PASSING THE JOKE BUCK
I don't mind admittin' that this treasure-huntin' stuff does get you.
Course, while I was only an outsider, with no ticket even for a
brokerage bite at the gate receipts, I wasn't runnin' any temperature
over the prospects.
But now it was different. Vee and I had gone out and shown this poor
prune of a Captain Killam where his bloomin' island was, we'd rescued
Auntie and Old Hickory from bein' stuck in the mud, and we'd been
officially counted in as possible prize winners. More'n that, we'd
seen the treasure mound.
"Torchy," says Vee, the first chance we has for a few side remarks
after lunch that day, "what do you think? Is it full of gold and
jewels?"
"Well," says I, tryin' to look wise, "it might be, mightn't it? And
then again you can't always tell."
"But suppose it is?" insists Vee, her gray eyes bigger than ever.
"I can't," says I. "It's too much of a strain. Honest, from what I've
seen of the country down here, it would be a miracle to run across a
single loose dollar, while as for uncoverin' it in bunches-- Say, Vee,
how much of this pirate guff do you stand for, anyway?"
"Why, you silly," says she. "Of course there were pirates--Lafitte and
José Gaspar and--and a lot of others. They robbed ships right off here
and naturally they buried their treasure when they came ashore."
"What simps!" says I. "Then they went off and forgot, eh?"
"Some were caught and hanged," says she, "and I suppose some were
killed fighting. No one can tell. It was all so long ago, you see.
They're all gone. But the islands are still here, aren't they?"
"I don't miss any," says I. "There's the mound, too. It's big enough
to hold forty truckloads."
"Oh, there won't be that much," says she. "A few chests, perhaps. But
think, Torchy, of digging up gold that has been lying there for a
hundred years or more!"
"I don't care how old it is," says I, "if it's the kind you can shove
in at the receivin' teller and get credit for. What you plannin' to
blow your share against?"
"I hadn't thought much about that," says Vee. "Only that I once saw
the loveliest girdle made of old coins."
Isn't that the girl of it!
"You're a wonder, Vee," says I. "Here you stand to have a bundle of
easy money wished on you, and all you can think of is winnin' a fancy
belt."
Vee giggles good-natured.
"Well, Mister Solomon, what would you do with yours?"
"Swap it for as many blocks of Corrugated preferred as my broker could
collect," says I. "Then when we declared an extra dividend--"
"Pooh!" says Vee. "You and Auntie are just alike."
"Wouldn't it cheer Auntie up a lot to hear that?" says I. "I expect
she's busy spendin' her share, too."
"I should say," announces Vee, "that we had all better be planning how
to get that treasure on board the yacht. Captain Killam says we
mustn't go there by day, you know, because someone might follow us.
Then there's the crew. I wonder if they suspect anything?"
Come to find out, that was what we was all wonderin'. Course, Rupert
would be the first to develop a case of nerves. He reports that he's
come across groups of 'em whisperin' mysterious. Which reminds Auntie
that she'd noticed something of the kind, too. Even Mr. Ellins admits
that some of the men had acted sort of queer. And right while we're
holdin' our confab someone looks around and discovers that a sailor has
drifted up sleuthy almost within earshot.
"Hey, you!" calls out Old Hickory. "What are you doing there?"
"Just touching up the brasswork, sir," says he.
"Do your touching up some other time," orders Old Hickory. "Forward
with you!"
"Yes, sir," says the party in the white jumper, and sneaks off.
"Listening!" says Rupert. "That's what he was doing."
"Who knows what they may be plotting," says Auntie, "or what sort of
men they are? Sailors are apt to be such desperate characters. Why,
we might all be murdered in our beds!"
"As likely as not," says Rupert gloomy.
And you know how catchin' an idea like that is. Up to then we hadn't
taken much notice of the crew, no more'n you do of the help anywhere.
Oh, we'd got so we could tell the deck stewards apart. One was a
squint-eyed little Cockney that misplaced his aitches, but was always
on hand when you wanted anything. Another was a tall, lanky Swede who
was always "Yust coomin', sir." Then there was the bristly-haired
Hungarian we called Goulash. They'd all seemed harmless enough before;
but now we took to sizin' 'em up close. At dinner, when they was
servin' things, I glanced around and found all four of our
treasure-huntin' bunch followin' every move made. The usual table
chatter had stopped, too.
"Why!" says Mrs. Mumford, springin' that silly laugh of hers, "it must
be twenty minutes of."
Nobody says a word, for Ole and Goulash was servin' the fish course.
