ALARUMS AND EXCURSIONS
Messrs. McTavish & Brown, solicitors, of Southampton Row,
London, W.C., had a large, sound and lucrative family
connection. They numbered among their clients several people of
really excellent position, persons whose names ought to have
been in the _Doomsday Book_, and were in Burke's _Landed
Gentry_, and in various other places in which one would
desire one's name to be found. Among those names was that of
Dykes--Lady Julia Dykes, relict of Sir Eastman Dykes, third
baronet of Fennington Park, Essex. Sir Eastman had himself been
one of the firm's clients, one whom they had every reason to
value highly. His testamentary dispositions had been of such a
kind that the administration of his estate had practically been
left in the hands of Messrs. McTavish & Brown until the coming
of age of his eldest son. A handsome income had been left to his
well-beloved wife, together with the nominal guardianship of
everything which once was his; actually, however, she did
nothing of the slightest importance except with the cognisance
and approval of the gentlemen in Southampton Row.
Lady Dykes was a lady of a certain age, and of almost more than
a certain presence. She was one of those persons who are
constitutionally prone to lean--metaphorically!--upon some one
or something, and she leaned upon Messrs. McTavish & Brown
rather more than they altogether cared for. She consulted them
not only every week, but sometimes on each day of the week;
often on matters which had no connection with the law, and had
nothing to do with them either.
She had been known to ask their advice on the question of the
retention or dismissal of a cook. On one memorable occasion she
had actually written to them to learn if they thought that it
would be becoming for her to attend a drawing-room in a scarlet
satin gown. To make the matter worse, that letter was addressed
to Mr. McTavish in person. As it was a standing joke with Mr.
Brown, who allowed himself an indecorous latitude in matters of
real importance, that her ladyship had matrimonial designs upon
that well-seasoned bachelor, it was a painful moment to Mr.
McTavish when he learned that she requested his advice upon
what, to his thinking, was a matter of such singular delicacy.
On the afternoon on which Mrs. Gregory Lamb set out with Mr.
Luker to visit Messrs. McTavish & Brown, Lady Dykes was paying
one of her very numerous visits to her solicitors. She was
closeted with both partners in Mr. McTavish's private room, the
senior partner having insisted on summoning the junior to take
part in the inevitable conference, he having an almost morbid
disinclination to be left alone with her. McTavish had an
uncomfortable feeling, however much he might try to hide the
fact from Brown, that her ladyship was disposed to show herself
much more friendly when he had no one to keep him in
countenance. Had they dared, both men would have made it a
general rule to put her off on to one of their managing clerks,
but they had learned from experience that though the soul of
generosity she was quick to take offence, and, therefore, if she
would talk nonsense, all they could do was to make her pay for
it--which they did.
The time had arrived for her eldest hope, Eastman, to take up
his residence at the university. On the present occasion she had
called to renew, for the fiftieth time, the interminable
discussion as to what was the exact annual amount he was to be
allowed while there, and what exactly he was to do with it.
"I am particularly anxious," she explained, as she had done over
and over and over again (some ladies think that the more they
repeat themselves the more emphatic they become--which is a
mistake), "that he should not waste his money, and worse than
waste his money, on what I cannot but consider, and every mother
would consider--every mother who cares for her child (and how
many mothers do!)--extremely undesirable connections. For
instance"--she started on a little story which her legal
advisers had heard from her lips more than a dozen times--"Mrs.
Adams was telling me only a few weeks ago that her second son,
Bernard, who is at Cambridge, at Caius College, or Trinity, or
Keble, or St. John's--it's one or the other--I'm not sure which,
though I know he's in some part of the building"--she always
spoke of a university as if it consisted of one large
building, though she must have known better--"has been
lavishing--positively lavishing!--articles of various kinds,
gifts, presents of every description, from bon-bons to gloves,
and from shoes to ribbons, and I don't know what else beside--it
seems he kept a list of them, I don't know why, and she found
it--it made me dizzy to hear her merely read it through, it was
that long!--upon, of all creatures in the world--it seems
inconceivable, for I've known the boy from a baby, and so did
Sir Eastman--but it was a young woman in a tobacconist's shop.
Picture what his mother's feelings were; picture what mine would
be if I made a similar discovery. If there is one rule to which
I have adhered through life it is to allow no one connected with
me to have anything to do with females of questionable
antecedents. And a tobacconist shop! Am I not right?"
She looked directly at Mr. McTavish, who coughed, and answered--
"Certainly, Lady Dykes; quite right".
Mr. Brown said nothing; he looked the more.
"You yourselves, although of the opposite sex, know perfectly
well how necessary it is to have such a rule. You would not have
built up this great business were it not universally known that
you invariably refuse to accept as clients persons--especially
when they are of the feminine gender--who are not of the highest
respectability. I myself should not be here at the present
moment were I not assured that was the case--of course that you
understand. You would no more allow a woman of a certain class
to enter your private office, Mr. McTavish, than I should allow
a navvy to enter my drawing-room."
