows us with what faint excuses and with what trifles we
pretend to satisfy ourselves, and suppress the attempts of conscience,
in the pursuit of agreeable crime, and in the possessing those pleasures
which we are loth to part with.
But this objection would now serve no longer, for my lord had in some
sort broke his engagements (I won't call it honour again) with me, and
had so far slighted me as fairly to justify my entire quitting of him
now; and so, as the objection was fully answered, the question remained
still unanswered, Why am I a whore now? Nor indeed had I anything to say
for myself, even to myself; I could not without blushing, as wicked as I
was, answer that I loved it for the sake of the vice, and that I
delighted in being a whore, as such; I say, I could not say this, even
to myself, and all alone, nor indeed would it have been true. I was
never able, in justice and with truth, to say I was so wicked as that;
but as necessity first debauched me, and poverty made me a whore at the
beginning, so excess of avarice for getting money and excess of vanity
continued me in the crime, not being able to resist the flatteries of
great persons; being called the finest woman in France; being caressed
by a prince; and afterwards, I had pride enough to expect and folly
enough to believe, though indeed without ground, by a great monarch.
These were my baits, these the chains by which the devil held me bound,
and by which I was indeed too fast held for any reasoning that I was
then mistress of to deliver me from.
But this was all over now; avarice could have no pretence. I was out of
the reach of all that fate could be supposed to do to reduce me; now I
was so far from poor, or the danger of it, that I had £50,000 in my
pocket at least; nay, I had the income of £50,000, for I had £2500 a
year coming in upon very good land security, besides three or four
thousand pounds in money, which I kept by me for ordinary occasions,
and, besides, jewels, and plate, and goods which were worth near £5600
more; these put together, when I ruminated on it all in my thoughts, as
you may be sure I did often, added weight still to the question, as
above, and it sounded continually in my head, "What next? What am I a
whore for now?"
It is true this was, as I say, seldom out of my thoughts, but yet it
made no impressions upon me of that kind which might be expected from a
reflection of so important a nature, and which had so much of substance
and seriousness in it.
But, however, it was not without some little consequences, even at that
time, and which gave a little turn to my way of living at first, as you
shall hear in its place.
But one particular thing intervened besides this which gave me some
uneasiness at this time, and made way for other things that followed. I
have mentioned in several little digressions the concern I had upon me
for my children, and in what manner I had directed that affair; I must
go on a little with that part, in order to bring the subsequent parts of
my story together.
My boy, the only son I had left that I had a legal right to call "son,"
was, as I have said, rescued from the unhappy circumstances of being
apprentice to a mechanic, and was brought up upon a new foot; but though
this was infinitely to his advantage, yet it put him back near three
years in his coming into this world; for he had been near a year at the
drudgery he was first put to, and it took up two years more to form him
for what he had hopes given him he should hereafter be, so that he was
full nineteen years old, or rather twenty years, before he came to be
put out as I intended; at the end of which time I put him to a very
flourishing Italian merchant, and he again sent him to Messina, in the
island of Sicily; and a little before the juncture I am now speaking of
I had letters from him--that is to say, Mrs. Amy had letters from him,
intimating that he was out of his time, and that he had an opportunity
to be taken into an English house there, on very good terms, if his
support from hence might answer what he was bid to hope for; and so
begged that what would be done for him might be so ordered that he might
have it for his present advancement, referring for the particulars to
his master, the merchant in London, who he had been put apprentice to
here; who, to cut the story short, gave such a satisfactory account of
it, and of my young man, to my steady and faithful counsellor, Sir
Robert Clayton, that I made no scruple to pay £4000, which was £1000
more than he demanded, or rather proposed, that he might have
encouragement to enter into the world better than he expected.
His master remitted the money very faithfully to him; and finding, by
Sir Robert Clayton, that the young gentleman--for so he called him--was
well supported, wrote such letters on his account as gave him a credit
at Messina equal in value to the money itself.