You could see they was fussed, too. It was a queer sort of
dinner-party. I could tell by the look of Old Hickory's eyes that
something was coming from him. And sure enough, after coffee had been
passed, he proceeds to tackle the situation square and solid, like he
always does. He waves off the stewards and sends for Lennon, the yacht
captain.
One of these chunky, square-jawed gents, Captain Lennon is, and about
as sociable as a traffic cop on duty. His job is runnin' the yacht,
and he sticks to it.
"Captain," says Mr. Ellins, "I want to know something about your crew.
What are they like, now?"
The Cap looks sort of puzzled.
"Why, they're all right, I guess," says he.
"Please don't guess," cuts in Auntie. "Are they all good, responsible,
steady-going trust-worthy men, on whose character you can absolutely
depend?"
"I couldn't say, madam," says he. "We don't get 'em from divinity
schools."
"Of course not," chimes in Old Hickory. "What we really want to know
is this: Do your men suspect what we are here for?"
The Captain nods.
"How much do they know--er--about the buried treasure, for instance?"
demands Old Hickory.
Captain Lennon shrugs his shoulders.
"About twice as much as is so, I suppose," says he. "They're great
gossips, sailors--worse than so many old women."
"Huh!" grunts Mr. Ellins. "And about how long have they known all
this?"
"I overheard some of them talking about it before we sailed," says the
Captain. "There were those new shovels and picks, you know; perhaps
those set them guessing. Anyway, they were passing the word from the
first."
Mr. Ellins shakes his head and glances at Killam. Auntie presses her
lips tight and stares from one to the other.
"This is serious," says Old Hickory. "Why didn't you tell us of this
before?"
"Why," says Captain Lennon, "I didn't think you'd like it, sir. And
I've warned the men."
"Warned them against what?" asks Old Hickory.
"Against showing their grins above decks," says the Captain. "Of
course, I can't stop their having their jokes in their own quarters."
"Jokes?" echoes Mr. Ellins.
"Jokes!" gasps Auntie.
Captain Lennon hunches his shoulders again.
"I thought you wouldn't like it, sir," says he; "but that's the way
they look at it. I've told them it was none of their business what you
folks did; that you could afford to hunt for buried treasure, or buried
beans, or buried anything else, if you wanted to. And if you'll report
one of them even winking disrespectful, or showing the trace of a grin,
I'll set him and his ditty bag ashore so quick--"
"Thank you, Captain," breaks in Mr. Ellins, kind of choky; "that--that
will be all."
You should have seen the different expressions around that table after
the Captain has gone. I don't know that I ever saw Old Hickory
actually look sheepish before. As for Auntie, she's almost ready to
blow a fuse.
"Well," says she explosive. "I like that! Jokes, are we?"
"So it appears," says Mr. Ellins. "At any rate, we seem to be in no
danger from a mutinous crew. Our little enterprise merely amuses them."
"Pooh!" says Auntie. "Ignorant sailors! What do they know about--"
But just then there booms in through the portholes this hearty hail
from outside:
"Ahoy the _Agnes_! Who's aboard there? Wha-a-a-at! Mr. Ellins, of
New York. Well, well! Hey, you! Fend off there. I'm coming in."
"Megrue!" says Old Hickory. "If it isn't I'll--"
It was, all right: Bernard J. Megrue, one of our biggest Western
customers, president of a couple of railroads, and director in a lot of
companies that's more or less close to the Corrugated Trust. He's a
husk, Barney Megrue is--big and breezy, with crisp iron-gray hair,
lively black eyes, and all the gentle ways of a section boss.
He's got up in a complete khaki rig, includin' shirt and hat to match,
and below the eyebrows he has a complexion like a mahogany sideboard.
It don't take him long to make himself right to home among us.
"Well, well!" says he, workin' a forced draught on one of Old Hickory's
choice cassadoras. "Who'd ever think of running across you down here?
After tarpon, eh? That's me, too. Hung up my third fish for the
season only yesterday; a beauty, too--hundred and sixty-three
pounds--and it took me just two hours and forty-five minutes to make
the kill. But say, Ellins, this is no stand for real strikes. Now,
you move up to Boca Grande to-morrow and I'll show you fishing that's
something like."
"Thanks, Barney," says Old Hickory, "but I'm no whaler. In fact, I'm
no fisherman at all."
"Oh, I see," says Megrue. "Just cruising, eh? Well, that's all right
if you like it. People come to Florida for all sorts of things. Which
reminds me of something rich. Heard it from my boatman. He tells me
there's a party of New York folks down here hunting for pirate gold.