It was perhaps a trifle unfortunate that Mrs. Gregory Lamb,
attended by Mr. Isaac Luker, should have chosen that particular
moment to introduce herself into the premises of Messrs.
McTavish & Brown. On the road Mr. Luker had endeavoured to
persuade the lady to leave the negotiations as much as possible
in his hands, a suggestion which she had repudiated with scorn.
"If any one can play this sort of game better than I can, I've
never met them. All you have to do is to chime in when I tell
you. If I fail to jockey some coin out of them somehow, then it
will be time for you to try your hand."
"I am not so sure of that. It occurs to me as at least possible
that if you fail it won't be worth any one's while to take a
hand."
It was not in consonance with the lady's plan of campaign to
resort, throughout the entire proceedings, to any of the minor
civilities of life. For instance she deemed it neither necessary
nor advisable to announce her presence by knocking at the outer
door. She simply swung it right back on to its hinges, and
strode straight in, not with the lightest strides. In the outer
office it was customary for visitors to mention who it was they
wished to see, possibly, also, the nature of their business, and
then wait in patience till it was intimated to them that they
were at liberty to penetrate farther. No such formula was likely
to suit Mrs. Lamb, for one reason if for no other. She was well
aware that if the heads of the firm had their way nothing would
induce them to suffer her to enter their presence. Indeed so
soon as the clerks in the outer office recognised who it was,
one of them, starting up, prepared to rush to his principals to
warn them of her coming. But the lady was too quick for him.
While he was already half-way through the farther door, the
lady, catching him by the shoulder, swung him round in a fashion
which was a sufficient testimony to the fact that her arm still
retained at least a good deal of its pristine vigour. Before he
had a chance to recover she was in the apartment which was
reserved as a sanctum for the senior clerks, her appearance
causing a sensation among those respectable elderly gentlemen,
which was both ludicrous and surprising. The senior engrossing
clerk, Mr. Riseley, was the only one among them who retained
even a fragment of presence of mind. He endeavoured to interpose
his person between the lady and the approach to Mr. McTavish's
private sitting-room.
"Mrs. Lamb, what is the meaning of this behaviour? Such conduct
is not to be endured; I must ask you to leave this room at
once!"
"Get out of the way," was the only answer which Mrs. Lamb
vouchsafed.
"I shall do nothing of the kind--certainly not; my duty to my
employers forbids it. You can see neither Mr. McTavish nor Mr.
Brown, they--they are both of them most particularly engaged."
Mrs. Lamb condescended to waste no more words on him. He was
rather larger than the other clerk, so she used both arms,
darting them out in front of her as if they were battering-rams,
dashing her half-open palms against him with such force as to
drive him against a neighbouring table, overturning both it and
its proper occupant with a clatter on to the ground. Then she
went rushing into the senior partner's holy of holies as if she
had been some mad bull, crying "Come along, Luker," as she
rushed.
Mr. Luker went along, not quite so demonstratively as she did,
still, considering his build and the difference in his methods,
he managed pretty well. Yet he did not move fast enough for his
energetic client. As he was coming through the door, seizing him
by the arm, she gave it a jerk which sent him whirling half
across the room and his hat flying into a corner. The instant
she was in she slammed the door behind her, snapped the lock,
and pocketed the key.
As Lady Dykes had just been dwelling on her consciousness of the
fact that under no consideration whatever would Messrs. McTavish
& Brown allow doubtful female persons to set foot inside their
offices, it was rather an unfortunate moment for her to make her
entry. So both the partners decidedly seemed to think. As for
Lady Dykes, she started from her chair with as much agility as
her figure would permit, and stared at the intruder open-eyed.
"Good gracious!" she exclaimed. "Who is this person? and what
does she want?"
Mr. Brown, having his wits about him, made for the second door
(most lawyers have at least two entrances to their own
particular preserves), observing as he moved--
"Lady Dykes, might I ask you to----"
He got no farther; Mrs. Lamb cut him short. Her wits were even
more on the alert than his. Perceiving, on the instant, his
objective, dashing after him, pushing him aside as if he were
some insignificant thing, she gained the second door, banged it
to, locked it, and pocketed that key also. Then, turning, she
confronted her victims with a laugh which did not by any means
ring pleasantly in their ears.
"It seems as if I had arrived in the very nick of time. I
couldn't have bagged the pair of you more neatly if I'd had an
appointment with you--could I?"
Lady Dykes, who was the most nervous of her sex, was trembling
almost as if she were a species of human jelly-fish.
"Dear! dear!" she gasped. "Who is this person? and what does she
want? Make her open the door at once, and let me out! My footman
will be wondering what has become of me."
Mrs. Lamb favoured her with an answer--of a kind.
