A JOLT FROM OLD HICKORY
You know Old Hickory Ellins ain't what you might call a sunshine
distributor. His disposition would hardly remind you of a placid pool
at morn, or the end of a perfect day. Not as a rule. Sort of a cross
between a March blizzard and a July thunderstorm would hit it nearer.
Honest, sometimes when he has started on a rampage through the general
offices here, I've seen the bond-room clerks grip their desks like they
expected to be blown through the windows; and the sickly green tinge on
Piddie's face when he comes out from a hectic ten minutes with the big
boss is as good a trouble barometer as you'd want.
Even on average days, when Corrugated affairs seem to be runnin'
smooth, Mr. Ellins is apt to come down with a lumbago grouch or develop
shootin' pains in the knee, and then anybody who ducks gettin' in range
of that snappy sarcasm of his is lucky.
Not that he always means it, or that he's generally disliked. As soon
as it's safe, the bond clerks grin at each other and the lady typists
go to yankin' away on their gum placid. They know nobody's ever had
the can tied to 'em from this joint without good cause. Also, they've
come to expect about so many growls a day from Old Hickory.
But say, they don't know what to make of him this last week or so.
Twice he's been late, three days runnin' he's quit early, and in all
that time he ain't raised a blessed howl about anything. Not only
that, but the other mornin' he blew in wearin' a carnation in his
button-hole and hummin' a tune. I saw Piddie watch him with his eyes
bugged, and the battery of typists let out a sort of chorus gasp as the
door of his private office shut behind him.
Finally Mr. Robert beckons me over and remarks confidential:
"Torchy, have you--er--noticed anything peculiar about the governor
these last few days?"
"Could I help it?" says I.
"Ah!" says he. "Somewhat rare, such moods. I've been wondering. He
has hinted to me that he might start on some sort of a cruise soon."
"Has he?" says I, tryin' to look surprised.
"You don't suppose, Torchy," Mr. Robert goes on, "that the governor
really means to go after that buried treasure?"
"Mr. Robert," says I, "I ain't sayin' a word."
"By Jove!" says he. "So that's the way it stands? Well, you haven't
told me anything. And, do you know, I am beginning to think it would
be a fine thing for him to do. It would get his mind off business,
give him an outing, and--er--simplify our negotiations in that
Ishpeming deal. I think I shall encourage his going."
"If you want to make it doubtful, I would," says I.
"Eh?" says Mr. Robert. "You mean-- Well, I'm not sure but that you're
right. I'll do just the opposite, then--suggest that he'll not like
cruising, and remind him that the Corrugated has a critical season
ahead of it. By the way, what sort of a boat has he chartered?"
"At last accounts," says I, "they hadn't found one that suited. You
see, Auntie won't stand for a gasoline engine, and--"
"Do I understand that Mrs. Hemmingway is going, too?" gasps Mr. Robert.
I nods.
"She's one of the partners," says I. "Kind of a particular old girl,
too, when it comes to yachts. I judge she wants something about half
way between a Cunarder and a ten-room flat; something wide and
substantial."
Mr. Robert grins. "They ought to be told about the _Agnes_," says he.
"What about her?" says I.
"Why," says he, "she's the marine antique that Ollie Wade inherited
from his uncle, the old Commodore. A fine boat in her day, too, but a
trifle obsolete now: steam, of course, and a scandalous coal eater.
Slow, too; ten knots is her top speed. But she's a roomy, comfortable
old tub, and Ollie would be glad to get her off his hands for a month
or two. Suppose I--"
"Would you mind, Mr. Robert," I breaks in, "if I discovered the _Agnes_
for 'em? I might boost my battin' average with Auntie; and maybe I
could work Ollie for a commission."
"Here!" says Mr. Robert, shovin' over the desk 'phone. "Make him give
you five per cent. at least. Here's his number."
So that's how it happens I come to be pilotin' this trio of treasure
hunters--Auntie, Old Hickory, and Captain Rupert Killam--over to a
South Brooklyn yacht basin and exhibitin' the _Agnes_. You'd never
guess, either, from the way she's all painted up fresh, that she was
the A. Y. C. flagship as far back as the early nineties.
"What a nice, wide boat!" says Auntie.
"Beam enough for a battleship," grumbles Rupert.
"I do hope," goes on Auntie, "that the staterooms are something more
than cubbyholes."
"Let's take a look," says I, producin' the keys.
Ollie had mentioned specially the main saloon, but I wasn't lookin' for
anything half so grand. Why, you could almost give a ball in it. Had
a square piano and a fireplace, too.