I could not digest it very well that I should all this while conceal
myself thus from my own child, and make all this favour due, in his
opinion, to a stranger; and yet I could not find in my heart to let my
son know what a mother he had, and what a life she lived; when, at the
same time that he must think himself infinitely obliged to me, he must
be obliged, if he was a man of virtue, to hate his mother, and abhor the
way of living by which all the bounty he enjoyed was raised.
This is the reason of mentioning this part of my son's story, which is
otherwise no ways concerned in my history, but as it put me upon
thinking how to put an end to that wicked course I was in, that my own
child, when he should afterwards come to England in a good figure, and
with the appearance of a merchant, should not be ashamed to own me.
But there was another difficulty, which lay heavier upon me a great
deal, and that was my daughter, who, as before, I had relieved by the
hands of another instrument, which Amy had procured. The girl, as I have
mentioned, was directed to put herself into a good garb, take lodgings,
and entertain a maid to wait upon her, and to give herself some
breeding--that is to say, to learn to dance, and fit herself to appear
as a gentlewoman; being made to hope that she should, some time or
other, find that she should be put into a condition to support her
character, and to make herself amends for all her former troubles. She
was only charged not to be drawn into matrimony till she was secured of
a fortune that might assist to dispose of herself suitable not to what
she then was, but what she was to be.
The girl was too sensible of her circumstances not to give all possible
satisfaction of that kind, and indeed she was mistress of too much
understanding not to see how much she should be obliged to that part for
her own interest.
It was not long after this, but being well equipped, and in everything
well set out, as she was directed, she came, as I have related above,
and paid a visit to Mrs. Amy, and to tell her of her good fortune. Amy
pretended to be much surprised at the alteration, and overjoyed for her
sake, and began to treat her very well, entertained her handsomely, and
when she would have gone away, pretended to ask my leave, and sent my
coach home with her; and, in short, learning from her where she lodged,
which was in the city, Amy promised to return her visit, and did so;
and, in a word, Amy and Susan (for she was my own name) began an
intimate acquaintance together.
There was an inexpressible difficulty in the poor girl's way, or else I
should not have been able to have forborne discovering myself to her,
and this was, her having been a servant in my particular family; and I
could by no means think of ever letting the children know what a kind of
creature they owed their being to, or giving them an occasion to upbraid
their mother with her scandalous life, much less to justify the like
practice from my example.
Thus it was with me; and thus, no doubt, considering parents always find
it that their own children are a restraint to them in their worst
courses, when the sense of a superior power has not the same influence.
But of that hereafter.
There happened, however, one good circumstance in the case of this poor
girl, which brought about a discovery sooner than otherwise it would
have been, and it was thus. After she and Amy had been intimate for some
time, and had exchanged several visits, the girl, now grown a woman,
talking to Amy of the gay things that used to fall out when she was
servant in my family, spoke of it with a kind of concern that she could
not see (me) her lady; and at last she adds, "'Twas very strange,
madam," says she to Amy, "but though I lived near two years in the
house, I never saw my mistress in my life, except it was that public
night when she danced in the fine Turkish habit, and then she was so
disguised that I knew nothing of her afterwards."
Amy was glad to hear this, but as she was a cunning girl from the
beginning, she was not to be bit, and so she laid no stress upon that at
first, but gave me an account of it; and I must confess it gave me a
secret joy to think that I was not known to her, and that, by virtue of
that only accident, I might, when other circumstances made room for it,
discover myself to her, and let her know she had a mother in a condition
fit to be owned.
It was a dreadful restraint to me before, and this gave me some very sad
reflections, and made way for the great question I have mentioned above;
and by how much the circumstance was bitter to me, by so much the more
agreeable it was to understand that the girl had never seen me, and
consequently did not know me again if she was to be told who I was.
However, the next time she came to visit Amy, I was resolved to put it
to a trial, and to come into the room and let her see me, and to see by
that whether she knew me or not; but Amy put me by, lest indeed, as
there was reason enough to question, I should not be able to contain or
forbear discovering myself to her; so it went off for that time.
But both these circumstances, and that is the reason of mentioning them,
brought me to consider of the life I lived, and to resolve to put myself
into some figure of life in which I might not be scandalous to my own
family, and be afraid to make myself known to my own children, who were
my own flesh and blood.