Haw, haw! How about that, eh?"
Embarrassin' pause. Very. Nobody dared look at anybody else. At
least, I didn't. I was waverin' between a gasp and a snicker, and was
nearly chokin' over it, when Old Hickory clears his throat raspy and
menacin'.
"Well, what about it?" he asks snappy.
"Why," says Megrue, "it seems too good to be true, that's all. As I
told the boys up at the hotel, if there are any real treasure-hunting
bugs around, I want to get a good look at 'em--especially if they're
from New York. That's one on you, eh, Ellins? Proves you have a few
folks in the big town who have bats in their belfries, don't it?"
That gets an uneasy squirm out of Old Hickory, but he comes right back
at him.
"Just why?" he demands.
"Why, great Scott, Ellins," goes on Megrue enthusiastic, "don't you
know that buried treasure stuff is the stalest kind of tourist bait in
use on the whole Florida coast? The hotel people have been handing
that out for the past fifty years. Wouldn't think anyone could be
still found who'd bite at it, would you? But it seems they exist.
Every once in a while a new lot of come-ons show up, with their old
charts and their nice new shovels, and go to digging. Why, I was shown
a place just north of Little Gasparilla--Cotton River, they call
it--where the banks have been dug up for miles by these simple-minded
nuts.
"Every now and then, too, they circulate that musty tale about an old
Spaniard, in Tampa or Fort Myers or somewhere, who whispers deathbed
directions about finding a chest of gold buried at the foot of a lone
palmetto on some key or other. And say, they tell me there isn't a
lone tree on this section of the coast that hasn't been dug up by the
roots. Good old human nature can't be downed, can it? You can
suppress the green-goods and gold-brick games, but folks will still go
to shoveling sand if you mention pirates to 'em. What I want is to see
'em at it once."
The harder you jolt Old Hickory, though, the steadier he gets.
"Huh!" says he, smilin' sarcastic. "An ambition such as yours ought to
be gratified. Take a good look at us, Megrue."
"Wha-a-a-at!" gasps Barney, starin' at him. "You--you don't mean
that--that--"
"Precisely," says Old Hickory. "We are the crack-brained New Yorkers
you are so anxious to see."
Well, when he recovers his breath he does his best to square himself.
He apologizes four different ways, gettin' in deeper with every turn,
until finally he edges towards the stairs and makes his escape.
"At least," remarks Old Hickory, "I suppose it is something to provide
a source of innocent merriment. I trust we are not overlooking anyone
who might wish to be amused."
Before the evenin' was over he had his answer. About eight-thirty out
comes a fast motor-boat and ties up alongside without askin' leave.
Reporters, two of 'em. They climbs up, grinnin' and amiable, specially
the fat one in the tight-fittin' Palm Beach suit. They wanted to know
when we was goin' to start digging and if we'd mind their bringin' out
a movie machine, so one of 'em could get a few hundred feet of film for
a picture news service that he represented.
"It ought to be great stuff," says Fatty.
"Young man," says Old Hickory, breathin' hard and talkin' through his
teeth, "have you any idea what a splash you'd make if you were dropped
overboard?"
"Oh, come, guv'nor," protests Fatty; "we only want to--"
About then, though, he decides to make a scramble for his boat and the
interview was off. Old Hickory stands glarin' after the pair until
they're out of sight. Then he chuckles unpleasant.
"For a private, not to say secret, enterprise," says he, "it occurs to
me that ours is rather well advertised. What next, I wonder?"
"There's a big boat headed this way on the other side," says I. "Seems
to me I hear a band, too."
"Excursionists!" says Auntie. "Do you suppose they would have the
impudence?"
"Looks like a moonlight round trip, with the _Agnes_ as the object of
interest," says I. "Yep! They've got the searchlight on us."
"This is insufferable!" says Auntie, and beats it below, to lock
herself in her stateroom.
"Gr-r-r-r!" remarks Old Hickory, and follows suit.
We never did trace out who had done such thorough press work for us;
but I have my suspicions it was the chief steward, who went ashore
reg'lar every morning after milk and cream. But the round-trippers
surely was well posted. We could hear 'em talkin' us over, shoutin'
their comments above the rumble of the engine.
Vee and I didn't want to miss any of it, so we hikes up on the bridge
and camps behind the canvas spray shield. Captain Lennon come up, too,
sort of standin' guard. It was 'most like bein' under fire in the
trenches.