"Huh!" says Old Hickory. "Quite a craft."
It was when we got to the two suites, one on each side of the
companionway 'midships, that Auntie got real enthusiastic; for, besides
the brass beds and full-sized bathtubs, they had clothes closets, easy
chairs, and writin' desks.
"Excellent!" says she. "But what are those queer overhead pipes for, I
wonder?"
"Must be for the cold-air system Mr. Wade was tellin' me about," says I.
"Oh, yes," adds Old Hickory. "I remember now. This is the boat
Commodore Wade went up the Orinoco in, and he had her fitted for
tropical cruising. How many staterooms in all, did you say, son?"
"Twelve, outside of the crew's quarters," says I.
"Regular floating hotel," says Old Hickory. "We shall not be crowded
for room, Mrs. Hemmingway."
"Then why not ask some of our friends to go with us?" suggests Auntie.
"There are one or two I should like to take along for companionship.
And it will not look so much like an expedition if we make up a
cruising party."
"Very well," says Old Hickory; "that's not a bad idea. We'll decide on
this boat, then?"
Captain Killam tried to point out that the _Agnes_ was a bigger craft
than they needed, and that she didn't look as if she had much speed.
But Auntie had already planned how she could camp comfortable in one of
them suites, and Old Hickory had discovered that the yacht sported a
wireless outfit. Hanged if each one of 'em didn't talk like they'd
found the _Agnes_ all by themselves, or had her built to order! I got
about as much credit as if I hadn't been along at all.
I felt a little better about that two hours later, when I'd hunted up
Ollie at his club, shoved a thousand dollar check at him, and got his
name on a charter agreement.
"I say, you know," says Ollie, "awfully good of you to do this."
"I'm like that all the time," says I, pocketin' my fifty commission.
"I'll rent the _Agnes_ out for you any old day, so long as I don't have
to go battin' around on her myself."
Course, if it was just a case of sailin' down to Coney and back, or
maybe runnin' up the Hudson as far as Yonkers, I'd take a chance. But
this pikin' right out past Sandy Hook, and then goin' on for days and
days, leavin' Broadway further behind every turn of the shaft--that's
different. You're liable to get so far away.
Then, there's that wabbly feeling that comes over you. Say, I had it
once, when I was out in an old lobster boat off the coast of Maine, the
time I used my summer vacation chasin' up where Vee was visitin'. I
had it good and plenty, too, and didn't have to go more'n a couple of
miles to get it, either. But think of bein' that way for a couple of
weeks, and out where you couldn't get ashore if you wanted to. Excuse
me!
Besides, I never did have the travel bug very hard. I'll admit I ain't
seen much of the country outside of New York; but say, what I have
looked over struck me as bein' kind of crude. I expect fields and
woods and the seaside stuff is all right for them that likes 'em. Make
good pictures, and all that. But them places always seem to me such
lonesome spots. Fine and dandy, so far as the view goes, but nobody to
it. I like my scenery sort of inhabited, and fixed so it can be lit up
at night. So I do most of my travelin' between the Bronx and the
Battery, and let it go at that.
Now Vee has been brought up different. She's chased round with Auntie
all over the map, ever since she can remember. They don't mind
startin' off with a maid and seven trunks and not seein' Fifth Avenue
for months at a time. She and Auntie think nothing at all of driftin'
into places like Nagasaki or Honolulu or Algiers, hirin' a furnished
flat or a house, and campin' down just as if they belonged there;
places where they speak all kinds of crazy languages, where ice-cream
sodas don't grow at all, and where you don't even know what you're
eatin' half the time. Think of that! But Auntie's an original old
girl, take it from me.
"She ain't countin' on draggin' you off on this batty gold-diggin'
excursion, is she?" I asks the other evenin', as I was up makin' my
reg'lar Wednesday night call.
Vee shrugs her shoulders.
"I'm sure I don't know," says she. "You see, although she knows
perfectly well I've heard all about it, Auntie makes a deep mystery of
everything connected with this cruise. It's that absurd Captain Killam
who puts her up to it, I believe."
"Romantic Rupert?" says I. "Oh, he's a soft-shell on that subject.
Accordin' to his idea, anybody who overhears any details of this pirate
treasure tale of his is liable to grab a dirt shovel and rush right off
down there to begin diggin' Florida up by the roots. He loses sleep
worryin' as to whether someone else won't get there first. It would be
tough if Auntie should take you along, though. I'd hate that."