There was another daughter I had, which, with all our inquiries, we
could not hear of, high nor low, for several years after the first. But
I return to my own story.
Being now in part removed from my old station, I seemed to be in a fair
way of retiring from my old acquaintances, and consequently from the
vile, abominable trade I had driven so long; so that the door seemed to
be, as it were, particularly open to my reformation, if I had any mind
to it in earnest; but, for all that, some of my old friends, as I had
used to call them, inquired me out, and came to visit me at Kensington,
and that more frequently than I wished they would do; but it being once
known where I was, there was no avoiding it, unless I would have
downright refused and affronted them; and I was not yet in earnest
enough with my resolutions to go that length.
The best of it was, my old lewd favourite, who I now heartily hated,
entirely dropped me. He came once to visit me, but I caused Amy to deny
me, and say I was gone out. She did it so oddly, too, that when his
lordship went away, he said coldly to her, "Well, well, Mrs. Amy, I find
your mistress does not desire to be seen; tell her I won't trouble her
any more," repeating the words "any more" two or three times over, just
at his going away.
I reflected a little on it at first as unkind to him, having had so many
considerable presents from him, but, as I have said, I was sick of him,
and that on some accounts which, if I could suffer myself to publish
them, would fully justify my conduct. But that part of the story will
not bear telling, so I must leave it, and proceed.
I had begun a little, as I have said above, to reflect upon my manner of
living, and to think of putting a new face upon it, and nothing moved me
to it more than the consideration of my having three children, who were
now grown up; and yet that while I was in that station of life I could
not converse with them or make myself known to them; and this gave me a
great deal of uneasiness. At last I entered into talk on this part of it
with my woman Amy.
We lived at Kensington, as I have said, and though I had done with my
old wicked l----, as above, yet I was frequently visited, as I said, by
some others; so that, in a word, I began to be known in the town, not by
name only, but by my character too, which was worse.
It was one morning when Amy was in bed with me, and I had some of my
dullest thoughts about me, that Amy, hearing me sigh pretty often, asked
me if I was not well. "Yes, Amy, I am well enough," says I, "but my mind
is oppressed with heavy thoughts, and has been so a good while;" and
then I told her how it grieved me that I could not make myself known to
my own children, or form any acquaintances in the world. "Why so?" says
Amy. "Why, prithee, Amy," says I, "what will my children say to
themselves, and to one another, when they find their mother, however
rich she may be, is at best but a whore, a common whore? And as for
acquaintance, prithee, Amy, what sober lady or what family of any
character will visit or be acquainted with a whore?"
"Why, all that's true, madam," says Amy; "but how can it be remedied
now?" "'Tis true, Amy," said I, "the thing cannot be remedied now, but
the scandal of it, I fancy, may be thrown off."
"Truly," says Amy, "I do not see how, unless you will go abroad again,
and live in some other nation where nobody has known us or seen us, so
that they cannot say they ever saw us before."
That very thought of Amy put what follows into my head, and I returned,
"Why, Amy," says I, "is it not possible for me to shift my being from
this part of the town and go and live in another part of the city, or
another part of the country, and be as entirely concealed as if I had
never been known?"
"Yes," says Amy, "I believe it might; but then you must put off all your
equipages and servants, coaches and horses, change your liveries--nay,
your own clothes, and, if it was possible, your very face."
"Well," says I, "and that's the way, Amy, and that I'll do, and that
forthwith; for I am not able to live in this manner any longer." Amy
came into this with a kind of pleasure particular to herself--that is to
say, with an eagerness not to be resisted; for Amy was apt to be
precipitant in her motions, and was for doing it immediately. "Well,"
says I, "Amy, as soon as you will; but what course must we take to do
it? We cannot put off servants, and coach and horses, and everything,
leave off housekeeping, and transform ourselves into a new shape all in
a moment; servants must have warning, and the goods must be sold off,
and a thousand things;" and this began to perplex us, and in particular
took us up two or three days' consideration.