"That's her--the _Agnes_ of New York!" we heard 'em sing out. "My,
what a perfectly swell yacht, Minnie! Ain't they the boobs, though?
Hey, Sam, why dontcher ask them squirrels can they make a noise like a
nut? Huntin' pirate gold, are they? Who's been kiddin' 'em that way?"
"Little sample of Southern hospitality, I expect," says I. "All they
lack is a few ripe eggs and some garden confetti."
"I wonder if Auntie can hear?" giggles Vee. "Do you know what this
makes me feel like? As if I were a person in a cartoon."
"You've said it," says I. "What I mind most, though, is that fresh
gink with the searchlight. Say, Cap'n, why couldn't we turn ours loose
at him as a come-back?"
"Go ahead," says Captain Lennon, throwin' a switch.
Say, that was a great little thought, for the _Agnes_ has a
high-powered glim, and when I swung it onto that excursion boat it made
theirs look like a boardin'-house gas jet with the pressure low. You
could see the folks blinkin' and battin' their eyes as if they was half
blinded. Nest I picks up the pilot house and gives the man at the
wheel the full benefit.
"Hey! Take off that light," he sings out. "I can't see where I'm
runnin'. Take it off!"
"Switch off yours, then, you mutt," says I, "and run your cheap
sandwich gang back where they belong under the hominy vines."
My, don't that raise a howl, though! They wanted to mob us for keeps
then, and all sorts of junk begun to fly through the air. Then Cap'n
Lennon took a hand.
"Sheer off there!" he orders, "or I'll turn the fire hose on yon."
Well, the excursion captain stayed long enough to pass the time of day,
but when he saw the sailors unreelin' the hose he got a move on; and in
half an hour we was lyin' quiet again in the moonlight.
Must have been well on towards midnight, and I was just ready to turn
in when Mr. Ellins comes paddin' out of his stateroom, luggin' two
pairs of hip rubber boots.
"Torchy," says he, "call Killam, will you?"
By the time I'd routed out Rupert, I finds Auntie and Vee waitin' in
the main cabin, all dressed for travel.
"I may be the oldest joke on record," says Old Hickory, "but I propose
to know before morning what is in that mound. Of course, if anyone
feels foolish about going--"
"I do, for one," speaks up Auntie, "and I should think you would, too,
Matthew Ellins. We've been told how silly we are enough times
to-night, haven't we?"
"We have," says Old Hickory. "Which is just why I propose to see this
thing through."
"And I am quite as stubborn as you are," says Auntie. "That is why I
am going, too."
Vee and I didn't put up any apologies. We just trailed along silent.
As for Rupert, he'd been kicked around so much the last few days that
he hadn't a word to say. Here he was, too, right on the verge of the
big test that he'd been workin' up to so long, and he's so meek he
hardly dares open his head. When we starts pilin' into the launch he
shows up with a couple of bundles.
"What the syncopated seraphims have you there?" demands Old Hickory.
"Gas bombs," says Rupert. "To clear out the snakes."
"Careful with 'em," growls Old Hickory. "What else?"
"A few canvas bags for--for the treasure, sir," says Rupert, duckin'
his head sheepish. "Shall--shall I put them in?"
"Oh, you might as well," says Old Hickory.
And once more, with Vee at the wheel, we sneaks off in the moonlight
for Nunca Secos Key. We wasn't a chatty lot of adventurers. I expect
we all felt like we was about to open an April fool package, and wished
the others hadn't been there to watch. None of us could pass anyone
else the laugh; that was some satisfaction.
There was enough outsiders, though, to give us the titter. Megrue was
sure to spread the tale among Old Hickory's business friends. And who
knew what that pair of foiled interviewers would do to us? Some of
their stuff might get into the New York papers. Then wouldn't Mr.
Ellins be let in for a choice lot of joshin'! No wonder he sits
chewin' savage at a cold cigar.
When we gets near the little island, though, he rouses up. He pulls on
a pair of wadin' boots and, tosses another pair to me. Rupert, he's
all fixed up for rough work, and even Vee has brought some high huntin'
shoes.
So, when we lands, each takes a shiny new spade or a pick and makes
ready to explore the mound that looms mysterious through the mangrove
bushes. First off, Rupert has to toss out a couple of gas bombs, in
case there might be rattlers roamin' around. And, believe me, any
snake that could stand that smell was entitled to stay on the ground.
It's ten or fifteen minutes before we dared go near ourselves. Rupert
suggests that we start a tunnel in from the bottom, and sort of relay
each other as our wind gives out.