"Would you?" says Vee. "Really? Well, I've been asked to visit at
three places--Greenwich, Piping Rock, and here in town. How would that
be?"
"Not so bad," says I, "specially that last proposition. I'm strong for
your visitin' here in town."
"Perhaps we shall hear to-night whether I'm to go or not," says Vee.
"They are to hold some sort of meeting here--everyone who has been
asked on the cruise. There's someone now."
"It's Mr. Ellins," says I, "and-- Oh, look who he's towin' along--J.
Dudley Simms. He must be for comic relief."
Just why him and Old Hickory should be such great friends I never could
make out, for they're about as much alike as T and S. Dudley's as thin
as Mr. Ellins is thick; he always wears that batty twisted smile, while
Old Hickory's mouth corners are generally straight, and he knows no
more about finance than an ostrich does about playin' first base. Mr.
Simms owns a big block of Corrugated preferred, and he's supposed to be
on the Board; but all he ever does is to sign over proxy slips and duck
directors' meetings.
"I'm an orphan, you know," is his stock remark when anyone tries to
talk business to him.
Even if he didn't wear gray spats and a wide ribbon on his eyeglasses,
you'd spot him for a funny gink by the offset ears and the odd way he
has of carryin' his head a little to one side.
"What a queer-looking person!" whispers Vee.
"Wait until you hear him spring some of his nutty conversation," says I.
By this time the bell buzzes again, and Helma shows in a dumpy little
woman with partly gray hair and Baldwin apple cheeks--evidently a
friend of Auntie's by the way they go to a clinch.
"Mrs. Mumford," says Vee.
"Auntie's donation to the party, eh?" says I. "Just listen to her coo!"
"S-s-sh!" says Vee, snickerin'.
That's what it was, though--cooin'. Seems to be her specialty, too,
for she goes bobbin' and bowin' around the room, makin' noises like a
turtle-dove on a top branch.
"O-o-o-oh, Mr. Ellins!" says she. "So glad to know you. O-o-o-oh!"
And she smiles and ducks her head and beams gushy on everyone in sight.
"How long can she keep that up on a stretch?" I asks Vee.
"Indefinitely," says Vee. "It's quite natural, you know. For, really,
she's an old dear, but a bit tiresome. If she goes she will knit or
crochet the whole blessed time, no matter what happens. She crocheted
all over Europe with us one summer. Fancy facing the Matterhorn and
counting stitches! But Mrs. Mumford did it."
"Then she'll be a great help on their cruise, I don't think," says I.
"Oh, but she will," says Vee. "You see, she always agrees with
everything Auntie says, and very few can do that. Well, here comes
Professor Leonidas Barr, too. You might know Auntie would want him
along."
"What's he luggin' his hat in for?" says I. "Don't he trust Helma?"
"It's because he's afraid he'll walk out without it," says Vee. "But
he'll do that, anyway. And he leaves it in the weirdest places--under
the piano, in a vase, or back of the fire screen. We always have a
grand hunt for the Professor's hat when he starts to go. But it's no
wonder he forgets such trifles, when he knows so much about fishes. He
writes books about 'em."
"He looks it," says I. "And, last but not least, we have arriving
Captain Rupert Killam, who started all this trouble. My, but he takes
life serious, don't he?"
From where we sat in the library window alcove, we could get a fair
view of the bunch up front, and I must say that the last thing in the
world you'd ever expect this collection to do would be to go cruisin'
off after pirate gold. Here they were, though, gathered in Auntie's
drawin'-room, and if the idea of the meetin' wasn't to hear details
about the trip, what was it?
I was expectin' Auntie to have the foldin' doors shut and an executive
session called; but she either forgot we was there, or else she was too
excited to notice it, for the next thing we knew she was callin' on Mr.
Ellins to state the proposition. Which he does in his usual crisp way.
"You have been asked," says he, "to go with us on a cruise to the west
coast of Florida. That is all you are supposed to know about it,
according to Captain Killam's notion. But that's nonsense. I, for
one, don't intend to keep up an air of mysterious secrecy for the next
three or four weeks. As a matter of fact, we are going after hidden
treasure--pirate gold, buried jewels, all that sort of thing."
"O-o-o-oh!" coos Mrs. Mumford. "Doesn't that sound deliciously
romantic?"
"Quixotic if you will," says Mr. Ellins. "But Mrs. Hemmingway and
myself, although we may not look it, are just that kind. We are
desperate characters, if the truth must be told. The only reason we
haven't hunted for buried treasure before is that we have lacked the
opportunity. We think we have it now. Captain Killam, here, has told
us of an island on which is a buried pirate hoard--millions in gold,
priceless jewels by the peck. And that's what we're going after."