At last Amy, who was a clever manager in such cases, came to me with a
scheme, as she called it. "I have found it out, madam," says she, "I
have found a scheme how you shall, if you have a mind to it, begin and
finish a perfect entire change of your figure and circumstances in one
day, and shall be as much unknown, madam, in twenty-four hours, as you
would be in so many years."
"Come, Amy," says I, "let us hear of it, for you please me mightily with
the thoughts of it." "Why, then," says Amy, "let me go into the city
this afternoon, and I'll inquire out some honest, plain sober family,
where I will take lodgings for you, as for a country gentlewoman that
desires to be in London for about half a year, and to board yourself and
a kinswoman--that is, half a servant, half a companion, meaning myself;
and so agree with them by the month. To this lodging (if I hit upon one
to your mind) you may go to-morrow morning in a hackney-coach, with
nobody but me, and leave such clothes and linen as you think fit, but,
to be sure, the plainest you have; and then you are removed at once; you
never need set your foot in this house again" (meaning where we then
were), "or see anybody belonging to it. In the meantime I'll let the
servants know that you are going over to Holland upon extraordinary
business, and will leave off your equipages, and so I'll give them
warning, or, if they will accept of it, give them a month's wages. Then
I'll sell off your furniture as well as I can. As to your coach, it is
but having it new painted and the lining changed, and getting new
harness and hammercloths, and you may keep it still or dispose of it as
you think fit. And only take care to let this lodging be in some remote
part of the town, and you may be as perfectly unknown as if you had
never been in England in your life."
This was Amy's scheme, and it pleased me so well that I resolved not
only to let her go, but was resolved to go with her myself; but Amy put
me off of that, because, she said, she should have occasion to hurry up
and down so long that if I was with her it would rather hinder than
further her, so I waived it.
In a word, Amy went, and was gone five long hours; but when she came
back I could see by her countenance that her success had been suitable
to her pains, for she came laughing and gaping. "O madam!" says she, "I
have pleased you to the life;" and with that she tells me how she had
fixed upon a house in a court in the Minories; that she was directed to
it merely by accident; that it was a female family, the master of the
house being gone to New England, and that the woman had four children,
kept two maids, and lived very handsomely, but wanted company to divert
her; and that on that very account she had agreed to take boarders.
Amy agreed for a good, handsome price, because she was resolved I should
be used well; so she bargained to give her £35 for the half-year, and
£50 if we took a maid, leaving that to my choice; and that we might be
satisfied we should meet with nothing very gay, the people were Quakers,
and I liked them the better.
I was so pleased that I resolved to go with Amy the next day to see the
lodgings, and to see the woman of the house, and see how I liked them;
but if I was pleased with the general, I was much more pleased with the
particulars, for the gentlewoman--I must call her so, though she was a
Quaker--was a most courteous, obliging, mannerly person, perfectly
well-bred and perfectly well-humoured, and, in short, the most agreeable
conversation that ever I met with; and, which was worth all, so grave,
and yet so pleasant and so merry, that 'tis scarcely possible for me to
express how I was pleased and delighted with her company; and
particularly, I was so pleased that I would go away no more; so I e'en
took up my lodging there the very first night.
In the meantime, though it took up Amy almost a month so entirely to put
off all the appearances of housekeeping, as above, it need take me up no
time to relate it; 'tis enough to say that Amy quitted all that part of
the world and came pack and package to me, and here we took up our
abode.
I was now in a perfect retreat indeed, remote from the eyes of all that
ever had seen me, and as much out of the way of being ever seen or heard
of by any of the gang that used to follow me as if I had been among the
mountains in Lancashire; for when did a blue garter or a coach-and-six
come into a little narrow passage in the Minories or Goodman's Fields?
And as there was no fear of them, so really I had no desire to see them,
or so much as to hear from them any more as long as I lived.
I seemed in a little hurry while Amy came and went so every day at
first, but when that was over I lived here perfectly retired, and with a
most pleasant and agreeable lady; I must call her so, for, though a
Quaker, she had a full share of good breeding, sufficient to her if she
had been a duchess; in a word, she was the most agreeable creature in
her conversation, as I said before, that ever I met with.