"Very well," says Old Hickory. "It's a good many years since I did any
excavating, but I think I can still swing a pick."
Say, he could; that is, for a five-minute stretch. And while he's
restin' up I tackles it. I didn't last so long, either. Rupert,
though, comes out strong. He makes the sand fly at a great rate. Vee
stands by, holdin' an electric torch, while Auntie watches from the
boat.
"We're makin' quite a hole in it, Mr. Ellins," says I, sort of
encouragin'.
"It is the usual thing to do, I believe," says he, "before owning up
that you've been fooled. Here, Killam, let me have another go at that."
He don't do it because he's excited about it, but just because it's his
turn. In fact, we'd all got to about that stage. We'd shoveled out a
wagon load or two of old roots and sand and rotten shells without
uncoverin' so much as a rusty nail, and it looked like we might keep on
until mornin' with the same amazin' success. Considerin' that we was
half beaten before we started, we'd done a pretty fair job. It was
just a question now of how soon somebody'd have nerve enough to make a
motion that we quit. That's when we had our first little flutter.
"Huh!" says Old Hickory, jabbin' in with his spade. "Must have struck
a log. Hand me a pick, someone."
"When he makes a swing with that, the point goes in solid and sticks.
"Right! It is a log," he announces.
Killam tests it, and he says it's a log, too.
"An old palmetto trunk," says he, proddin' at it. "Two of them, one
laid on the other. No, three. I say, that's funny. Let's clear away
all of this stuff."
So we goes at it, all three at once, and inside of fifteen minutes we
can see what looks like the side of a little log cabin.
"If this was out in Wisconsin," says Old Hickory, "I should say we'd
found somebody's root cellar. But who would build such a thing in
Florida?"
"Come on," says Killam, his voice sort of shrill and quivery. "I have
one of the logs loose. Now pry here with your picks, everybody.
Together, now! It's coming! Once more! There! Now the next one
above. Oh, put your weight on it, Mr. Ellins. Get a fresh hold. Try
her now. It's giving! Again. Harder. Look out for your toes! And
let's have that light here, Miss Verona. Flash it into this hole.
Isn't that a--a--"
"It's a barrel," says Vee.
"Water butt," says Killam. "An old ship's water butt. There are the
staves of another, fallen apart. And look! Will--you--look, all of
you!"
Would we? Say, we was crowded around that black hole in the mound as
thick as noon lunchers at a pie counter. And we was strainin' our eyes
to see what the faint light of the torch was tryin' to show up. All of
a sudden I reaches in and makes a grab at something, bringin' out a
fistful.
"Hard money," says I, "or I don't know the feel!"
"Why, it--it's gold!" says Vee, bringin' her flashlight close.
"There's more of it, a lot more!" shouts Killam, who has his head and
shoulders inside and is pawin' around excited. "Quarts and quarts of
it! And jewels, too! I say, Mr. Ellins! Jewels! Didn't I tell you
we'd find 'em? See, here they are. See those! And those! Didn't I
say so?"
"You did, Captain," admits Old Hickory. "You certainly did. And for a
time I was just ass enough to believe you, wasn't I?"
"Oh, Auntie!" calls Vee. "We've found it! Honest to goodness we have.
Come and see."
"As though I wasn't coming as fast as I could, child!" says Auntie, who
has scrambled over the bow somehow and is plowin' towards us with her
skirts gripped high on either side.
Thrillin'! Say, I don't believe any of us could tell just what we did
do for the next half hour or so. I remember once Old Hickory got
jammed into the hole and we had to pry him out. And another time, when
we was rollin' out the cask, it was Auntie who helped me pull it
through and ease it down the slope. She'd lost most of her hairpins
and her gray hair was hangin' down her back. Also, she'd stepped on
the front of her skirt and ripped off a breadth. But them trifles
didn't seem to bother her a bit.
"Ho, ho!" she warbles merry. "Gold and jewels! The jewels of old
Spain and of the days of Louis Fourteenth. Pirate gold! We've dug it!
The very thing I've always wanted to do ever since I was a little girl.
Ho, ho!"
"And I rather guess," adds Old Hickory, fishin' a broken cigar out of
his vest pocket, "that as treasure hunters we're not such thundering
jokes, after all. Eh?"
And say, when Old Hickory starts crowin' you can know he sees clear
through to daylight. I looks over my shoulder just then, and, sure
enough, it's beginnin' to pink up in the east.
"My dope is," says I, "that it's goin' to be a large, wide day.
Anyhow, it opens well."