"Most interesting, I'm sure," says Professor Barr, wipin' his glasses
absent-minded with a corner of Mrs. Mumford's shoulder scarf.
"But, I say," puts in J. Dudley Simms, "I'll not be any help at
digging, you know."
"Has anyone ever suspected you of being useful in any capacity?"
demands Old Hickory.
"Oh, come!" protests Dudley. "I play a fair game of bridge, don't I?"
"Exception allowed," says Mr. Ellins. "And I may say, to quiet any
similar fears, that the entire burden of the treasure hunt will be
undertaken by Mrs. Hemmingway, the Captain, and myself. Incidentally,
we expect to divide the spoils among ourselves. Aside from that, we
ask you to share with us the pleasure and perhaps the perils of the
trip."
"O-o-o-oh!" coos Mrs. Mumford, meanin' nothing at all.
"We have secured a good-sized, comfortable yacht," goes on Old Hickory.
"You will each have a stateroom, assigned by lot. Meal hours and the
menu will be left to the discretion of a competent steward.
"We sail on Wednesday, promptly at 11 A.M. Just when we shall return I
can't say. It may be in a month, possibly two. You will need to dress
for the tropics--thin clothing, sun helmets, colored glasses, all that
sort of thing.
"And you need not be surprised to learn that the yacht is somewhat
heavily armed. On the forward deck you will see something wrapped in
canvas. To anticipate your curiosity I will state now that this is a
machine for making and distributing poisonous gas, as our treasure
island is infested with rattlesnakes and mosquitos. It may also be
useful in discouraging anyone who tries to interfere with our
enterprise. Am I correct, Captain Killam?"
"Quite," says Rupert, noddin' his head solemn.
"And now," says Old Hickory, "having been thoroughly frank with you, I
ask that this information be treated as confidential. Also, will any
of you who wish to reconsider your acceptances kindly say so at once?
How about you, Simms?"
"As you know, Ellins," says J. Dudley, "I am a timid, fearsome person.
Do I understand that you three assume all responsibility, all risks?"
"Absolutely," says Mr. Ellins.
"Then here is an opportunity to indulge in vicarious adventure," says
Dudley, "which I can't afford to miss. I'll go; but I shall expect
when the time comes, Ellins, that you will conduct yourself in an
utterly reckless manner, while I watch you through a porthole."
"And you, Professor?" goes on Mr. Ellins.
"If I can secure a specimen of the _rivoluta splendens_," says
Leonidas, "I shall gladly take any chances."
"Isn't the dear Professor just too heroic?" coos Mrs. Mumford. "It
will be worth while going merely to see what a _rivoluta splendens_
really is."
"We seem to be agreed," says Old Hickory, "and our company is made up.
That is, with two exceptions."
"Great Scott!" I whispers to Vee. "Two more freaks to come!"
"Listen," says Vee. "Auntie is saying something."
So she is, a whole mouthful.
"My niece, Verona, will accompany me, of course," she announces.
"Well, ain't that rough!" says I. "Now what's the sense in draggin'
you off down--"
"And I am obliged," breaks in Mr. Ellins, "to take with me, for purely
business reasons, my private secretary. Mrs. Hemmingway, isn't the
young man somewhere about the place?"
"Good night!" I gasps. "Me!"
"Well, I like that!" says Vee, givin' me a pinch.
"Take it back," says I. "If it's a case of us goin', that's different.
But what a bunch to go cruisin' with!"
And say, when I'm led out and introduced, I must have acted like I was
in a trance. I got it so sudden, you see, and so unexpected. Here I'd
been sittin' back all the while and knockin' this whole thing as a
squirrel-house expedition, besides passin' comments on the crowd; and
the next thing I know I'm counted in, with my name on the passenger
list.
That was two days ago; and while I've been movin' around lively enough
ever since, windin' things up at the office, hirin' a wireless operator
for Mr. Ellins, and layin' in a stock of Palm Beach suits and white
deck shoes, I ain't got over the jolt yet.
"Say, Mr. Robert," says I, when no one else is around, "how long can
anybody be seasick and live through it?"
"Oh, it is seldom fatal," says he. "The victims linger on and on."
"Hal-lup!" says I. "And I'll bet that roly-poly Mrs. Mumford comes
twice a day to coo to me. What did I ever get let in on this private
seccing for, anyway?"