"I'll tell you who I am. I'm one of their clients! I'm one of
the helpless, ignorant women whom they've robbed and plundered,
but before all's finished they'll find that I'm not so helpless
and ignorant as they thought. And I'll tell you what I want: I
want back some of the money they've stolen, and before anybody
leaves this room I'll have it. I've stood their shuffling long
enough, but I won't stand it any longer, as I'm here to show
them."
Mr. Brown, who still seemed to have most control over his
tongue, addressed himself to Mr. Luker.
"Mr. Luker, I believe you are a fully admitted solicitor. As
such I call on you to notice that Mrs. Lamb's words are
actionable. And I request you, unless you wish to get yourself
and her into serious trouble, to insist on her opening the two
doors which she has improperly locked, and on her leaving these
premises at once. Surely it is not necessary for me to point out
that, otherwise, the consequences to both of you will be of the
gravest possible kind."
Mrs. Lamb placed herself in front of the irate Mr. Brown.
"Don't you waste your breath talking to Mr. Luker; he's not on
in this scene--not just at present, anyhow. If you've anything
to say, you say it to me; it's me you have to deal with, not
him."
"Mrs. Lamb, I will have nothing to do with you of any sort or
kind; after the monstrous fashion in which you have behaved it
is the sheerest absurdity to suppose that we can have any
communication with you except through a properly accredited
representative."
"So I've behaved in a monstrous fashion, have I? I'll teach you
to talk to me like that."
She began the lesson then and there. Gripping him by both
shoulders she shook him as a terrier shakes a rat. He was a
slightly built man, not physically strong; had he been a rat he
could scarcely have seemed more helpless in her hands. When,
presumably, she was of opinion that the first lesson had lasted
long enough, she honoured him with a few remarks.
"You take from me everything on which you can lay your claws;
you strip me of every shilling I possess; and then, when I ask
for some of it back, you insult me. You--dirty--thief!" Here
there was another bout of shaking. "There are men doing penal
servitude who aren't half such mean, sneaking scamps as you
are--and plenty of them."
She flung him from her against the wall, leaving him to struggle
for breath as best he might. Lady Dykes, in an armchair, was
developing what promised to be a very fine attack of hysterics.
She was beginning to make as much noise as Mrs. Lamb herself.
Mr. McTavish, who, judging from his appearance, had been in
imminent peril of a stroke of apoplexy, seemed all at once to
regain his power of speech.
"Upon my word, you're--you're--you're the most dangerous woman I
ever heard of!"
"And you're the most dangerous thief! Perhaps before I've done
with you you'll find that thieving's almost as dangerous to
yourself as to those on whom you practise."
There came a smart rapping on one of the doors, and a voice from
without.
"Shall we send for a policeman, sir?"
"By all means!--at once! Let him break down the door if he can't
get in any other way! This--this woman's--positively dangerous."
"You're right there; I am--you've made me dangerous. And don't
you think that a policeman, or ten policemen, will keep me from
being even with you if I once get started; not all the policemen
in London couldn't do it!"
Mr. Luker, seemingly under the impression that his client was
going a little too far, even for her, ventured on an
interposition.
"Pardon me, Mrs. Lamb, but, if you will allow me to say so, I
think this matter can be settled on a perfectly peaceful basis.
If these gentlemen are disposed to be reasonable, and I feel
sure they are, everything can be arranged without unpleasantness
of any sort or kind. The point is----"
Mrs. Lamb took the words out of his mouth, substituting, that
is, words of her own.
"The point is, that, among other things, you've robbed me of ten
thousand Hardwood Company's shares."
"It's an infamous falsehood! We've done nothing of the kind!"
"Haven't you? I know you have, and so do you; but you're one of
those brazen-faced old sinners who would go to the gallows with
a lie on your lips. Those shares are worth fifty thousand
pounds, and more; but as you've robbed me of every penny I have
in the world, and left me with nothing but starvation staring me
in the face----"
"It's--it's incredible how any one should dare to say such
things!--incredible!"
"So there's nothing left for me but to try to come to terms with
the robbers, and that's what I have come for. If you'll give me
a cheque for forty thousand pounds--now!--this minute!--you may
keep the other ten, and much good may it do you. So just you
move yourself. Sit down at that table and write me a cheque for
forty thousand pounds."
"Forty thousand pounds! Do you suppose----"
"I suppose nothing. You do as I tell you, or you'll be sorry."
Again Mr. Luker ventured on an interposition.
"If, once more, you will excuse me, Mrs. Lamb, if you will
permit me I will point out to Mr. McTavish how much more than
moderate you are disposed to be in your demands. I have Mrs.
Lamb's permission to inform you, Mr. McTavish, that she is in
absolute want of ready cash; that she is practically in a state
of destitution; and that therefore she is willing to waive her
lawful claims to such an extent that she is prepared to accept
the sum of five-and-twenty thousand pounds; a fair proportion to
be paid at once, and the balance on a given date; and to give
you in exchange a discharge in full for all her claims against
you respecting the Hardwood Company's shares."
Mrs. Lamb's manner, as she acquiesced in her solicitor's
modification of her terms, was not precisely gracious.
"If I take twenty-five thousand pounds that will be going
halves. If I am to be robbed I suppose I may as well be properly
robbed; but I'll have at least ten thousand pounds in cash. So,
now, Mr. McTavish, without any more fuss, perhaps you'll let me
have a cheque for that ten thousand."
"Ten thousand pounds! I'll not give you a cheque for tenpence."
"You're two men, and I'm only a woman, but you'll find that I'm
much more than a match for the pair of you; and if you're not
careful I'll thrash you both till within an inch of your lives;
I'll leave marks on you which you'll carry to your graves. As
for you, you bloated old whisky barrel, I've only got to give
you one or two smart ones in the proper place, and you'll be in
your grave before you think. So if you want to keep on living,
you'll make no more bones about handing me that cheque."
"This--this is worse than highway robbery! In my own office
you--you positively threaten----"
"Threaten! I'll do more than threaten! Quick! Are you going to
fork up or am I to break every bone in your body?"
"I--I--I will not be bullied----"
"Bullied! I'll show you!" She snatched up a stout malacca cane
which stood by Mr. McTavish's table, and which was that
gentleman's property. "To start with, I'll splinter this over
your bodies, then I'll smash everything else in the place, and
you into the bargain. Now is it going to be the coin or----"
The hand holding the stick went up into the air, the gesture
rounding off the sentence with sufficient significance.
"You wicked woman! how dare you threaten me with my own stick?
Help! Where is that policeman?"
"Policeman! Do you think I care for a policeman? Not that much!"
Down came the stick with a swishing sound through the air. As it
descended Mr. Luker caught the lady by the wrist.
"Mrs. Lamb, I do implore you to pause a moment for
consideration. I reiterate my conviction that if you will only
exercise a little patience this matter can be settled amicably
and without violence."
"Luker, if you don't want to let yourself in for a little
handling on your own account you'll let go of my wrist."
"On the contrary, Mr. Luker, I beg you will keep a tight
hold--the woman must be stark mad."
"Mad!" With a sudden twist Mrs. Lamb wrenched herself loose from
Mr. Luker, and that same moment there was a smart rapping at the
door, and an authoritative voice was heard without.
"I'm a police constable. What's going on in there? Open this
door at once."
"Break it open, constable, break it open. I'm Mr. McTavish, and
I authorise you. We're--we're in actual danger of our lives."
There must have been some one on the other side who knew how to
deal with a locked door, for in a surprisingly short space of
time it was open. A constable was revealed, supported by a
considerable body of clerks, of all ages, in the background. The
representative of law and order advanced into the room.
"What's taking place in here?"
"I'm Mr. McTavish, officer, the senior partner in this firm.
This--this woman has been endeavouring to extract money by means
of threats. I must request you to eject her from these premises
at once."
"Do you charge her?"
"Not at this moment, though, no doubt, later proceedings will be
taken which will bring home to her a sense of her misconduct. At
present all I want you to do is to turn her out."
"And this woman also?"
The allusion was to Lady Dykes. Mr. McTavish was shocked.
"Dear me, no; that is Lady Dykes, of Fennington Park, one of our
most esteemed clients, who has already been subjected to the
most terrible annoyance. The man"--pointing to Mr. Luker--"you
will turn out with the woman."
The constable touched Mr. Luker on the arm.
"Now, sir, offer the lady a good example, and show her the way
out."
Mr. Luker put his hat on, and, without a word, prepared to act
on the officer's advice. Mrs. Lamb caught him by the shoulder.
"You cur! Don't be a fool, Luker, and do as he tells you."
The constable smiled, good-humouredly.
"If you're a wise man, sir, you will do as I tell you, and
you'll talk the matter over with the lady afterwards."
Mr. Luker seemed to incline to the opinion that the policeman's
was the voice of wisdom. Withdrawing himself from the lady's
detaining fingers, still without a word, he left the room. The
constable addressed himself to Mrs. Lamb.
"Now, madam, we policemen hate to have to be rude to a lady;
might I ask you to oblige me by following your friend's very
excellent example? That's the way out."
He jerked his thumb towards the open door. Mrs. Lamb looked at
him and at the others. Apparently what she saw forced her to the
conclusion that what she called "the game" was "up". She brought
Mr. McTavish's malacca cane on to a writing-table with a
resounding thwack.
"You couple of thieves! I'll wring your necks for you yet before
I've done!"
She dashed the stick upon the floor and went, the clerks
treading on each others' toes in their anxiety to give her as
much room as she required.